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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

422 replies

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:01

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

OP posts:
MorningOclock · 28/08/2023 21:04

I actually don’t think you’re crazy at all but in all honestly I would just put off visitors for a while apart from those who you really don’t mind holding your baby. It’ll be easier and less stressful! No harm in waiting for people to say ‘let us know when you’re up for visitors’ and then getting in touch a month later or so to pencil something, life will be busy and you want to settle in to new family life.

BustyDin · 28/08/2023 21:04

JudgeJ · 28/08/2023 20:45

Will the older child be allowed any contact with the new sibling? That's probably the biggest source of germs etc..

Show quote history

OP clearly had no hilarious comment to make about DaC1.

So we will never know how she thinks said DC1 is going to be less of a germfest than Aunt Ethelreda.

Ennyyy · 28/08/2023 21:04

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 20:57

I'm back. Thanks for the replies.
To the couple of posters who were very annoyed by my reference to "baby" as opposed to "our baby" or "the baby", for the purpose of this thread, baby shall henceforth be referred to as "DBaby". No. I prefer "DaBaby". I hope this is less annoying for you.

I wasn't asking if I should allow everyone to hold DaBaby. I just wanted some advice on how to approach/word it. We're not going to change our minds on lots of people holding and passing around DaBaby.

Fortunately husband, sorry, DaHusband and midwife are OK with it. My GP and PHN have no concerns about my mental health. I feel OK. Pretty good, really. If I'm struggling after the arrival of DaBaby I'll seek help.

I might not bother with the text and try and deal with it on a case by case basis with the help of a sling. And of course, by putting DaBaby in a hazmat suit. That way all of the heartbroken relatives who have just spent a fortune in M&S won't have to wear them, and we won't need to install a glass screen. Or put my other child in a care home as per previous suggestion.

Finally, to the posters who get it, said they would understand and not disown DaBaby and I, and those who have had the unfortunate experience of having an very unwell tiny baby, thank you for the kind words.

Now, I must go and bleach the fence, I'm sure I heard DaPostman sneezing as he passed by earlier.

For goodness sake don't put the baby in a hazmat suit - have separate suits for each visitor! 😁

But remember they'll be #heartbroken if they can't cuddle the baby within 24 hours of the birth, and that M&S sleeps sleepsuit will be launched at the bin in a fit of indignant rage!

itwasntmetho · 28/08/2023 21:05

Commecicommeca26 · 28/08/2023 21:02

Never understand the people who think a cuddle with a baby which has no personality or interest in your existence is more important than your friend/family member that just birthed it 🤯

People can be very shallow.

canonlydoblue · 28/08/2023 21:07

OP, how old is first child? You understand that they will in fact touch their new sibling and spread germs also? My youngest had a half-eaten lollipop shoved in their mouth by their three year old sister at a couple of days old. Can't say the germs or the sugar affected him too much!

BubziOwl · 28/08/2023 21:08

Commecicommeca26 · 28/08/2023 21:02

Never understand the people who think a cuddle with a baby which has no personality or interest in your existence is more important than your friend/family member that just birthed it 🤯

Yes! And I cannot fathom why anyone would decide they don't care about children they didn't get to hold as newborns. Bloody weird. It's a human being, not a doll.

FWIW OP, if I had received a message like yours I'd think it was OTT but fine, and it wouldn't change how I felt about you or your baby because I'm not a total weirdo

MavisMcMinty · 28/08/2023 21:08

I first heard of the “nobody can cuddle/kiss/hold my baby until s/he’s at school” thing here on MN, so asked my sister if she had secretly hated me/family/friends all queueing up to hold her gorgeous newborns and she was completely baffled. “God no, it was great to get the limpets off me for a few minutes”.

MorningOclock · 28/08/2023 21:10

Ennyyy · 28/08/2023 21:01

Can posters stop suggesting OP has anxiety and that it equates to acting "batshit". No matter how "gently" you word it, it's a condescending, insulting armchair diagnosis. Give it a rest.

Well said!

TallerThanAverage · 28/08/2023 21:10

I grew up with cold sores caught from my grandmother who was unaware that she had one at the time, I was over two months old and had a beauty of a cold sore for my christening. You can take all the precautions in the world but if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. I think you need to lighten up a bit, let people hold your child but no kisses.

GymBergerac · 28/08/2023 21:11

In the kindest way, I wouldn't push this, unless there are serious health issues you haven't told us about. When you're exhausted and trying to wrangle your other child/ren you'll welcome someone giving the new baby a cuddle. Don't push them away unless there are other bigger issues.

YellowHatt · 28/08/2023 21:15

Moveoverdarlin · 28/08/2023 19:03

I’d think how very odd, I was looking forward to going to Marks and Spencer and choosing a nice outfit for the new baby. I might not bother now and just send a card if we’re just going round there to ‘look’ at the baby.

So your gift isn’t in celebration and support; it’s only in exchange for a cuddle? You’re essentially buying a cuddle.

Shinytaps · 28/08/2023 21:17

Some of the people on this thread need to remember that there is a real person asking this question. I personally don't think a baby should be passed around like a parcel and if you don't want other people to hold them that is your choice.

I don't think I'd message in advance, I would just take it as it comes. And is people push it say baby is tired, needs some time in their Moses basket, whatever. Mine all BF'ed round the clock so that was an easy excuse!

NotMadeOfStone · 28/08/2023 21:17

The hilarious DaBaby/DaPostman shtick is certainly a strong way to put visitors off.

For a loooooot longer than a few months.

Original poster
Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 21:19

@Ennyyy 😂 hazmats are not cheap, just trying to be frugal!

@canonlydoblue 15

@BubziOwl yes, I didn't hold my niece as a small baby as I lived abroad, we have a fantastic bond.

OP posts:
Senteacherni · 28/08/2023 21:19

OP, is your older child a covid baby? I have a 2 year old and a 14 week old and I honestly didn't even think to hand my newborn over to people for cuddles as I hadn't been able to with the older one. When people started asking I found myself extremely anxious and so my biggest piece of advice is to invest in a baby wrap. Nobody is going to ask for baby to come out of a wrap! I also sometimes held baby while sleeping and said I didn't want them disturbed

BorryMum · 28/08/2023 21:19

My DS was sneezed on at a couple of days old. He had RSV at 8 days old. I'm not going to post full details that would add to anyone's anxiety but suffice to say it was very serious. Don't call people batshit because they are trying to avoid this

Viviennemary · 28/08/2023 21:20

You are being ridiculous. If I got such a text I wouldn't bother with you again and you can enjoy your child in isolated friendless splendour.

Joeylove88 · 28/08/2023 21:22

When my little one was born last autumn I had close friends and family over to visit on her first week and simply asked anyone who was visiting not to if they were ill or had any cold sores. When my partner wanted to take her into his work to show his colleagues who I knew would be desperate for a cuddle I made it clear to him that I didn't want anyone holding her whilst she was still so tiny (3 weeks). I even checked this with the midwife who told me that because they aren't close family/friends it wouldn't be wise to pass her round like a parcel with people we aren't close to. So obviously there are different levels for different people in terms of who you are closest too but I think it's a shame if noone except the grandparents can hold your baby. We actually never got to hold either of my partners sisters babies and it led to us having no relationship with them really and they still look at us like we are strangers nearly 4 years on. I just think being too over protective can potentially mean that your baby doesn't bond with people you are close too but also can create a social anxiety in later years. Just take necessary precautions and enjoy people loving your baby!

Original poster
Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 21:24

@BorryMum sorry to hear this. My friends DC was a little older and that was terrifying, I can't imagine how hard it was at 8 days. Hope your DS made a full recovery x

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 28/08/2023 21:27

The perinatal mental health team are fantastic with helping anxiety during and post pregnancy, it might be worth getting in touch with them OP. There is no kind way to say you don’t want your babies family near them.

Isthatarealname · 28/08/2023 21:29

I had a 5 week old in PICU after picking up RSV. I'd probably be the same now tbh. Although he did catch it from DD so I'd be more on making sure sibling washes hands when coming home from park etc

YellowHatt · 28/08/2023 21:30

Some of these attitudes are so extreme.

I visited my sister and her newborn after they’d had a few days of first visits from other family (coming for a cuddle). I casually said “How are you” and she burst into tears saying I was the first person to ask after her and everyone else had come basically wanting to hold the baby.

If your attitude is ‘the whole point is having a cuddle’, you’re selfish.

Isitautumnyet23 · 28/08/2023 21:31

I think you are being a little ridiculous.

Have you discussed this with a medical professional? At no point (with my two kids) was it ever suggested by a midwife/health vistor/GP that they shouldn’t be held by family and friends from day one. Why would your baby be any different to any other child? (Unless there are specific health concerns?).

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2023 21:32

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 20:57

I'm back. Thanks for the replies.
To the couple of posters who were very annoyed by my reference to "baby" as opposed to "our baby" or "the baby", for the purpose of this thread, baby shall henceforth be referred to as "DBaby". No. I prefer "DaBaby". I hope this is less annoying for you.

I wasn't asking if I should allow everyone to hold DaBaby. I just wanted some advice on how to approach/word it. We're not going to change our minds on lots of people holding and passing around DaBaby.

Fortunately husband, sorry, DaHusband and midwife are OK with it. My GP and PHN have no concerns about my mental health. I feel OK. Pretty good, really. If I'm struggling after the arrival of DaBaby I'll seek help.

I might not bother with the text and try and deal with it on a case by case basis with the help of a sling. And of course, by putting DaBaby in a hazmat suit. That way all of the heartbroken relatives who have just spent a fortune in M&S won't have to wear them, and we won't need to install a glass screen. Or put my other child in a care home as per previous suggestion.

Finally, to the posters who get it, said they would understand and not disown DaBaby and I, and those who have had the unfortunate experience of having an very unwell tiny baby, thank you for the kind words.

Now, I must go and bleach the fence, I'm sure I heard DaPostman sneezing as he passed by earlier.

You can be as sarky as you like.

I'm still glad no-one I know has behaved like that.

Anyone in my family prone to coldsores knew not to kiss babies and I really wanted my friends and family to meet my children

I don't know what you wanted - you want to push people away then word your own message.
Most people on here would not behave like this

MrsFiddle · 28/08/2023 21:32

I've just seen a video flash across the top of the DM and some Love Island person is giving her new baby a bath with blue plastic gloves on - what is that all about? Where does all this crap come from?