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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut contact with DS and DIL

196 replies

LaurentheLemur · 28/08/2023 11:28

Today is the first birthday I have had since my husband of 40 years died. My birthday is flagged up on FB. Today my DIL has sent me a link to click on a website to help her get a referral bonus. She has not wished me a happy birthday.

Apart from a brief message of condolence via FB at the time, and both of them missing the funeral because they "couldn't afford time off work", I have had no real contact with her or DS for years.

Background - DS was brought up by his father, my ExH, and his darling stepmother told him I was dead. ExH moved abroad for a while and we lost contact (deliberately on his part). I managed to track down DS just before his 40th birthday, but of course he hardly remembered me. Initially I tried to rebuild a relationship but it fizzled out after a while. I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship. DS never contacts me and I don't even have his phone number since he changed it a couple of years ago. I know it takes 2 to have a relationship but honestly I am wondering why I should even try when they have made it clear they aren't interested.

I'm hurt and upset that they don't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting them off completely an overreaction at a time when I'm still grieving for my DH?

OP posts:
Merseymum992 · 28/08/2023 11:30

Have you thought about how upset and hurt he was when he found out that you weren't dead and hadn't bothered with him until he was 40? He will probably be pleased that you cut him off.

EggOverEasy · 28/08/2023 11:32

If you want to have a relationship with your son you need to meet him where he is. He's an adult, you can't just make him do what you want him to do.

ImABox · 28/08/2023 11:33

I was thinking they were being unreasonable, but reading on you had no contact with your son for 40 years?? Of course they are low contact with you now. How do you think repairing your relationship I’ll work if you cut them off?

You didn’t try and see or contact your son for 40years? It sounds like a kindness for his step mom to say you were dead rather than “mum doesn’t want to see you”. Your husband was nothing to your son, he didn’t know him.

clownschoolclown · 28/08/2023 11:33

There must be a huge back story here.

Why was he raised by DH and not you? How old was he when his dad took him?

Alwaysdecorating · 28/08/2023 11:33

So you have a had bad relationship but it's everyone else's fault?

tooanxious · 28/08/2023 11:33

@Merseymum992

I'm not sure that was warranted, OP says her Ex told her son she was dead. Have some compassion

OP, I do imagine finding out at 40 you are alive was devastating for him, and maybe he just feels he doesn't want a relationship. I would let him try and work through it

ManchesterGirl2 · 28/08/2023 11:36

How come you weren't in his life while exh was raising him? I'd imagine he's furious that you abandoned him.

WandaWonder · 28/08/2023 11:37

So this is probably 1% of what we need to be able to answer effectively

WhateverMate · 28/08/2023 11:37

We're going to need the backstory I guess.

Why did his dad and stepmother bring him up and how did they manage to get him abroad without (I assume) your permission.

Also, can you say what you mean by I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship.

How does that affect the situation?

Dery · 28/08/2023 11:38

@LaurentheLemur - sorry for your loss but you’re showing an extraordinary lack of imagination about how your son must feel that his own mother was apparently able to live without having any involvement in raising him. You managed to build a loving, 40-year marriage, so you know how to do family life, but you were absent from your son’s life until he was 40? His father and step-mother were wrong to tell him you were dead but they were able to do so because you just weren’t there. Yet you expect huge sensitivity from your son and his wife? How does that work, OP? Can you see how that looks?

Merseymum992 · 28/08/2023 11:39

tooanxious · 28/08/2023 11:33

@Merseymum992

I'm not sure that was warranted, OP says her Ex told her son she was dead. Have some compassion

OP, I do imagine finding out at 40 you are alive was devastating for him, and maybe he just feels he doesn't want a relationship. I would let him try and work through it

Isn't that kinder than "your mum hasn't bothered to get in touch"?

SomeCatFromJapan · 28/08/2023 11:39

I think unfortunately given the nature of the relationship with your son, you probably can't expect the normal level of care and interest that you would get from a child you raised. If there is a sad reason as to why you were unable to be in his life as a child then I'm sorry.

Feverly · 28/08/2023 11:40

Why’d you give him away?

TakeMe2Insanity · 28/08/2023 11:41

If ever there was a reminder to read the thread and not just title!

Your son has had no contact with your for years and the new contact must have been a shock. I don’t think this is about him empathising with your loss, this for him is about the fact his dead mother was alive and not in his life. That’s traumatic. If you want to be in his life you need to go at his pace.

Jadegreenjade · 28/08/2023 11:41

Attachments need to form in early childhood for them to be secure and reciprocal.

Dery · 28/08/2023 11:42

And, yes, as PP say - there’s no doubt a back story here but your go-to move with your son appears to be to cut him out of your life. Here you are, thinking of doing it again.

Feverly · 28/08/2023 11:44

What did you do for all his birthdays? Did you give him the gifts you’d presumably bought and kept aside for him in the few years he was abroad? Letters and gifts a from all the decades you weren’t there for him?

I await the drip feed, but it comes across that you are absolutely not the victim here.

Ilikewinter · 28/08/2023 11:44

Presume this is another fake thread. However if its genuine then I dont really blame your DS for not having anything to do with you.

CapEBarra · 28/08/2023 11:46

Sounds like you already are no contact.

GorillaInBikini · 28/08/2023 11:47

If you didn't bring him up he possibly doesn't feel the same feelings most people do towards their mothers. In this set of circumstances I think the onus to build a relationship is with you.

rwalker · 28/08/2023 11:48

To be totally blunt there DS and DIL purely by default and name only
you don’t have a mother son relationship with him
I don’t think you can expect anything from them
kicking off certainly won’t improve anything

WhateverMate · 28/08/2023 11:49

Is the OP going to come back with the story?

Bit of a pointless thread if not.

Jadegreenjade · 28/08/2023 11:50

I guess he wouldn't be at all surprised if OP went NC again. Poor guy.

Kerrylass · 28/08/2023 11:53

Problem here is your expectations V's the reality.

You expect a supporting son despite the reality of a non existent relationship between you.

Whose fault is that ???

Did you remember the 40 birthdays that you missed for him?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 28/08/2023 11:55

It sounds like you and your son were victims of international child abduction.
I am so so sorry this happened to you.

Unfothe damage does sound like its been done and that unless he's willing to rebuild then there is no relationship.