To cut contact with DS and DIL

[LaurentheLemur]

Today is the first birthday I have had since my husband of 40 years died. My birthday is flagged up on FB. Today my DIL has sent me a link to click on a website to help her get a referral bonus. She has not wished me a happy birthday.

Apart from a brief message of condolence via FB at the time, and both of them missing the funeral because they "couldn't afford time off work", I have had no real contact with her or DS for years.

Background - DS was brought up by his father, my ExH, and his darling stepmother told him I was dead. ExH moved abroad for a while and we lost contact (deliberately on his part). I managed to track down DS just before his 40th birthday, but of course he hardly remembered me. Initially I tried to rebuild a relationship but it fizzled out after a while. I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship. DS never contacts me and I don't even have his phone number since he changed it a couple of years ago. I know it takes 2 to have a relationship but honestly I am wondering why I should even try when they have made it clear they aren't interested.

I'm hurt and upset that they don't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting them off completely an overreaction at a time when I'm still grieving for my DH?

Your DIL literally has nothing to do with this situation and she is in no position to tell you "how to resolve this". It's not her job to send you a birthday card.

I can't even believe you have the balls to consider cutting THEM off. WTF. How dare you. You abandoned your son for 40 years, but are annoyed he didn't send you a birthday card. Wow. Just wow.

I don't think you have any idea how hard this situation has been on your son and how it has affected his life.

I think it's clear he isn't ready or doesn't want a relationship with you. You can pretend it's the DILs fault all you want.

Brilliant post from @AlienatedChildGrown at 12.50 read and reread this OP until you absorb it.

I do still struggle to understand why you didn't try harder to find him. The internet has been around for a long time now and there are people dedicated to "finding" people - I just don't understand why this wasn't your top priority. You had BIL contact details? That seems odd.

Stop blaming your daughter-in-law, FFS. Your son can make his own decisions. You're also expecting quite a lot from your son who has trauma and doesn't even know you.

Let's say there was a multimillionaire, litigious ex who left OP penniless and set lawyers on her to take away custody. With zero visitation, phone calls. It's happened before in the world.

Where your story falls apart is the day he turned 18.

You could then have contacted him. Shown him the lawyer's letter banning you from seeing the child.

But instead, you 'lived your own life,' for twenty years more, making zero effort to make contact until his grandmother's death lit a fire under you.

Maybe you feel regretful about that.

But you have no right to take out those sad feelings on your DIL or your son.

Your exH abducted your child and you never contacted the police?!

I think a lack of a birthday message is irrelevant. The focus on your DIL is irrelevant.

your son is now is his fifties. You have both tried to reconnect but the gap is too great and the emotional back age too heavy.

you have to stop blaming your DIL. It’s not her fault.

your son doesn’t want a relationship- if he did you would had his phone number. Expecting him to be your emotional support at your husbands funeral is a huge expectation- and not one which is fair given the backstory.

you don’t really know him or his wife. Painting her as the enemy and putting yourself in the critical MIL position so t change things.

maybe you should get counselling to deal with these very complex emotions. I appreciate your autism is a big factor here - so help from someone to start looking at this from a perspective other than your own is necessary

If my ex (Oli Baron, Oligarch, Millionaire) abducted my child, I'd have two folders.

One with copies of all the court proceedings, police reports, emails to charities helping with abducted children, letters to the Pope, Crimewatch, Interpol, Princess Diana, Private Investigators, anyone - asking for help.

Folder 2 would be full of 40 years of birthday and Christmas cards, ready to give on that long awaited day you finally make contact.

I bet OP's folders would both be basically empty.

I am sorry but you sound pretty self absorbed. You’re hurt by his actions..? And you’re blaming the DIL? You barely know these people. Honestly your exH moved abroad with your DS and you were initially OK with that?? And you had the BIL’s details but didn’t move heaven and earth to keep in contact with your DS? How is any of this your DS or your DIL’s fault..? Jeez. Your exH sounds like a twat but you yourself are not coming off well. Stop blaming other people. Sounds like you don’t have a lot of contact anyway, so cutting him out of your life just sounds the petulant actions of a child! Why would you want him to suffer anymore than he already has? Because he didn’t wish you a happy birthday? And now you want to make a show of punishing him..? I am quite shocked at how self centred you sound.

In this situation it doesn’t take 2 at all. You should be doing all the running and making up for the time that was missed. He’s your son. It’s not your fault he thought you were dead but I would move heaven and earth to keep my children in my life.

I can't believe just how nasty so many of the comments are. It's an awful situation all round and you're allowed to be upset and a self absorbed on your birthday. You're grieving your husband and the life you were robbed of with your son. I think you're allowed to wallow in self pity for a while. There's nothing wrong with venting anonymously to strangers, it's not like you've sent this to your son.

Don't cut him out. Maybe send a short simple message along the lines that you wish you were more present in his life and that you'll always be there. If you get no response then step back but don't delete and block.

I think has OP come on and said she is having a really rough time and it has brought up a lot of difficult emotions around her relationship with her son then she would have gotten sympathy.

but she came on angry that her son and daughter in law didn’t go to her husbands funeral and then didn’t send her a card. She then blamed the lack of relationship on her DIL brocade it’s the woman’s job to send cards and presents.

Actually, it sounds like your DIL is doing her ‘job’, she is protecting her husband from a traumatic and vulnerable situation. It is not her place to facilitate contact with an absent parent on their whim. My husband is VLC with his biological dad and my priority is my husband and his welfare and not the hurt feelings of his absent parent.

It’s got less than fuck all to do with your daughter in law. You’re basically looking to find any woman culpable in this sorry mess except for yourself

I can see you’re hurt, but I wouldn’t close the door entirely.

Don’t block him but reduce contact significantly. If he doesn’t respond to birthday cards and presents, stop sending them.

I also think it’s unfair to expect DIL to sort presents and cards. I have never sorted a single present or card for in laws, DH does it himself without fail.

If social media contact is upsetting you, stop following them on it or change your settings so they don’t see your updates.

Let him contact you when he’s feeling up to it. Put your own feelings aside and accept him as he is.

He didn’t ask for his life to be this way. He’s made a life with his wife now- she’s his support in a life where he’s had little.

I speak from bitter experience.

My initial thoughts were yep, cut them off, probably best for them.
Now I've read the back story it's all very sad for both of you.
You may be expecting too much of your son and that might be why he's pulling away?
It definitely ISN'T wifework to sort birthday/Xmas cards out, don't blame DIL here.
In your shoes I'd leave the door open. Send the cards if you want to keep in touch but without expectation.
Good luck 🌺

There is a lot missing here. Like, why you didn't see your son for all of those years. Not sure why you think you are entitled to anything to be honest.

I’ve read your history and I think you may need to allow your DS to adjust by himself, in his own time. Perhaps you need to try and find more about his mental health and do your part to help him deal with it. Allow him his own space and time, he needs to get to know you and a relationship may develop from caring and understanding.
Another big point would be that his stepmother told him that you’d passed away, he’s already grieved at the ‘loss’, so to find out you’re really alive may awaken some feelings of resentment and upset.
On his part, he does also need to try and find some understanding that despite your best efforts, you were unable to find him or contact him due to your exH and stepmum making it difficult.
Maybe, just maybe in time, would some counselling help you both to work on a relationship and put the past behind you?
Don’t cut him out just yet, but please try to understand him not wishing you happy birthday is not out of spite, but maybe from a lack of knowing you, his sad history and mental health.

This is a man who hasn’t give OP his phone number. They reconnected 12 years ago and he has broken off contact.

I think OP needs to respect that - and leave him be until her comes to her.

Why did your exh take him 100 percent of the time and you not see him at all? I don't think you can expect him to care about you if you weren't in his childhood.

This is your opinion and the above is mine.
Her DS changes his number often, not due to avoiding contact with his mother, she’s also stated he is deeply troubled.
There’s a whole lot going on and I think there’s underlying issues as well as mental health that needs to be addressed and relationships need to be worked on.

Based on the backstory no, you should not go no contact.

I would start making more inroads to.your relationship with ds though.

She had mental health problems, he took ds abroad without her consent, broke off contact and she could not locate him or her son in a pre-internet world.

It's 2023. People were using email/internet routinely 20 years ago.

I wonder what OP actually did to locate her son?

How did OP find out her son's grandmother had died?

“DIL isn't helping in that respect (isn't it the case that in most relationships it’s the female who remembers birthdays and buys the Christmas cards?)”

This is a really sad story.
But will you stop blaming this poor woman?!
Your XH was awful.
Your son has issues.
Why do you keep blaming her?!