To cut contact with DS and DIL

[LaurentheLemur]

Today is the first birthday I have had since my husband of 40 years died. My birthday is flagged up on FB. Today my DIL has sent me a link to click on a website to help her get a referral bonus. She has not wished me a happy birthday.

Apart from a brief message of condolence via FB at the time, and both of them missing the funeral because they "couldn't afford time off work", I have had no real contact with her or DS for years.

Background - DS was brought up by his father, my ExH, and his darling stepmother told him I was dead. ExH moved abroad for a while and we lost contact (deliberately on his part). I managed to track down DS just before his 40th birthday, but of course he hardly remembered me. Initially I tried to rebuild a relationship but it fizzled out after a while. I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship. DS never contacts me and I don't even have his phone number since he changed it a couple of years ago. I know it takes 2 to have a relationship but honestly I am wondering why I should even try when they have made it clear they aren't interested.

I'm hurt and upset that they don't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting them off completely an overreaction at a time when I'm still grieving for my DH?

You're his mother and weren't in his life for the first 40 years. He owes you exactly nothing.

Why are you blaming a daughter-in-law that you barely know for something that you appear to have been the prime mover of? I don't know why your husband had custody of your child but you played no part in his upbringing. He barely knows you (and has made it pretty clear he really isn't interested in knowing you) and he has no relationship at all with your husband so I can't see why you expected him to attend the funeral. You seem to be keen to blame everyone else - it's your exH's fault, his wifes fault, the DIL's fault. Why did you not bring up your own child and how did it happen to be the case that he lived with his father? Where is your part in all of this?

They don't want to know you and they aren't interested in contact. I think they have made that pretty clear.

I am seeing that there is a huge backstory here. Probably he's got himself over the fact that you weren't around when he was a child (sorry if I have that wrong but that's why seems to be implied in your post). I think your DIL was insensitive but honestly you have to meet your DS where he is (in terms of emotionally I mean). All you can do is try very slowly over time to build a relationship if they will allow, especially DS.

Ummm, maybe take a step back and change your perspective?!

You feel hurt because you haven’t received a message on your birthday and you must be, what, in your 60s or 70s?

What on earth must your son have felt when he realised you weren’t actually dead? When he looks back on all those years (and all those birthdays, and all those other significant times of his childhood and adult life), and knows his mother just decided to completely give up on him and absent herself from his life?

Why didn’t you fight for your child? How did your ex get custody? How was he able to move him overseas? Even if there are good reasons, even if you were unable to provide a stable home for him, to just cut contact altogether seems such a scorched earth approach to your relationship with your own child. His ‘darling’ stepmother is the woman who raised him. Was it pure malice on her part to say you were dead, or was it expedience? What was going on that caused her and your ex to make that call? Your bitterness and blame towards her and now your DIL doesn’t reflect well on you.

Sorry for your loss, OP, but on the basis of the scant details in your post, YABU. I know grief is hard, but you’re coming over very ‘poor me’. Cut your son out again if you like, but you’re still effectively the adult in this relationship and he is the child, regardless of your ages. You had all the choices in this, he had none, and if you want to know him at all then it’s on you to do the heavy lifting here.

Did you send him any birthday messages when he was growing up
OP?

Why didn’t you contact him for 40 years? How does this even happen?

Wow even by mn standards some horrible responses. If the son is in his 40s you are going back to different times. There wasn't support, advice, internet available to everyone. Without a hint of the backstory there are some seriously nasty and judgemental posts.
You are going back to times when women stayed with their husbands through fear of losing their children to them. My mother stayed because of these fears. I also have a relative brought up by his father because he essentially bullied the mother out of the picture.

That gave me a wry smile.

At the point he changed numbers and didn't give it to you, I think he made his feelings clear. He doesn't want to be in contact. If you do, you're going to have to work bloody hard to change his mind.

Wow. Crikey op, this isn't looking good for you. You've told us you didn't bring your son up, but no reason why, you've told us you only contacted him when he was 40, and that he was quite clear he didnt want anything to do with you - and now you're wondering why his wife hasn't set you a birthday message?!?

If this thread is real the lack of emotional intelligence and the selfishness is staggering.

of course it must be the daughter in laws fault! What other reason could there possibly be for this man not to want a relationship with his mother!

You want the back story? Get the popcorn. This is potentially very outing. If DIL is by some chance on here I'd love her to get in touch and perhaps give me better insight and tell me how to resolve this.

I was pregnant when I married his father, we were too young and I don't think many people were surprised when we split up. I'm on the autistic spectrum (didn't know it back then, but it explains a lot of things). Initially I had custody but due to mental health issues ExH and I jointly agreed that he should have DS for a while. He took a job out of the country and took DS with him without my consent but I thought at first it was only a temporary thing so wasn't too bothered. At first he wrote and sent photos etc. They gradually petered out then stopped altogether. No responses to my letters, cards etc. His parents wouldn't tell me where he was and made it clear they didn't want anything to do with me. How the hell was I supposed to start court proceedings to get DS back when I didn't even know where he was? My ExH and DS have fairly common names, and this was well before the Internet, so without megabucks (which I didn't have) how on earth could I hope to find them?

So I got on with my life, met someone else, remarried. No I never forgot DS, I grieved for a long time but hoped that one day things would work out so we could get back in each others lives. What else could I do?

By chance, about 12 years ago, I heard that my ExH's mother had died, and got a message to my ex BIL to ask if he would contact my son on my behalf, which he did.
We had a few meetings over the next 2-3 years when DS filled me in on much of his life. He is understandably extremely messed up by the way he has been treated by me, his step mother and his father. He is NC with his father and stepmother (father and stepmother are no longer together). I'm not going to catalogue what he told me about his childhood but it wasn't happy. He has issues with his own mental health and problems with alcohol and drugs. I think this is why he's pushing me away. I know it's hard for him dealing with feelings of rejection and the confusion when he realised i wasn't dead and his father's second wife really was an evil witch (his words). No-one is coming out of this sorry saga with any glory.

After the initial half dozen meetings he has seemed less keen to keep in touch. I really can't think of anything I might have said or done to upset him. He has never sent me a birthday or Christmas card. DIL isn't helping in that respect (isn't it the case that in most relationships its the female who remembers birthdays and buys the Christmas cards?). Never any response to the cards and presents I gave him. Then covid and lockdowns prevented any visits etc, and the contact stopped altogether. I get the odd trivial message via FB from DIL but DS changes his phone number fairly regularly. He comes over as a very private and introverted person. I'm not a psychiatrist but I think he is deeply troubled and I don't know how to deal with that.

People who are saying it's all my fault and I should try harder would do well to remember that theres a combination of mental health issues on both sides, a very difficult past for both of us, and a DIL in the middle who doesn't seem to want to help. Not everyone has a perfect life or a blameless past.

I am very sorry that you have all gone through such a hard time - it sounds like you and your son are both understandably very damaged by the past. I wouldn't close any doors to your son, with what he's been through and going through he needs understanding. Be there for whatever he's able to give you, and you never know, he might come back to you more meaningfully one day if he's able and you show him you're not going to betray his trust.

You seem to be putting a lot onto your DIL, it is not her responsibility to fix the relationship between you and your son, her loyalty is and should be to your son.
After reading the back story, I would not cut contact. Your son has been let down enough by the adults in his life, if you cut contact you will prove to him again that you cannot be trusted. I understand that you are grieving and you have your own poor mental health to deal with and that can make it hard to see other people's perspectives, but this is your son - does that not make him worth the effort.

Ps. I think you're being a bit unfair on your DIL. She'll have her own side to this story, as you all do. Good luck, and I'm sorry for all your heartache x

After your second post...

1. No I wouldn't cut contact with him. Leave it open for him to come to you - if he wants to and in his own time. It is not remotely surprising that he doesn't want anything to do with you - he had an awful childhood, which you were an initial part of, and if he's in a good place now, he might not want to revisit any of it. That's his choice.

1. This is nothing to do with his wife whatsoever. Stop blaming her at all. It's internalised misogyny.

I have read your update.

That sounds horrendous for you all. I cannot imagine how you must feel.

Gently, you do need to stop blaming your DIL - it is not her responsibility to facilitate a relationship with your son.

This might well be painful to hear but it does sound like your son has such painful and complicated feelings that he only wants sporadic contact with you. That is his choice, and it is an understandable one given the circumstances.

Agreed, nothing to do with his wife. Leave her out of it. She should and is presumably taking her husbands lead.

Cannot blame your son. The whole thing is messed up.

I wouldn't close the door. After everything he's been through I wouldn't ever be surprised if he didn't make any contact.

You can continue to make contact. It will show your son you've never forgotten him and won't again. But in these circumstances I wouldn't ever expect a response.

I've been the DIL in this situation and it's shit and totally unfair. I was called a bitch on FIL Facebook page, I was the one they all contacted to try and get hold on DH and got the brunt of the abuse/begging/moaning. It's an impossible situation being in the middle, you can't please anyone. I certainly wouldn't sending cards on DH behalf to relatives against his wishes. I had absolutely nothing to do with DH decision to go NC with his family but as a women received the blame based on precisely nothing.
Your son very obviously has deep issues surrounding his family and upbringing and cannot cope with a relationship with you right now. Step back and let him come to you IF he wants to. DH could never reconnect with his late father as it was too damaging to his mental health. Being totally NC was the only way he could recover from a nervous breakdown and he has never regretted it.

Yeah, it’s absolutely nothing to do with the mans wife. At all. Cool that you got on with life, sounds like that’s what this man is doing too. He’s likely felt the ‘meh. What could I do?’ attitude you radiate and is returning that same energy.

Today is my 18th birthday. My mother has not even sent a card, or called. She has not wished me a happy birthday. I know she has her BIL's contact details.

I'm hurt and upset that she doesn't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting her off completely an overreaction when I know it was my dad who cut her off first?

Xxx

Today is my 21st birthday. My mother has not even sent a card, or called. She has not wished me a happy birthday. I know she has her BIL's contact details.

I'm hurt and upset that she doesn't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me.

Xxx
Today is my 30th birthday. My mother has not even sent a card, or called. She has not wished me a happy birthday. I know she has her BIL's contact details.

I've been on Facebook for years. I know I have a common name, but if she asked the librarian for help, she could have found me in one afternoon through connections, or looking for people with my name who have the same birthday.

I'm hurt and upset that she doesn't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me.

Xxxx
It's my 39th birthday. My mother has not even sent a card, or called since I was a child.

If she had wanted to find me it would not be hard. Even paying a PI is something she could have done in the last few decades.

I'm hurt and upset that she doesn't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me.

Xxxx

My mum got in touch when my grandmother died. I'm hurt and upset that she could have got in touch years ago, but waited for this devastating time.

Xxxx

My estranged mother seems to hate my wife, who has been my rock as I've undergone years of therapy for addiction issues.

I've changed my number. I'm done with her.

I read this update from your sons perspective

It was 'too hard' to get in touch as a child, so you moved on with your life, leaving him to have what sounds like a tough childhood without intervention.

I had a broadly similar upbringing to your son and am v low contact with my parents.

Expecting your son to give you any emotional support is not realistic. Dropping that responsibility on his wife is just wrong.

Shouldn't be 'it's my 18/21st/39th birthday. I wish my mum hadn't died' and then 'it's nearly my 40th birthday. I've just found out that my grandmother, stepmother and father lied to me, told me that my mother was dead and deliberately stopped her from being able to contact me'?

Non of the back story changes anything, and getting upset that he/ DIL has never sent cards/presents is insane.
You seem to blame him at every turn when you are the one with 4 decades of making up to do!

I'm not surprised he is low bordering on no contact with you. You can't just swan into someone's life 40 years later and think you get to be a parent figure to them.

He has issues with his own mental health and problems with alcohol and drugs. I think this is why he's pushing me away.

It couldn't possibly be your own behaviour pushing him away??

In your place I wouldn't do anything.

Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Your innocent child has had a dreadful life and deals with the consequences of it everyday.

Accept the contact you have and be open and welcoming to any further contact.

Your husbands death is little to do with him.

Likewise your birthday, to be honest.

I mean it very kindly, but he was failed by all his parents for various reasons.

You need to put your feelings aside completely, and remain quietly open to any and all contact from him, whenever it may come.

He has had a truly dreadful childhood and is living with the consequences every single day.

If I knew my child was out there grappling with the grief and pain he has, I wouldn't be thinking of my birthday and how I was feeling to be honest.

I would expect nothing from him and hope for the best.

Wishing you well.

Poor DIL who has nothing to do with the whole sorry tale but is getting the blame because buying cards is wifework.

OP you need to accept your part of the blame here, and accept that that means your son doesn't want a relationship with you.