To cut contact with DS and DIL

[LaurentheLemur]

Today is the first birthday I have had since my husband of 40 years died. My birthday is flagged up on FB. Today my DIL has sent me a link to click on a website to help her get a referral bonus. She has not wished me a happy birthday.

Apart from a brief message of condolence via FB at the time, and both of them missing the funeral because they "couldn't afford time off work", I have had no real contact with her or DS for years.

Background - DS was brought up by his father, my ExH, and his darling stepmother told him I was dead. ExH moved abroad for a while and we lost contact (deliberately on his part). I managed to track down DS just before his 40th birthday, but of course he hardly remembered me. Initially I tried to rebuild a relationship but it fizzled out after a while. I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship. DS never contacts me and I don't even have his phone number since he changed it a couple of years ago. I know it takes 2 to have a relationship but honestly I am wondering why I should even try when they have made it clear they aren't interested.

I'm hurt and upset that they don't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting them off completely an overreaction at a time when I'm still grieving for my DH?

he clearly doesn’t want contact with his mother though - otherwise he would be in contact and he would give her his number. If he wanted he could give his new number each time he changes it - he doesn’t. That is clear signal that OP needs to respect.

you have no idea why he changes his number. If he wanted a relationship with this woman he would give her the new number. This is an adult in his fifties who is maintaining a relationship with his wife.

From OP’s description they tried to establish a mother-son relationship a decade ago and it didn’t work. This is almost like a birth mother reconnecting with a child who was adopted. There wasn’t contact for at least 35 years. It doesn’t always end in a happy reunification and OP needs to respect her sons boundaries:

not all issues can be addressed.

He was 40 when she found him 12.years ago so more than 20 years ago so it, she had him in 1971 and he had absconded abroad with him pre 1980.
As far as how much the Internet has changed, for example in 2000 when i graduated i definitely recall that the world of the internet was much more limited than what we have today - you really forget how far and how much it has changed in that time. When I left school in 1996 they had just got a single computer with a mouse - all the other computers were the old BBC computers, they got a scanner for the new computer, it was held by hand and you manually pulled it down the page to scan. It was truly a v different place.

Private investigators existed though. It sounds like it wasn’t too hard to find him. His uncle knew where us was and was willing to hand over the details.

this is a very complicated story and I am sure none of. Will every fully understand the range of emotions felt by all parties.

but OP is only focused on her pain. She is not the inly injured party - and she was an adult. Her son was the most innocent victims of this. Yet she seems to lack compassion for him. She wants
him to become part of her support network.

Hand on heart, can OP say that every single contact to her ex-husband's family WHO HAD HER CHILDREN was lost/changed?

How did she find out the grandma died?

Would you not have paid a couple of hundred pounds to a private investigator to find your son?

Unless they are Jason Bourne types, it's honestly not hard to find people, even ones with common names, if you also know their date of birth.

Honestly I don't want to be harsh when you're going through a tough time but it was always going to to be far too late to have a relationship with your son .
He probably thinks that now you're older and alone you are happy to face a relationship with him.

He owes you absolutely nothing I'm afraid and I'd be grateful for the titbits he will throw your way even though I'm sure you would love a closer relationship .
Sorry op. I'd focus on building relationships and friendships closer to you.

I think he probably doesn't believe that you had no way of contacting him for 40 years.

I think he probably feels that you let him go too easily, didn't try very hard to find him and don't seem to be taking much responsibility for any of it.

Even if it wasn't your fault in any way, it certainly wasn't his fault either.

He's met you now and appears unimpressed by whatever you said or did at those meetings - not enough to change his mind about you.

He has gone low contact, as is his right.

I doubt he has given much thought to how you would feel about a simple message.

I think the key words in OP's post are "I moved on with my life."

Anything that wasn't, "I fought tooth and nail for contact but was denied," together with, "I did everything I could to pay for PI's to find a contact number/address when he turned 18."

= her son realized he was never a priority in her life and thus disengaged.

Reach out to him ( not looking for sympathy)find out if there’s any way you could be part of his life. He may be a grown man, but you’re still the adult in the relationship. Try and mother him a little if he’ll let you. My dad and I are estranged, he makes no effort, he was the one in the wrong and he was an awful dad to me. He has no interest in me and even at 42 it hurts. 🍀

You reap what you sow.

It sounds like your son just doesn’t want to deal with anymore drama in his life. He is probably settled with his wife and is trying to have a stress free life. There’s clearly a lot of resentment and hurt feelings on his side and maybe he’s just not ready to address any issues just yet. I don’t think it’s fair for you to blame your DIL. You don’t know her or them as a couple well enough. She’s probably protecting her husband from further stress and heart ache.
Regardless of your reasons for not being able to track your son down, can you honestly say you did everything in your power? Did you do enough? So many parents would have moved heaven and earth to find their missing child. Did you report him as being kidnapped?

From your update OP, I suspect your DS thinks you did not do enough or fight hard enough to find him. He was having an awful time and you moved on with your life.

That may or may not be true but it is about how he perceives what happened. Do not cut contact but also lower your expectations from both your DS and DIL. He went through a very tough time by the sounds of it.

I don't have the answers OP, but understand your distress. There are so many complications and pain around fractured families.
I hope you have a good, supportive network of friends whose company bring you some comfort and enjoyment. 💐

So these are your Ex's parents and not your lost DH's?

If so, why are you in contact with them anyway?

As for your DS... He is still your son. Whether he seems to need you or not, I would stay in his life. If he has MH issues, he may not feel able to send you a birthday card - imagine the torment of standing in front of a range of cutesy cards not knowing what to say. My lovely DS is in the next room but didn't get me a card for my birthday as he struggles hugely with knowing which to pick and what to write in it.

None of this is DIL fault. Stop blaming her. Sounds like she is one of the few people who has cared for your son and makes an effort with you. Manage your expectations, don't cut them off, this is a very long road.

I’ve worked harder to keep relationships going than OP worked on finding her son. It’s pathetic.
Time to leave the man and his wife alone.

Lord what a selfish woman you are.

Its never going to be an easy relationship by the sound of it, he has his (attachment?) based issues and you have some communication/ issues with presence/ distance and connection.

Closing off will make this hard. I'd suggest lowering your expectation and keep lines of communication open. Stop blaming the dil, none of this is her fault and she knows him better than you do.

He's got a lot from his childhood to deal with, making this in anyway harder won't work.

😂

without reading all of the comments, this sounds a very devastating story all round. If it were me, I would be keeping lines of communication open with your DIL, just reiterate kindly that you know a lot of damage has been done, but you love your son dearly and will always be there for him should he wish to meet/talk at any point, and then thank her for being there for him,I would ensure you acknowledge birthdays etc so he knows he is in your thoughts, this I'm sure is very hard given the emotional damage you must both have endured. But if you keep your communication with your DIL friendly but not pushy who knows if things will change further down the line.

Oh @LaurentheLemur this is such a terrible situation.
Did you report your ex for stealing your son? To the police etc?? Maybe he feels you didn’t try enough?? All that aside though what is done is done and can’t be changed…
I think you need to keep the contact open, but lower expectations… I don’t think it’s fair to blame the DIL for the lack of birthday and Christmas cards though… it seems a rather draconian/sexist view… your son even if he doesn’t remember your birthday knows when Christmas is!! If I were you I’d send him birthday and Christmas cards and just hope for one back but not expect one back…
Maybe your way in here IS getting close to the DIL?
Give yourself time to grieve x

I think some replies are way OTT. We don't know the history but it didn't sound to me like the OP wanted a crutch or fully fledged relationship just an acknowledgement of her loss & a birthday message.

Personally I'd just leave it until they get in touch...still sending bday & Xmas cards so the doors ajar.

Good luck