To cut contact with DS and DIL

[LaurentheLemur]

Today is the first birthday I have had since my husband of 40 years died. My birthday is flagged up on FB. Today my DIL has sent me a link to click on a website to help her get a referral bonus. She has not wished me a happy birthday.

Apart from a brief message of condolence via FB at the time, and both of them missing the funeral because they "couldn't afford time off work", I have had no real contact with her or DS for years.

Background - DS was brought up by his father, my ExH, and his darling stepmother told him I was dead. ExH moved abroad for a while and we lost contact (deliberately on his part). I managed to track down DS just before his 40th birthday, but of course he hardly remembered me. Initially I tried to rebuild a relationship but it fizzled out after a while. I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship. DS never contacts me and I don't even have his phone number since he changed it a couple of years ago. I know it takes 2 to have a relationship but honestly I am wondering why I should even try when they have made it clear they aren't interested.

I'm hurt and upset that they don't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting them off completely an overreaction at a time when I'm still grieving for my DH?

You are treating him as if you’d been there and cared for him all of his life, and he’s suddenly distanced himself for no reason. Which is the opposite of the truth. If you want a relationship you need to build it yourself, you need to reach out to him again, and again and again with zero expectations until you build up some kind of trust in him that it’s worth him risking his feelings to connect to you.

Where did you pull that one from?

As Judge Judy says, if I woke up one day and my child wasn't there, I'd be in court that day and every day after until they were back in my life. There's literally nothing that would be more important to spend my time or money on doing than finding out where my child was.

I'm sorry about your husband. But I really struggle as a mother myself to understand how you can 'lose contact' with your child?! As if they are just a friend that moved away and the relationship fizzled out. Hell would freeze over before I ever ever would 'lose contact' with either of my two children. I wouldn't rest until I had them in my life. So I imagine your son is hurt and confused by why he didn't have a relationship with you as a child.

You've come to that conclusion on the non existent information the OP has provided?

Blimey, I hope you're never called for jury service.

Aged 40 is a bit late to start playing mum.

It seems that they are strangers to you, acquaintances at best. I send condolences via Facebook for the death of an acquaintances spouse too, I wouldn't go to the funeral. I'd not remember their birthday.

Sorry about the loss of your DH but I don't see how your ds is at fault here.

What have you been smoking?

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband

I think you need to realise that after believing you were dead for 40 years your son has many emotions. Abandonment being the strongest, followed by anger and resentment. You are also a stranger to him who is trying to force a connection when there really isn't one.

Most people don't change their phone numbers unless they are being harassed or getting very unwelcome calls/texts. That was his answer. It's time to leave him alone.

I think there are some very harsh assumptions and comments here. None of us know what happened but I do know that 30 / 40 years ago the world was a different place and without decent communications it would be very easy to vanish, especially abroad. None of us know if op was abused by her ex and unable to pay legal fees or costs to find the son.

There’s no excuse. She should have been in court every day, if she couldn’t afford it, she should have got several more jobs, that’s the barest of minimum that anyone who chose to have a kid should do. The petulance and resentment at her child and his parents radiates from her post.

There's too much of the story missing here...

But as he didn't even know you existed until he was 40 and we don't know the reasons behind that, then YABU to expect so much.

Why would he take a day off work to come to the funeral of someone he hardly knew?

And sometimes kids are lousy at remembering birthdays. My DH forgot his mum's birthday.

More detail needed really on why you lived apart for 40 years before PP can understand and respond more fully.
But if he had no link with you for all that time (and presumably for most of this time also your DH/his stepdad), you weren't involved for whatever reason in his upbringing, he didnt want to attend your DHs (his stepdads) funeral, and has deliberately changed his phone number, I think you're already LC, if not NC. He was probably shocked that for whatever reason you'd not been in touch all that time and you both haven't had a chance to build normal mother-child bonds.

Maybe respond to the email from his DW in a calm (not asking why he's forgotten your birthday) manner and ask how they're getting on and maybe arrange to meet up soon? I think you may have to face the fact that he might not feel he wants an ongoing relationship though.

Exactly this.

From his POV you were absent from his life and not a parent who raised him. I don't want to be unduly harsh, but on first reading my sympathies lie with him. His stepmother may have said you were dead, but it did take you 40 years to correct that. Perhaps there are extenuating circumstances.

But regardless, you do not have a typical parent/child relationship with him as a natural consequence of the absence, and so you would be best to seek support elsewhere.

So you had no relationship with your child until they got about 40yo and you are pissed that they don't really want to have a relationship with you?

This is clearly more complicated.

you haven’t been a parent to this man. You didn’t raise him. You weren’t there for any of his big childhood or adult moments.

but now you are upset that he has forgot your birthday? How many of his birthdays did you miss?

Well of course none of us know what happened, because the OP for whatever reason thought it was a good idea to start this thread, without telling us.

Sorry for your loss.

We need a lot more info to judge this accurately:

• Did you leave your son/give him up? Why?
• did they just take him? Why?
• did you have MH issues?
• did you try to have contact with son? Where arrangements made?
• did they keep in touch/update addresses?
• how much did you try?

Etc

Without wishing to sound unkind, your relationship with them is not such that cutting contact would make much difference.

There will undoubtedly be a lot of confusion and pain surrounding your relationship. Have you and your son ever talked through what happened and the feelings around the estrangement and reunion?

I’m sorry for your loss and hope you enjoy your birthday

And the referral link from the DIL was probably a 'send to all' anyway, so she probably never noticed the birthday notification.

To be honest it sounds like they have cut contact with you anyway other than triviality so don't think it would make much difference if you decided to cut them out.

My MIL has done absolutely nothing for my DH or DC. Literally, not acknowledged the kids at all and is a nasty piece of work to DH. Neglected as a child, left filthy and hungry and having to steal food but she looked after herself. As an adult, she has continued to be nasty at every opportunity. So we do not bother anymore. No birthday cards/Mother's Day cards or Christmas presents. She now plays the victim to everyone saying we are nasty to her and keeping her DGC from her. But the truth of the matter is we actually do not care anymore and DH is so much happier without her.

I don't think you should make any big emotional decisions when you are already in emotional turmoil. That said, this decision sounds much more complicated - we don't know the rights or wrongs but your son must have his own feelings on this situation.

What exactly are you doing to try?
All I read is you have had zero relationship with your son but expect him to fawn over over you?

Depends. It certainly isn't if the only reason she wasn't in touch was because her ex had moved away and disappeared with their son at a time when it wasn't easy to find people who didn't want to be found.

Sorry for your loss.

What we're the circumstances in which your exh gained custody? Without that information it is hard to advise.

I don't understand why on earth you'd expect a grown man (your son) who doesn't know you would be your emotional support. You just said you've not really spoken for 2 years so why would he suddenly be bothering about your birthday now? I'd assume you'd be celebrating with your close friends and family ie not him.
As for you DIL, I doubt very much she is influencing how invested your son is in your 'relationship'. Emotionally you're no different to a distant cousin or aunt, or Betty down the road.
Personally I wouldn't feel the need to do anything. Like what? Block DIL on fb....the onus is on you to make the effort to build a relationship and be greatful for anything that comes your way.