To cut contact with DS and DIL

[LaurentheLemur]

Today is the first birthday I have had since my husband of 40 years died. My birthday is flagged up on FB. Today my DIL has sent me a link to click on a website to help her get a referral bonus. She has not wished me a happy birthday.

Apart from a brief message of condolence via FB at the time, and both of them missing the funeral because they "couldn't afford time off work", I have had no real contact with her or DS for years.

Background - DS was brought up by his father, my ExH, and his darling stepmother told him I was dead. ExH moved abroad for a while and we lost contact (deliberately on his part). I managed to track down DS just before his 40th birthday, but of course he hardly remembered me. Initially I tried to rebuild a relationship but it fizzled out after a while. I think DIL wears the pants in their relationship. DS never contacts me and I don't even have his phone number since he changed it a couple of years ago. I know it takes 2 to have a relationship but honestly I am wondering why I should even try when they have made it clear they aren't interested.

I'm hurt and upset that they don't seem to have any understanding of how much a simple message would mean to me. But is cutting them off completely an overreaction at a time when I'm still grieving for my DH?

Your update is heartbreaking - I can’t imagine why it must’ve been like to have a son out there somewhere and not know where he was and how he was doing. But you need to stop saying your DIL isn’t helping. I get you must be from a generation where women were expected to carry the life load for their family but things aren’t like that thankfully any longer. It’s not her responsibility to facilitate contact between you and your son and it seems that right now he simply doesn’t want to be in your life. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and let him know you’re there whenever he’s ready to get back in touch. But do stop blaming her for it.

You haven't had a mother-son relationship for 40 years of his life so you can't expect one now. From what you say neither of you are to blame for this, although as you are the parent I can see why he might well blame you for not having tried harder to track him down.

I'm nor sure people can really form a true mother-son bond in adulthood anyway, despite what programmes like Long Lost Families seem to imply. The abandoned child will feel just that anyway, regardless of how the abandonment happened (I know a lot about this as we have adopted kids in our family).

As for blaming your DIL - that's very unfair, and seems sexist on you part. She's likely very well aware of your son's feeling concerning you, and has no reason to interfere or go against his wishes. Why would she? It's not her role to facilitate his relationship with his mother.

Kindly, despite any backstory, you need to meet your son where he is. You cannot expect emotional support from him. In fact, stop having any expectations at all and be there for him in the way that's most comfortable for him. And lay off his wife, none of this has anything to do with her

There's a support group for estranged adults/parents which I recommend you look into: https://www.standalone.org.uk/about/

That’s some projecting considering OP said her son was told she was dead by his stepmother who he is now NC with.

You had no relationship with your son for 40 years. I understand that wasn’t necessarily your choice, but essentially you were a stranger to him. He can’t summon up love and affection for someone he didn’t even know until he was approaching his own middle age.

Your son was let down by his father, his stepmother and by you, and it’s entirely understandable that he doesn’t feel much of a connection to you. I certainly don’t think it was unreasonable for him to decline to come to your husband’s funeral, given that your husband was someone your son had zero connection with.

YABVVU.

Seriously stop blaming his wife. PP is right, you are probably from a generation of women blamed for bloody everything and expected to fix everything.

Your relationship with your son has zero to do with her. It is not her job to fix it or facilitate fixing it. The only job she has is to support her husband in whatever he wants to do.

If he wanted contact with you at the end of the day I'm sure you'd have it.

All you can do is let him know you'll always want some contact with him, if he's open to that, you'll be there.

But in these circumstances I don't think you should sit around waiting or expecting anything.

Sounds like you cut him off as a child. You reap what you sow. I wouldn't take time off work for a stranger in another country's funeral either.

Oh you say they moved abroad for awhile, Apologies. I still wouldn't think to go to a strangers funeral though.

Just seen your update. No DIL is not responsible for buying you bday or Xmas cards. Wtf op.

I understand it’s a horrible situation all around, and has been from the start, but from your DS’s position he was abandoned by his mother very young, lied to by father and step mother, had an awful childhood and didn’t hear from you until he was 40, when he found out you weren’t dead, but also hadn’t contacted him until then.
I mean this gently, as I understand you were in a difficult position throughout also, and because you’re grieving now, but your priority here should be your DS, letting him take the lead on what contact he wants, continuing to send bday and xmas cards to him, messages of support to show you’ve not forgotten or given up on him, but not expecting anything in return.

Don’t out any of this on DIL. She is supporting her DH and letting him take the lead. It’s not on her to facilitate a relationship with you.

It's not your daughter in law's job to fix this. It's not her fault your son resents you and doesn't want you in his life.
Her loyalty is to him. She rightly respects his wishes in this matter.

I'm sorry OP. But none of this is DILs fault or responsibility.

It's certainly not up to the person with the vagina to manage the birthday and Christmas card situation, that's a very old fashioned and misogynistic view that is on its way out.

Sorry you had a rough time of it when he was a child. I don't think there's anything you can do unless DS chooses to be in contact with you. It's definitely not for DIL to manage.

I don't understand why would you expect either of them to attend your new husband's funeral? They don't know you, let alone him.

Stop blaming your DIL and leave the door open for your son to contact you if/when he's ready.

This isn't your DIL job to fix any of this. Stop blaming her. Your son is his own person, he can make his own decisions. And for whatever reasons the decision he's made of that he didn't want to be in regular contact at this time.
Clearly this is a chain of events that has spiraled, but it isn't your Dil's fault.

As an aside if my DH suddenly expected me to handle all the cards and gifts for his family he'd be in for disappointment.

I don’t think I’ve bought a card for a member of DH’s family in my life. That’s his job because he’s an adult and I have a family of my own to buy for because I’m also an adult.

If you keep blaming your son’s wife for her perceived (but entirely unjustified) failings you will only alienate him more.

OP

Your story is also his story. You can see your own pain, powerlessness, loss, need to exist beyond the loss, frustration that somebody isn’t trying hard enough to untangle a huge historical web of collapsed parental bonds.

Shift the lens. Go through each stage and consider his perspective with the same sense of degree of powerlessness, loss and confusion you factor in for yourself.

DIL can’t fix this. She wouldn’t even know where to start. Don’t fix your sights on her as the one responsible to unpick this. If a spouse could or should do that, then why did your late husband not do it ? You will have good reason to understand why he could not be expected to do this. Allow those same reasons to help you understand why she cannot be the solution you expect her to be.

Your single greatest tool right now is the capacity to view the events of the past from perspectives other than your own. As hard as it can be to recognise that other people also have their limitations, inability to cope, mental & emotional struggles, and that they are more than “the bad one” in the equation, it’s still what you need to do.

Because if you come at your son with only your lens colouring your view of who did what wrong and who should be putting things right you are far more likely to cement his distance from you than make him feel you are safe enough to allow in even a little bit.

You have self compassion for how hard it was for you to fight for a relationship with your son over the years. Can you afford him the same compassion that his “able & ready now” state is not running on the same timeline as yours ?

I’d also caution against taking a very black and white view of his father’s choices. At the very least in any communications with your son. It is perfectly possible to think your parent made awful choices, become estranged from them as a result, and still deeply resent criticism of them by the parent who wasn’t there.

Nobody can tell you how this will end. Only you know how much time, energy and personal cost you are prepared to pay in the attempt to reconnect with your son. But you can establish a start point that relies exclusively on your willingness to try.

That start point is practicing going over the past events with the perspective of the other people, adults and child, who were involved. It’s not at all easy. But based on my own experience (albeit as the child not the parent), stepping into the “shades of grey” skin of ALL the others involved gives a much more nuanced picture of how things evolved into the final mess.

I ran out of time before I ran out of hope. But despite the lack of Disney happy ending, I finally found a place of peace. If nothing else it is an exercise that may help you process your pain at how the past panned out. So worth a try on that basis alone.

You come across as phenomenally self absorbed, which, granted, may be an autism trait. Your DS has had a terrible life, which is partly your responsibility, and you're bothered about him not wishing you happy birthday?! IMO you're lucky he ever wanted to meet you at all.

I think your excuses about why you couldn't track him down are weak. He, rightly IMO, surmises that you didnt try hard enough, and while the ex-DH and evil SM may have been the ones that started off the whole situation, you did nothing to fix it, despite having BiL's details.

Your DiL is currently your DS's rock, and entirely on his side. You do not and should not be her problem. To imply any of this is her responsibility is misogynistic.

I think i can see why your exH decided to keep your son away from you

You call him exdh, when did you divorce? How did you suddenly find contact details for bil on her death?
Cynic in me makes me query inheritance seeking! Facebook/bebo/MSN has been about since mid 90s. Why wouldn't you be contacting everyone with his name of his age as often as you could.
Agree with pp, its all very poor you.

@LaurentheLemur please stop blaming the DIL, that she’s the gatekeeper to you son and her responsibility as the female to send you cards. More than likely she loves your son and is looking out for him and following his lead the contact he wants with you.

Please don’t define your relationship by card sand gifts sent or not, they will have already got that with you it’s all about Birthday and cards.

Try and stay in contact if you wish, but it all sounds shit on both sides, but he is not there to support you and the DIL isn’t stopping contact your son is. Which is fair enough.

Death is a crunch point. There is a finality to it that reminds people time is our one non-renewable resource. What got put off because it’s scary and unpredictable suddenly comes into a sharper focus.

And a death can create a flurry of activity online which creates breadcrumbs on a trail to a key player in the family web. Pre-flurry, breadcrumbs can be a bit thin on the ground when google keeps giving out false leads or leads that turn into dead-ends.

It’s not that unusual that a birth or a death acts like the points changing, turning a person off the long straight “I’ll do it when I’m better able to face it” track they’ve been chugging down for years and onto a direct route in search of the one they lost.

You had their address for sending letters to. You should have flown out there and started proceedings to get your son returned to Britain.

Stop the sob story. This is on you. You moved on and he does not want you in his life.

Your dil is not responsible for cards, gifts, or any other contact.

your son was horribly let down by every adult who should have been taking care of him. That had consequences in his life.

you need to earn your place back in your sons life. He doesn’t owe you birthday wishes. If you stay present in his life long enough, those things will come naturally, but it may take years and years to undue the damage.

@AlienatedChildGrown Well yes, but I think for most having their child taken from them would be a crunch point, prior to an ex mil passing!

But it wasn’t, in the circumstances she was in back then. And there is no Tardis available to change that.

She sprang into action when she did. Death is a forceful reminder that we all run out of tomorrows. It’s not an unusual catalyst to shift people from a more passive position.

The OP can’t change when the crunch point happened for her. She can only alter how she shows up in her child’s world.

Hmm always skeptical of an Op that posts something and only comes back, to tell everyone why they are the victim, once posts have stopped.

But non of that changes anything. You let him leave the country for an unknown amount of time and we’re fine with it. You say it was without your consent. But you also said you weren’t that fussed.

I don’t know anyone who would be ok with their ex taking their child abroad to live, even temporarily, without their consent. But you were happy.

Do you really expect people to believe he stole yours child, took them abroad and you had no idea They were going? But you didn’t mind as long as you got the odd letter? And when they stopped you had no way of tracking them down. So you had no clue where your ex was writing from? I assume you also didn’t send your son a letter. Or you would know where they were and that would have been the starting point?

Your diagnosis of autism is neither here nor there in this situation. You were quite happy for him to be loved abroad. Made no attempt to find him. But also had enough people still in common to track down your ex bil and hear your ex mil had died? This was all during the time you were building a new life for yourself.

Whatever the reasons, you didn’t put enough effort in with your son. They aren’t going to put themselves out for someone they barely know, because their husband died. And the fact that you assume it must be Dils job to send you a card, shows that you really have no clue.

Your son barely knows you and isn’t interested in your reasons and/or excuses. His wife has no responsibility to you at all.