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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 28/08/2023 09:26

Has she formally asked work for a change of hours or just asked a supervisor/line manager in person? She needs to request it formally and they need to consider it.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 09:28

Does your daughter work from home?
If so, could she start at 5am and take a break to get child up and to childcare each morning and then continue on?
Realistically, you might be able to manage two pick ups per week and be available for emergencies.
You need to be honest and think ahead three monthly and consider your availability.
Your daughter might have to work out another arrangement such as where she cares for her friend's child for eight hours on the weekend in return or something.

Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:28

she did put in a request and there was a meeting (this was when she was pregnant) and they said it would have a negative effect on the way the business runs due to her specific lab operating on split shifts, she expressed that some are doing a 8:30-5 shift pattern and they explained they were in roles where that was ok but they are phasing out those roles and from a business perspective it wont work to allow it going forward and then it was left there, i am assuming that is all she can do

OP posts:
strawberryandcreams · 28/08/2023 09:29

I really don't understand why everyone is betraying the OPs daughter.

Sounds to me like a system which has set her up to fail.

The reason her child is 7 months and her childcare is not sorted is because her work have probably only just come back and said no for 8-5. OP there is the new flex appeal which has just passed, I'm not sure of the ins and outs but it sounds quite discriminatory for you daughter not to have flexible working hours around her child. Especially as a single mum.

I say hats off to her for being a single mum and being out there trying to work. Finding a new job after maternity is not easy. Hats off to you for trying to help your daughter.

Sorry excuse for a father and sorry excuse for work and flexibility.
A failings system which makes me so angry!

Hope you all manage to get it sorted OP. For everyone's sake

LaviniasBigBloomers · 28/08/2023 09:29

If she works in a lab she's a skilled woman in STEM. HR will not want her going elsewhere so it's absolutely vital that she uses the policies and doesn't just accept a verbal 'nah' from a line manager who can't be arsed to make any changes and likes having their team in at the same time as they are...

Goldencup · 28/08/2023 09:30

WantingToEducate · 28/08/2023 08:55

I doubt childminders will accept a 5.30am drop off either.

I’ve always used childminders and the earliest drop-offs I was allowed were at 7am.

That’s not to say early drop-off childminders aren’t out there so you’re daughter may have to do some digging deep to find one.

I also feel sorry for the baby who is going to woken up at 5am every morning 😢

I know it must be extremely hard as a single parent but your daughter really needs to look at changing her shift patterns because her current set-up just doesn’t seem feasible long term.

Show quote history

This up to you but I would suggest they both sleepover at yours rather than a 5:30am drop off 3 times a week.

Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:31

i think she was hoping she would get the 8:30-5 shift pattern as it seems to have been allowed for people coming back from maternity in the past but the company have put a stop to it and dont seem to be budging

OP posts:
SalomeOtterbourne · 28/08/2023 09:31

The moment I am retired Is the moment I will never, ever get up before 6 in the morning unless it's for something enjoyable I've planned for myself. That would be a very hard HELL NOPE from me.

Goldencup · 28/08/2023 09:32

Is she in a union ? These hours seem incredibly unchildfriendly.

Iwasafool · 28/08/2023 09:32

I know someone who did it for a GC but she didn't get up at 5, her DD arrived and put baby in bed with mum before 6 am, gran and baby had a cuddle and got up about 7. She wasn't working though and she didn't have to do pick up from nursery.

Goldencup · 28/08/2023 09:32

SalomeOtterbourne · 28/08/2023 09:31

The moment I am retired Is the moment I will never, ever get up before 6 in the morning unless it's for something enjoyable I've planned for myself. That would be a very hard HELL NOPE from me.

How lovely.

WimbyAce · 28/08/2023 09:33

Is there no option to reduce her hours so that she could drop the child at a childminders for say 7 and then do the pick up? I think it is too much to expect you to do it every day and also the very early starts are not going to be workable for everyone. Then maybe the 2 days a week you were looking to do baby could stay overnight at your house?

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 09:33

ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:28

she did put in a request and there was a meeting (this was when she was pregnant) and they said it would have a negative effect on the way the business runs due to her specific lab operating on split shifts, she expressed that some are doing a 8:30-5 shift pattern and they explained they were in roles where that was ok but they are phasing out those roles and from a business perspective it wont work to allow it going forward and then it was left there, i am assuming that is all she can do

So she’s known this for at least 8 months but has only just asked you? Sorry, but to expect the solution to be that you and the baby get up at 4.30am every day is really taking the piss.

I can’t imagine any childminder will want a baby for an hour and a half every lunchtime-our locally nurseries/childminders are closing left eight and centre so the ones remaining can pick exactly what suits them.

Alwaysdecorating · 28/08/2023 09:33

ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:31

i think she was hoping she would get the 8:30-5 shift pattern as it seems to have been allowed for people coming back from maternity in the past but the company have put a stop to it and dont seem to be budging

But has she out a formal flexible working request in?

StrongandNorthern · 28/08/2023 09:33

This is madness!! (I'm a Gran, and do childcare for my grandchildren, so I understand your desperately wanting to help ... and the guilt if you say 'No')
In this case though it sounds as if it's pure desperation to 'make it work' (on your daughter's part). It simply IS NOT workable - for you, or the child.
Please say 'No'. Other solutions will have to be found. Her job is simply not compatible with her current hours.
How long would it continue? Until school? It's completely unsustainable - even for a few weeks. Can you ask DH to 'back you up' here - present a United front so that it doesn't just feel like you saying 'No'? (I know how much you want to help her, I really do, but this time there has to be another way).
5 30 am starts for you AND the baby ... as has been said already ... I'm amazed she even asked. I suspect you have always managed to help and support her with everything before so not doing this will be hard, and against the grain for you, but best for everyone in the end.
Good Luck. You're a brilliant Mum and Gran.

Wafflesandcrepes · 28/08/2023 09:33

Hi OP, your daughter is getting a hard time here. I would never advise a single parent to stop working and stay at home. It’s very isolating and money would be very tight. So I think your daughter is doing great by having a job and wanting to work.

I agree that her hours are not great now she has a little one and that she should look at other options in and out of the current company. I would be hesitant to involve HR as they tend to make everything worse.

Is this her dream job or would she be equally happy in another job?

YomAsalYomBasal · 28/08/2023 09:33

It's good that she felt she could ask. I'm a single parent and wouldn't even be able to hint this to my parents as they'd tell me to f right off. You must have a good relationship.
Is this a new job she has or an old job she needs time to extricate herself from? If the former she simply can't accept it. If it's short term, eg returning from mat leave and then she will be looking for a new job, I might agree, but with a time limit such as Xmas at the latest. Those work hours just aren't compatible with single parenthood.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 09:34

It’s good that you and your dh can help. I’d do the same. Ask the nursery if they can do until 1.30pm on some days even on a flexible basis. See what they say and how to pay for this. If not then it’s good that you can help. Your daughter working will be a lot for her to manage so your helping out is really good. The question I’d have is what happens when your dgs is sick and can’t go to nursery. What would your daughter be doing ? Would she expect you to be looking after him? How would this work with your job? Days that the nursery is on holiday? Again does your daughter want you to look after her son? Get these questions sorted before the arrangement starts. Other posters have suggested that your daughter gets another job with better hours and this is a good idea but getting another job isn’t easy and it also depends what work she does. I hope that all will smooth out and the return to work will go well. Not having the father of her child to help shows what a total loser he is. It’s fortunate that you and your dh are there for your dgs.

Alwaysdecorating · 28/08/2023 09:34

If it was an actual formal request, they need to explain in writing why her working those shifts are damaging to the business

KateyCuckoo · 28/08/2023 09:35

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:23

why?

Show quote history

Are you a childminder?

No childminder is going to give up a full day space for an hour or two smack bang in the middle of the day!

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 09:35

Yes agree with the formal working request. Once they realise that she can't actually work those hours, or at least not 5 days a week, her employers may be prepared to be more flexible.

Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:36

no union

yes i believe she knew they denied it before baby was here but was looking for ways to appeal especially as she was the first person that has been denied it when previous women did get the 8:30-5 pattern agreed? dont think it got anywhere though but dont really know the ins and outs of it but she has told me she has been desperately trying to find a solution for months but i do think it has been a bit brushed aside as she has been caring for dgs

OP posts:
Spottytoddler · 28/08/2023 09:36

I agree this could only work if it is temporary while she looks for a new job.

If you do it in the short term then I would try to get DD and DGS to stay over maybe 3 times a week. On those days, she can get up and get ready and get to work without waking any of you (including baby). You can then just get baby up and drop him to nursery at your leisure - she may be paying for the half day 7-12 but that doesn’t mean you have to drop him off bang on 7am if it’s not convenient for you. This way you would be doing the morning drop offs but not being woken up at 5.30am every day.

Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:36

they definitely never explained in writing, she had a verbal meeting with her manager, i know that for certain

OP posts:
BCBird · 28/08/2023 09:37

It is unreasonable to expect you to do this. The times are unsociable. It will be exhausting for u. She will have to make alternative arrangements.