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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
MaPaSpa · 28/08/2023 10:00

She’s needs to get the refusal in writing firstly

and maybe staying with you is the best way so you and baby don’t have to get up, plus paying for an extra hour at nursery if possible so she is doing some of the pick ups.

if the lab runs on split shifts their refusal is very shit and she needs to push back on that.

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 10:00

It's amazing how much ingrained ageism there is on Mumsnet.

OP literally states in her title that she doesn't want to take DGC to nursery every day, but some posters come up with suggestions that have her doing exactly that.

She also says she doesn't want her adult DD and DGC to move in. Again suggestions that she does exactly that.

OP was not consulted before the conception, or involved in the pregnancy choices, but yet is expected to carry the brunt of the child caring responsibility.

It doesn't sound like the DD has explored many options, other than speaking to her manager and asking OP to do it all.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't help in some capacity, but I hate this casual disregard for her boundaries and needs, because apparently a younger woman's wants to keep the same job supersedes these.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 10:01

If I were you I would give it a go until better arrangements could be made. It might be fine and the work place might be flexible after all.

Your daughter drops her baby to you five mornings per week very early and you take him to child care early but when it suits you, after you have breakfast when you normally would.
Give your daughter a key to your home and have a cot there.

Could he not then be in child care until your daughter picks him up most days but on one day you pick him up earlier (or not put him in child care at all)

mumofbun · 28/08/2023 10:01

Does she work 5 days a week? Could she request a drop in hours/days. I work 4 days so I only need childcare Mon-Thurs

I'm assuming it's a private nursery as he's only 7 months so could he go 2 or 3 full days rather than 5 half days and then you take him the other days? It would cost about the same for her. It doesn't help the drop off issue for the days he's in nursery though...

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 10:02

i got the impression that the op wanted the nursery hours longer so they werent tied to pick ups, not drop offs

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:02

I’d help my kids like you are being asked

But the request isn’t reasonable and the OP doesn’t want to!

Some of the replies telling her she’s great for helping her daughter work are insane-she doesn’t want to do this every day.

StrongandNorthern · 28/08/2023 10:03

You should post this on Gransnet as well.

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 10:03

Yes, that sounds like a more workable idea. That, or could she stay at OPs as a weekly commuter, rather than giving up her house. Staying from Sunday to Thursday night. That way she could leave a sleeping baby for OP to get up at a reasonable time. Then OP would not necessarily have to get the baby to nursery at 7 am either. Is it possible to pay for a nursery half day could run from 8 am to 1.30? That way the DD could pick up her DD herself.

deveronvalley · 28/08/2023 10:04

Your daughter sounds like a highly motivated person - she would be an asset to any employer. She needs to get a different job that fits in with her new priorities as a mum. 6am starts as a single parent is just not going to work long-term, sadly. Don't try and facilitate this - your daughter is trying her best but needs to be realistic and come up with a sustainable work plan.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:04

If I were you I would give it a go until better arrangements could be made. It might be fine

Yeah, OP-waking up at 4.30 every single day to do childcare and then working at the weekends MIGHT be fine, clearly you should just do it, despite not wanting to… 🙄

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 10:04

I think you are right to say no, this is just not sustainable for you.

Also, moving her in could also cause issues. Helping 1-2 days a week is generous and a better option.

Hbh17 · 28/08/2023 10:05

Just say "no" OP - this is an outrageous request! Frankly, your daughter should have thought properly about childcare before the baby was even born, rather than just assume the grandparents would rearrange their whole lives, free of charge.
The child's parents have to sort this out, and it's not up to you to do that.

Zanatdy · 28/08/2023 10:05

No childcare would do such an early start, hence she’s asking you. Can she not change hours?

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:06

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 10:00

It's amazing how much ingrained ageism there is on Mumsnet.

OP literally states in her title that she doesn't want to take DGC to nursery every day, but some posters come up with suggestions that have her doing exactly that.

She also says she doesn't want her adult DD and DGC to move in. Again suggestions that she does exactly that.

OP was not consulted before the conception, or involved in the pregnancy choices, but yet is expected to carry the brunt of the child caring responsibility.

It doesn't sound like the DD has explored many options, other than speaking to her manager and asking OP to do it all.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't help in some capacity, but I hate this casual disregard for her boundaries and needs, because apparently a younger woman's wants to keep the same job supersedes these.

Why don’t you include the dad in your rant? He also should be parenting but he’s not - unless it was a sperm donation or that he has passed away - the dad needs to step up to being a father. Nothing wrong with the grandparents helping with their grandchild imho

Oblomov23 · 28/08/2023 10:06

Just say No. And explain why. She's taking the piss. I'd be happy to do 2, possibly 3. No more.

Nottogetapenny · 28/08/2023 10:07

Not ideal, but if no other option, and you feel you need to help! Could you go to your daughter’s just to sleep a few nights.

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 10:07

If you are happy to do the drop offs between you and DH for now then she can extend the hours at nursery so you do not also have to do the pick ups.

Yes, she well could end up being charged for full days but something has to give somewhere doesn't it.

Yes the DD is already planning paying for a half day while working a full day(just the way her shift works) while mum picks up the slack (presumably for no charge)

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:08

Nothing wrong with the grandparents helping with their grandchild imho

Except when an elaborate plan is made around them waking up at 4.30 every single day to do childcare they don’t want to do…

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 10:09

@ButterCrackers agreed of course the F should be stepping up to parent his own child. But OP can hardly ask him to do it.

WantingToEducate · 28/08/2023 10:09

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 10:00

It's amazing how much ingrained ageism there is on Mumsnet.

OP literally states in her title that she doesn't want to take DGC to nursery every day, but some posters come up with suggestions that have her doing exactly that.

She also says she doesn't want her adult DD and DGC to move in. Again suggestions that she does exactly that.

OP was not consulted before the conception, or involved in the pregnancy choices, but yet is expected to carry the brunt of the child caring responsibility.

It doesn't sound like the DD has explored many options, other than speaking to her manager and asking OP to do it all.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't help in some capacity, but I hate this casual disregard for her boundaries and needs, because apparently a younger woman's wants to keep the same job supersedes these.

Very well said!!

When my sister had her children there was an expectation on my mum that she would help out with childcare and my mum felt too guilty to say no.

Ultimately my mum had to have the children from 7.30am - 5.30pm for two days a week, and then work her full time job too - which required her to do a lot of pleading with her employers to let her change her hours and my mum also had to give up one of her weekend days to enable her to get all her full time hours in.

I was absolutely horrified and I was so angry at my sister for putting our mum in that position without even seeming to care about the impact it was having on our mom.

Grandparents should not be expected to help out but the social expectation of it, alongside their guilt, usually means they do provide the childcare at the detriment to themselves and never to the detriment of the actual mother.

It’s so wrong.

Tohaveandtohold · 28/08/2023 10:10

I was going to suggest her using a childminder as that seems like the most flexible childcare she can get. nurseries can be rigid when it comes to their hours as most have morning, afternoon, full day hours and some have school hours as well but most don’t. With childminders, she can easily have one that’ll be 7-2 or 8-2 Mon to Fri so If op is helping, she does not need to leave the house early everyday for drop off and your daughter will do the pick up after work and that’ll cost her just similar to the nursery.
The other option is for her to look for a childminder that caters for shift and hospital workers, many of them start as early as 5.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:12

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:08

Nothing wrong with the grandparents helping with their grandchild imho

Except when an elaborate plan is made around them waking up at 4.30 every single day to do childcare they don’t want to do…

You’ve got the time wrong. It’s 5.30am not 4.30am. The grandparents can wake up at 5.20am. It’s only half an hour to nursery and then half an hour afterwards. The point I made was what happens when the dgs is sick or the nursery is closed? I’d be helping my kids out on that arrangement. It won’t be forever as hopefully the shift hours will change.

Puffypuffin · 28/08/2023 10:13

With her circumstances, I would do it, provided she commits to getting another job with more suitable hours. I would agree to do it until Christmas, for example, but no longer.

ilovesooty · 28/08/2023 10:13

ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:25

will definitely suggest the childminder suggestion then, that does sound better for more flexible hours.

she works in a chemistry lab

i think definitely better to help while she looks for new work, you are right! i will try speaking about that vs how we can find a solution to her current work.

i work on the weekend and one day a week as i work in healthcare, very flexible hours.

i think this idea has been thrown around for a month or so and obviously it should have all been considered way before this point and maybe i should have asked sooner but think she has just been pushing it under the carpet and focusing on the now which is obviously not helpful for anyone

I suspect she's been pushing it under the carpet to make it harder for you to say no.

MimiGC · 28/08/2023 10:14

She needs to change to the late shift if possible. And make sure that, unless he's dead and made no provision for his child in his will, the father pays child support money, which should help towards a childminder.