Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
Candleabra · 29/08/2023 21:41

So your daughter and grandson will be living with you 5 days a week?
It’s very kind of you to suggest this.
I hope it works out for you.

Lindyloomillion1 · 29/08/2023 21:44

I wouldn't do that. I am all for helping out our kids with childcare gaps and emergencies but a regular 5.30 start? No, that's an ask too much. Your daughter needs to find another job or some other solution that doesn't impact you and your husbands' lives so much

Original poster
ncgran · 29/08/2023 21:44

Candleabra · 29/08/2023 21:41

So your daughter and grandson will be living with you 5 days a week?
It’s very kind of you to suggest this.
I hope it works out for you.

no not really living, i think she will come around when it is his bedtime, so she finishes work at 1, there is lots of the day where she will be at her place and will simply put him to bed here and obviously sleep with him to get up with him and then go to work

OP posts:
Original poster
ncgran · 29/08/2023 21:46

what is funny is dh loves the idea of her staying those nights. he is an odd ball. he loves having a full house but from a distance, if that makes any sense? isnt a fan of helping out or being hands on, but likes the sound of a busy household just hoping he doesnt change his mind if baby wakes him when he has work, but luckily her old room isnt very close to ours

OP posts:
Candleabra · 29/08/2023 21:50

What time does your DD start work? Is nursery and work close to your house? Just wondering how the mornings will work out - I’m assuming you’ll need to get up with your grandson and sort him out then take him to nursery if your daughter can finish work at 1pm

Zerosleep · 29/08/2023 21:52

@ncgran you sound like a fabulous mum and remind me very much of how my mum was with me also. I think you have suggested a fabulous solution that works for all of you and your DD is very lucky to have such a lovely mum. Good luck to you all, it sounds like you are well on the way to a solution.

AllTheChaos · 29/08/2023 21:54

DD’s old nursery had a ‘school hours’ option, which suited parents who had another child who’d started school. 9am-3pm to fit around school run, and cheaper than a full day. Might also be a help, so you aren’t having to shape your whole day around nursery, as your daughter could do the collection?

T1Dmama · 29/08/2023 21:54

Not a chance! I wouldn’t spread my working hours out over a week, it means you have 5 early days, and no days off!
She needs to put her hours together so she’s only working a few long days and can put him in nursery those days. She needs to plan round childcare not expect everyone else to alter their lives

EinyLinky · 29/08/2023 21:57

T1Dmama · 29/08/2023 21:54

Not a chance! I wouldn’t spread my working hours out over a week, it means you have 5 early days, and no days off!
She needs to put her hours together so she’s only working a few long days and can put him in nursery those days. She needs to plan round childcare not expect everyone else to alter their lives

Tbf, why do you talk like that's an option and she chooses to spread her hours over 5 days? I have similar hours and wouldn't be allowed to change them in any way

Thisismynewname23 · 29/08/2023 22:16

I think you are doing everything you can to help which is amazing, she is very lucky… as for dad just saying he won’t be involved or help isn’t quite as easy as he thinks, she can apply for maintenance through cms which can be taken from his wages if he doesn’t play ball, while it isn’t ever a fortune it will help her and he should be responsible for his actions. Maybe the extra help could allow her to possibly reduce her hours at work so she starts later which may help you all until she can find another job, With regards to the employer they have to consider a reasonable request I went through this having been denied and I was given the work pattern I had asked for :-) they had previously given it to others which hugely helped, she should pursue this I took advice from a fiRm
of employment solicitors I’m not sure if I can mention them by name but I’m sure a formal request won’t be as easy to turn down, I hope things get easier for you all.

purplebluediscorain · 29/08/2023 22:25

I’m sorry but she needs to change her job or ask for flexible working. I had a full time job doing two 12 hour and 2 8 hour shifts earliest being 7am start. My childminder didn’t open till 07:30 so I requested to do 8am-4pm rather than 7am-3pm. I now do school hours term time only because I can and it suits. I know it shouldn’t be all about our kids but there’s no way I’m getting my baby up at 4am/5am and out of my house not a chance in hell. It’s wrong. Her hours need to change to compromise this. I do every drop off and every collection at 07:30/15:00-16:00. She should be able to find a way.

jannier · 29/08/2023 22:34

ncgran · 29/08/2023 21:37

thank you all very much for the comments, dd is going to see where she can get with work and keep applying for things and keep looking.

i have offered her the opportunity to stay here on work nights so me and dgs dont have to get up early and it means she doesnt have to go into a panic of dropping her very much hard earned career role for something on minimum wage in a call centre (she has been offered an interview for a role like this already) and i can assure you she is very keen to go for it and i am the one putting forward my help here. if i do this, i will drop dgs at nursery at a suitable time but she will pick up. there is a nursery joined to the local adult learning centre (it is only a short walk from my house so rather perfect) that offer to both their learners and the community and do hourly rates of £6 for under 2s. she has said they are open from 9am-3pm which seems quite great because i can drop him at 9am which is a good time and she can arrange the pick up. they have said they will be able to confirm availability next week after the new academic year starts? so that definitely isnt 100% but they seemed quite positive

just fingers crossed her work can accommodate her or at least a job that is somewhat suitable does come up but i am just praying for her work to be helpful

Don't forget she will get some help on the fees like tax free childcare saving 20% or lower incomes get other support through UC.

Gothambutnotahamster · 29/08/2023 22:39

So glad you've found a 'semi-way forward' & she's not alone in this.

DVL · 29/08/2023 22:50

She’s taking the p*

I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old, would love help but don’t get it nor would I expect it.

My daughters old nursery were very flexible with hours I could tell them when I needed her in and they would just charge me for that (notice needed because of staffing). She’s now in a school nursery so not flexible at all, but she should definitely check with other nurseries if the one she is looking at isn’t flexible.

Thats a lot of work/a big commitment for you, and I say that as a burnt out mom with next to no help from family.

Hankunamatata · 29/08/2023 22:55

She might be better retraining as biomedical scientist or clinical scientist in the NHS. Career progression and better increasing pay

SPLIFFSFOREVER · 30/08/2023 02:10

You'll be digging yourself into an early grave if you say yes out of misplaced loyalty or just feeling sorry for her..if you say yes especially when you hold down a job and you too have a house to run,you will end up exhausted and resentful..no im sorry but your daughter has to look for an alternative as its her problem not yours..still look after your gc like you are doing now but don't saddle yourself with this extra responsability..surely your daughter can see how unfair..downright cheeky..shes being..don't give in to tears tantrums or pressure or she really will treat you like a door mat for arrangements..

blahblah33 · 30/08/2023 06:01

I noticed up thread that you said your DD would lose £800 of her spare money to childcare costs. Has she factored in that UC will likely contribute up to 85% of her childcare costs? It’s just something to consider as with that extra support she may well be able to afford to keep him in nursery longer then you only need to do the drop off?

Either way you sound like a wonderful person and very supportive. I was a single mum at 20 and it is not as easy as some posters are saying change job, change nursery etc.

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 07:23

OP

Your age and work situation enables you to help your daughter and granchild.

so please offer the help and support she needs

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/08/2023 08:36

SPLIFFSFOREVER · 30/08/2023 02:10

You'll be digging yourself into an early grave if you say yes out of misplaced loyalty or just feeling sorry for her..if you say yes especially when you hold down a job and you too have a house to run,you will end up exhausted and resentful..no im sorry but your daughter has to look for an alternative as its her problem not yours..still look after your gc like you are doing now but don't saddle yourself with this extra responsability..surely your daughter can see how unfair..downright cheeky..shes being..don't give in to tears tantrums or pressure or she really will treat you like a door mat for arrangements..

@SPLIFFSFOREVER

some people on here think OP SHOULD run herself into an early grave and do it with a smile on her face for the sake of her daughter and grandchild.
op as a Middle Aged woman seemingly does not matter.

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2023 08:59

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 07:23

OP

Your age and work situation enables you to help your daughter and granchild.

so please offer the help and support she needs

Yes totally upend your life and arrange your life wholly around your DD and GS. Hmm

SillyShoes · 30/08/2023 09:07

Good luck to both of you. It sounds to me as if your daughter is in a really difficult position, and you are both trying to find the best solution possible. I really hope it works out for you all.

WantingToEducate · 30/08/2023 09:15

I don’t think it would be so bad if it was the drop off, even though the 5.30am get-ups still aren’t good, but at least then you’d have the rest of the day to do as you please!

Whereas this current set up means by the time you get back from the drop-off you’ve probably only got 4 hours until you have to go out and collect him and then provide childcare for another two hours.

And there has been talk of you not taking him for 7am and instead taking him later so it’s a more relaxed morning for you, but then there’s even less time before you have to back go out and collect him again. You may as well just keep him with you for the day rather than all the to’ing and fro’ing you’ll otherwise be doing.

I’ve also seen someone suggest you spend the night at your daughters house the night before you need to do the childcare….but who on earth thinks OP would want to be away from her husband 5 nights a week?!

It’s just so much of your time to give up and to be expected to do all this care for 5 days a week is mind boggling. When will you have time for yourself? When do you get to live your life in the way you want to?

And to then have to go out to work at the weekend?

It’s madness.

I imagine if you go ahead with this it will be for a minimum of 3 months and that’s even if she finds a new job straight away, which is unlikely.

You need to really think about what you are committing yourself to here. You are literally giving up all of your time.

Your daughter should have sorted this out a long time ago and she is being incredibly unfair to just dump it on you.

Nottogetapenny · 30/08/2023 12:52

You sound lovely! I would do the same, for my daughters and grandchildren. Hopefully it will work out fine and your DD can keep her job and her work will sort something out.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 30/08/2023 19:00

If you want to extend or change your grandsons nursery hours ,his mother would have to speak to the head of nursery/Centre. Its likely she will have to wait for additional hours. During my time as Nursery Head and Depute. All extra hours were allocated so, it wasn't as easy as adding on hours. Other children had already been allocated these other hours. Also, legal ratios have to be adhered to. Only so many children to one group/ member of staff. Otherwise the nursery would be breaking the law and would almost certainly fall foul of the Inspectorate and Care Commission.