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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
Coolblur · 28/08/2023 09:13

A childminder would be a better option as they tend to charge an hourly rate, she may not find one who would start that early though. Mine would accommodate 6am drop offs as she was an early riser so it is possible. Childminders would almost certainly do until 1.30pm without charging for a full day though.
She should contact a few childminders to find out how early they could start and what their rates are and take it from there. Maybe she could see about adjusting her work hours a bit under a flexible working request to something that works better for childcare.
If you don't want to do it say no now, or stipulate what you are prepared to do, or this will be how it is for you until the child is at secondary school.

User5653218 · 28/08/2023 09:14

Sounds like it's the mornings that will be tricky. Surely she can't mean to get a baby up at 4.30am every morning and drive him to you're for 5am so she's in work for 6? That's not sustainable at all.
I don't see how she can make this work unless it's very short term only, or they move in with you and you look after dgs every morning until nursery opens.

As for nursery, our times were 7.30 till 1 then 1 till 6 or something like that. So if you went past 1pm you were charged for the full afternoon session because they couldn't have another child in for that session.

I feel for your dd, it's a tough situation

Sleepepeeepe · 28/08/2023 09:14

I feel sorry for her - I guess it depends how much of a morning person you are. I would find daily 5am childcare absolutely exhausting, but then I find 5am a bit like the middle of the night! (Even though I wake up at 7:30.) But it sounds like she doesn’t have much choice.

I don’t know op. I reckon she needs you here. But perhaps agree to temporarily while she hunts for another job?

Candleabra · 28/08/2023 09:14

1 or 2 days a week I might agree to, but not 5 on a permanent basis. It’ll be exhausting for everyone.

jannier · 28/08/2023 09:15

Maybe suggest she looks at childminders instead many charge for hours used not full sessions. They work to the same standards as nursery

KateyCuckoo · 28/08/2023 09:15

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:02

no but she could find a childminder for after nursery?

I don't know any childminder that would do 12-1.30pm! Blocks a whole day for very little money and involves lunch and nap time disruption.

PuttingDownRoots · 28/08/2023 09:16

Offer to have her stay over a few nights a week while she looks for a job with better hours?

gogomoto · 28/08/2023 09:16

Unfortunately those hours aren't really compatible with being a single mum. Could you help her out for a few weeks whilst she then searches for more family friendly hours, at least ones where she can do the nursery drop and you cover afternoon if needed. It's very tough on shifts if you have children

Seashellies · 28/08/2023 09:17

I'd say no, it's a huge commitment and it sounds like it's not going to be easy to manage. Far better to say no now than say yes and hope it works out magically. It sounds like it might be worth her looking for childminders in the area if her hours don't align with the nursery sessions, they're often a bit more flexible.

jannier · 28/08/2023 09:17

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:02

no but she could find a childminder for after nursery?

Not likely to find one willing to give up a space for an hour a day. That's like asking Sainsbury's to do your Tesco delivery because you like their bread better.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 09:18

She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon.

When is ‘soon’? The child is 7 months’ When exactly did she ask if you’d do this ridiculous plan?

drinkuptheezider · 28/08/2023 09:19

I'm a grandmother, sorry, but I would have laughed and asked when does her new job start?

She needs a new job.

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 09:19

When you say she goes back soon, how soon do you mean ?

She needs to start applying for other roles now before she goes back when she has time to go for interviews. I'd be focusing on helping her with that, rather than making this impossible situation workable.

Once she is back at work she is going to be exhausted and with you picking up most of the heavy lifting, not particularly incentivised to job search. Now is the time to do it.

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:20

jannier · 28/08/2023 09:17

Not likely to find one willing to give up a space for an hour a day. That's like asking Sainsbury's to do your Tesco delivery because you like their bread better.

it might not be for an hour though, could be longer if easier

Gnomegnomegnome · 28/08/2023 09:21

It’s great that you want to help her but it couldn’t work long term especially without your Dh on board.

What job does she do?

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:21

otherwise, ask her to ask the nursery if they would offer an extra hour but pay per hour.

Goldbar · 28/08/2023 09:22

Quitelikeit · 28/08/2023 09:03

Remember this is all temporary. I’d not be delighted about it but I’d probably do it on the proviso that she really makes the effort to get another job.

It would be v rare that childminders start at 6am.

Your idea of her moving in for a few months might be a better solution.

This. I might offer as a temporary solution, together with her moving back in (and presumably saving on rent?) for a few months. With the proviso that she needs to work towards finding another job asap.

Yes, she's the parent and it's for her to organise her working hours appropriately, but in reality you want her employed and earning so your grandchild can have a decent quality of life.

So the compromise would be you/your DH help with the drop-offs but they move to yours for a bit. So baby doesn't have to be gotten up and ready so early. It's better for her too since then she doesn't have to get him ready and drop off to you before work.

And then everyone moves towards finding a better, more long-term solution.

jannier · 28/08/2023 09:22

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:20

it might not be for an hour though, could be longer if easier

It would have to be instead of nursery not a collection from nursery as suggested

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 09:23

jannier · 28/08/2023 09:22

It would have to be instead of nursery not a collection from nursery as suggested

why?

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 28/08/2023 09:24

What does she do for her job?
I agree with others that this isn't sustainable at all, so better to find a new job with more family friendly hours from the start

SushiSuave · 28/08/2023 09:24

The3Ls · 28/08/2023 08:51

He definitely could stay longer but likely she d be paying double the cost for only an extra hour as she d have to pay for the full day

You are not being unreasonable but your daughter is managing tricky hours to fit with a nursery schedule. She might be better with a child minder as no nursery will open early enough

I think she would struggle to find a childminder open before 7 too.

I don't think YABU to say no. That is a huge ask and unfair of her to expect you to do. She needs to change her work hours/job. Otherwise she'll be needing you for the early morning until the child is at least at secondary school! If you agree now then there would be no need for her to change her hours at all.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 28/08/2023 09:24

She’s be better trying to find a nanny who would do the hours so she can leave baby sleeping and they’ll come to the house. It’s way too early to be waking a baby and to be expecting you to be available.

could you offer to have baby sleep at yours one night a week and you maybe at there’s one night?

has she put in a proper flexible working request? Tell her to reach out to pregnant & screwed for some advice. That working pattern is not sustainable with a baby as a single parent.

Riverlee · 28/08/2023 09:25

I think expecting you to get up at 5am is a tall order as well, unless you’re naturally rise at that time.

Also, how easy is it to change your working hours? She’s expecting you to change your hours, but not change hers. From September, the shop Christmas jobs start being advertised. Is it worth waiting for those?

ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:25

will definitely suggest the childminder suggestion then, that does sound better for more flexible hours.

she works in a chemistry lab

i think definitely better to help while she looks for new work, you are right! i will try speaking about that vs how we can find a solution to her current work.

i work on the weekend and one day a week as i work in healthcare, very flexible hours.

i think this idea has been thrown around for a month or so and obviously it should have all been considered way before this point and maybe i should have asked sooner but think she has just been pushing it under the carpet and focusing on the now which is obviously not helpful for anyone

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 28/08/2023 09:26

Obviously it's too much but given she's already asked her employers and they've said no, comments like 'she'll just have to change her shifts' aren't helpful.

I would do it but I would do it for a very short, defined, period of time. I wonder if she's made a formal request to her work or if it's just been a verbal no? If not, that's the first thing she has to do. She can do it before she goes back to work and they have to consider it and give reasons for refusal.

Next she has to look at their mat policies for coming back to work. Employers sometimes often a phased return which could give you a couple of months breathing space, ie she could phase back three days a week for the first couple of months which could mean she stays with you for half the week for a bit, which will mean everyone gets a bit more sleep! Or she will have accrued holidays during mat leave, people often then add those to the end of their leave but actually in this situation it would be better for her to take two days off per week for the first few weeks and do the above.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS she has to commit to finding a new job if none of the above works or if it's only a temporary fix. She'll know within a couple of weeks if this is going to work out longer term. So you need to be really clear that you aren't offering this over the longer term, it's too much for you, but you'll do 2 - 3 months, preferably part time, until she sorts another solution, whether that's better hours, different childcare or a new job.