to not take grandson to nursery every day

[ncgran]

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

@ncgran

I know I'm 'spending your money' but could you afford to help DD with difference between half days and full days, maybe split the difference? If that would be feasible, perhaps agree to that and doing the AM drop offs for a set period (6-9 mos?) whilst she looks for a new job, continues to try for better hours where she is, and/or for a childminder or nursery with better hours. Draw up a written agreement if you feel it would be better for both of you to make it more 'formal'.

At least that would get her back to work and give breathing room for her to make better arrangements.

I wouldn't be keen for 5:30 starts personally. I think your suggestion that she moves in (or stays over in the week) is reasonable. DGS can then sleep later and could do a nursery session that works for you (e.g. 9-1?).

I would like to think that if this was my daughter's only option then I would do everything I could to help her, on the condition that she was very seriously looking for more convenient employment.

I would do this for my DC. I was a single parent and life with a young child was so tough, I would want to help my DC as much as I could.

I did this for my DD and tbh if I was you, I'd do it to help her back into work after maternity leave. I'm also 55. I used to get up at 5 to get the bus to her's. I know many women who work opposite 12 hour shifts in care to their DD's to have their GC. If you don't want to fair enough. Just be clear and start to think about what you would do, in case she asks so she isn't given false promises.

I have also payed towards childcare, after-school clubs etc so I get extra time off.

I don't see why the daughter would make any effort to change jobs, or ask for the different shift, if her mother gives in now and agrees to have the baby from 5 am. This is the most profitable arrangement for the daughter so she wants to maintain that.

And that about dads helping their children?

You don’t seem to have mentioned much about what the woman’s father (baby’s grandad) should be doing to help out?

It’s all about what OP (the woman) should be expected to do…..

Most people aren’t dicks and if their Mum agreed to help them out while they find a new job then they’d look for a new job

Yep, many people aren’t dicks.

So far, though, the OP’s daughter has had the best part of a year to try to find alternative plans to her early working shifts and hasn’t, had months to ring the nursery and see if they could keep the son till she finished work at 1.30pm and hasn’t, time to ring around for child minders and see if that would be an option and hasn’t, had time to request maintenance from the father and hasn’t and has had time to apply for other jobs and hasn’t.

It’s not looking great so far.

No no no no no!
You wouldn't even be getting any quality time with your grandchild.

Sorry but it's madness. The pick up is do-able but the drop off isn't.

I was also a single parent with no family help and I get it, but this is madness. It's simply not possible to continue in some jobs when you have a child.

As I said I was a single parent through no real fault of my own so I understand but I had to accept that it changed what I was able to do.

And why does everyone keep referring to her as a “young and single mum”?

Shes 29/30 years old - that’s hardly a young mum is it?

She has also got a graduate degree in biochemistry and clearly has a very responsible job so I find it hard to believe that she hasn’t got her head screwed on enough to have sorted this out months ago!

She wouldn’t be the first lone parent to find early parenthood so overwhelming that she freezes and hides her head in the sand, and she certainly wouldn’t be the last. The request is unreasonable but that doesn’t make her a dick. Let’s not do that, please.

I think your offer for her to move in with you is a good one whilst she looks for another job. She could save on rent so wouldn't need to do that difficult shift.

I think it's great you are looking at solutions and not leaving her to sort it out herself.

You might not have realised but it can be difficult to just get another job. She’s a new single mum. That’s a lot to manage. She’s tried to get other hours but now it’s down to the line and she needs childcare. As it is as the grandmother doesn’t want to help she’ll most likely need to move away to find a better job. Probably better for the gran as she’ll not be needed at all for childcare and will only see her grandson on the holidays - depending on how far away they are. It’s who you can rely on in moments of need that matters. The gran here doesn’t want to help - it won’t be for years. She could put a boundary in it such as until Christmas. The consequences have to be faced such as not having her daughter and grandson nearby.

@ButterCrackers The consequences? You mean emotional blackmail.

I suggest you improve your reading ability.
She hasn't 'tried to get other hours' enough.
She's not approached HR or made a formal application. Or gathered evidence that her manager doesn't approve of working mothers, or 'threatened her' with the risks of becoming pregnant when she took the job.

How do you know the Gran would only see her grandson in 'the holidays'?

You are simply making all of this up as you go!

Moving away could be 25 miles and the OP could see the grandson every single week.

How do you come up with the idea of only till Christmas? is the D going to find a job by then? And if not, then what?

Do you think anything through before you post?

Luckily I take your comment about reading ability well because it’s totally out of order for people with dyslexia. I suggest you think things through before you post. I extrapolate the situation which is what people do when faced with a circumstance with caring outcomes. Perhaps you don’t think further than the moment but I, like most people, try to imagine the different outcomes.

Whether she thinks its pointless or not, she needs to submit a formal flexible working request. They'll have to formally respond & it will also give her future recourse should she want to challenge them.

Not a chance in hell would I get up at 5am and do this every day, that is a HUGE ask! It even affects your evenings as you would have to go to bed earlier. God no!

You need to gently explain how life works for mothers these days. You’ve done your time on the school runs. She was your child, this is hers, now it’s her turn. She needs to pay for childcare and juggle work hours until reception age and realise any help you give as a working woman yourself is a nice bonus.

I probably sound harsh but it makes me angry when women are seen as handy carers to utilise instead of people here to live our own lives.

This.

I’ve reported your comment about dyslexia. I’ve seen many people agree with similar statements. I’ve not seen anyone agree with your ideas.

I am sorry if I upset you but there is no way of knowing if anyone is dyslexic from their posts unless they say so right at the start @ButterCrackers and to be fair, your writing is excellent . It's just your take on the AIBU points that I didn't agree with.
FWIW I know many people including close friends who are dyslexic and so is my partner, as it happens.
I apologise if you felt upset.

(Edit used to remove a quote that was deleted)Despite this I accept your apology. It’s nice that you wrote that and it’s ok. I actually find spelling very difficult. I read in shapes so that’s ok - I have four languages and in two I can’t write. I have auto correct on but sometimes it doesn’t work and I have to go to google to see what that comes up with. For example further down in this thread I couldn’t write the word exaggerating so I found another expression. One reason that people with the type of dyslexia I have use a wide vocabulary is that they have to constantly think of how to write, not get the word and then have to use other words.

I’m a similar age to op. I do not cope with getting up before 7am, let alone 5.30am, and then looking after a young baby.