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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
Sleepepeeepe · 28/08/2023 21:40

ncgran · 28/08/2023 20:41

oh I do feel a little sad at the comments about my dd. I know I am biased but she is a great woman and mum and I do wonder if the people saying all what she should have done have been in her exact position 😓

I did bring up a lot of stuff mentioned here and she has said she is already in the process of sorting things and it was irresponsible to think it would end up all being ok and sort itself out so I think she has been kicked into mode to make some actual sensible plans now, she said she has now applied for any job that is within nursery hours, in our area but didn't want to say much in case nothing comes of them but will also do the written flexible request for her work and explain she will have to leave and then she said if she can get one of those other jobs, even if it isnt great she can be looking for something better pay/in her field but with little stress as she will have a job that does fit nursery hours. she said her ideal would definitely be to have him in nursery and only need me to help out on days he is unwell or in emergencies as she also doesnt like the idea of being so reliant anyway (she has always been very independent) so fingers crossed all can move forward and go well

I don’t understand the negative comments. It’s very easy for posters to say what people “should” have done, but I’m sure their lives aren’t perfect.

Your dd does come across as a good person trying her best. I commented upthread that I feel sorry for her, and I think you should help - even if temporarily - if you can.

But another poster’s idea of a nanny is a good one.

Or what about a live in Au Pair? Does she have space for that? All she’d need is a spare room.

If not, could you help her financially with a nanny? Be in your interest too as no early mornings!

You sound like a good mum, and so does your DD.

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 21:45

I don't know much about au pairs, but I'm pretty sure they aren't expected to have solo care of babies for protracted periods.

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/08/2023 21:49

Theyre not @rookiemere but for £100 per week, they could do the nursery drop off & pick up & also the washing / ironing for the baby.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/08/2023 22:00

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 21:45

I don't know much about au pairs, but I'm pretty sure they aren't expected to have solo care of babies for protracted periods.

They're not.

They keep coming up as a suggestion even though it's been pointed out multiple times through the thread.

They're also incredibly difficult to organise since Brexit.

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 22:05

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/08/2023 21:49

Theyre not @rookiemere but for £100 per week, they could do the nursery drop off & pick up & also the washing / ironing for the baby.

Its not just nursery drop off though is it ? It would be sole care of baby for 2-3 hrs and responsibility for getting them up, dressed, fed and taken to nursery.
I'm fairly relaxed on the old parenting front, but I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with an inexperienced au pair taking on that responsibility.

lycheejelly · 28/08/2023 22:15

Apologies if this has already been suggested, but has your DD considered an au pair?

7eleven · 28/08/2023 22:32

@ncgran positive update. I’m sure it will work itself out.

jannier · 28/08/2023 22:34

user86654111 · 28/08/2023 19:39

What do you expect your DD to do? It sounds like she's tried everything.

I would suggest helping her through this WHILE she looks for a better job.

She hasn't tried everything including looking at alternative types of care.

jannier · 28/08/2023 22:39

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 20:47

The OP is 55 years. I read that further down.
Obviously disability and age related health issues need to be considered but 55 years can still be in good mobility if health is good. Disability is something I’m mindful of. I assume that the OP is not physically or mentally disabled visibly or invisibly.
I had a travel cot to put my baby in when I got washed or went to the loo. I appreciate that I had the space to do this as I could see my child all the time. I assume that the gran has safety organised for her dgs. If not then safety would be better at a childminder. In my area you can find early start minders. The childminder one of my kids went to did this as well as emergency over nights and weekends. All in accordance with regulations. I appreciate that this is difficult in other places.

Show quote history

Arthritis and other conditions can start well before 55 and menopause can result in extreme fatigue amongst other things....I presume you were not a 55 year old mother when you were getting up for work at 5.20 and working 7 days a week whilst caring for your baby.

jannier · 28/08/2023 22:47

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 20:37

How so?
I get that you wouldn’t make the effort but I would. Short term to help.

Show quote history

It's not short term even if it's until Christmas I don't think you have any understanding of how exhausting things are as you get older go through menopause and age why expect a gran to work 7 days a week childcare is work on top of paid work.

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 23:15

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/08/2023 17:19

Whether she thinks its pointless or not, she needs to submit a formal flexible working request. They'll have to formally respond & it will also give her future recourse should she want to challenge them.

Absolutely, she must do this. All she seem to have done to date is have a chat with her immediate boss and been verbally told no. This was at least 7 months ago. She needs to follow up in writing without delay!

Notmytotoro · 28/08/2023 23:17

I would do it if any of my children were a single dad.
People who say your daughter needs to change jobs is not so easy.. why not to help her? You are her mum and grandma of your grandson.

I'm happy I'm Polish, my mum would never hesitate to look after my children not matter which time or how many days. You british have a weird family dynamics where you do t help each other..

MzHz · 28/08/2023 23:22

Notmytotoro · 28/08/2023 23:17

I would do it if any of my children were a single dad.
People who say your daughter needs to change jobs is not so easy.. why not to help her? You are her mum and grandma of your grandson.

I'm happy I'm Polish, my mum would never hesitate to look after my children not matter which time or how many days. You british have a weird family dynamics where you do t help each other..

My oh mother is polish. Talk about neglectful. You’re lucky you have a decent mother, got FA to do with nationality

MzHz · 28/08/2023 23:26

jannier · 28/08/2023 22:39

Arthritis and other conditions can start well before 55 and menopause can result in extreme fatigue amongst other things....I presume you were not a 55 year old mother when you were getting up for work at 5.20 and working 7 days a week whilst caring for your baby.

Show quote history

Jesus Christ! I’m 55 and in the best shape of my life!

why would anyone assume we’re all decrepit at 50? Ffs! Ageist much?

I would not get up at 5am to do childcare tho, that’s too much to ask of anyone. Op’s daughter needs to solve this problem and not just expect others to sort everything out for her.

Codlingmoths · 29/08/2023 00:22

The official request makes sure they aren’t treating her illegally op. It doesn’t sound clear they have grounds to refuse given the other examples, so list it all clearly and see if they come back with something that’s not legal. Make them sweat a little!

Cowlover89 · 29/08/2023 01:07

Yanbu x

CecilyP · 29/08/2023 08:26

user86654111 · 28/08/2023 19:39

What do you expect your DD to do? It sounds like she's tried everything.

I would suggest helping her through this WHILE she looks for a better job.

The impression, I got is that she hasn’t done much at all. Just had an informal talk about one particular shift pattern to an unsympathetic manager before her maternity leave. Hasn’t looked at different childcare options. Hasn’t applied to the CSA. Is just looking to mum to sort it out.

CecilyP · 29/08/2023 08:31

Your daughter is doing her best and really needs your support. Insist that you won't do it indefinitely and she needs to find another job. You sound lovely by the way!

I don’t really think the daughter is doing her best. However, OP does sound lovely!

Mummyof2Cubs · 29/08/2023 09:10

You are a fantastic mother and you remind me a lot of my own mum. Your daughter is struggling and needs you. Hopefully this situation will be temporary and I pray that DD finds other work.

I was in a similar situation but thankfully it worked out and I didn't need my parents support for too long.

CecilyP · 29/08/2023 11:15

oh I do feel a little sad at the comments about my dd. I know I am biased but she is a great woman and mum and I do wonder if the people saying all what she should have done have been in her exact position 😓

I am sure your DD is a lovely woman and hats off to her for doing these early shifts for so many years. I hope those of us who’ve been a little harsh have also given some useful suggestions! Think we’re just a bit frustrated that she’s left things to the 11th hour.

I hope she is successful with her formal request for a shift change. If not, moving down to a 4 day week Tuesday to Friday might be viable. Dropping off at yours Tuesday morning, then both staying over Tuesday to Thursday , so she still has 4 nights in her own home. Just because nursery opens at 7 doesn’t mean that’s when he has to start. If it’s 5 hours for a half day, this could change from 8 till 1. (I’m sure that’s what many mums who work part time would want.) Nurseries don’t usually publish this info on their websites, so would have to be phoned to find out more.

Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 13:33

ncgran · 28/08/2023 20:41

oh I do feel a little sad at the comments about my dd. I know I am biased but she is a great woman and mum and I do wonder if the people saying all what she should have done have been in her exact position 😓

I did bring up a lot of stuff mentioned here and she has said she is already in the process of sorting things and it was irresponsible to think it would end up all being ok and sort itself out so I think she has been kicked into mode to make some actual sensible plans now, she said she has now applied for any job that is within nursery hours, in our area but didn't want to say much in case nothing comes of them but will also do the written flexible request for her work and explain she will have to leave and then she said if she can get one of those other jobs, even if it isnt great she can be looking for something better pay/in her field but with little stress as she will have a job that does fit nursery hours. she said her ideal would definitely be to have him in nursery and only need me to help out on days he is unwell or in emergencies as she also doesnt like the idea of being so reliant anyway (she has always been very independent) so fingers crossed all can move forward and go well

Don't let it bother you, you know her and none of the people being judgemental/nasty do. I'm sure she is lovely and I'm sure you will do whatever you can to help her.

PeloMom · 29/08/2023 15:32

Would you be ok if she comes and puts her Dc to sleep at your place, this way both you and DC can sleep in a little? Or some nights you sleep at her place? It is a big ask either way but hopefully her situation improves sooner than later.

beyourownchampion · 29/08/2023 17:59

It’s a tough one, but I’d definitely not be able to commit to receiving a baby/toddler at 5 am !! Even if you do say yes, I think your daughter will start the arrangement then quickly realise it’s too hard to maintain, she will be worn out for a start… it’s likely with get ups in the night she will have minimum and broken sleep.

if you say yes then good luck ! She defo needs to look for a different job with ‘child friendly’ hours to accommodate her childcare.

CM1897 · 29/08/2023 18:11

It depends on her nursery opening times and what space they have. It may be that they close at that time or they don’t have enough afternoon spaces. My daughter’s nursery is only open 8:30am until 3:15pm as it is part of a school

RavenofEngland · 29/08/2023 18:31

Sorry if this has been asked but Does your dd have access to a union at her workplace? Can she get advice because her manager sounds like he is discriminating against her for being a mum. Or can she speak to citizens advice? She could also get advice about getting child maintenance