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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to shout from the rooftops PLEASE don't get pregnant..

274 replies

CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 07:28

....until you are absolutely sure that's what you want and you have thought about it and planned for it. By yourself is fine but difficult. If you're doing it with someone else, make sure he is on the same page and willing and ready and free and delighted to be a father. Contraception is incredibly reliable these days-USE it! Accidents happen occasionally, but that's what the MAP is for. If your life is very complicated or your relationship is new or fragile or volatile a baby will NOT help-I promise. It will make things worse, not better.
And breathe.....

OP posts:
Squirrelsnut · 28/08/2023 09:46

I agree too.

LittleBearPad · 28/08/2023 09:48

If there is a contraception failure then there is the MAP and abortion.

No woman has to have a baby they didn’t intend to have and don’t want to have.

Cue but… but…

But nothing. Women in the UK have the most options they have ever had to manage their fertility.

Hbh17 · 28/08/2023 09:52

CurlewKate · 28/08/2023 07:52

"But most women are capable of raising children on their own, and have done so throughout history."
A point covered in my post! I am not advocating for a Barrett home lifestyle. I am advocating for women making proper active choices about their fertility.

This is true. Some (not all) women seem to drift into having a baby because it's expected, or they are loved up or simply because "I want one". The default approach probably should be too assume there won't be any children, and then to really think and plan carefully before deciding to take the plunge. Perhaps inevitably (again, only for some) a combination of emotions and hormones seem to take over, ahead of careful consideration. Maybe that's the only reason that the human race has survived, but......

PrinnyPree · 28/08/2023 09:52

bellac11 · 28/08/2023 08:50

Yes exactly this, I forgot to add this to my post

Its not impossible to create a society, (we saw glimpses of this during the 50s/60s and again in the recent Labour government) where social housing and education is prioritised, we had a functioning NHS, we had children centres, libraries, after school wrap around support, early help/sure start interventions, more SEN schools, benefits were 'livable' to some degree

That is so far from what we have now to support children in deprived situations but that is what the 'great' british public have voted for

I think this government is a lost cause and they basically know they're on their last legs so will probably be enacting as many Rees Mogg disaster capitalism policies as possible before they get turfed out.

What any real feminist Mumsnetters job now is to make sure Labour know they haven't got our vote in the bag and if they want it they need to make sure they have a bloody robust manifesto of helping women and children including billions of funding into health, welfare, housing, education and other social services. Life in this country is good when there is hope for the most vulnerable, including women.

It was in large part due to access to free higher education and welfare services that I manage to now have the OPs idealistic middle class lifestyle, (education, career, marriage, house, kid in that order) even though I'm the product of a single parent (other parent had addiction and mh issues) working class background.

Also to the thread OP I know you probably mean well, its just shouting from the rooftops is just romantic Hollywood problem solving, at the end of the day it takes money and government policy to help tackle the problems you're referring to. Xx

Spacerace2 · 28/08/2023 09:53

I agree and I would also throw into the mix don’t get involved with a man with children unless you have thought long and hard about it. Some terrible stepparenting stories on here and they are becoming more frequent.

NCQ · 28/08/2023 09:54

LittleBearPad · 28/08/2023 09:48

If there is a contraception failure then there is the MAP and abortion.

No woman has to have a baby they didn’t intend to have and don’t want to have.

Cue but… but…

But nothing. Women in the UK have the most options they have ever had to manage their fertility.

I did. Coercive sex (police involved). Family didn't not believe in abortion (I was 15/16). I tried and was in a lot of trouble.

This is why you don't judge people.

And there are reasons why adults may not have the same options either.

The idea of judging people for having an unplanned pregnancy is beyond dumb. Not an abusive relationship, not a history of abusing drugs and alcohol. Nope, the fact that they didn't get pregnant the right way.

NCQ · 28/08/2023 09:54

Coercive is an understatement in my case, he was charged with rape.

WedRine · 28/08/2023 09:55

chopc · 28/08/2023 09:24

Shit happens yes. However OP's advise is valid for the majority. People's shouldn't bring other people into the world Willy nilly. They should be able to provide for the new person until the new person is independent and can manage alone. This may mean they are forever responsible and have to pay for the new person .......

Except life doesn't always work that easily. I had a very good life. A high-paying job, ExH had a excellent job. We were earning good enough money to buy a house in an affluent part of SW London and live very comfortably. ExH pulled his weight around the house, he was doting on me, we were together 12 years before getting married, living together for 8 of those, because I wanted to make sure he was the one, not rush into anything and focus on my career. Then we had a much-wanted child. Just like all the statistics, abuse starts after pregnancy. There were no red flags, to the point that even my own family didn't believe me at the time. I had to leave, but being on mat leave meant I suddenly required social housing and couldn't afford to raise my child on my own without support, at least not until we divorced. I was in an exceptionally lucky situation that I had funds, I owned a house and I had parents wealthy enough to help me with DD's costs. But even now, with a new job in a more affordable area of England, with my own home, it's far from the life financially i thought I'd be in. I can see how someone with a house with far less equity, or earning the national average, would struggle far far more to pay for their own child in my situation.

My sister had been with her husband for 4 years. 2 weeks after my nephew was born, her husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died 6 months later aged just 23. She couldn't afford the mortgage payments and childcare bill at the same time so she sold the house and moved back in with my parents.

There was a fundraiser at DD's school last year to help raise money for the family of a school mum. She'd been diagnosed with Alzeimers in her early 40s. Her child was in Year 5.

No one can predict financially what will happen. You have no idea how life will pan out or what shit you will face.

FiddleLeaf · 28/08/2023 10:01

Nah, if it had happened unplanned I would have found a way to make it work.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 28/08/2023 10:02

YANBU obviously but the people who need to hear this won’t listen.

My friends been with his gf for 8 weeks and she’s already trying to get pregnant.

I’ve been telling him not to be so stupid but he’s saying she can’t use any type of condoms and keeps forgetting to use the pill and if she gets pregnant he’ll stand by her.

I think he’s an absolute idiot but I think she’s worse and she’s the one who would be left holding the baby if he decides to leave (she already has 6 kids).

Jackienory · 28/08/2023 10:03

I absolutely agree OP. The point is having babies with a guy you know isn't on board is high risk, and I've seen it happen with my friends so often, " Oh, he'll feel differently when the baby is here, they all do ", only they all don't !.

Beezknees · 28/08/2023 10:03

KimberleyClark · 28/08/2023 09:39

Condoms are not 100%. And do you remember the thread about the woman who sabotaged her husband’s condoms? It’s astonishingly naive to think women never unilaterally decide to conceive without involving their partners in the decision. It happens.

No contraception is 100%, but anyone who doesn't want a baby needs to be responsible for their own contraception, including men. The trouble is they are lazy and assume the woman will always be the one responsible, then moan being "trapped". Nope. Provide your own condoms. I wouldn't ever rely on a partner to make sure I don't get pregnant, so the same should be expected the other way round.

Missingmyusername · 28/08/2023 10:04

I agree in principle- obviously shit happens. Affairs, job losses, death.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 28/08/2023 10:04

I also had an unplanned pregnancy as a teen and although she is the best thing to ever happen to me, it was extremely difficult and I missed out on a lot of things.
I would definitely be encouraging her not to do the same.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 28/08/2023 10:05

Beezknees · 28/08/2023 09:33

It takes 2 people to have sex without using contraception, there's no such thing as "trapping" someone with a baby. If a man doesn't want a baby he needs to wear a condom every time.

Yes of course. But it is the mother who is literally left holding the baby and so they have a lot more to lose. Even if the father is involved, the buck always stops with the mother. All the father needs to do is pay the token amount that the CMS (assuming he doesn't hide his income).

KimberleyClark · 28/08/2023 10:05

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 28/08/2023 10:02

YANBU obviously but the people who need to hear this won’t listen.

My friends been with his gf for 8 weeks and she’s already trying to get pregnant.

I’ve been telling him not to be so stupid but he’s saying she can’t use any type of condoms and keeps forgetting to use the pill and if she gets pregnant he’ll stand by her.

I think he’s an absolute idiot but I think she’s worse and she’s the one who would be left holding the baby if he decides to leave (she already has 6 kids).

She is being completely reckless and unfair on him, but he needs to seriously think about whether he should have sex with her at all.

Beezknees · 28/08/2023 10:07

IMustDoMoreExercise · 28/08/2023 10:05

Yes of course. But it is the mother who is literally left holding the baby and so they have a lot more to lose. Even if the father is involved, the buck always stops with the mother. All the father needs to do is pay the token amount that the CMS (assuming he doesn't hide his income).

Yes, and then the woman, who is raising the child, gets blamed instead of the man who is doing nothing. Attitudes need to change.

Beezknees · 28/08/2023 10:08

And those of us with sons need to bloody well raise them better.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 28/08/2023 10:09

Sorry but no - my "accident" to someone I'd only been with for 2 months was the best thing that ever happened to me. He is safe, loved and thriving. Probably more than some kids who on paper have the theoretical perfect family as per your first post.

UnRavellingFast · 28/08/2023 10:11

GreenWheat · 28/08/2023 07:41

I agree with you in theory OP, but then again I have had a fairly straightforward, uncomplex life. Not everyone is in that position and life isn't always that black and white.

It’s good to read your comment. Many people who have had a straightforward life do not understand how complicated life can become if your mind is fucked by circumstances beyond your control.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 28/08/2023 10:11

MintJulia · 28/08/2023 07:47

How is it your business? There are a lot of people who do not agree with you or are happy to find themselves pregnant.

I'd been told I couldn't conceive in my 30s. Was quietly enjoying a new relationship and in my mid 40s when I found myself pregnant. I was delighted. My ds is the best and most cherished part of my life. I am a grown woman and perfectly able to provide for myself and my child. My ds is a happy, secure teen, who sees his df most weeks.

Yes, there are people who probably shouldn't get pregnant for financial or emotional reasons. Yes there are plenty of men out there who are never going to be great (or even good) dads. But most women are capable of raising children on their own, and have done so throughout history. A Barratt home, a husband and a labrador (or cockerpoo these days) are not essential to giving a child a loving and secure upbringing.

It's everyone's business when it comes to advocating for voiceless children. Your example is totally off and not what the op was talking about. There are clearly many people who have babies when they are not in a position to give them adequate care and do not safeguard them from horrible people and living conditions.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 28/08/2023 10:13

Beezknees · 28/08/2023 10:07

Yes, and then the woman, who is raising the child, gets blamed instead of the man who is doing nothing. Attitudes need to change.

Yes and men need to pay a lot more towards their child than the ridiculous amounts the CMS amounts.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 28/08/2023 10:14

TheAOEAztec · 28/08/2023 07:53

Some people are taking it oddly personally.

It's a whole different matter if kids are born and then it goes sideways to actively planning child with useless/abusive/disinterested man.

Yanbu. Someone here once said something like if people put same amount of thinking into decision of having kids as people put into decision to not have them, everything would be much better.

Absolutely. People like to turn things around to support or defend the decisions they made. Completely different to what the op is saying.

Beezknees · 28/08/2023 10:16

IMustDoMoreExercise · 28/08/2023 10:13

Yes and men need to pay a lot more towards their child than the ridiculous amounts the CMS amounts.

Yes.

We as a society need to start shaming men who walk away from their children more. And prison if they don't contribute financially.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 28/08/2023 10:18

KimberleyClark · 28/08/2023 10:05

She is being completely reckless and unfair on him, but he needs to seriously think about whether he should have sex with her at all.

I agree.

I’ve told him she needs to get proper contraception before he has sex but she said she was on the pill and then got pregnant a couple of weeks ago and lost it.