To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

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OP a couple of thoughts, I wouldn't be considering ending your relationship right now. Life with an 18 month old who isn't sleeping brilliantly is really tough. I think you are hanging on to your toddler getting their own room as a big part of the solution to that (and it may well be) because you are desperate to get a better sleep routine going.

Throw in a house move and change of arrangements with stepchildren and it's quite a lot going on.

Re room sharing, I do think children change a lot in the next year or so at 9 for the reasons others have said. I have children this age and a little older and puberty kicked in around 10.

However why not do as others suggested and have a one year plan with toddler having their own room just for now ? The toddler sleeping well is in the whole family's interest.

And whilst I wouldn't do anything drastic relationship wise I would have a conversation saying to DH this is a big change to your life and you've got to be able to have opinions without him throwing up it is because they are step children. By doing that he is shutting you down and creating a division in the family that from what you say isn't there. I think you want the toddler to have a room for your own sanity/sleep?! Nothing to do with biological child/stepchild.

I know it's often suggested but a bunk bed in the middle with alternate side panels, even the canvas ones, and a slim desk/drawers each side would create some privacy.

I do see where you are coming from. This was not what was agreed when you moved and this situation of having the two older kids living full time has suddenly been landed on you. I do think there is a bigger problem in that your husband is so unsupportive and not doing his fair share. You sound like you do a lot and I understand your resentment

Most sensible post of the thread.

Exactly. That's a heroically terrible take from @TimetoPour

The OP states that he does virtually nothing with one of his children, which is deadbeat. As for 'taking on' his older two full time, funny how this never happened until he had another woman there to help, isn't it? The OP has literally said herself that she thinks he's taking advantage of her to get the extra help.

The girls should share.

Yet again a post where the consequences of having children with a man who already has children wasn't taken fully into account by the new partner... Every one of us who has a partner with existing children needs to mentally and practically be prepared to have them live with us full time.

Yes it happened to me, my dps dd lives with us full time, she's a young adult and this wasn't expected but her mum met a new man and she had nowhere else to go mid pandemic. It takes adjustment for sure but she is just as important as my dd (also lives with us, she is over 18 too).

If you don't want full time step kids who you treat equally as your own, avoid men with children!

If you click the link that says ‘legislation’ it says children under the age of 10 don’t count. So, basically the younger child doesn’t count until she is 10.

If this was my family I would definitely have the baby on her own until I had sorted her sleep schedule. And I'd sell it that way to the 6 year old. Something like 'hopefully by her next birthday we'll have her sleep sorted and you can share together'. It's something to look forward to. Having said that, if her sleep isn't sorted by 18 months, she may not be a great sleeper.

@Bigcat25

personally I don't think it is. I wouldn't put a 2 year old in with a 6 year old.

@newmom2022

How did you end up moving without discussing how the bedroom situation was going to work?

id keep DD in with us for another year, but make DSD aware that when DD is 3, they will be sharing the bigger room & DSS will have the smaller room.

Babies don't need a nursery, they really don't. She hasn't missed out. You have, it's normal to want to make a room lovely for your baby, but honestly it's for you, not them. But you got pregnant presumably knowing you couldn't afford a 4 bedroom house, so....I can't believe you think the older two should share whilst YOUR toddler has a room of her own.

keep her in your room for now & the girls can share when she's at least 3, if not older.

Sorry but a 6 &9 year old of opposite sex are too old to share.
If it’s as option I’d look at splitting one of the larger rooms so each child has their own room.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/

Also, from age 9, masturbation (healthy sexual behaviour from this age) and a need for privacy necessitate an individual bedroom for older children.

I can see why this is difficult for you OP, but DSS really does need his own bedroom.

This situation might ultimately be good for you op. It has exposed to you that your dh doesn't see your wants as equal: he also seems to think you and your baby come together, whilst his children are separate. It's clear he uses you for childcare. He doesn't do anything with the baby. It has also exposed from your side that whilst it seems you try to do your best for your step children, you don't consider them as your children. For example in this scenario if you have 3 children yourself who you loved equally of those ages and sex, no, the baby wouldn't be the one getting their own room.
I'd start doing the sums op, can you and your baby afford a 2 bed?

I think you’re being unreasonable here. If the 3 of them were yours, the girls would share.

It seems you want preferential treatment for your own child.

Ps my girls share despite dd2 being the worlds worst sleeper. The trick is to get a good routine, books at bedtime, read to the younger then the older a chapter of a book, then lights out - but mine had a bed by that age to rather than crying because they were trapped they could trot into our room if they woke (dd1 did it occasionally at 18 months, dd2 did it until 6 years old!)

I agree. It's maybe no bad thing that he's shown his hand so early. And really, it says a lot that OP had already been wondering even before this whether he was taking advantage of her so she could provide extra help with his older DC. One wonders if he'd be able to afford this three bed property without OPs contribution.

Here's hoping it's a rental rather than a joint purchase anyway, much easier to extricate oneself from.

I think the boy should have his own room. It is exhausting managing the sleep needs of a baby but in the long run a boy and a girl can not share a room indefinitely. Would it not be best for the two sisters to get used to sharing a room from now? It may be difficult to manage your little one transitioning to a new, shared room again later on.

Go back to work so you can afford a 4 bed house. Unfortunately, the boy is coming to an age where its undesirable for him to share with his sisters so I think your dh amd inlaws are right.

It says in the OP that she works. From home.

Because you're not the first person to have somehow acquired the idea that OP is a SAHP, she subsequently told us that she is in fact the higher earner.

The op does work. From home. She earns more than her fiancée (don't marry him op!!) . A cynic might say he saw her coming.

What will happen to your step children if you leave op?

The plan was the kids go to their mother, so are you saying he should refuse to have custody of his kids because the 18 mo can't share a bedroom?

Sorry op but if you want her to have her own room, you either get 4 bed, look at extending / converting or don't make house with a guy who's already got two kids.

You say at 16 and 19 you wouldn't expect them to share, so where you're line? He's a breath away from puberty. It isn't all about your child.

HOWEVER you need to deal with your relationship issues and if he's such a terrible parent and partner, consider whether you want to stay with him

Having read all your posts, I think you say I understand the logic behind having the girls share, but it’s not considering one very major fact- we can’t get dd to sleep with her big sister there. So you are telling me I am never going to get an evening for the next year and it’s a done deal. I do not accept that. That changes the argument completely- there are two options here. Dd gets her own room so I can get her to bed. Or you step up starting today and get her to bed in a caring loving way and you can be point on bedtimes for the next year. if you are shouting the deal is off. so currently I am continuing to plan for her having her own room, you prove to me you can take over by doing all the bedtimes. If no one else in my relationship is considering me then I have to.

(And if he can’t do this then I think the writing is on the wall- as you have already noticed you compromise a lot and him not at all)

Haven’t read the responses . I would start off fresh just you and the baby. You’ve got to put your baby first . The men in this situation usually put their ( first ) kids first .

Not worth it imho . Good you aren’t married too .

This. Then it would make sense for the two girls to have the larger room, the boy the smaller room with maybe a high bed for more floor space.
What happens if you have another child?

You're not unreasonable to want your 18 month old to have her own room.
But in a 3 bedroom house you're unreasonable to expect it or think it's the most suitable arrangement.
It isn't - it's much more sensible for the girls to share, regardless of age.

I think the older boy and girl cannot share.
But it is not really for you or your baby to bear the brunt of that. It's for their father (or mother) to arrange their lives appropriately so that their children are sorted. Unfortunately that ship seems to have sailed and you have made yourself responsible by entering into the current relationship, so I think you will have to concede to their wishes for now, but eventually leave the relationship and/or rethink how providing responsibilities are shared between you and your partner. You need a bigger house if they are all to have their own rooms.