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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/08/2023 21:58

No. It's actually none of her business who is paying. It's a holiday for their grandmother and her grandchildren. Will your kids be invited if SD goes away with her maternal grandmother. Its ridiculous and embarrassing she even asked.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:59

So @RoarRoarBoom after 8 pages of discussion... has your partner replied??

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:59

*replied to his ex

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:59

DarkDarkNight · 27/08/2023 21:50

I think it’s fine for you and your mum to take the Disney trip without your SD. Her father can take her separately at another time, I’m sure you’ll have no complaints about your kids missing out as they’ll already have been.

If my partner decides he wants to go to Disney then he can go and take all his kids.

Just like I’m taking all my kids.

That would be fair. You never get bored of Disney! 🎢

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/08/2023 21:59

It's simple. DSD gets to go on the holidays that her dad goes on.
Her dad isn't going on this one. Neither is OP's dad. This is a trip that OP's mum wants to take her grandkids to. She barely knows DSD.

DSD is going to Greece with her mum next year. She is having a holiday abroad (and she'll go on OP and her DH's family holiday too). So when OP's kids talk about their trip with Grandma, OP and her DH simply say to DSD "aren't you lucky to be going to Greece with Mum? That will be lovely too"

Why does woman even want her daughter to go away with adults not related to her? Let alone expect them to pay for her.

And that.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:00

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:58

Or, like any other kid, she just wants to go on a trip (who wouldn't) rather than seeing this as some sort of rejection that will cause massive psychological trauma, and it's up to the adults to have some common sense and explain it.
Her Mum would've told her she's already going to Greece with her, she gets to spend some time bonding with her dad, OP's kids are going with their grandmother which she definitely knows isn't her grandmother too.

The adults are probably more responsible for this than the child themselves feeling anything actually.

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Tbh I don’t know that many kids who’d want to go on a trip with rando strangers even to Disney land. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to.
OP’s SDC wants to go because she considers her dads family her family too, as well she should.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 22:00

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:59

If my partner decides he wants to go to Disney then he can go and take all his kids.

Just like I’m taking all my kids.

That would be fair. You never get bored of Disney! 🎢

Show quote history

Because it would be awful if your kids felt left out.....

michalwave · 27/08/2023 22:00

It’s also awkward to be on a trip where you’re not 100% wanted.

Me and my brother (7yo and 9yo) were once taken on a day out by a distant relative, but it was made abundantly clear to me and bro by their spouse and older kids that we weren’t wanted.

My sibling and I were spare parts and couldn’t wait to get home.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/08/2023 22:03

DarkDarkNight · 27/08/2023 21:50

I think it’s fine for you and your mum to take the Disney trip without your SD. Her father can take her separately at another time, I’m sure you’ll have no complaints about your kids missing out as they’ll already have been.

Thats different though. All children have the same dad. They have a different mother abd a different set of maternal grandparents

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:03

Olive19741205 · 27/08/2023 21:57

Fucking hell. 😮

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That was my thoughts too.

I also wouldn’t consider Disneyland Paris flashy.

2 weeks in Thailand I would call flashy.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:04

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 22:00

Because it would be awful if your kids felt left out.....

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From a trip that their parent is going on yes.

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:05

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:03

That was my thoughts too.

I also wouldn’t consider Disneyland Paris flashy.

2 weeks in Thailand I would call flashy.

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Beside the point but I’m quite sure Thailand is cheaper than Disney land Paris.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 22:05

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:00

Tbh I don’t know that many kids who’d want to go on a trip with rando strangers even to Disney land. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to.
OP’s SDC wants to go because she considers her dads family her family too, as well she should.

Show quote history

She may want to go, but kids want a lot of things. Doesn’t mean they’re going to get them, or that they should.

She’s presumably quite able to understand that she gets opportunities her sister doesn’t on account of them having different mothers, so she’ll be quite capable of understanding the same applies to her sister.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 22:05

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:04

From a trip that their parent is going on yes.

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After 10 plus years of knowing you does she not view you as some kind of parent figure?

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 22:05

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:00

Tbh I don’t know that many kids who’d want to go on a trip with rando strangers even to Disney land. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to.
OP’s SDC wants to go because she considers her dads family her family too, as well she should.

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Ah, but does she know who's going on the trip?
Did OP expressly say 'ITS ME MY KIDS AND MUM ON THIS TRIP'?
For all DSD knows it's everyone except her, which would be totally unfair.
But it's not.

StaunchMomma · 27/08/2023 22:05

You're allowed to have a holiday with your Mum & Kids, OP.

Just message her and tell her the trip is, as has been suggested, a treat from your Mum and that DP is neither going or paying.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 22:06

How long has DSD been in your life? How much time does she spend with you?

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:07

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:59

So @RoarRoarBoom after 8 pages of discussion... has your partner replied??

Not yet. He won’t reply back til the morning now as it’s late and he starts work early so he’s gone to bed.

OP posts:
FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 22:07

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:05

Beside the point but I’m quite sure Thailand is cheaper than Disney land Paris.

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No. The flights alone per person would be close to an entire Disneyland Paris trip.
I'm not sure whether you've actually been but in off season it's actually quite cheap. You get all-inclusive deals with a ticket for most rides, accommodation and meals.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:08

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 22:05

She may want to go, but kids want a lot of things. Doesn’t mean they’re going to get them, or that they should.

She’s presumably quite able to understand that she gets opportunities her sister doesn’t on account of them having different mothers, so she’ll be quite capable of understanding the same applies to her sister.

Edited
Show quote history

but it’s not about “opportunities” or “fairness” or “tit for tat”.
It’s about feeling wanted, included and part of a family.
every child of course understands that they have different experiences and opportunities to the other kids they know. The dynamics in a blended family are much much more sensitive and complex than that. It worries me so much that so many people seem to blend families without being sensitive to that, and considering the situation from the perspectives of the children.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:08

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:05

Beside the point but I’m quite sure Thailand is cheaper than Disney land Paris.

Show quote history

No it’s not. Not even close unless you stay at the marvel hotel but we are not although we are staying on site.

Iv looked at flights before for Thailand.

The flights for four cost more then the trip to Disneyland Paris (Disney hotel, flights and tickets).

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:10

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:08

No it’s not. Not even close unless you stay at the marvel hotel but we are not although we are staying on site.

Iv looked at flights before for Thailand.

The flights for four cost more then the trip to Disneyland Paris (Disney hotel, flights and tickets).

Edited
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I stand corrected then! I thought it was much more expensive than that. Maybe I should look into a trip ☺️ (had always assumed it was unaffordable)

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:11

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 22:05

Ah, but does she know who's going on the trip?
Did OP expressly say 'ITS ME MY KIDS AND MUM ON THIS TRIP'?
For all DSD knows it's everyone except her, which would be totally unfair.
But it's not.

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Yes, she knows it is my mum that’s going and not her dad.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 27/08/2023 22:11

mumyes · Today 21:46

op, I think the issue here is that you didn't think carefully enough about this at the start.

You should have considered that DSD might have felt left out right at the start.

If you & your mum wanted to take some of the kids away, then maybe you should have planned something less flashy that DSD might have been less bothered about.

It amazes me that people get themselves into these situations! FGS! If you choose to blend your family then you should be trying your best to do it as well as you can. And I'm sorry but I don't think you have here.

It's Disneyland Paris, FFS! Hardly the trip of a lifetime!

The kid's off the Greece with her Mum - should the OP's kids be forced onto that holiday, too?!

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 22:12

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:08

but it’s not about “opportunities” or “fairness” or “tit for tat”.
It’s about feeling wanted, included and part of a family.
every child of course understands that they have different experiences and opportunities to the other kids they know. The dynamics in a blended family are much much more sensitive and complex than that. It worries me so much that so many people seem to blend families without being sensitive to that, and considering the situation from the perspectives of the children.

Show quote history

No one is tit for tatting, OP merely booked a holiday with her mother and daughter. It wasn’t an action against her stepdaughter.

She is part of the family, but she isn’t OP’s daughter, or the grandchild of her mother. Treating her kindly doesn’t mean that OP has to take on the role of mother to her (she’s got one of those already), or include her in everything she does with her own children.

and she’s excluded in the same way that every family member of OP’s that isn’t her child or mother is.

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