Page 8 | To say no to DSDs mum

RoarRoarBoom · 2023-08-27T19:03:43+00:00

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half. My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father. We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too. If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids. AIBU to say not consider this at all

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:43

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:33

I feel for DSD who including in the blended family only when it suits. I would feel awful leaving a child out of this, particularly when you have know her for most of her life.

Analogies about DSD DM taking OP's kids away are quite frankly bonkers as she hasn't got any relationship to them. She also hasn't signed up to having a relationship with them. OP is DSD SM. She signed up for this when she got with her DP.

No, they’re not ridiculous at all. If it’s unfair for the stepchild to feel disadvantaged or left out in comparison to the OP’s DD, then the same applies in reverse. They’re sisters, after all, and apparently it’s wrong for one to get an opportunity the other doesn’t*.

*except not when it comes to the stepdaughter going to Greece, it seems.

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/08/2023 21:45

Mirabai · 27/08/2023 21:42

No but she’s related to all the kids. She’s their half sibling.

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Yes, so why isn't the mum offering to take her daughter's siblings away with her? I'd understand the difference if the dad was going too, but he isn't

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:45

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:41

OPs kids get to live with both their parents, in one home. DSD parents have split. And that's hard. DSD may also (wrongly it would seem) believe that she is just as important in her dad's home as her mum's. And now something really fun is happening at dad's and she doesn't get to do it. OPs kids don't miss out in the same way as they don't live with DSD mum.

OP can't make things absolutely equal for everyone, but she can defiantly make DSD feel equal and valued in her home.

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She's been included in everything her dad has been included in, as is right as he's her father too.
This is between OP and her mother, doesn't involve the dad and so doesn't involve her.
If she's talking about the really fun things that happen with her mum I don't see how OP's kids have zero opinion on that either. They don't 'live' with DSD Mum but they still have to hear about it.

mumyes · 27/08/2023 21:46

op, I think the issue here is that you didn't think carefully enough about this at the start.

You should have considered that DSD might have felt left out right at the start.

If you & your mum wanted to take some of the kids away, then maybe you should have planned something less flashy that DSD might have been less bothered about.

It amazes me that people get themselves into these situations! FGS! If you choose to blend your family then you should be trying your best to do it as well as you can. And I'm sorry but I don't think you have here.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:47

If I split up with my husband and he remarried, I cannot imagine demanding his new wife’s mother take my children with them to Disneyland. It’s just so insane.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:47

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:43

No, they’re not ridiculous at all. If it’s unfair for the stepchild to feel disadvantaged or left out in comparison to the OP’s DD, then the same applies in reverse. They’re sisters, after all, and apparently it’s wrong for one to get an opportunity the other doesn’t*.

*except not when it comes to the stepdaughter going to Greece, it seems.

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Yes, exactly.
Also I'm imagining how people are going to twist it if OP pops up and says well actually DSD gets to go on loads more stuff abroad with her mum, while her joint kids with DP don't.

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:47

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:33

DSD is already going abroad. To Greece, with her mum.

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again, the question was about dad, not mum.

btw i absolutely do not think op should be expected to take her sd on holiday without her husband at all. She is his daughter. What i am asking is whether the abroad holiday op is taking with her children is the abroad family holiday and the dc only gets included in a family holiday in this country. Or does her father take her on an equivalent holiday?

itsgettingweird · 27/08/2023 21:47

If you are paying half is that coming out of your separate finances or family income?

That would make a difference to me.

If coming out of family finances I'd offer to pay for DD to go with her mum and her mum pay her half.

If separate I'd just send the message re your mum treating.

But I'm another who hates it when step kids get left out of things their biological half siblings are doing. I think it's different when it's step mums children and dads children and no biological connection.

She may not be your DD. But she's your kids sister.

If she isn't a complete PITA and won't spoil it I'd take her tbh.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:48

mumyes · 27/08/2023 21:46

op, I think the issue here is that you didn't think carefully enough about this at the start.

You should have considered that DSD might have felt left out right at the start.

If you & your mum wanted to take some of the kids away, then maybe you should have planned something less flashy that DSD might have been less bothered about.

It amazes me that people get themselves into these situations! FGS! If you choose to blend your family then you should be trying your best to do it as well as you can. And I'm sorry but I don't think you have here.

'Flashy'?
It's Disneyland not Las Vegas.
Which incidentally is cheaper than Greece...
They can't have their lives dictated by what someone else may or may not care about especially as her own mum can take her

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:48

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:47

If I split up with my husband and he remarried, I cannot imagine demanding his new wife’s mother take my children with them to Disneyland. It’s just so insane.

They're not even married....

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2023 21:48

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:27

So the SC's Mum will be expected to include her exes kids with his new partner in every family holidays she goes on? If not why not? It's no different

it’s completely different 🙄

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Why ? The justification on here is that the OPs children are DSDs half siblings. His ex may not be their stepmum but it doesn’t make her DD any less their half sibling. It’s no different from that perspective.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:49

mumyes · 27/08/2023 21:46

op, I think the issue here is that you didn't think carefully enough about this at the start.

You should have considered that DSD might have felt left out right at the start.

If you & your mum wanted to take some of the kids away, then maybe you should have planned something less flashy that DSD might have been less bothered about.

It amazes me that people get themselves into these situations! FGS! If you choose to blend your family then you should be trying your best to do it as well as you can. And I'm sorry but I don't think you have here.

Op has given it exactly the amount of thought she needed to. She’s taking her kids on holiday with her mother.

it’s just as well she doesn’t require your approval then, isn’t it?

MeetMyCat · 27/08/2023 21:50

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/08/2023 21:31

So DSD mum needs to be asked if OP’s kids can join her in Greece, right? Surely that’s only fair…

Blended families are hard, but not everything has to include everyone.

This

DarkDarkNight · 27/08/2023 21:50

I think it’s fine for you and your mum to take the Disney trip without your SD. Her father can take her separately at another time, I’m sure you’ll have no complaints about your kids missing out as they’ll already have been.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:50

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:48

They're not even married....

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😂

Why does woman even want her daughter to go away with adults not related to her? Let alone expect them to pay for her.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:52

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:47

again, the question was about dad, not mum.

btw i absolutely do not think op should be expected to take her sd on holiday without her husband at all. She is his daughter. What i am asking is whether the abroad holiday op is taking with her children is the abroad family holiday and the dc only gets included in a family holiday in this country. Or does her father take her on an equivalent holiday?

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Why are you assuming that everyone goes on holiday abroad? 'The' abroad family holiday?
FWIW I asked the same question too, but phrased differently. I asked how much do OP's kids get to go on holiday, here and abroad, compared to DSD.

Of course this is a question for OP to answer but for all your know they may not even do 'abroad' holidays as a family while it's the norm for DSD to go with her mum. Which actually, since people seem to consider those superior is another mark against the 'equality' argument.

BathingBeauty · 27/08/2023 21:52

Mirabai · 27/08/2023 21:42

No but she’s related to all the kids. She’s their half sibling.

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If that what counts then DSDs mum can take them to Greece with her then, you know, because they are half siblings.
If that’s the rules then it needs to apply both ways.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:53

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2023 21:48

Why ? The justification on here is that the OPs children are DSDs half siblings. His ex may not be their stepmum but it doesn’t make her DD any less their half sibling. It’s no different from that perspective.

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It is different. DSD may have assigned a lot of value to her relationship with OP and might not understand why OP wouldn't want her there when she gets to go on other holidays with her and lives in the same house. OP's children have no relationship to DSD mum. It would never occur to them that they should be included in those holidays and so they are not upset to be left out.

The issue isn't really what all the adults think is right, it's about a child feeling purposely excluded from a family she felt part of. Not taking her sends her a very clear message about how OP values her.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2023 21:54

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:47

again, the question was about dad, not mum.

btw i absolutely do not think op should be expected to take her sd on holiday without her husband at all. She is his daughter. What i am asking is whether the abroad holiday op is taking with her children is the abroad family holiday and the dc only gets included in a family holiday in this country. Or does her father take her on an equivalent holiday?

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Why would she need an equivalent holiday ? She’s going to Greece with her mum. In that scenario dsd would get two holidays abroad while OPs children only have one. Surely the equivalent holiday would be the OP’s kids going to Greece with their half sibling and her mum.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:54

BathingBeauty · 27/08/2023 21:52

If that what counts then DSDs mum can take them to Greece with her then, you know, because they are half siblings.
If that’s the rules then it needs to apply both ways.

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Precisely.

A lot of mums of children with stepmothers, on here…

Bubop · 27/08/2023 21:55

It seems really mean to exclude one child from such an exciting trip, but at least her dad isn’t going either.

Could he do something with just her so she doesn’t feel as left out?

Is your mum paying for the trip? If family money is being used to fund it then it seems especially unfair.

Olive19741205 · 27/08/2023 21:57

mumyes · 27/08/2023 21:46

op, I think the issue here is that you didn't think carefully enough about this at the start.

You should have considered that DSD might have felt left out right at the start.

If you & your mum wanted to take some of the kids away, then maybe you should have planned something less flashy that DSD might have been less bothered about.

It amazes me that people get themselves into these situations! FGS! If you choose to blend your family then you should be trying your best to do it as well as you can. And I'm sorry but I don't think you have here.

Fucking hell. 😮

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:57

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2023 21:48

Why ? The justification on here is that the OPs children are DSDs half siblings. His ex may not be their stepmum but it doesn’t make her DD any less their half sibling. It’s no different from that perspective.

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That’s not the justification.
the difference is that OP has blended her family with her husband’s family, which includes his child.

SDCs mother has not blended her family with OP’s kids. Presumably they have no relationship whatsoever and I imagine OP’s kids would not wish to join her for a holiday in the slightest , and would feel uncomfortable if asked to do so.

There is evidently no symmetry in the situation whatsoever and it’s entirely disingenuous to try and pretend there is.

DSC , on the other hand , clearly does feel part of her dad’s family to some extent and hence feels left out of this trip and has asked to go.

OP obviously anticipated this was how her SDc would feel as she admits to “changing the subject” as quickly as possible when her daughter brought it up.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:58

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:53

It is different. DSD may have assigned a lot of value to her relationship with OP and might not understand why OP wouldn't want her there when she gets to go on other holidays with her and lives in the same house. OP's children have no relationship to DSD mum. It would never occur to them that they should be included in those holidays and so they are not upset to be left out.

The issue isn't really what all the adults think is right, it's about a child feeling purposely excluded from a family she felt part of. Not taking her sends her a very clear message about how OP values her.

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Or, like any other kid, she just wants to go on a trip (who wouldn't) rather than seeing this as some sort of rejection that will cause massive psychological trauma, and it's up to the adults to have some common sense and explain it.
Her Mum would've told her she's already going to Greece with her, she gets to spend some time bonding with her dad, OP's kids are going with their grandmother which she definitely knows isn't her grandmother too.

The adults are probably more responsible for this than the child themselves feeling anything actually.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:58

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:53

It is different. DSD may have assigned a lot of value to her relationship with OP and might not understand why OP wouldn't want her there when she gets to go on other holidays with her and lives in the same house. OP's children have no relationship to DSD mum. It would never occur to them that they should be included in those holidays and so they are not upset to be left out.

The issue isn't really what all the adults think is right, it's about a child feeling purposely excluded from a family she felt part of. Not taking her sends her a very clear message about how OP values her.

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Exactly