Page 10 | To say no to DSDs mum

RoarRoarBoom · 2023-08-27T19:03:43+00:00

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half. My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father. We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too. If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids. AIBU to say not consider this at all

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:12

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:08

but it’s not about “opportunities” or “fairness” or “tit for tat”.
It’s about feeling wanted, included and part of a family.
every child of course understands that they have different experiences and opportunities to the other kids they know. The dynamics in a blended family are much much more sensitive and complex than that. It worries me so much that so many people seem to blend families without being sensitive to that, and considering the situation from the perspectives of the children.

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I think if a child understands why she is going with her mum to Greece but her half-sibs can’t come then she will also understand why her half-sibs are going to Paris with their grandma but dsd can’t come.

The two are the same sides of the same coin.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 22:12

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:11

Yes, she knows it is my mum that’s going and not her dad.

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Well then it's up to her mum and dad (your DP) to explain....

JudgeRudy · 27/08/2023 22:13

I don't think this is about whether she's paying or not. If this was a family trip for you and your husband I can see that she might ask for her kids father to include her, but it's nothing to do with your OH. Your mum and you are entitled to have alone time without your own children. This is your mums treat.
BTW, when was the last time his ex took your child somewhere, let alone on holiday with her mum.
You don't need to get involved. Let your husband deal with this. It's possible too that she doesn't even know her ex isn't going.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:13

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:12

I think if a child understands why she is going with her mum to Greece but her half-sibs can’t come then she will also understand why her half-sibs are going to Paris with their grandma but dsd can’t come.

The two are the same sides of the same coin.

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It’s not the same!!!!

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 22:14

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:12

I think if a child understands why she is going with her mum to Greece but her half-sibs can’t come then she will also understand why her half-sibs are going to Paris with their grandma but dsd can’t come.

The two are the same sides of the same coin.

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Exactly

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:14

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:10

I stand corrected then! I thought it was much more expensive than that. Maybe I should look into a trip ☺️ (had always assumed it was unaffordable)

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No, you can do it fairly cheap going off peak season!

I also managed to get a good price by the looks of it… . After I started this thread Iv looked up my exact dates and to book the same package its now £485 more then when I booked it a few months ago! And that’s just for the Disney hotel and tickets. I’m a bit shocked myself.

OP posts:

Blankscreen · 27/08/2023 22:17

dsd's mum and maternal grandma can take her to Disneyland Paris. Your kids won't go to that so then it's 'fair'.

Absolutely ridiculous that the mother even asked.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:18

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:13

It’s not the same!!!!

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Why, because a step-mum and step-grand mother aren’t being made to worship at the altar of the OG child?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 27/08/2023 22:19

Depending on how shirty she gets start off with lime cheesecakes response, if gets shirty end with saying you'll take her daughter on your disney trip when she takes your kids on her greece holiday. What is she going to say? I'm not their parent? No parent of dsd is going on that trip either.

SamW98 · 27/08/2023 22:20

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:14

DSD was talking about her holiday to Greece next year with her mum in front of my kids. I don’t think it’s fair to tell my kids that they can’t talk about their holidays but DSD can.

He’s fine for me to go on holiday with our kids and he thinks dsd mum is being cheeky even asking.

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I agree that’s she’s being a CF to ask. And why would she want her DD to go on holiday with adults she’s not related to anyway?

It’s your mum wanting time with you and her grandchildren. The ex has caused the drama here not you.

If your DP was going to it would be different but in the circumstances you’re doing nothing wrong

Inertia · 27/08/2023 22:22

Surely the mum can go to Disney instead of Greece- then all the children have been to Disney with their own mothers.

Scatterbrainbox · 27/08/2023 22:23

I've got 3 step kids I couldn't taking some but not all of them on such a big ticket event.
Can you imagine how did wil feel?
But then my parents wouldn't dream of organising something like that without discussing a way to include all the kids xx

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:23

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:18

Why, because a step-mum and step-grand mother aren’t being made to worship at the altar of the OG child?

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How churlish! And no, of course.

it’s not the same because OP has blended her family with her husband’s family. SDC obviously feels to some extent part of her dads family as well she should.

SDCs mother has not blended her family with OP’s kids. Presumably they have no relationship whatsoever and I imagine OP’s kids would not wish to join her for a holiday in the slightest , and would feel uncomfortable if asked to do so.

There is evidently no symmetry in the situation whatsoever and it’s entirely disingenuous to try and pretend there is.

Stillcantbebothered · 27/08/2023 22:24

Faz469 · 27/08/2023 20:06

Can you afford it? I wouldn't exclude my ss from something like that. But I also wouldn't go without my partner either.

There’s nothing wrong with going on a trip with your mother or your sister etc, you don’t have o go on every single trip with your husband.

ButterCrackers · 27/08/2023 22:25

If the mother is asking you can say yes if her daughters step siblings can go on the holiday to Greece She’ll quickly say no to that. You can then tell dsd you offered but she has to ask her mum for the explanation.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:28

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:14

DSD was talking about her holiday to Greece next year with her mum in front of my kids. I don’t think it’s fair to tell my kids that they can’t talk about their holidays but DSD can.

He’s fine for me to go on holiday with our kids and he thinks dsd mum is being cheeky even asking.

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I’m sure Tandora will be along to explain why it’s ok for OP’s kids to hear about a holiday they’re not invited on…

Stillcantbebothered · 27/08/2023 22:28

Hopinghonestly · 27/08/2023 20:19

But DH is all the childrens father? So essentially it is all siblings bar one?

I would consider it, if DH and mum would chip in tbf. I feel its too painful to exclude one sibling..she would feel like a mudblood compared to all the other children :(

I think its one of those grey area situations.

And that works be applicable if DH was paying and taking the kids with OP but not his other daughter, but he is not paying or organizing this trip. Also DSD will get trios with her mother that the other kids are not involved in or are you suggesting ex wife must also take the 2 kids to her vacations with DSD?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 22:29

You are perfectly entitled to take a trip with your own mother and your own children.
SD will get to go on trips with her own mother alone and with you, her dad and siblings at other times.
Life isn't always equal and your DSD mother is being cheeky to ask imo.

Batalax · 27/08/2023 22:29

I’d reply “yes that’s fine, me and my mum will take her to Disney with us, as long as you take my kids to Greece next year. Otherwise we’ll just stick to taking her when we go with her dad as we always do.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:30

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:28

I’m sure Tandora will be along to explain why it’s ok for OP’s kids to hear about a holiday they’re not invited on…

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I’m pretty sure I already did .

My kids hear about holidays they are not invited on all the time and are fine with it. nor would they want to go.

Dunnoburt · 27/08/2023 22:31

Of course yanbu......what would everyone say if your DM was the only one going with her grandchildren?........

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:32

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:23

How churlish! And no, of course.

it’s not the same because OP has blended her family with her husband’s family. SDC obviously feels to some extent part of her dads family as well she should.

SDCs mother has not blended her family with OP’s kids. Presumably they have no relationship whatsoever and I imagine OP’s kids would not wish to join her for a holiday in the slightest , and would feel uncomfortable if asked to do so.

There is evidently no symmetry in the situation whatsoever and it’s entirely disingenuous to try and pretend there is.

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OP has blended herself? Strange choice of words, like OP has imposed herself on them 😂

Yes, OP is in a blended family with DSD, but her mum isn’t.

Grandparents have rights too, and DGM is entitled to want to treat her own grandkids and be free to lavish love on them without worrying abut how this affects a child she sees once a month and has no bond with. They have very little relationship, same as OP’s kids and the ex. So there IS symmetry.

It would be different if DSD has no involved DGPs, then I would encourage OP to include DSD mor broadly.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:33

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:30

I’m pretty sure I already did .

My kids hear about holidays they are not invited on all the time and are fine with it. nor would they want to go.

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Then it’s also also fine for DSD to hear about this trip for her half-sibs with their grandma.

BathingBeauty · 27/08/2023 22:37

I absolutely think that step grand parents should be kind and acknowledge SGC and get them small gifts for Christmas/birthdays. I don’t think they have to accept them as full GC though.
I don’t think OPs mum should have her holiday plans changed in this way. SD needs to understand that’s not her GP, I assume she has 4 of her own.
I think the fact the ex at this point hasn’t mentioned paying means she’s a CF frankly, especially when she knows OPs mum is going.

Shelby2010 · 27/08/2023 22:38

I don’t understand why DH didn’t just offer to pay for DSD to go with you in the first place. How many DC are there & what are their ages?