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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 27/08/2023 21:30

I personally would take her. I know it's the norm on MN not to include your DSCs and be very dismissive of them and that's certainly reflected in the answers you have received. But she's part of your family - of at least she should be - and it would be nice for all the siblings to enjoy Disney together.

I'm not saying you should pay but unless she's very badly behaved or has some medical issues I don't think it's too much to ask.

Beetlebuggy · 27/08/2023 21:31

CornishGem1975 · 27/08/2023 21:26

It’s official. The Mumsnet band of mothers-of-kids-whose-dads-have-new-partners have gone totally mad.

@Hibiscrubbed Quite.

I have SC but my own DC also have a step-mum 😯 so I am on both sides of this. Hell would freeze over before I took my SC away without their dad, and neither would I expect my DC's step-mum to take my children away. Mumsnet is a bonkers place.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

I have no skin in this game. But looking in from the outside, some of these suggestions are batshit.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/08/2023 21:31

So DSD mum needs to be asked if OP’s kids can join her in Greece, right? Surely that’s only fair…

Blended families are hard, but not everything has to include everyone.

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:32

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:27

You asked where her dad took her this year……

Next years family holidays haven’t been planned yet.

Show quote history

No the capitals were OUR! OUR!

how did you expect me to write your kids other than your kids? Your covers both of you. Why scream OUR OUR!?

is there going to be a family holiday abroad including your sd? Or is that reserved for your dc?

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:32

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:29

I'm 44 and I'd even be gutted now if my parents took me to Cornwall but took my step brother to Disney 😂

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Ha ha Well technically my mum hasn’t offered my brother to come…

He asked why as well 😂

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 27/08/2023 21:32

Her dad isn't even going on the holiday so I don't think that it os reasonable that you and your mum should be expected to pay for and look after someone else's kid...

lala66 · 27/08/2023 21:33

Abit stunned DP thought the ex “was a cheeky cow” for asking. Thought he might have been more open to the idea, just so his eldest daughter didn’t feel left out. Which is essentially why the ex asked. With that attitude, I can see why this holiday dynamic is the way it is.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:33

I feel for DSD who including in the blended family only when it suits. I would feel awful leaving a child out of this, particularly when you have know her for most of her life.

Analogies about DSD DM taking OP's kids away are quite frankly bonkers as she hasn't got any relationship to them. She also hasn't signed up to having a relationship with them. OP is DSD SM. She signed up for this when she got with her DP.

Lollypop701 · 27/08/2023 21:33

@NotAMug dad isn’t taking kids. When he takes kids they all go.

Mum is taking her kids with maternal grandmother.

step child has her own holidays with her mum

it’s all fair

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:33

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:32

No the capitals were OUR! OUR!

how did you expect me to write your kids other than your kids? Your covers both of you. Why scream OUR OUR!?

is there going to be a family holiday abroad including your sd? Or is that reserved for your dc?

Show quote history

DSD is already going abroad. To Greece, with her mum.

scoobysnaxx · 27/08/2023 21:35

Rumplestrumpet · 27/08/2023 20:36

Posts like this make me really sad. There isn't an obvious answer, it's just a reminder of how difficult blended families can be.

I'd be hurt if my siblings got to go to Disneyland and I didn't - on top of the already unfair situation that they get to live full time happy families with both parents, while my family got split up by the divorce and I get moved from pillar to post

This isn't saying the OP is to blame here - but the Step daughter isn't to blame for her situation either.

In that context, I would try to go the extra mile for my step daughter and consider bringing her along. Because life has already been unfair for her.

Agreed. I always try to put myself in the kids shoes. Yes OP isn't obliged to do anything. But I'd always put the kids feelings first. Even just to ask. I'd expect the mum to offer to pay. But I'd always extend any invite to a step child personally.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:35

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:32

No the capitals were OUR! OUR!

how did you expect me to write your kids other than your kids? Your covers both of you. Why scream OUR OUR!?

is there going to be a family holiday abroad including your sd? Or is that reserved for your dc?

Show quote history

where is her dad taking her on holiday next year if you are taking your joint kids to disney

Simple.

I also already said a family holiday hasn’t been discussed for next year yet.

OP posts:
FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:35

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:33

I feel for DSD who including in the blended family only when it suits. I would feel awful leaving a child out of this, particularly when you have know her for most of her life.

Analogies about DSD DM taking OP's kids away are quite frankly bonkers as she hasn't got any relationship to them. She also hasn't signed up to having a relationship with them. OP is DSD SM. She signed up for this when she got with her DP.

The whole reason this started was because people were talking about 'inequality' and feeling left out. But as PP pointed out SC are always going to have things the OP DC doesn't have, via her mum. Why should it be equalised the other way?

DSD's Mum's taking her to Greece. OP's DC (yes I know they're joint op this is just easier) are going to Disneyland. That's one holiday each already. DSD should get another because....?

my82my · 27/08/2023 21:36

Just read your response where you said SD is going with her own mum to Greece. So it sounds like your not talking about step siblings with massively different lifestyles (That's how it was for me as a child and it seemed so unfair, but that's on my dad not my now ex step mum)
So In that case it's fine and I don't see a problem with going without her.

Beetlebuggy · 27/08/2023 21:36

Lollypop701 · 27/08/2023 21:33

@NotAMug dad isn’t taking kids. When he takes kids they all go.

Mum is taking her kids with maternal grandmother.

step child has her own holidays with her mum

it’s all fair

Absolutely.

Otherwise the SC ends up with double the holidays. Her Mum's reply should have been, no you can't go to Disneyland as you are getting a holiday to Greece, which the other kids aren't going on.

SamW98 · 27/08/2023 21:37

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

Absolutely correct. Her father isn’t even going, it’s OP’s mum wanting time with her daughter and grandkids.
There is absolutely no need for anyone else to be included in that invitation.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:38

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:32

Ha ha Well technically my mum hasn’t offered my brother to come…

He asked why as well 😂

Show quote history

Haha, I'd feel his pain!

OP I do totally get its a tricky situation, and certainly not black and white. Just be open and say its a trip your mum has organised for you and your DD, hopefully SDs mum will be fine with it. If you're happy to take her if she pays then just say that.

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2023 21:38

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/08/2023 21:31

So DSD mum needs to be asked if OP’s kids can join her in Greece, right? Surely that’s only fair…

Blended families are hard, but not everything has to include everyone.

perhaps review what blended family means- at least one of the partners in the couple is a parent to each child. That’s not the case in the step daughters mums case is it? The children are not related to her or her partner, they’re not her family!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2023 21:39

I am all for treating stepchildren fairly but in this situation, yanbu. Your dsd is going away with her mum, your kids are going away with their mum.

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/08/2023 21:40

Perhaps if her mum would take your kids to Greece with her as well?

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/08/2023 21:41

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2023 21:38

perhaps review what blended family means- at least one of the partners in the couple is a parent to each child. That’s not the case in the step daughters mums case is it? The children are not related to her or her partner, they’re not her family!

Show quote history

The step daughter isn't related to the OP or her mum either.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:41

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:35

The whole reason this started was because people were talking about 'inequality' and feeling left out. But as PP pointed out SC are always going to have things the OP DC doesn't have, via her mum. Why should it be equalised the other way?

DSD's Mum's taking her to Greece. OP's DC (yes I know they're joint op this is just easier) are going to Disneyland. That's one holiday each already. DSD should get another because....?

Edited
Show quote history

OPs kids get to live with both their parents, in one home. DSD parents have split. And that's hard. DSD may also (wrongly it would seem) believe that she is just as important in her dad's home as her mum's. And now something really fun is happening at dad's and she doesn't get to do it. OPs kids don't miss out in the same way as they don't live with DSD mum.

OP can't make things absolutely equal for everyone, but she can defiantly make DSD feel equal and valued in her home.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:41

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2023 21:39

I am all for treating stepchildren fairly but in this situation, yanbu. Your dsd is going away with her mum, your kids are going away with their mum.

Exactly.
OP's DP has zero involvement in this situation.
He's being fair.
He's paying for none of his children and going abroad with none of them.

He's done two domestic holidays in the U.K.

People need to get a grip if they still think this is unfair.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:42

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:28

I find it even more extraordinary that people assign parental responsibility to others only when it suits them... and 'equality', also only when it suits them

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Suits who exactly? Aren’t we all strangers on the internet who have precisely zero personal vested interest in what OP actually decides?

People are sharing their opinions about what is right or wrong in the scenario.

In my opinion what “suits” the adults should always come second in these situations. it’s not about which adult gets to decide what; or about ‘tit for tat’, or some abstract concept that everything should be exactly symmetrical (eg if OP takes SDC on holiday then SDC’s mum should take OPs children on holiday 🙄).

What should be prioritised is the welfare/ wellbeing of all the children, all of whom have equal value and worth, regardless of who is genetically related to who.

So the central question is, what is the impact on the children of one course of action compared to another.

Mirabai · 27/08/2023 21:42

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/08/2023 21:41

The step daughter isn't related to the OP or her mum either.

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No but she’s related to all the kids. She’s their half sibling.