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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:34

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 28/08/2023 22:32

@RoarRoarBoom Ignore them, there really is a lot of twats on mn

It’s honestly unreal that there are so many.

OP posts:
Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:35

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:28

Yes, thank you for the detailed breakdown but that's not really what I was getting at. There's obviously two schools of thought here and it depends on the dynamics of the people within a family which way they will come at this.
It is absolutely not absurd to say that an EOW family dynamic is going to be different to that in the main home or in a 50/50.
All laid out on clearly, you can see all the children are getting the same.
Their feelings on it will depend on what the family dynamic is. There are former DSC who say they would be in therapy years later over this, other DSC wouldn't bat an eyelide as they'd be off having a nice time with their own parent so why would they huff about not spending time with someone else's? Other DSC probably just want to go to Disney, regardless of who takes them or who pays.
It's not absurd to not agree with you, in short.

Show quote history

But I don’t disagree with anything you have said here really. Also btw I also voted YANBU originally.
What I said was ridiculous was pretending that how DSD was feeling about this situation was equivalent to how OP’s children feel about her going to Greece with her mum, that is self evidently false as DSD has already asked if she can come to Disneyland. OP’s children have presumably not asked to go to Greece. The reasons why the situations are different are obvious, and it’s disingenuous to assign equivalence to them.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 22:42

BumbleShyBee · 28/08/2023 22:31

This is awful. You chose to marry / enter a relationship with this man knowing he had a child. She's now one of your children. You either take them all or none of them. Your step-daughter will not forget this exclusion. Well done on the step-daughter's mum for standing up for her daughter but how sad that she needed to do so.

Someone's new...

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:43

Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:35

But I don’t disagree with anything you have said here really. Also btw I also voted YANBU originally.
What I said was ridiculous was pretending that how DSD was feeling about this situation was equivalent to how OP’s children feel about her going to Greece with her mum, that is self evidently false as DSD has already asked if she can come to Disneyland. OP’s children have presumably not asked to go to Greece. The reasons why the situations are different are obvious, and it’s disingenuous to assign equivalence to them.

Edited
Show quote history

That could be more about feeling "entitled" (hate this word, but for lack of a better one) to ask to go to Disney though, rather than being hurt as such by it.
If OPs (younger) children need to learn that they don't do everything their sibling does, and they obviously do, then the DSD should also be learning the reality of her own family relationships.
It's not a nuclear family, and she's not being treated unequally really. She's just not OPs child, which is news to no-one

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 22:48

If you HAD invited DH, would you have invited DSD?

I find it quite odd that because your dads not arsed about going, your DH then doesn’t get a choice whether he wants to come or not.

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 22:49

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:43

That could be more about feeling "entitled" (hate this word, but for lack of a better one) to ask to go to Disney though, rather than being hurt as such by it.
If OPs (younger) children need to learn that they don't do everything their sibling does, and they obviously do, then the DSD should also be learning the reality of her own family relationships.
It's not a nuclear family, and she's not being treated unequally really. She's just not OPs child, which is news to no-one

Show quote history

Agreed, I used to try to get myself included in my sister’s outings
as a 6yo and she was 10+ years older! I was disappointed my manoeuvrings didn’t work but I got over it the next day. I knew I was pushing it 🤣

MeetMyCat · 28/08/2023 22:53

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 22:48

If you HAD invited DH, would you have invited DSD?

I find it quite odd that because your dads not arsed about going, your DH then doesn’t get a choice whether he wants to come or not.

FFS, talk about splitting hairs to the enth degree. Do we need a written case about everyone who isn’t going? Why hasn’t the next door neighbour been invited, or the postman, or the OP’s hairdresser????

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 22:55

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 22:48

If you HAD invited DH, would you have invited DSD?

I find it quite odd that because your dads not arsed about going, your DH then doesn’t get a choice whether he wants to come or not.

OP has already said of course SD is included in whole family trips…

Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:56

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:43

That could be more about feeling "entitled" (hate this word, but for lack of a better one) to ask to go to Disney though, rather than being hurt as such by it.
If OPs (younger) children need to learn that they don't do everything their sibling does, and they obviously do, then the DSD should also be learning the reality of her own family relationships.
It's not a nuclear family, and she's not being treated unequally really. She's just not OPs child, which is news to no-one

Show quote history

ok well where you and I certainly disagree is concerning your ideas about how step children should be taught to feel.
I also object to (and find concerning) your interpretation of the step child’s behaviour as “entitlement”, rather than an expression of feeling left out.

funinthesun19 · 28/08/2023 23:03

OP you could have been going on a day out to the zoo and people would still be losing their fucking minds that you’re making plans with your mum and dcs without dsd coming in to it.

It’s really healthy that you feel able to make plans outside of being a stepmum. I thinks it’s actually really important to not let it dominate your life. You want a holiday where it’s just you and your mum with your dcs, and you should bloody well have it wherever on the planet you want. Just because you chose a man with a child, doesn’t mean you have to forfeit having lovely experiences with your family the way you want them to be.

I’ll say it again. Dsd’s mum can always take her to Disney. Then both girls have had a trip there with their own mums. She’s got a lovely holiday to Greece planned for the time being. Or her mum could always cancel that and go to Disney with her instead if it’s pressing?

Tandora · 28/08/2023 23:05

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:43

That could be more about feeling "entitled" (hate this word, but for lack of a better one) to ask to go to Disney though, rather than being hurt as such by it.
If OPs (younger) children need to learn that they don't do everything their sibling does, and they obviously do, then the DSD should also be learning the reality of her own family relationships.
It's not a nuclear family, and she's not being treated unequally really. She's just not OPs child, which is news to no-one

Show quote history

Ps. And here you go again, trying to draw equivalence in the experiences of OP’s children and DSD. 🤦🏼‍♀️

If OPs (younger) children need to learn that they don't do everything their sibling does, and they obviously do, then the DSD should also be learning the reality of her own family relationships

just completely “white washing” (for lack of a better word) over the glaring differences.

Honeychickpea · 28/08/2023 23:08

Her siblings are going to lord it over her and she will feel crap
Classic projection. I very much doubt that anyone will be lording anything over anyone. Most well brought up children wouldn't.

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 23:10

MeetMyCat · 28/08/2023 22:53

FFS, talk about splitting hairs to the enth degree. Do we need a written case about everyone who isn’t going? Why hasn’t the next door neighbour been invited, or the postman, or the OP’s hairdresser????

Show quote history

What's it to you?

I'm just curious really now that OP has actually explained WHY her DH wasn't invited, she did say early on that he wasn't invited, but never elaborated as to why, turns out because her dad doesn't want to go, so DH (and DSD by association) have both been excluded.

I voted YANBU originally because it is one of those situations where I don't think it's unusual not to include a step child in this sort of trip, (mum, daughter, maternal grandkids) but now I'm curious to know if the ONLY reason DH & DSD aren't going is because OPs Dad would rather stick pins in his eyes then go to Disney with the grandkids (unless it turns out he wasn't asked either), which does seem quite unfair to DSD with that added context.

OP can dress it up anyway she wants (and has by being purposely vague and evasive), she doesn't want DH there, and she doesn't want DSD there, end of, it's her choice to make and her decision to live with, honestly doesn't matter if people disagree or not.

Tandora · 28/08/2023 23:10

Anyways I’m am out because the convo is going round in circles.

OP, I actually think YANBU in this case due to the grandma taking the kids and the cost (and fact mother hasn’t offered to contribute at the very least!), but I do think you should have a bit more curiosity about/ sensitivity to what might be going on here for your DSD. Please don’t dismiss her as entitled and def stop pretending that it’s the same as how your children feel about her going to Greece ).
x

uneffingbelievable · 28/08/2023 23:37

young DCs will talk of Mickey have a toy seeing Cinderella and why shouldnt they - she will feel crap and they will know she ahs never been.

DSD is not included in all family holidays - see OP on another thread - where the attitude really does come out that DSD is an after thought by her DF.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 23:44

uneffingbelievable · 28/08/2023 23:37

young DCs will talk of Mickey have a toy seeing Cinderella and why shouldnt they - she will feel crap and they will know she ahs never been.

DSD is not included in all family holidays - see OP on another thread - where the attitude really does come out that DSD is an after thought by her DF.

You are presuming she’s never been to Disney Paris, I haven’t said that but she did when she was in primary school with her mum, nan, grandad, uncle and cousin.

I also never said she was included in every single family holiday with us. We always go away at Easter with the kids in the UK and so does her mum and her mum always takes her… so no she doesn’t come on every single family holiday but she comes on most of them. Again… that’s normal for step families.

OP posts:
Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 23:47

Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:56

ok well where you and I certainly disagree is concerning your ideas about how step children should be taught to feel.
I also object to (and find concerning) your interpretation of the step child’s behaviour as “entitlement”, rather than an expression of feeling left out.

Show quote history

I don't think they should be taught to feel. I think it's wrong to set them up for disappointment (expecting a step parent to treat them exactly the same as their own children when you only see them EOW would be an example of this) and not help them through it, but instead put it on other people to fix a perceived slight.
To be fair, I did say I didn't like the word "entitled" to describe this, just couldn't think of the correct way to articulate it. "The right" maybe, or feeling like it's worth chancing her arm? OPs not a stranger, so more chance of her taking the DSC to Disney than some random woman.

Honeychickpea · 28/08/2023 23:48

uneffingbelievable · 28/08/2023 23:37

young DCs will talk of Mickey have a toy seeing Cinderella and why shouldnt they - she will feel crap and they will know she ahs never been.

DSD is not included in all family holidays - see OP on another thread - where the attitude really does come out that DSD is an after thought by her DF.

These kids are all over 10. A bit old for mickey mouse, Cinderella and toys.

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 23:51

Tandora · 28/08/2023 23:05

Ps. And here you go again, trying to draw equivalence in the experiences of OP’s children and DSD. 🤦🏼‍♀️

If OPs (younger) children need to learn that they don't do everything their sibling does, and they obviously do, then the DSD should also be learning the reality of her own family relationships

just completely “white washing” (for lack of a better word) over the glaring differences.

Show quote history

Ok then, better to just let step kids flail around expecting everything from everyone and getting upset when it isn't always forthcoming then.
Why bother helping them understand and feel comfortable with their own family dynamics when you could just whip up a feeling of victimhood instead 🙄

sandyhappypeople · 29/08/2023 00:04

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 23:44

You are presuming she’s never been to Disney Paris, I haven’t said that but she did when she was in primary school with her mum, nan, grandad, uncle and cousin.

I also never said she was included in every single family holiday with us. We always go away at Easter with the kids in the UK and so does her mum and her mum always takes her… so no she doesn’t come on every single family holiday but she comes on most of them. Again… that’s normal for step families.

Show quote history

so putting aside any perceived 'rights' or 'wrongs' of this situation, which is very much open to interpretation, why wasn't she invited to go with you on this trip?

Stillcantbebothered · 29/08/2023 02:33

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 23:44

You are presuming she’s never been to Disney Paris, I haven’t said that but she did when she was in primary school with her mum, nan, grandad, uncle and cousin.

I also never said she was included in every single family holiday with us. We always go away at Easter with the kids in the UK and so does her mum and her mum always takes her… so no she doesn’t come on every single family holiday but she comes on most of them. Again… that’s normal for step families.

Show quote history

It’s been 3 pages, time to let it go and move on. No benefit responding to idiots who just go on and on.

Mothership4two · 29/08/2023 02:44

Normally on these kinds of posts I believe that all siblings should be treated equally. However, on this one I am with the OP. She and DM are taking her children away, no problem with that. If DH was going, then that would be a different matter. Several posters have said that it is DH's fault for not going on a trip he wasn't invited on 🙄but it is not that abnormal for female relatives to take children away together. Siblings don't get to do everything the others do and from these siblings perspective they know that they sometimes have separate holidays (at least once a year) and when DSD went to Disneyland in the past.

DSD has heard the word 'Disney' and obviously wants to go, mentions it to her mum who could have managed the situation and DSD's expectations but instead it sounds as though she has kicked off. THAT would have much more of an impact on DSD. This mum could have quietly and politely asked if DSD possibly could go and offered to pay towards it - OP doesn't have to say 'yes' but her attitude.would have been markedly more positive.

DSD is not being neglected, she will be spending time with her parents while her step siblings are away.

Mothership4two · 29/08/2023 03:23

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 21:34

All the kids (including mine) need to understand they can’t go on all trips and be happy for each other when one of them does get to do something nice.
But you're also saying he's not allowed to take just her in your latest post, I wonder why not? Maybe because your children would feel left out just like sdd does

Show quote history

Where did OP say he wasn't allowed? I expect he would decide that for himself as it would be odd for a parent to take one of their own children leaving the others behind.

When they get back from Disney should DP take his and OP's children to the cinema but leave DSD behind to make it fair?

Epidote · 29/08/2023 07:10

No, YANBU.
I can understand the kid to ask you and even the kids mum to ask you, a trip to Disney is something all or most of kids would like to go. However since is your mum's treat I do not see anything wrong saying no.

Say that to her, it is my mum's treat therefore only us are going. And enjoy the trip. Nothing more nothing else.

CrabbyMcPatty · 29/08/2023 07:35

RugglesB · 28/08/2023 21:10

A child talking about a holiday she goes on with her mum is entirely different than being left out of a holiday that her half-siblings are going on..

Comments like these are what I don't get...

I GET the fact that OPs DC have no relationship with DSDs mum and therefore it's different but comments like these are just silly... because its entirely the same. DSD doesn't stop being OPs kids half siblings just because she's at her mums house so she is going on a holiday without her half siblings just like they are without her.

If what you mean is that OPs kids won't care because they don't know DSDs mum then say that. But making it purely about siblings going without each other like the above makes no sense.