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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 21:56

Tandora · 28/08/2023 21:41

Disneyland versus cinema and food 🤣🤣🤣.
the very least you can do is not insult the child.

So it is just about Disney then, and not about hurt feelings or spending quality time with Dad?

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 21:57

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 21:48

I don't think the op has done the wrong thing and I've said it before in my previous posts. What I think is wrong is the fact that she's
1 - not asking her children to not mention the holiday Infront of her sdd on the 2 days out of 14 they see her
2 - accepting that her sdd is upset and shrugging her shoulders
3 - not exploring the option of the father coming along also and bringing sdd

There is absolutely no option for my partner to come. It’s a trip with my mum.

Not a family holiday with my mum tagging along.

OP posts:
Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:01

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 21:56

So it is just about Disney then, and not about hurt feelings or spending quality time with Dad?

Show quote history

Personally I think the issue is about feeling left out/ not feeling valued/loved/ seen as equal by her dad’s family (who she is simultaneously asked to share a home with part time, and accept her step mum, siblings as part of her family).
I think pretending it’s all ok cos you get to go for food and cinema with your dad (instead of trip to Disney land Paris) is just adding insult to injury.
Better to leave it, explain the grandma is taking her grandkids away and she can’t afford extra etc, and then let dad quietly get on with having a nice time with his DD.
but don’t pretend cinema is any kid of consolation
x

momager1 · 28/08/2023 22:03

NOPE. My husband came to me with a package deal.. 2 sons that he had joint custody of. I came to the table with a daughter. He adopted her, obvs I never had that choice as my sons were very lucky to have a mother that loved them (even if I thought she was an idiot) I told my parents off the bat.. I am now a mother of 3 not 1. Treat them equal or their will be an issue between us. I got those monster boys at 8 and 12.. they are adults..love their sister and ME their ma. they call their actual mother MOM..they call me MA as I am an Irish woman. I would never have taken my daughter on such a trip without including my boys from another mother.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:03

Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:01

Personally I think the issue is about feeling left out/ not feeling valued/loved/ seen as equal by her dad’s family (who she is simultaneously asked to share a home with part time, and accept her step mum, siblings as part of her family).
I think pretending it’s all ok cos you get to go for food and cinema with your dad (instead of trip to Disney land Paris) is just adding insult to injury.
Better to leave it, explain the grandma is taking her grandkids away and she can’t afford extra etc, and then let dad quietly get on with having a nice time with his DD.
but don’t pretend cinema is any kid of consolation
x

Show quote history

No one has said dsd doesn’t feel loved or valued.

and no one is pretending the cinema is the same thing. It’s simply a reply about then spending 1:1 time together when I’m away.

OP posts:
YoSof · 28/08/2023 22:05

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:04

I did answer it.

There’s no real reason…. It’s just a holiday with my mum and her grandkids. I don’t think it’s abnormal.

My dad isn’t interested in Disney but is happy for my mum to go off and enjoy herself and as my dads not going my partners staying behind.

My mum (and dad) get on really well with my partner.

Show quote history

@RoarRoarBoom its right there. As your dad isn’t going your husband is staying behind.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:07

YoSof · 28/08/2023 22:05

@RoarRoarBoom its right there. As your dad isn’t going your husband is staying behind.

Show quote history

Right….. your point is?

I wrote right there he wasn’t invited as it’s a trip with my mum…

OP posts:
Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:10

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:03

No one has said dsd doesn’t feel loved or valued.

and no one is pretending the cinema is the same thing. It’s simply a reply about then spending 1:1 time together when I’m away.

Show quote history

No one has said dsd doesn’t feel loved or valued

I didn’t say they had said that, I’m just speculating that that is how DSD might feel, and some of what is driving the upset (both hers and her mother’s). It would be natural for DSD to feel that way, and it is how step children often feel if they are not treated as equals to fully resident half-siblings in their parents’ homes.

Maybe that’s not how DSD feels at all and I hope it’s not. However, I’m not confident what insights you have into DSD’s feelings as you are not coming across as interested or curious in any way. Instead you keep insisting that how she feels must be the same as how your kids feel about her going on holiday with her mum to Greece, which is obviously absurd.

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:11

She doesn't want her sdd there. She could recognise that the child is upset at being left out and say to her mother, a grown woman, "I'm going to tell DP to come with sdd as she's devastated at not coming.sorry if that changes the trip slightly but we'll spend loads of time together still......blah blah" but she doesn't want that.
Cool, enjoy your holiday, I'm sure your sdd wont remember in years to come that her father who she only sees 2 days out of 14 already CBA to take her with her siblings to Disneyland.

uneffingbelievable · 28/08/2023 22:12

i dont disagree with what you are doing OP - what I wince at , is the confrontational and callous manner you try to negate the impact this may have on your DSD.

It really comes across that you do not give a sh1t about her or her feelings and neither does her father. seriously cinema and an ice cream when her siblings come back screaming about Disney.

The background is irrelevant - how you treat your DSD and include her in your family ( see your other posts) is your responsibility and how her DF tries to make her feel part of his family is his responsibility - DSD doesn't seem to figure in anything in her fathers house.

This is not just a holiday - this is Disney ~( somewhere I hate - but for DCs it is different) Her siblings are going to lord it over her and she will feel crap but it is her DFs responisbility to deal with all his DCS so one does not feel excluded, isolated and less worthy in her fathers house - she will not care who paid for it, all she will know is they went and she did not. Hard for a child at any age to accept and deal with gracefully.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 22:13

Can’t believe the maniacs are still giving the OP a hard time about this. Fucking hell.

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:13

Why is it absurd? All the kids are getting a holiday with their mum and all the kids are getting holidays with their dad and siblings so all the kids are on a level footing?
If she's been brought up to believe that OP is also her mother then I accept the reasons for taking her along. But I don't think that's the case. She just wants to go to Disney, leaving her actual parent "behind".

YoSof · 28/08/2023 22:15

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:07

Right….. your point is?

I wrote right there he wasn’t invited as it’s a trip with my mum…

Show quote history

You’re deliberately missing the point.

No it doesn’t say he was never invited, it says your dad wasn’t arsed about going and your DH isn’t going because your dad isn’t. So which is it - they were never invited, or your dad doesn’t do Disney and therefore your DH isn’t going?

You’ve clearly already made your mind up and change the narrative to suit with a couple of drip feeds thrown in for good measure, why even bother posting?

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:15

uneffingbelievable · 28/08/2023 22:12

i dont disagree with what you are doing OP - what I wince at , is the confrontational and callous manner you try to negate the impact this may have on your DSD.

It really comes across that you do not give a sh1t about her or her feelings and neither does her father. seriously cinema and an ice cream when her siblings come back screaming about Disney.

The background is irrelevant - how you treat your DSD and include her in your family ( see your other posts) is your responsibility and how her DF tries to make her feel part of his family is his responsibility - DSD doesn't seem to figure in anything in her fathers house.

This is not just a holiday - this is Disney ~( somewhere I hate - but for DCs it is different) Her siblings are going to lord it over her and she will feel crap but it is her DFs responisbility to deal with all his DCS so one does not feel excluded, isolated and less worthy in her fathers house - she will not care who paid for it, all she will know is they went and she did not. Hard for a child at any age to accept and deal with gracefully.

100% agree with this. I'm not expecting op to take her with her and her mother. I'm expecting her father to step up and say this is a bit shit for my DD so I'm goin g to come with her

Honeychickpea · 28/08/2023 22:16

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 21:56

So it is just about Disney then, and not about hurt feelings or spending quality time with Dad?

Show quote history

I rather suspect that it is. Otherwise she would surely be delighted to have her father to herself for a few days.

Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:20

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:13

Why is it absurd? All the kids are getting a holiday with their mum and all the kids are getting holidays with their dad and siblings so all the kids are on a level footing?
If she's been brought up to believe that OP is also her mother then I accept the reasons for taking her along. But I don't think that's the case. She just wants to go to Disney, leaving her actual parent "behind".

Why is it absurd

This has been covered to death, but for the last time, Yes, the situations are similar in the sense that both sets of children have mothers taking them on holiday. But they are also completely different situations in the sense that OP’s children and DSD’s mum are relative strangers. They do not share a home part time, they have no relationship and they are not part of a blended family. DSD’s mum is not OP’s children’s step mum.

it would be exceptionally strange if OP’s children strongly desired/ asked to go on holiday with an adult that they have no relationship with.

This is also obvious.

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:22

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 22:13

Can’t believe the maniacs are still giving the OP a hard time about this. Fucking hell.

Can't believe someone would shrug their shoulders at one child being left out of Disney and think people are maniacs for saying that isn't correct. A child isn't going to look at why they've logistically been left out, they're just going to know they've been left out.
I don't think I'm giving the op a hard time, I've said she hasn't done anything wrong by booking a holiday with her mum and children. I'm more shocked at her husbands lack of compassion and sense of fairness for his sdd tbh.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:23

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:11

She doesn't want her sdd there. She could recognise that the child is upset at being left out and say to her mother, a grown woman, "I'm going to tell DP to come with sdd as she's devastated at not coming.sorry if that changes the trip slightly but we'll spend loads of time together still......blah blah" but she doesn't want that.
Cool, enjoy your holiday, I'm sure your sdd wont remember in years to come that her father who she only sees 2 days out of 14 already CBA to take her with her siblings to Disneyland.

No I’m not going to tell my mother that it’s now a family holiday and she’s a tag along but thanks for paying half. Unreal.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 22:24

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:22

Can't believe someone would shrug their shoulders at one child being left out of Disney and think people are maniacs for saying that isn't correct. A child isn't going to look at why they've logistically been left out, they're just going to know they've been left out.
I don't think I'm giving the op a hard time, I've said she hasn't done anything wrong by booking a holiday with her mum and children. I'm more shocked at her husbands lack of compassion and sense of fairness for his sdd tbh.

Show quote history

Take it up with him, then. Let this thread die. Fuck sake.

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 22:28

Tandora · 28/08/2023 22:20

Why is it absurd

This has been covered to death, but for the last time, Yes, the situations are similar in the sense that both sets of children have mothers taking them on holiday. But they are also completely different situations in the sense that OP’s children and DSD’s mum are relative strangers. They do not share a home part time, they have no relationship and they are not part of a blended family. DSD’s mum is not OP’s children’s step mum.

it would be exceptionally strange if OP’s children strongly desired/ asked to go on holiday with an adult that they have no relationship with.

This is also obvious.

Show quote history

Yes, thank you for the detailed breakdown but that's not really what I was getting at. There's obviously two schools of thought here and it depends on the dynamics of the people within a family which way they will come at this.
It is absolutely not absurd to say that an EOW family dynamic is going to be different to that in the main home or in a 50/50.
All laid out on clearly, you can see all the children are getting the same.
Their feelings on it will depend on what the family dynamic is. There are former DSC who say they would be in therapy years later over this, other DSC wouldn't bat an eyelide as they'd be off having a nice time with their own parent so why would they huff about not spending time with someone else's? Other DSC probably just want to go to Disney, regardless of who takes them or who pays.
It's not absurd to not agree with you, in short.

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:29

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 22:24

Take it up with him, then. Let this thread die. Fuck sake.

Show quote history

Take it up with him, then. Let this thread die. Fuck sake.

If you're so annoyed by this thread you want it to die, you don't have to continue watching or responding you know😂

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:30

YoSof · 28/08/2023 22:15

You’re deliberately missing the point.

No it doesn’t say he was never invited, it says your dad wasn’t arsed about going and your DH isn’t going because your dad isn’t. So which is it - they were never invited, or your dad doesn’t do Disney and therefore your DH isn’t going?

You’ve clearly already made your mind up and change the narrative to suit with a couple of drip feeds thrown in for good measure, why even bother posting?

Show quote history

Omg. Can’t believe you are still banging on about this.

It was a conversation between me and my mum. When we were talking about it …I simply asked ‘would dad want to come?’she said no and I said ok then I won’t invite my partner and we will just go together with the kids. THE END.

Next you will be asking why my mum thought she can just say no for my dad without asking him but it will be because they have been married for over 30 years and knows him enough that she doesn’t even have to ask him.

So he was never invited! … it was just a trip with my mum. I didn’t realise that the exact conversation was ever needed on here.

OP posts:
BumbleShyBee · 28/08/2023 22:31

This is awful. You chose to marry / enter a relationship with this man knowing he had a child. She's now one of your children. You either take them all or none of them. Your step-daughter will not forget this exclusion. Well done on the step-daughter's mum for standing up for her daughter but how sad that she needed to do so.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 22:32

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 22:15

100% agree with this. I'm not expecting op to take her with her and her mother. I'm expecting her father to step up and say this is a bit shit for my DD so I'm goin g to come with her

Show quote history

Once again…. He’s not invited. I don’t want him there. I want to spend time with my mum.

OP posts:
JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 28/08/2023 22:32

@RoarRoarBoom Ignore them, there really is a lot of twats on mn

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