Page 29 | To say no to DSDs mum

RoarRoarBoom · 2023-08-27T19:03:43+00:00

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half. My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father. We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too. If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids. AIBU to say not consider this at all

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 16:05

gloriawasright · 28/08/2023 15:47

I have been trying to work out all the kids ages .unless I have missed a post where you have said something other than they are all over 10.
Unless you fell pregnant at the same time as ex was pregnant with your dh first child,then your kids are possibly 10/11/12 and the SD is 12up they aren't toddlers who will need a lot of looking after,and if anything then an even number of people are better for the rides.
I feel for your SD who has been a part of your blended family for over 10 years. And I am assuming your parents are step grandparents to the girl.
It just all feels a bit mean spirited.
Do you like the child? Does she get on with her half siblings ? It's not about who goes away with who,and when. I don't know many children who wouldn't be a bit jealous of a trip to Disney .

OP’s parents aren’t grandparents to the stepdaughter, any more than OP is mother to her.

They’ve booked a holiday for the three of them. They’re not mean spirited for excluding the stepparent, nor are they mean spirited for excluding everyone else that isn’t invited.

DrunkenHandstand · 28/08/2023 16:08

Because OP is not her parent and OP saying you can't come might come across badly. It is her own parents who should be giving that message not the OP.

To be fair, that that poster said earlier that her dad should have spoken to her about it. I can’t be bothered to go back and find the post. It should have been talked about so that it wasn’t awkward if the OPs children and OP spoke about it.

gloriawasright · 28/08/2023 16:23

Well seeing as the op herself calls the girl DSD I would have assumed that either with or without a marriage certificate. The girl has some sort of place in the whole blended family. But if we are sticking to the letter then I would like to note that DSD has visited the home of the GPS of her half siblings quite regularly .and presumably from quite a young age.
But she not their SGD.
as soon as the relationship was cemented by the op and partner's first born,she should have been seen as part of the family and not just your partner's child .

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 16:29

gloriawasright · 28/08/2023 16:23

Well seeing as the op herself calls the girl DSD I would have assumed that either with or without a marriage certificate. The girl has some sort of place in the whole blended family. But if we are sticking to the letter then I would like to note that DSD has visited the home of the GPS of her half siblings quite regularly .and presumably from quite a young age.
But she not their SGD.
as soon as the relationship was cemented by the op and partner's first born,she should have been seen as part of the family and not just your partner's child .

No, she isn’t her SGD. OP isn’t technically her SM either, but it’s an easily understood term. That’s all it is though, a term. Not a job description.

And she is being treated as part of the family - as OP’s stepdaughter, not her daughter. You mean she isn’t being treated like she’s OP’s daughter and OP’s mother’s granddaughter. That would be because she isn’t.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 16:47

I’m part of a blended family.. I would never dream of going somewhere and leaving my stepdaughters behind, however I’m fully aware not everyone is like this and often adults get together with the impression of “this isn’t my child”..

Ive voted YABU on that basis, I don’t think her mum is cheeky for asking, she quite rightly has heard it’s been mentioned and that her siblings are going, I wouldn’t expect anything different from my stepdaughters mum if we did this 🤷‍♀️ why wouldn’t she ask if she can go with her siblings?

no it doesn’t work the other way around either, you get with someone knowing they have a child.. it’s a different circumstance.

she didn’t get with your partner when you already had your children? So she doesn’t have the same situation to then take your kids away as you’ve said why doesn’t it work both ways?

you got with your partner knowing he has a child from a previous relationship, usually means you take them both on together so naturally when you had your children your stepchild should be included on what the other children are doing to.

also if your daughter partner only bothers with contact EOW there’s a chance her mum feels she’s being pushed to one side a little? My husband certainly wouldn’t be happy with EOW because he values time with his children.

I can completely understand why her mum would have messaged asking, however nobody can force you to take her if you’re not happy to.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 16:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 17:00

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 16:47

I’m part of a blended family.. I would never dream of going somewhere and leaving my stepdaughters behind, however I’m fully aware not everyone is like this and often adults get together with the impression of “this isn’t my child”..

Ive voted YABU on that basis, I don’t think her mum is cheeky for asking, she quite rightly has heard it’s been mentioned and that her siblings are going, I wouldn’t expect anything different from my stepdaughters mum if we did this 🤷‍♀️ why wouldn’t she ask if she can go with her siblings?

no it doesn’t work the other way around either, you get with someone knowing they have a child.. it’s a different circumstance.

she didn’t get with your partner when you already had your children? So she doesn’t have the same situation to then take your kids away as you’ve said why doesn’t it work both ways?

you got with your partner knowing he has a child from a previous relationship, usually means you take them both on together so naturally when you had your children your stepchild should be included on what the other children are doing to.

also if your daughter partner only bothers with contact EOW there’s a chance her mum feels she’s being pushed to one side a little? My husband certainly wouldn’t be happy with EOW because he values time with his children.

I can completely understand why her mum would have messaged asking, however nobody can force you to take her if you’re not happy to.

She's not being "left behind" by anyone, she's going to be with one or other of her parents.
I knew my DSD existed but I'm not sure how that translates into "knowing" I have to involve her in anything nice I do with my own kids. Not sure what she's missing out on that my kids don't "miss out" on when she's doing nice things with her own mum.

BadNomad · 28/08/2023 17:15

All children will at some point do nice things that won't involve their siblings. Sleepovers at a friend's house. Invites to birthday parties at adventure playgrounds. Best friend's family inviting them to go to a funfair. In this case, a trip away with their grandmother. It's perfectly normal. This isn't a family holiday.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 17:21

I'm a step mother but he actually refers to me as his mum.

My situation is a bit different but I couldn't imagine leaving him out.

If I pick up new pants and socks for my own kids, he would have got new ones too.

I've never treated him any different and it shows now that's he's older.

ohotoframe · 28/08/2023 19:54

If it was just OPs mum (grandma) just taking her grandkids away,would the ex expect her to also take SD too?

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 19:55

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 17:21

I'm a step mother but he actually refers to me as his mum.

My situation is a bit different but I couldn't imagine leaving him out.

If I pick up new pants and socks for my own kids, he would have got new ones too.

I've never treated him any different and it shows now that's he's older.

You’re comparing apples and oranges, if he’s referring to you as mum then it sounds like his mum is not as involved, which is not the case with OP.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 20:28

@Backagain23 because OP was asking why it should be the opposite way, I was simply saying it is completely different, in that situation it doesn’t make a difference about them being siblings more so the fact that when the ex was with him they only had that child.. she didn’t choose to be with someone who had children did she?

OP got with this man knowing he has a child, so (as I said situations differ) in my experience or from what I’ve seen it’s normal for the stepchildren to be included in things like holidays etc.. basically whatever the other siblings do so do the stepchildren.

so yes, when you get into a relationship with a man who has children in my opinion it’s normal to include them and take them with you on days out. As I have said others differ, it comes down to an opinion, this is mine, you have yours, keep doing you👍

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 20:35

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 20:28

@Backagain23 because OP was asking why it should be the opposite way, I was simply saying it is completely different, in that situation it doesn’t make a difference about them being siblings more so the fact that when the ex was with him they only had that child.. she didn’t choose to be with someone who had children did she?

OP got with this man knowing he has a child, so (as I said situations differ) in my experience or from what I’ve seen it’s normal for the stepchildren to be included in things like holidays etc.. basically whatever the other siblings do so do the stepchildren.

so yes, when you get into a relationship with a man who has children in my opinion it’s normal to include them and take them with you on days out. As I have said others differ, it comes down to an opinion, this is mine, you have yours, keep doing you👍

Not disagreeing with how you do things as much as questioning the logic.
I'll keep doing me thanks, my children won't be waiting around for anyone to be allowed to live their lives or enjoy their own family relationships.

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 20:40

If you're not going to take her then Stop talking about in front of your step child when she's at yours. Your children can be told to not mention it when she's around if they're all 10years+. I understand why she isn't invited, but it's a bit shitty to be discussing it Infront of her. Of course she's going to feel left out, she's the only child not going

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 20:50

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 20:40

If you're not going to take her then Stop talking about in front of your step child when she's at yours. Your children can be told to not mention it when she's around if they're all 10years+. I understand why she isn't invited, but it's a bit shitty to be discussing it Infront of her. Of course she's going to feel left out, she's the only child not going

If you read the posts your see it’s been booked for 3-4 months and this is the first time it came up and I changed the subject quickly so it wasn’t a long conversation.

But it’s not a secret and I will not tell my kids to not talk about it in front of dsd. She comes to our house and talks about stuff she does with her mum that my kids don’t get to do including talking about her holiday to Greece next year.
Should I tell her not to mention her holiday to Greece in front of her siblings as it’s a ‘shitty’ thing to do?

OP posts:

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 20:59

It's a totally different situation though. Your children don't have a relationship with her mother. Your children don't go to her house every other weekend and have a sibling bond with the children at her house. Your step daughter comes to your house as her 2nd home, has a family relationship with her father and siblings. You are going on a child's dream holiday destination and leaving her home. I understand why you aren't taking her, but would it be so hard to ask your children to not mention it Infront of her as it obviously upsets her? She's obviously feeling left out, I really don't think it's a big ask to your children and may be a good lesson in teaching them to be empathetic to other people's feelings.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 21:01

Oh come on op, she's only a kid, be nice.
She comes to her dad's house EOW where he lives with his wife and kids.

You sound stone cold to me.

RugglesB · 28/08/2023 21:10

A child talking about a holiday she goes on with her mum is entirely different than being left out of a holiday that her half-siblings are going on..

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 21:12

RugglesB · 28/08/2023 21:10

A child talking about a holiday she goes on with her mum is entirely different than being left out of a holiday that her half-siblings are going on..

She is going on holiday with her mum.

My kids would be going on holiday with their mum.

It’s the same thing.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 21:15

RugglesB · 28/08/2023 21:10

A child talking about a holiday she goes on with her mum is entirely different than being left out of a holiday that her half-siblings are going on..

Well not by that logic, in that regard the two things are exactly the same.

The only difference is that OP is going and has a relationship with DSD.

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 21:22

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 21:01

Oh come on op, she's only a kid, be nice.
She comes to her dad's house EOW where he lives with his wife and kids.

You sound stone cold to me.

My children are also kids…. I wouldn’t dampen their excitement.

Just like I wouldn’t dampen my dsd excitement for her holiday with her mum.

All the kids (including mine) need to understand they can’t go on all trips and be happy for each other when one of them does get to do something nice.

OP posts:

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 21:26

@RoarRoarBoom why don’t you suggest to DH that he could take your stepdaughter a different time? She then gets to see the same place (Disneyland) and also it means she could benefit from some one on one time with her dad?

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 21:29

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 21:26

@RoarRoarBoom why don’t you suggest to DH that he could take your stepdaughter a different time? She then gets to see the same place (Disneyland) and also it means she could benefit from some one on one time with her dad?

If my DH was to take the kids to Disneyland on his own (or with his mum) he would take all his kids, not one.

He will spend 1:1 time with dsd here while I’m gone going to the cinema or out for food.

OP posts:

Partyatno10 · 28/08/2023 21:34

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 21:22

My children are also kids…. I wouldn’t dampen their excitement.

Just like I wouldn’t dampen my dsd excitement for her holiday with her mum.

All the kids (including mine) need to understand they can’t go on all trips and be happy for each other when one of them does get to do something nice.

Show quote history

All the kids (including mine) need to understand they can’t go on all trips and be happy for each other when one of them does get to do something nice.
But you're also saying he's not allowed to take just her in your latest post, I wonder why not? Maybe because your children would feel left out just like sdd does

CrazyHedgehogLover · 28/08/2023 21:35

@Partyatno10 yeah I agree, exactly why I asked that question. OP why is the situation any different?

there all still siblings at the end of the day🤷‍♀️