To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

Surely it's quite simple to see that contact arrangements should differ depending on said family and children? As I've said on the thread already there never seems to be any agreement between anyone on what actually is best for the children, 50:50 is met with "children need a base", anything less than 50:50 is met with "what a shit dad". In reality, different schedules will work for different children.

I have no skin in the EOW game, my stepchildren stay 50% of the time. Personally I think it's a hideous schedule that actually works better for everyone BUT the kids, always flitting from one home to the next after no more than a few days in one. Horrible. It'll work for others but I have suspected since the beginning that given the choice my stepchildren would prefer less frequent overnights with their dad and a more solid home base with their mum rather than constant to and froing of 50:50 but it works for the parents so it won't change.

This thread wasn't even about contact schedules. Really we have zero clue whether the EOW is actually something DSD is happy with. It has no relevance to the thread.

She may want to go, but she’s not going. She’s not entitled to get something just because she wants it. The same as everyone else, kid or adult.

Generally, parents on here are encouraged to teach kids about managing their expectations and accepting disappointment in such situations, not advised to give them what they want because they want it.

And I really fail to see the difficulty of explaining to a 12+ child that she isn't going on this trip because her dad isn't going and it's a trip for her half sibling and their grandparent / mother. She will be well aware that they don't share the same mother and grandmother, it isn't a shock.

This. If OP’s DD can understand and accept that she’s not going to Greece because her half sister is going with her own mother, the stepdaughter can accept her sister going to Disneyland with her mother and grandmother.

No her best mate at school is not the same.
Honestly you are so dismissive of her and her feelings, referring to her as 'the kid'. Her dad had a responsibility to ensure equality and fairness in her and her siblings' upbringing and childhood experiences. It would be nice to rhimk her step mum woold also want this. Her best mate's parent do not have such responsibilities.
I'm logging off because I actually find it depressing that adults will tie themselves in such knots, to justify completely and utterly selfish behaviour and the expense of a young girl, sorry 'the kid'

And I really fail to see the difficulty of explaining to a 12+ child that she isn't going on this trip because her dad isn't going and it's a trip for her half sibling and their grandparent / mother. She will be well aware that they don't share the same mother and grandmother, it isn't a shock.

Yep. It should just be talked about openly. Instead OPs child mentioned it and OP quickly changed the subject which is bound to make the SD feel a bit weird. You’re best to acknowledge that there will be differences in what the children do and get due to them having different mums and living in 2 homes.

Well she's not anything particular to me and she's a kid so... 🤷‍♀️ Not sure what you're expecting.
She wants to go to Disney. This thread wouldn't exist if it wasn't such an exciting destination.
The dad isn't taking any of his children to Disney so he's treating them all equally.
I'm not in a knot, I'm anti-knots in fact. People are in such a twist over a woman taking her own children on holiday and I find that in itself depressing.

Doesn't he just?

I wish he was my dad.

Or my brother in law,either would do.

@WishIDidntButIDo saying that you know how stepparents should act because you were a stepchild, is like saying people without kids know all about parenting because they were a child once. We all know those who think they will be perfect parents and will do everything a set way until they actually have children and realise it’s not quite so simple.

I think someone is due a name change. Seriously embarrassing stalkery posts here.

Deranged is the word.

🙄 I think she’s perfectly reasonable to not take SD on holiday with her mum.

I do think she sounds cold about SD and I’m not the only one who has picked up on that. However, any issues, as I’ve said twice already, are her husbands, as he is this child’s father, not OP.

I wish he was my HUSBAND, but he’s so super-incredible and mega-awesome he’d never cheat on his wife.

Neither child is going to Disneyland with their father. Each one is getting a holiday with their own mother.

saying that you know how stepparents should act because you were a stepchild, is like saying people without kids know all about parenting because they were a child once. We all know those who think they will be perfect parents and will do everything a set way until they actually have children and realise it’s not quite so simple.

If you read my posts, my issue is mostly with the OPs husband not with OP. He’s the shitty father. She’s taking her kids away with her mum which is nice.

But I don’t survive in a bubble. Loads of people I know are part of blended families both as parents and kids. I know who are the happy ones and what seems to work better for them.

Loads of people I know are part of blended families both as parents and kids. I know who are the happy ones and what seems to work better for them.

Ah, let us guess - d’you mean your BiL?

@RoarRoarBoom you are doing the right thing. It is lovely that your mum wants to take her grandkids on holiday.

And it's lovely that DSD's mum is taking her daughter to Greece. It means everyone is getting a holiday.

Quite frankly, there has been a lot of gibberish posted here, and some of you sound as though you have been on the wine all weekend.

Who knows he may have done hence why he's not living with his ex and child/ren now.

She MUST have cheated on him, it can be the only explanation.

Generally, parents on here are encouraged to teach kids about managing their expectations and accepting disappointment in such situations, not advised to give them what they want because they want it.

Not if they're stepkids though. Because then a whole new set of rules apply. Where the kids must get absolutely everything their hearts desire.

A gal can dream though eh?

It's a really shitty thing to do to bring up people posts from other threads

I’m a mum and step mum and agree that only seeing your children EOW is crap. I only hear of that arrangement now for the bad fathers who are not really involved.

It’s fine not to take SD on holiday but your DH should talk to her about it as pp have said. You do sound very cold and detached from your SD.

Yep. It should just be talked about openly. Instead OPs child mentioned it and OP quickly changed the subject which is bound to make the SD feel a bit weird. You’re best to acknowledge that there will be differences in what the children do and get due to them having different mums and living in 2 homes.

@WishIDidntButIDo I agree with this, it’s the sensible approach.

I have been trying to work out all the kids ages .unless I have missed a post where you have said something other than they are all over 10.
Unless you fell pregnant at the same time as ex was pregnant with your dh first child,then your kids are possibly 10/11/12 and the SD is 12up they aren't toddlers who will need a lot of looking after,and if anything then an even number of people are better for the rides.
I feel for your SD who has been a part of your blended family for over 10 years. And I am assuming your parents are step grandparents to the girl.
It just all feels a bit mean spirited.
Do you like the child? Does she get on with her half siblings ? It's not about who goes away with who,and when. I don't know many children who wouldn't be a bit jealous of a trip to Disney .

Because OP is not her parent and OP saying you can't come might come across badly. It is her own parents who should be giving that message not the OP.