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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 28/08/2023 13:39

@Scatterbrainbox not 'just because she doesn't agree with me/OP' Because she's stalked OP and used past posts against her (and hasn't even got her facts straight). And because she seems to be mortally offended by the OP's husband having had more kids. And also because she seems to be fixated on the idea that EOW = shit dad, regardless of what people with actual experience of the situation say about it.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 13:39

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 13:34

@Thisismynewusername1

But OPs husband did find money to have more kids. He has a home with OP, yet he hasn’t ever seen his child more than EOW. There’s no excuse.

Any comment on what I've repeatedly said about how it's considered best for the child?

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 13:41

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 13:39

Any comment on what I've repeatedly said about how it's considered best for the child?

Show quote history

I'm guessing there may be some projection going on with this poster.

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 13:43

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 13:41

I'm guessing there may be some projection going on with this poster.

Show quote history

I meant with WishIDidntButIDoto clear up any doubt.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 13:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 13:51

EOW, dad of the year.

He court of fought for more but went the bare minimum.

Says it all really.

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 13:51

Any comment on what I've repeatedly said about how it's considered best for the child?

I’d say it depends where you’re reading. My BIL was advised that EOW wasn’t in his children’s best interest. They would cry for him and had various issues, they were much happier with more equal time with each parent.

I certainly wasn’t happy with EOW as a child, The happiest and most well balanced children I know, who have good relationships with both parents had 50/50 ish until the teen years.

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 13:52

So why the fuck are you pretending to have any understanding of this situation?

Read the thread and try to keep up.

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 13:54

Floofydawg · 28/08/2023 13:39

@Scatterbrainbox not 'just because she doesn't agree with me/OP' Because she's stalked OP and used past posts against her (and hasn't even got her facts straight). And because she seems to be mortally offended by the OP's husband having had more kids. And also because she seems to be fixated on the idea that EOW = shit dad, regardless of what people with actual experience of the situation say about it.

She has a point about him being a good parent.
If a mum only saw her kids every fortnight you probably would judge her negatively. Whether that was her choice or court ordered because she wasn't a great parent/a significant care giver, people would still judge her badly.
The significance of the EOW arrangement is that DSD is already allocated 'less' of her dad than her siblings. Then the holiday situation compounds that.
I do understand your frustration with looking at other posts to find negative things, as opposed to remembering the odd detail as they can be chosen to paint the OP a certain way.
You will note that I have managed to share an opinion without making personal insults or encouraging multiple people online to laught at someone (usually refered to as bullying).

Floofydawg · 28/08/2023 13:56

Then the holiday situation compounds that.

The holiday situation doesn't compound that though, does it? The kid's dad isn't even going. So if anything this is an opportunity for some quality time with him.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 13:58

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 13:51

Any comment on what I've repeatedly said about how it's considered best for the child?

I’d say it depends where you’re reading. My BIL was advised that EOW wasn’t in his children’s best interest. They would cry for him and had various issues, they were much happier with more equal time with each parent.

I certainly wasn’t happy with EOW as a child, The happiest and most well balanced children I know, who have good relationships with both parents had 50/50 ish until the teen years.

Well yes, it does depend where you're reading. But there is a very widely held school of thought (including courts) that it is preferable for the kids, and I know I have seen many former SC say they didn't like all the moving around and preferred having a main base.

So it is clearly not as simple as 50/50 = good parent, EOW = terrible parent and nobody decent would ever think otherwise.

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 13:59

Floofydawg · 28/08/2023 13:56

Then the holiday situation compounds that.

The holiday situation doesn't compound that though, does it? The kid's dad isn't even going. So if anything this is an opportunity for some quality time with him.

I suspect that the DSD doesn't feel like that about it, or she wouldn't have got and upset and spoken to her mum about not going.
I wouldn't have felt like that about it at that age. I would have been gutted. My step children would be gutted if I took my bio kids and not them to somewhere like that. So if she was gutted, I don't think it would be an unusual reaction.

Floofydawg · 28/08/2023 14:02

OP doesn't say in any of her posts that DSD is upset or gutted. She just says she mentioned it to her mum and then the mum started demanding that she be taken.

But genuinely, if the concern from some posters is around not enough time spent with dad, then the DSD going on holiday with SM and no dad isn't going to address this, is it?

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 14:02

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 13:51

Any comment on what I've repeatedly said about how it's considered best for the child?

I’d say it depends where you’re reading. My BIL was advised that EOW wasn’t in his children’s best interest. They would cry for him and had various issues, they were much happier with more equal time with each parent.

I certainly wasn’t happy with EOW as a child, The happiest and most well balanced children I know, who have good relationships with both parents had 50/50 ish until the teen years.

My DD loved EOW as it meant she had weekends with me and weekends with her dad. 50/50 wasn't an option due to distance from school so we did what was best for all of us. Sorry we failed to live up to your exacting standards but as DD grown up and has a good relationship with both me and her dad and is perfectly well balanced I'd say we did rather well.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 28/08/2023 14:05

Is it really so difficult for the mother to say 'sorry sweetheart, Sally's granny is taking them away on this trip, we've got xyz trip coming up and you can see your dad whilst they are away'.

That's the thing with blended families. Your siblings will have relatives that have nothing to do with you and they might want to spend time with them, that doesn't include you. The parents should be teaching this. Yes it's shit if the child wants to go too but that's the life of blended families.

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 14:05

Well yes, it does depend where you're reading. But there is a very widely held school of thought (including courts) that it is preferable for the kids, and I know I have seen many former SC say they didn't like all the moving around and preferred having a main base.

So it is clearly not as simple as 50/50 = good parent, EOW = terrible parent and nobody decent would ever think otherwise.

Anyone that thinks you can keep a close and good relationship seeing your child EOW is deluded. So yes EOW is shitty and pretty much zero parenting.

MavisMcMinty · 28/08/2023 14:07

I can’t be the only one aching to know more about the brother in law of @WishIDidntButIDo - please please please start a thread about him, he sounds incredible and mega-awesome.

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 14:08

Floofydawg · 28/08/2023 14:02

OP doesn't say in any of her posts that DSD is upset or gutted. She just says she mentioned it to her mum and then the mum started demanding that she be taken.

But genuinely, if the concern from some posters is around not enough time spent with dad, then the DSD going on holiday with SM and no dad isn't going to address this, is it?

It will help her feel like she is fully part of the family and not 'less'. It will help her not feel like her step mum would prefer to go away without her.
I can't imagine the ex would have contacted the dad if dsd wasn't upset. I can't imagine that she wasn't upset. Would you not have been at that age? I just genuinely don't know anyone who wouldn't have been at that age which is why I can't get my head around the possibility that DSD doesn't mind.

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 14:10

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 14:08

It will help her feel like she is fully part of the family and not 'less'. It will help her not feel like her step mum would prefer to go away without her.
I can't imagine the ex would have contacted the dad if dsd wasn't upset. I can't imagine that she wasn't upset. Would you not have been at that age? I just genuinely don't know anyone who wouldn't have been at that age which is why I can't get my head around the possibility that DSD doesn't mind.

Show quote history

If OP doesn't feel that close to DSD, is it so hard to believe that DSD doesn't feel that close to OP? So why would she be upset about not going on holiday without her parents with a woman she's not that close to? It's Disney. It's not about the family relationships.

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 14:13

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 14:05

Well yes, it does depend where you're reading. But there is a very widely held school of thought (including courts) that it is preferable for the kids, and I know I have seen many former SC say they didn't like all the moving around and preferred having a main base.

So it is clearly not as simple as 50/50 = good parent, EOW = terrible parent and nobody decent would ever think otherwise.

Anyone that thinks you can keep a close and good relationship seeing your child EOW is deluded. So yes EOW is shitty and pretty much zero parenting.

Did you not read the bit where I said DD and her dad have a good relationship or did you choose to ignore it because it doesn't suit your agenda? You may not have a close and good relationship with your "shitty dad" but.....and here's where you might want to sit down....not everyone nor their family is the same as you and yours.

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 14:14

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 14:10

If OP doesn't feel that close to DSD, is it so hard to believe that DSD doesn't feel that close to OP? So why would she be upset about not going on holiday without her parents with a woman she's not that close to? It's Disney. It's not about the family relationships.

Show quote history

Family relationships are the result if actions by the people in the. They are one and the same thing...

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 14:18

Right so on one hand we have "EOW parents can't possibly have a close bond with their own child" and on the other hand we have "if only OP, on those same EOW contact weekends, acted as if she and the child had a close bond then they would have one".
Got it.
I still think the kid just wants to go to Disney.

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 14:22

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 14:18

Right so on one hand we have "EOW parents can't possibly have a close bond with their own child" and on the other hand we have "if only OP, on those same EOW contact weekends, acted as if she and the child had a close bond then they would have one".
Got it.
I still think the kid just wants to go to Disney.

She probably does. That is a fair way for her to feel!

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 14:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Backagain23 · 28/08/2023 14:26

Scatterbrainbox · 28/08/2023 14:22

She probably does. That is a fair way for her to feel!

Show quote history

Oh it's absolutely normal, I'm sure she'd feel the same if it was her best mate from school, too!
I just don't see the point of labeling this as a bigger problem that's on OP and her mother to solve.