To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

Just wondering where the money was supposed to come from? The thousands and thousands it cost to even go and pay a solicitor.

Either way it doesn’t matter…. Our contact schedule isn’t up for question or debate.
DSD is happy with EOW.

Why on earth would you be expected to take a child on a holiday that neither of her actual parents were on? It's perfectly reasonable for your mum to just want a holiday with her daughter and grandchildren.

No, OP doesn’t need to do anything beyond what she has done and is doing.

the comparison isn’t silly when posters are using ‘they’re sisters!’, and ‘kids feelings are the most important consideration of all’ as reasons why they should get the same. If that’s true, then the stepdaughter’s mother should be on the hook in the same way OP is expected to be.

Her understanding of what a blended family means, and what works for hers, doesn’t have to meet your specifications.

It's a very common arrangement that is pretty widely considered to be in the best interests of the children.

@RoarRoarBoom same place your unlimited Disney budget came from, I imagine?🙄

Nothing to do with my specifications.
Everything to do with what her DSD needs and should have from her family.
If you're not someone who can hold yourself to a high standard of step parenting, you have no business entering a relationship with a parent.

No, 50/50 is generally considered best for the kids. EOW weekend is usually awarded when one parent doesn't want more, or there's something lacking in their relationship with the child or ability to parent.

@Scatterbrainbox because you know the DSD personally, do you?

Of course she's going to try it on and see if she can nab an extra holiday. But kids don't always get everything they want. Even shock horror stepkids.

My wages? 😂

MYbe mum should have thought about ‘being kind’ and giving more contact without having to go to court, to further develop her relationship with her siblings/other family. She had the control over this. Not OP.
She can’t have things both ways.

No one can ever make their mind up on this it seems.

Dad has EOW, he's useless, dad has 50:50, the children need a base, dad wants more than 50:50 the children should be with their mum. No one can ever seemingly agree what is best for the children. I've come to the conclusion that it depends what works for individual families.

Spoken like you have insight into what the stepdaughter ‘needs’ from OP, and if those are her ‘needs’ that they take priority over everyone else’s.

Who OP chooses to have relationships with, and how she chooses to manage them, is entirely her business. Your approval isn’t required.

but time with my mum (or dad / blended families on both sides) without any “steps” (step siblings, step father etc) was incredibly precious to me.

^^This is something that people are ignoring, @PumpkinsAndCoconuts and one of the reasons that DH and I can takes our kids on separate holidays. The child who stays at home with a parent absolutely loves having the undivided attention. Even DS (14) has said that he loves hanging out with just me, which I take as a huge compliment from a teenager! 😂

No, 50/50 is generally considered best for the kids. EOW weekend is usually awarded when one parent doesn't want more, or there's something lacking in their relationship with the child or ability to parent.

Have you been living under a rock? It is very commonly believed that 50/50 does not allow the children to have a solid base.

MYbe mum should have thought about ‘being kind’ and giving more contact without having to go to court, to further develop her relationship with her siblings/other family. She had the control over this. Not OP.
She can’t have things both ways.

I’d love to hear the mother’s side. Maybe she was being kind, to her child, knowing what sort of father this man is, one that can’t be arsed. He made a new family and was happy to not bother trying to see his daughter more than EOW. Now he is quite happy to go on holidays and deliberately arrange days out, for when his daughter isn’t there, with his new wife and kids like she wrote on the other thread. Dad of the year he is not. To be fair, that’s not up to OP to sort, but why anyone would choose to be with a man who is such a rubbish dad to his daughter is baffling.

Well if you'd read the OP's updates you would have seen

WE have taken her to Devon this year and we are taking her to Cornwall next month too.

So the DSD is included in 2 holidays with her dad.

HTH.

Nothing to do with my specifications.

Oh isn't it?

"Everything to do with what her DSD needs and should have from her family.
If you're not someone who can hold yourself to a high standard of step parenting, you have no business entering a relationship with a parent"

Literally everything you've said after that first sentence was you outlying YOUR specifications. You have failed to grasp the point, which is that there are all manner of different blended families and many will not be as much like a nuclear family as you have chosen to make yours. You don't get to decide that only your way is right.

You're wrong. It's standard.

Standard for shit dads maybe. Every dad I know well has had a 60/40 or 50/50 arrangement when the kids were young. But I don’t mix with shitty people who don’t face up to their parental responsibility. EOW is shocking. I spend more time with my friends children than that.

Agree.

eow is usually standard because mum remains in the family home, and the nrp cannot afford another family home large enough to house children 50% of the time.

50:50 is only possible if there is enough money to support two households, which there rarely is. Especially when you consider nrp house purchase also has to be near existing schools, and they are trying to get a mortgage with no deposit and 20% of their income is not considered. Plus it takes a while for financials to be sorted, to be removed from the family home mortgage etc, before which they can’t get a mortgage.

Nice that you have rich friends that can go out and buy a home suitable for a family.

i live in the south east. It’s extremely unusual for that to happen, most nrp are in a rental flat, move back with parents or in a house share.

it’s not “shit dads”. It’s dads without the resources to buy a second home. Especially if they are paying their CMS like “good” dads.

You’re getting a hard time here @RoarRoarBoom but I think your plans are perfectly acceptable, and unless your DH’s ex takes all your kids on holiday with her every year she’s got a blimmin’ cheek expecting you to take hers. YANBU.