To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

Wow, this thread has taken some interesting turns!

OP, of course YANBU!

If your mum wants to invite her grandchildren and daughter to Disneyland, that is a lovely thing to do. It’s got nothing to do with your partner, your SD, and most of all nothing to do with SD’s mother.

Have a wonderful time and wear comfortable shoes!

Frankly that's bullshit and you know it.

Its not. Before I used the search function to see OPs other posts, I’d already said it’s fine to not take her SD.

@notlucreziaborgia

This is just the impression I've been getting from some of OP's replies. I don't feel there is any warmth or affection or sense of seeing SD as part of her family. This is the strong impression I get and I find it incredibly sad for all those involved.

Why is the conversation not simply

Dad isnt going. Maybe you two can spend extra time together.

@Milkkbottles I’m not making anything up. Deliberately planning days out for when SD isn’t there when she’s only there EOW anyway is shitty. That’s not a good father that allows that.

Money doesn’t equal love, no, but there is no mention of SDs feelings here at all.

And the message from her mum was quickly changed from ‘she asked me to consider taking SD’ to its was a ‘passive aggressive’ message. 🤔

A good father would sit down and talk about why she isn’t invited on the holiday. That along with being treated as part of the family when she is there would minimise any bad feeling or jealousy. Instead this girl hears about the holiday from her half sibling and the subject is quickly changed. She’s likely aware of the lots more outings happening when she’s not there as OP and her dad plan it that way. This thread and the other one screams ‘I’m happier with my little family when SD isn’t here’. I’m sure many step parents feel that but you should at least try to not let that show. It seems her dad is happy to go along with his wife and their new little families happiness without much thought at all for his other daughter.

Glad it’s not just me as sometimes feel like the only person for whom Disney is the holiday from hell.

My own DS is now an adult but he wanted to go to Greece every year on holiday and like me wouldn’t go to Disney if it was last place on earth.

where did the father take any of his kids to this year?

Thanks everyone.

I didn’t realise so many people would post.

My partner has now messaged her to say it’s not possible to take dsd, She’s sent a couple of messages moaning about how unfair it is etc which he has ignored and has no intent on replying too.

I also have looked up how much it would be to add her on and re book and it’s absolutely ridiculous to add her on! Double the price of what We are paying now so it’s absolutely not a option anyway.

DSD dad will take her out to the cinema or for food while I’m away.

As you say ‘slag people off’ you clearly understand what she meant. She’s slagging him off, surely based on his behaviour. How much more do you need?

I’m not sure how the Op responds to posters attempting to harangue/shame/dictate to her reflects her actual relationship with the stepdaughter.

Op doesn’t consider the stepdaughter to be her child. That isn’t the same thing as not considering her family.

@RoarRoarBoom- you seem to be forgetting and ignoring that on MN it is only acceptable to sit in the dark in sackcloths until step children return to you, to ensure they have more than your joint children, and to never allow them to feel that they are not number 1. Your SD going to Greece is only fair and right as it's her mum taking her, and there must never be any mention that you and your children have or will do anything without stepchildren being there. They should be treated exactly the same by your parents, regardless of how often they see them, despite them having several other related sets of grandparents, because anything else makes you a monster.........unless her mum is taking your kids to Greece next year, which I doubt, the. You are not being unreasonable and neither is your mum.

T’is always the way on stepfamily threads, an entire ocean of back-flipping sharks.

Glad it’s sorted OP, enjoy your holiday!

This. My sisters (now ex) partner has a son when she met him, they then had 2 daughters together.
My parents took me, DP, DS my sister and her daughters away to Portugal for a week to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Sister's DP wasn’t available that week and it wouldn’t ever have occurred to my parents to invite his DS. I don’t think that’s strange or unusual at all. They barely knew him.

EOW was actually court ordered … because dsd mum didn’t want him to have any contact at all…. Just because.

And yes I take my kids on days out when dsd isn’t here. They deserve to go out too and not have everything saved for when dsd is here.

Either way…. Non of that matters… This isn’t about any of that. Its about a holiday trip with my mum which I’m looking forward too and very excited about.

I didn’t say it was accurate. I said it is clear what she means. Comprehension is clearly not your strong suit.

I think this is a very sensible answer.

It is different.
You made a conscious decision to marry/ enter a permanent relationship with a man who already had a child. I say this as a step parent, you chose someone who came as a package (as did I).
I actually find it a bit heartbreaking when you say 'my children' to the exclsion of your DSD.
In the early das of being a blended family, it felt a bit less natural considering the step children's needs equally to my bio kids, although you make aure you do it. But 10 years in, it's surely the most natural thing in the world.
Your SD and her dad were already a family unit which you joined. That is why the comparison of her mum not taking your kids to Greece is silly. You have not joined their family unit by consciously entering a relationship with her mum.
I just find it sad that you don't want her there before all of the 'he gets this, she gets that' is considered.
Is this about DSD or her mum? If it were just about DSD why would you not take her?
I really feel for her. Why does your DP only have her every other weekend? That's not an awful lot. I'd imagine she is already feeling a bit hurt about the inequality of the relationship she has with her dad compared to her siblings. This probably just poked the wound more.
If you don't like the ex (and there may br perfectly valid reasons why) you need to separate this out from your decision making about your step daughter, the little girl, who's family unit with her dad you consciously chose to join.

EOW was actually court ordered … because dsd mum didn’t want him to have any contact at all…. Just because.

Yeah, courts are always stopping good dads from seeing their children, just because mum doesn’t want them to. 🙄

My BIL got 50/50 of his children despite mum not wanting it 16 years ago.

I’m sensitive to horrible step parenting from my DCs experience with my XHs wife but it’s ridiculous some of the things being said on here.
If their Dad was going on the trip yes that would be unfair to not include her but he isn’t and OP has planned a trip with her Mum and kids so what ? Where does a line get drawn ?
As has already been pointed out will DSDs Mum be inviting OPs kids on future nice away days or trips , no of course not because that would be ridiculous back in the real world there is separation and occasions where sometimes one set of kids will be having a treat sometimes the other.

@Scatterbrainbox if you read OPs update the EOW was court ordered when mum wanted no contact.
I assume mum is fine with an extra weekend when Disney is involved though with no actual contact with Dad.

Id be tempted to ask mum for the large amount of money involved, I’m sure she doesn’t think she has to pay. Might put her off.

@Milkkbottles I’m basing it on what OP has said on this and other threads. Keep up.

@BathingBeauty Even if it was court ordered, he could have gone back to court in the 10+ years that followed to get more time. No good parent settles for EOW easily. You do everything you can to see your children more, especially when they’re young.