Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 09:21

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:12

Step child gets less presents.
Step child doesn't get seen as full family
Step child isn't full.

Yuh she's definitely getting more.

But it's not about how much each child gets for the 100th time
It's about how you treat children compared to their full siblings and how that feels shitty.

So the DSD's mum should buy the OP's DC's presents by that logic after all the DC's are full siblings and should be treated the same.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 09:21

Because often that's not what they really mean at all

No what they tend to mean is spend your time and money the same but nothing else.

user1471538283 · 28/08/2023 09:24

I've said this before but the best times my DS and my DF remember is when they were together. Your DM wants to spend time with her DGC and you.

I'm sure your DSD gets to go places with her DGP and DM without your DC.

You say no.

CrabbyMcPatty · 28/08/2023 09:25

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 09:21

So the DSD's mum should buy the OP's DC's presents by that logic after all the DC's are full siblings and should be treated the same.

Show quote history

No, this is when the argument typically changes to not actually being about siblings but the fact DSC have a relationship with OP and her children don't have one with DSCs mother. These people can never decide which it's actually about, just so long as it involves DSC being included and OPs children not of course.

Naunet · 28/08/2023 09:25

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:21

I presume she is with them at this time ? All the talk of 1 on 1 time with her dad

She’s comes for contact time with her dad, her dad isn’t going.

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 09:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Well she wouldn’t answer why he wasn’t going, just kept saying it was a mother daughter trip, then said he wasn’t bothered about going, then later admitted that her partner had not say in whether op took their own kids away or not as it wasn’t up to him(!), and he wasn’t invited anyway!

as the kids dad he should get a say where the kids go and with who, but the overall inference being that OP and her mother are paying and organising so DP doesn’t get a say.. which also means that even if he DID want OPs DSD to go, it really isn’t up to him anyway as he hasn’t been given a say and can’t invite her himself as he’s not welcome either.. like I said, there seems to be more to all that.

I think you should treat step kids like your own as much as you’re able to, but if there was barriers in the way regarding friction with any of the parents you should be able to rise above petty squabbles and hash it out for the kids sake, I’m pretty sure the ‘bleaters’ you’re referring to would probably say the same? There’s no right or wrong answer as no 2 blended families are the same.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 28/08/2023 09:39

DarkForces · 27/08/2023 20:17

I understand you just want it to be you, your mum and dd but it's not until next year and dsd knows about it so you must have been talking about it in front of her. Surely you can see that's asking for upset?

Edited

And?

At what age do kids learn that not all things are equal, that we don't all get everything everyone else gets, that it is perfectly normal for someone to have something we cannot have?

What happens when DSDs GPs do something nice for her? Do OPs kids get to demand inclusion?

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

NotAMug · 28/08/2023 09:42

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 01:03

YOUR kids might be YOURS but she is YOUR kids' sibling

Great! Il mention to dsd mum about taking them to Greece then next year with her. Perfect.

Edited
Show quote history

How many days a week do your DC stay at your SCs mums house for contact? If none then how is the Greece holiday relevant?

Obviously you are entitled to take your own kids away without her when DP isn't there, I think the issue a few have is that they (including me) feel that it's really sad that a SC that has been in your life the majority of their life is not seen as part of the family. I just cannot imagine feeling this way. Maybe because I see Disney as such a special trip for kids it's skewing my thinking on this.

ImTheBakerLiteGirl · 28/08/2023 09:46

Twillow · 28/08/2023 01:00

YOUR kids might be YOURS but she is YOUR kids' sibling. She would have a great time and build memories with all of them. Blended families are just that, not segregated by genetics. So YABU IMO.

But that is nothing to do with the grandmother. The OP decided to blend her life with these kids, the grandmother didnt

So if the GM wants to take her grandkids away she is not in any way compelled to take any other kids.

Lovelock1984 · 28/08/2023 09:46

Nope not unreasonable at all - your DH isn't coming, it's something for your kids and your mum - you are entitled to do things without her. I would be just as blunt back and say once you take my kids to Greece we can discuss your kid to disneyland. Or just a simple no, not going to happen, don't contact me again on this issue.

quietnightmare · 28/08/2023 09:47

OP 100% you do not have to take stepchild away with you and your mum.
Because...

  1. their dad is not coming
  2. their mum is not paying for step child
  3. step child has a holiday to Greece
  4. step child and your children can all talk about their holidays
  5. your children are not less important than your step child and are entitled to a holiday with their grandparent

Do what you and your mum want and rightfully so

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 09:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

No, not at all, she said he didn’t get a say as to where and when and with who she took THEIR kids (not DSD) because he wasn’t paying and he isn’t invited.

something seems off about that, normally a couple would decide together even if one isn’t going? It seems weird wording to say he isn’t paying so he doesn’t get a say? Like I said.. seems a bit more to that, but she’s had a reluctance to talk about it from the beginning, maybe because people on here may not agree with that attitude? She didn’t say he didn’t want to go because in fairness if he didn’t want to go surely he’d still be paying towards it as his kids with op are getting to go to Disney??

if that was a father saying the mother doesn’t get a say in where he takes them and with who because the mother isn’t paying towards it and isn’t even invited, I’m sure it would be more obvious what I’m getting at?

Seems odd.

my82my · 28/08/2023 09:55

Everyone's blended family is different.
This year I've been to Spain with my son & Step daughter

Step daughter has gone to Malaga with her mum and step dad

Stepdaughter's stepdad took his Three children to Turkey without my stepdaughter

The same Three kids are now in Greece with their mum and step brother.

None of this is evil. All I would say is that as OP step daughter is upset by Disney Land then to be a bit discreet around. Yes she needs to learn she can't get thing's just because she wants them. Ops children can learn tact and consideration to other's feelings. To be fair op did say when her children brought it up in front of her stepdaughter she quickly changed the topic.

If she's genuinely heartbroken over not going then her dad should go along and pay for his daughter. It doesn't sound like this is the case.. step daughter is getting a holiday with her mum in Greece so it doesn't sound like the Cinderella setup I think some are describing.

My now husband went to Disney land with my stepdaughter when we first met.. me and my son didn't go, strangely enough we also went to Greece. Disney land genuinely looks like my idea of hell, maybe ops partner feels the same.

timberho · 28/08/2023 09:57

Perhaps her dad can take her next year?

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:00

It sounds like your dsd just wants to go to Disney and that her mother wants a few days child free. If the holiday with the grandmother was walking in the hills in the rain or museum visits would your dsd want to be included? Probably not.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 10:08

I wouldn't say my husband has no say in where I take our DC with my own money but I would be pretty pissed off if he refused to "allow" me to take them somewhere they'd enjoy and he didn't want to go to just because... he never would thankfully. I've been plenty of places with our DC by myself or with family because he's not wanted to come. He'd never prevent us going because of his choice not to come and I'd think he were a prick if he did.

So not the same as saying he doesn't get a say, but sort of is, because it would cause issues between us if he said no for no genuine reason.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 10:12

NotAMug · 28/08/2023 09:42

How many days a week do your DC stay at your SCs mums house for contact? If none then how is the Greece holiday relevant?

Obviously you are entitled to take your own kids away without her when DP isn't there, I think the issue a few have is that they (including me) feel that it's really sad that a SC that has been in your life the majority of their life is not seen as part of the family. I just cannot imagine feeling this way. Maybe because I see Disney as such a special trip for kids it's skewing my thinking on this.

Show quote history

I think the issue with this is people just need to decide what it is that matters. If OP should take DSD because the children are siblings then they don't suddenly stop being siblings when DSD goes with her mum. If the fact they are siblings is why DSD should go then the same can be said for DSDs mother.

If its because DSD has a relationship with OP that her children don't have with DSDs mother then that is fair enough but it's a completely different argument. People can disagree still but it certainly makes DSDs mums holidays less relevant than saying its because they are siblings.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/08/2023 10:15

I'd just work on the assumption the mum doesn't know your dp isn't going

"Sorry, dsd may be a bit confused - Jeff isn't coming on or contributing to the holiday, it's me and my mum and she's treating her grandkids. Jeff will still be home to do his usual overnights with Bella. Don't worry, she will always be included when me and Jeff do family holidays together! Hope that makes more sense"

NotAMug · 28/08/2023 10:16

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 10:12

I think the issue with this is people just need to decide what it is that matters. If OP should take DSD because the children are siblings then they don't suddenly stop being siblings when DSD goes with her mum. If the fact they are siblings is why DSD should go then the same can be said for DSDs mother.

If its because DSD has a relationship with OP that her children don't have with DSDs mother then that is fair enough but it's a completely different argument. People can disagree still but it certainly makes DSDs mums holidays less relevant than saying its because they are siblings.

Show quote history

IMO it's irrelevant that they are siblings as such, it's the fact she (IMO) should be part of OPs family. That isn't always the case in step families, clearly in this case it isn't. There is no reason for OPs DC to go with SCs mum on holiday as they are unlikely to have any relationship with her. I don't really understand how people are likening the 2 situations.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 10:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 10:19

NotAMug · 28/08/2023 10:16

IMO it's irrelevant that they are siblings as such, it's the fact she (IMO) should be part of OPs family. That isn't always the case in step families, clearly in this case it isn't. There is no reason for OPs DC to go with SCs mum on holiday as they are unlikely to have any relationship with her. I don't really understand how people are likening the 2 situations.

Show quote history

That's fine but plenty have people have said it's because they are half siblings that DSD should go. If that's the case then the same can be said for DSDs holidays with her mum. And then suddenly those same posters disagree... funny.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 10:21

Fwiw I think it's fine for DSD to go away with her mum and fine for OP to go away with just her kids.

But some posters do go on and on about the fact the children are siblings and therefore that's why DSD should go with OP. I think that is when people compare it to DSDs mother, because they still remain siblings when DSD is with her mum.

Swipe left for the next trending thread