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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 09:01

guiltyfeethavegotnorythym · 28/08/2023 08:57

So many people missing a really important point , it seems op is not married to her partner . Neither op or her mother are legally related to 'step child' . A legal minefield for taking a child out of the country and to the US . God forbid the child need medical treatment . I wouldn't do it for those reasons at all .

A) they aren’t going to the US.

b) it’s fine to take other people’s kids abroad. Schools and sports teams do it all the time. You get parents to sign a loco parentis form.

c) the o/p being married or not is irrelevant. He legal relationship with the child does not change if she marries. She’s still a step parent with no PR or legal responsibility for the child.

Naunet · 28/08/2023 09:02

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:56

No because ops kids are not part of sc mother house.

I don't see why this is hard.

What?! They’re still siblings, I thought your whole point was that it’s the child’s feelings that matter most? So it doesn’t matter if she’s their step mum or not, she’s taking their sibling to Greece and not treating all children fairly.

Amazing the knots people will tie themselves in to make a one way street sound reasonable.

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 09:02

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:59

The posters who think it's ok to give the sc less because if not she might get 'more' than the other children are really something.

Lol, OP booking a holiday with her child and mother isn’t an action against the stepdaughter, any more than it’s an action against her DP, or her uncle, her second cousin x times removed, or anyone else not invited.

saraclara · 28/08/2023 09:03

Mamai90 · 28/08/2023 08:56

Don't be ridiculous! The situations are not comparable, DSDs mother isn't your children's step mother, she's not part of their family so why the hell would she take them on holiday? You are her step mum, supposedly her family.

I would take her if the mother offered to pay. You sound quite cold towards this child. Even if I thought it was ok not to bring her as her Dad isn't going I still think it comes across as though you don't really care for her.

Show quote history

The response you're arguing with is in answer to a pp using the sibling link as the reason that DSD should go

"YOUR kids might be YOURS but she is YOUR kids' sibling"

If the sibling link is why all the children should go on the holiday together, he same logic applies to DSDs mum. OP's kids are her kid's siblings so they should go to Greece with her.

In reality of course, it doesn't work that way. And equally the half sibling relationship doesn't need to work that way for OP and her mum either

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:06

No it's not the same
You have 2 children a and b

A is 100% with you all the time you give them the best you can.

B is with you 50% of the time you give them the best you can

What B does when away from you hopefully is the best those people can offer too.

If B gets more because of this then so be it.

What you provide and bring to the table shouldn't be artificially reduced to make thing's 'equal'

BathingBeauty · 28/08/2023 09:07

I read someone on here who was going to take her toddler to DLP alone in term time as she could just afford it. The number of responses that said she needed to cancel and take her SC as well in school holidays for thousands more was ridiculous. The suggestion being if she couldn’t they she shouldn’t go.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 09:08

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:06

No it's not the same
You have 2 children a and b

A is 100% with you all the time you give them the best you can.

B is with you 50% of the time you give them the best you can

What B does when away from you hopefully is the best those people can offer too.

If B gets more because of this then so be it.

What you provide and bring to the table shouldn't be artificially reduced to make thing's 'equal'

How is it ‘artificially reduced’? OP didn’t invite the stepdaughter because she isn’t her daughter/her mother’s granddaughter. It’s that simple.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 09:09

Gosh this is almost identical to my situation as in I'm also going to DLP (but next month) with my DC and my mum without my husband. My mum has also paid half. DSC know about it and they aren't coming.

Difference is neither DH or their mum would ever be so entitled as to suggest I take their kids as well. They have just recently got back from their own lovely holiday with their mum, my children are going on their own with me, their mum. All is fine.

Just say no. You don't even need to lie about who's paying, you are as entitled as anyone to take your children on holiday if you want to.

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 09:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

I’ve seen it said on here once that the OG kid deserves more by way of compensation for having separated parents.

Some really are more equal than others it seems.

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 09:11

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:06

No it's not the same
You have 2 children a and b

A is 100% with you all the time you give them the best you can.

B is with you 50% of the time you give them the best you can

What B does when away from you hopefully is the best those people can offer too.

If B gets more because of this then so be it.

What you provide and bring to the table shouldn't be artificially reduced to make thing's 'equal'

so when b is not with you, you can’t give child a anything?

in this case, o/p is giving b the best she can when she is with them.

the 50% b is not with them, she is giving child a a holiday.

by your own logic, she should be hoping whoever b is with is also giving child b the best they can. Not having to consider what she is not getting and redressing that…

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:12

Step child gets less presents.
Step child doesn't get seen as full family
Step child isn't full.

Yuh she's definitely getting more.

But it's not about how much each child gets for the 100th time
It's about how you treat children compared to their full siblings and how that feels shitty.

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 09:13

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:12

Step child gets less presents.
Step child doesn't get seen as full family
Step child isn't full.

Yuh she's definitely getting more.

But it's not about how much each child gets for the 100th time
It's about how you treat children compared to their full siblings and how that feels shitty.

They aren’t full siblings

they are half siblings.

Naunet · 28/08/2023 09:13

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:06

No it's not the same
You have 2 children a and b

A is 100% with you all the time you give them the best you can.

B is with you 50% of the time you give them the best you can

What B does when away from you hopefully is the best those people can offer too.

If B gets more because of this then so be it.

What you provide and bring to the table shouldn't be artificially reduced to make thing's 'equal'

So child A’s life must get put on pause when B is away, but B can go off on all the holidays they want alone, with the other side of the family?! Yeah, that sounds fair. If only A could get put away in a cupboard with no fun or treats whilst B is away to ensure they don’t get anything ‘extra’.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 09:13

I also love the hypocritical nonsense when posters cry 'BUT THEY ARE SIBLINGSSSSSS' and then in the next breath act aghast at the suggestion that DSCs mum should also take step mums kids away with her too then.

If the issue is the fact the children are siblings then they don't stop being siblings when DSC are with their mum either so surely by that logic, OPs children will be just as devastated to miss out on a holiday with their siblings when they go with their mum?

Oh but that would be silly...

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:13

Obviously not

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 09:16

There is no point trying to mash a blended family into a nuclear family mould a lot of the time. It may work for some (though I doubt for most), but there are just naturally going to be times when each child receives different, more, less etc.. because they have different family members, different parents, different grandparents, different aunts, uncles etc.. it just is what it is.

I honestly think adults make more of a fuss over this than the children do to be honest.

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 09:18

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:12

Step child gets less presents.
Step child doesn't get seen as full family
Step child isn't full.

Yuh she's definitely getting more.

But it's not about how much each child gets for the 100th time
It's about how you treat children compared to their full siblings and how that feels shitty.

You seem to think people are keeping score between what the dd gets versus what the dsd gets, and the dsd is getting points deducted on account of what she gets from her mother.

That isn’t happening. OP is simply not treating the DSD like her daughter on account of the DSD not being her daughter. That doesn’t mean she’s treating her like Cinderella, given that there’s a huge middle ground between ‘motherly love’ and ‘abject hatred’.

sandyhappypeople · 28/08/2023 09:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

I’m totally on the fence with this one as there seem to be a lot of factors that are missing to make a proper judgement, it would be kind to take DSD but I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to take her from what OP describes, if the dad was going I’d say they should take her, but OP and OPs mum have organised this, and the dad doesn’t seem to be invited either? Personally, I think there’s more to all that then OP is letting on.

BUT to answer your question, surely if it’s the mother of DSD that’s pressing for her to go with OP, then she’d have to agree to let go of any hang ups she holds about motherly responsibility, you’d need to be able to be in a position of authority to even consider doing this so it would have to be ironed out before it was agreed to. But no one posting on AIBU seems to ever have actual normal, sensible and reasonable conversations in real life so it’s all pointless discussing the what ifs isn’t it? It’s all speculation?

Besides, OP has absolutely no intention of changing her mind so it’s completely moot anyway.

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 09:19

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:12

Step child gets less presents.
Step child doesn't get seen as full family
Step child isn't full.

Yuh she's definitely getting more.

But it's not about how much each child gets for the 100th time
It's about how you treat children compared to their full siblings and how that feels shitty.

So in this case the half sibling is treated equally when with step family.

all children get the same trips, treats etc.

why then, if one child gets a holiday when the step sibling is not with the family, is this now suddenly unfair?

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 09:21

I presume she is with them at this time ? All the talk of 1 on 1 time with her dad

Lordy1w · 28/08/2023 09:21

the dad doesn’t seem to be invited either? Personally, I think there’s more to all that then OP is letting on

Why does there have to be more to it? I'm going next month with my mum and DC (without my DSC and DH). There is nothing more to it than the fact DH would rather pull his eyes out with rusty forks than spend a week at disneyland but I love it so want to go 🤷‍♀️