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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:45

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Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 08:49

@Milkkbottles oh behave.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:49

I don't actually give a damn what the mum wants.

I want the child to grow up not feeling like a part time family member who is worth only so much love and kindness but adults will make sure she doesn't get more than the real ones . Something I experienced as a child. Only it was my actual grandparents taking away cousins not me.

I'd expect her mum and dad to pay in these specific circumstances and I'd expect the other adults to accept that this is a child who is loved by their 'real' children and wonder why they didn't care for her the same

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:51

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RocketsMagnificent7 · 28/08/2023 08:51

The relationship between you, your mother and the child is poor because you treat her differently.

Where has the OP said her relationship with her SD is poor?

She also hasn't said the relationship between her mum and SD is poor. She has said it isn't close, that's very different to poor.

This is likely down to OP's partner prioritising his daughter's relationship with his own family over that of his partner's. How is that wrong? Even if SD is with OP and her partner 50:50, that means only 2 weekends a month for extended family time, meaning they likely see his family not OP's, hence the lack to time to establish a close relationship between SD and OP's mum. Surely that isn't difficult to fathom.

Wonder what the opinions would be if this was a stepdad taking their children away with their dad but not their stepson.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:51

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kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:52

Yes but the feelings of the child isn't

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 08:52

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:49

I don't actually give a damn what the mum wants.

I want the child to grow up not feeling like a part time family member who is worth only so much love and kindness but adults will make sure she doesn't get more than the real ones . Something I experienced as a child. Only it was my actual grandparents taking away cousins not me.

I'd expect her mum and dad to pay in these specific circumstances and I'd expect the other adults to accept that this is a child who is loved by their 'real' children and wonder why they didn't care for her the same

She gets the real mother experience from her actual mother. She isn’t OP’s daughter, and OP isn’t required to pretend she is to assuage anyone else’s anxieties over blended families being different to nuclear ones.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:53

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OilOfRoses · 28/08/2023 08:53

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Her loss then. She misses all the special moments, which is sad. Of course you get to correct a child in your care in your home.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:54

What she gets with her real mother is irrelevant. You treat the children in your house the same.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:55

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kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:55

Again other families are irrelevant

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:55

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:56

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Mamai90 · 28/08/2023 08:56

RoarRoarBoom · 28/08/2023 01:03

YOUR kids might be YOURS but she is YOUR kids' sibling

Great! Il mention to dsd mum about taking them to Greece then next year with her. Perfect.

Edited
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Don't be ridiculous! The situations are not comparable, DSDs mother isn't your children's step mother, she's not part of their family so why the hell would she take them on holiday? You are her step mum, supposedly her family.

I would take her if the mother offered to pay. You sound quite cold towards this child. Even if I thought it was ok not to bring her as her Dad isn't going I still think it comes across as though you don't really care for her.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:56

No because ops kids are not part of sc mother house.

I don't see why this is hard.

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 08:57

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:49

I don't actually give a damn what the mum wants.

I want the child to grow up not feeling like a part time family member who is worth only so much love and kindness but adults will make sure she doesn't get more than the real ones . Something I experienced as a child. Only it was my actual grandparents taking away cousins not me.

I'd expect her mum and dad to pay in these specific circumstances and I'd expect the other adults to accept that this is a child who is loved by their 'real' children and wonder why they didn't care for her the same

My kids get treated very differently by grandparents.

cousins have had private school, disneyworld trips, extra curriculars all paid for by grandparents. My kids had nada.

shit happens.

guiltyfeethavegotnorythym · 28/08/2023 08:57

So many people missing a really important point , it seems op is not married to her partner . Neither op or her mother are legally related to 'step child' . A legal minefield for taking a child out of the country and to the US . God forbid the child need medical treatment . I wouldn't do it for those reasons at all .

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 08:58

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:54

What she gets with her real mother is irrelevant. You treat the children in your house the same.

No, it isn’t irrelevant at all.

The children in the household aren’t the same, that’s the bottom line. That stepdaughter and daughter will have different relationships with OP, as they will have different experiences and opportunities by virtue of having different mothers.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:58

And those grandparents who treat children differently are shit.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:59

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notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 08:59

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:56

No because ops kids are not part of sc mother house.

I don't see why this is hard.

Because the feelings of the child are the most important consideration, I thought?

if so, then the stepdaughter’s mother should be falling over herself to be fair to her daughter’s sister.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:59

The posters who think it's ok to give the sc less because if not she might get 'more' than the other children are really something.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 09:00

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