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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
TuesdayWonder · 28/08/2023 08:09

AuContraire · 28/08/2023 07:21

I was with you, OP, and thought the explanation that this was a trip with you, your mum, your children, and not your DP would suffice.

However, from your later posts, you seem to be getting a kick out of this.

I agree

Appleass · 28/08/2023 08:09

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Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 08:09

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2023 21:38

perhaps review what blended family means- at least one of the partners in the couple is a parent to each child. That’s not the case in the step daughters mums case is it? The children are not related to her or her partner, they’re not her family!

Show quote history

the OP isn’t related to the DSD, neither is OP’s DM.

The OP lives a blended family, it’s hard.

Appleass · 28/08/2023 08:10

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Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:13

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Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 08:16

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Get a grip. The person at fault here, if anyone is the Dad!

My Dc miss out on stuff all the time. As someone said up thread, talking and communication is key.

Todaywego · 28/08/2023 08:21

funinthesun19 · 28/08/2023 02:59

The children both have two different mums, so will both have different opportunities through their childhoods. The Disney trip is an example of that.

And if the dad isn’t going, then the mum of dsd doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Without the dad going, OP has no more obligation to take dsd anywhere, than any other woman who isn’t dsd’s mum.

If the mum wants dsd to have a trip to Disney then she could always look in to planning a trip to take her herself. Then things will be equal. Both children will have then been to Disney with their mums.

This sums it up nicely. YANBU Op.
Your husband needs to deal with his ex by the way.

Loujones27 · 28/08/2023 08:22

OP, ive had to deal with this exact situation.
Dsd and dss mum is an absolute nobhead in my opinion.
They go on 3 holidays a year 1 with us an 2 with there mum but the very 1st time i suggested a holiday without her 2 kids. She kicked off big time. My husband put her straight.
We buy them everything clothes uniform etc as she is such a disney mum.
But ive stopped it as they are not my children and im fed up of my son missing out because i think there mum is incapable.
You go OP and enioy it with your kids.
DsD will be fine it wont affect her and shell get holidays without your kids.
Enjoy it

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 08:23

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does it work the other way?

if sdc goes to Disney with her mum, does she have to take all the siblings?

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 08:24

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I'm going to guess that those saying OP is BU are grabby ex wives who want other people to pay for their kid's holidays.....see I can come up with an equally ridiculous post. 🙄

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:29

I'd take the step child. On the simple fact that it would be kind to do so.

Yes she goes on holiday with her mum without your children after all she's 100% her mums family and yours are 0% her mums family.

But she's also 100% your husbands your childrens and really yours too after all you chose to be with her dad and she is part of him.

For 10 + years she's been in your family treat her like it not a half child but a full one like she is.

The relationship between you, your mother and the child is poor because you treat her differently.

Totaly · 28/08/2023 08:31

Surely you know that she wants to come because it's disney.

Surely DSD mum knows she’d like to go to Disney and she can cancel Greece and take her to Paris Instead?

We saved to pay for the kids to go the Disney as a one off. kids like Disney! Nothing wrong with that but DH could take his DD so could her mum - or even her own grandparents.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:32

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BathingBeauty · 28/08/2023 08:32

The fact the ex texted Dad and not the OP says a lot as well. Dad isn’t even going. It shows they aren’t close but she’s happy for her to take her child out of the country. Just like others have said would she be okay with OP or GM telling her off. It’s a minefield.

I know a stepmum where the ex has taken her children on holiday (her own children are grown) and did childcare for her. I think it’s highly unusual though. I bet most ex’s don’t even see the new children as siblings as well and make allowances for that, it’s all on stepparents.

I have learned on here that going to Cornwall is cheap and DLP is flashy though.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:32

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Rightsraptor · 28/08/2023 08:33

It's fascinating reading how to navigate a blended family, something I've not had to do and probably never will.

But I'd be the grandmother in this situation and it would never occur to me to take a step child away on holiday too, as OP describes in her scenario. The only exception would be if the child lived full time with DGC because their mother wasn't around. Then I'd do my best to be grandmother to the child, especially if they'd lived with my DD's family since they were very young.

Otherwise, they have their own family on the other side who should maybe step up.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:34

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Treat her like a adult in the family who loves her.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:38

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kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:39

Rightsraptor · 28/08/2023 08:33

It's fascinating reading how to navigate a blended family, something I've not had to do and probably never will.

But I'd be the grandmother in this situation and it would never occur to me to take a step child away on holiday too, as OP describes in her scenario. The only exception would be if the child lived full time with DGC because their mother wasn't around. Then I'd do my best to be grandmother to the child, especially if they'd lived with my DD's family since they were very young.

Otherwise, they have their own family on the other side who should maybe step up.

I don't get this why would you only put half effort in if the kid has shit family on the other side.
Just put the effort in because it's the right thing to do. The other family would have nothing to do with you but your dd would have chosen that child and it's parent.

A sc isn't a charity case where you need to make it feel better it's a person who is family and should get your best like any other family member.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 28/08/2023 08:40

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 07:34

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay she's known the child since she was 9, hardly someone else's kid as you put it.

You can put it however you like, there would still be an extra child with no legal (OP) or emotional (GM) connection to the adults on the trip. And they don't want the bother or the responsibility.

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:41

Oh no also discipline her like a parent should I don't understand why you would think otherwise.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:41

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Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 08:41

kdmott · 28/08/2023 08:29

I'd take the step child. On the simple fact that it would be kind to do so.

Yes she goes on holiday with her mum without your children after all she's 100% her mums family and yours are 0% her mums family.

But she's also 100% your husbands your childrens and really yours too after all you chose to be with her dad and she is part of him.

For 10 + years she's been in your family treat her like it not a half child but a full one like she is.

The relationship between you, your mother and the child is poor because you treat her differently.

Who pays?

it may be “kind”, but there is still the issue of it probably costing another 3-4k to add her on.

o/p and her mum are paying for her kids, so dsd’s mum/grandparents should pay for her own.

bet she’s less keen if she’s told it’s not a freebie.

what no one has mentioned is that with stepdc there’s always a risk mum can/will change her mind. They could book and pay, but if mum decides actually she wants to take her herself, or a family wedding comes up, or there’s a fight and she decides she doesn’t want op taking her, the kid doesn’t go and all that money is lost.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 08:41

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OilOfRoses · 28/08/2023 08:43

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But then why would they want the other woman to take their child to Disney? I'd be missing out on taking my own child to Disney and experiencing it with them. I want to do the big things with my own kids.

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