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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 05:21

You don’t think you are unreasonable. Your husband thinks you are right. Yet you post to apparently ask if you’re unreasonable?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to take your SD, but there’s a group of step parents on mumsnet that seem to revel in telling everyone about the things their step children won’t be getting. They’re always things that are a bit sad for a child to miss out on and the step parents seem to enjoy the reaction it gets from some others. Its really weird, like they get a real thrill out of it. Not cruel exactly but verging on it due to how they seem to love talking about it and sort of pushing that boundary.

Poppyblush · 28/08/2023 05:44

Yanbu at all. The dds is going to Greece but your kids aren’t. She needs to suck it up and stop being so dam entitled. Tell her to go do one.

SorryIAintGotNoMoney · 28/08/2023 06:34

YANBU. Have a great time at Disney.

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 06:39

i am a step sister
i wouldnt expect to go away with my step mum and step siblings
my relationship is with my df

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 06:46

I agree with the poster who said Mumsnet is utterly ridiculous about step families.

This thread has had some moments of total insanity. It’s hilarious.

Enjoy Disneyland with your mum and your children, OP. You’re absolutely right to do so. The stepdaughter’s mother passively aggressively suggesting that you both should not only take but pay (out of your own money - something some posters seem to ignore as it interrupts their agenda of stepmother bashing) for her daughter, is totally batshit.

Whyohwhywyoming · 28/08/2023 06:52

I would only take her if her mum was going to take your children on all of her holidays. As after all, they are siblings. 🙄

Greenpolkadot · 28/08/2023 06:55

You're NBU op.
I'm sure your mum is really looking forward to spending a lovely holiday with you and your DC's
Your dsd mum doesn't want to pay for her to go so how does she expect the trip to be financed.?
And what about spending money...Disney isnt cheap. Will you be expected to pay for all this as well
It seems your dsd gets some nice holidays provided
by you, this will be one that she cant go on as it's been arranged by your mum.

VictoriaVenkman · 28/08/2023 06:55

If her Dad isn't going, I can't see the issue that dsd is not going.

Have fun OP!

Whyohwhywyoming · 28/08/2023 06:56

It’s batshit that her mum even asked. There’s no way my DSCs mum would ask this (and she has her moments!) - she would be asking DH what he was going to do for their daughter. Not expecting it to fall to me!

Greenpolkadot · 28/08/2023 06:57

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 06:46

I agree with the poster who said Mumsnet is utterly ridiculous about step families.

This thread has had some moments of total insanity. It’s hilarious.

Enjoy Disneyland with your mum and your children, OP. You’re absolutely right to do so. The stepdaughter’s mother passively aggressively suggesting that you both should not only take but pay (out of your own money - something some posters seem to ignore as it interrupts their agenda of stepmother bashing) for her daughter, is totally batshit.

Totally agree

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 28/08/2023 07:07

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 03:08

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay lumbered.....oh how sad.

Yes lumbered.

it's a huge responsibility to look after an extra child on holiday. The OP is going to help her mum look after the op's children so to add another child without their parents present is lumbering adults with extra unwanted responsibility.

Gran wants a holiday with her grandchildren, not someone else's grandchild.

Cynicaltheorist · 28/08/2023 07:19

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

This. Your DSD has her own life with her mother and can go on trips with her mum and her mum's family without your children having to be involved, surely? It's entirely reasonable.

AuContraire · 28/08/2023 07:21

I was with you, OP, and thought the explanation that this was a trip with you, your mum, your children, and not your DP would suffice.

However, from your later posts, you seem to be getting a kick out of this.

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 07:32

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 05:21

You don’t think you are unreasonable. Your husband thinks you are right. Yet you post to apparently ask if you’re unreasonable?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to take your SD, but there’s a group of step parents on mumsnet that seem to revel in telling everyone about the things their step children won’t be getting. They’re always things that are a bit sad for a child to miss out on and the step parents seem to enjoy the reaction it gets from some others. Its really weird, like they get a real thrill out of it. Not cruel exactly but verging on it due to how they seem to love talking about it and sort of pushing that boundary.

It’s weird because I’d say it’s the opposite, there is a cohort of people who are desperate to keep step-mothers in their place by insisting that they have to sublimate their entire selves and their other children for their step-children.

And like you, they always question the effrontery of OP posting a thread here, even though the vast majority (82%) agree with the step-mother.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 07:34

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay she's known the child since she was 9, hardly someone else's kid as you put it.

Characterbuilding · 28/08/2023 07:38

HamBone · 28/08/2023 02:38

Haven’t RTFT, but it sounds as if my family is the exception, because we regularly don’t include everyone on every holiday, due to the expense and sometimes differing interests.

This summer, for example, DH took DS on a wonderful holiday while DD and I stayed home. I later took DD to see some family members abroad.

In this situation, your Mum has arranged a trip for you and your bio children. It’s fine and your DSD can spend time with her Dad.

Same with my family, no step kids but I’ve got 4 children. Sometimes I go away with 1 or 2 of them depending on schedule and interests. I also take them out individually very frequently. None of my children are put out by this because they know we will do something else together or individually soon. In your case the kids are going to either France or Greece to have a foreign holiday, this should be fine.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/08/2023 07:39

I would say no.

I used to really like my step siblings.

but time with my mum (or dad / blended families on both sides) without any “steps” (step siblings, step father etc) was incredibly precious to me.

so no, I would not take her. Even if the children get along. Even if your children agree! (I would have agreed. Not because I wanted to but because I would have felt so guilty otherwise).

the only scenario that might convince me to take them if my DC came to me Independently and asked. Before stepmum brought this up.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/08/2023 07:42

Willmafrockfit · 28/08/2023 06:39

i am a step sister
i wouldnt expect to go away with my step mum and step siblings
my relationship is with my df

Same. Also because I really enjoyed outings without my step siblings…

we used to get along quite well. But some separation/time apart can be good, especially in blended family. but the same also applies to full and half siblings in my experience.

Joeylove88 · 28/08/2023 07:43

You are absolutely right to take your own DC and mum on a holiday without your SD and to be honest I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable going without either of her parents there as it's a big responsibility looking after someone else's child should they get hurt on the trip I'd be worried about her mum kicking off or something if her mum is a bit of a funny one! However, she's your DC half sibling and she's a child herself and of course she's going to absolutely feel upset and left out of not going to Disneyland with them. Disneyland is a kids dream place, hell it's my dream place 😅 you do come across quite emotionally detached from this fact but I understand you are trying not to make a huge deal about it to you SD so there's nothing that can be done. It might be worth discussing a new holiday for next year and reassuring her that she will be included in that holiday with all of you because her dad will also be there.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 28/08/2023 07:47

Do the kids get on? If so suggest taking her if her mum and dad pay for her

Roselilly36 · 28/08/2023 07:56

I don’t think YABU not to include DSD.

Milkkbottles · 28/08/2023 07:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 08:02

Prinnny · 27/08/2023 20:07

Let her kick off, it’s a trip for you and your mum and your kids. Not your DH or his child.

This. She should be embarrassed

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2023 08:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Agreed. Can you imagine what the replies would be if OP posted that DSD had kicked off during the holiday and the OP had to march her back to the hotel room and give her a stern telling off? The "treat-her-as-your-own" brigade would collectively combust.

WishIDidntButIDo · 28/08/2023 08:06

It’s weird because I’d say it’s the opposite, there is a cohort of people who are desperate to keep step-mothers in their place by insisting that they have to sublimate their entire selves and their other children for their step-children.

Well that’s not me. I know being a step parent isn’t always an easy role, especially when they have their own bio children too with the step children’s father.

I’ve said I don’t think OP is unreasonable. But there’s zero sympathy or understanding of the SDs feelings here. She may already feel not part of things because she doesn’t see her dad as much as her half siblings, now her half siblings are off on holiday. And to Disney as well which has the ‘wow’ factor over a holiday to Cornwall for many people. OP very much comes across as not caring a shit for her SDs feelings. It’s all about whether it’s reasonable or not, forgetting there’s a child’s feelings here. And the WhatsApp from SDs mother has gone from ‘asking her to consider taking SD’ to a ‘passive aggressive message’.

Whether you like it or not, some step mums on here do seem to revel a little in the things they can do which aren’t necessarily unreasonable but leave step children feeling a bit upset.

Her dad needs to step up and do nice things with her, and with her and her half siblings to make her feel more part of things. How often does he actually see her, I really hope he isn’t every other weekend type dad.

Although it’s hard being a step parent, its also hard being a child who has to split their time between parents and houses and see half/step siblings doing things that you’re not. That doesn’t mean they should or can be included in everything, but a little understanding of feelings involved would be good. It’s not about winning an AIBU debate on mumsnet, this is a real child’s feelings and childhood which will shape the person they become. It’s also about the relationship between half siblings which you should want to be as good as possible.

Instead if avoiding talking about the holiday, talk to the child about it. Explain why she can’t go. As with everything, communication is key and making children feel reassured is important. Avoiding talking about it will just mean she’s wonders and feels like an outsider.