To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

This would potentially cause all kinds of legal issues at the border due to the child not travelling with either parent.

And the OP’s parents are not her SD’s grandparents? My point was if SD went away with her maternal GP’s she’d get a treat her siblings wouldn’t, her siblings are going away with their maternal grandmother. OP has said her parents are lovely and kind to her SD but don’t see her that often, they are not close.

She has her own Mum and Grandparents that can take her away. IF her dad was going then yes it’s totally unfair but he isn’t. OP and her partner include SD in their family holidays when DP goes so it’s not a regular occurrence. If OP was going alone with just her 2 kids and not her SD then yes maybe that would be mean, but she’s going with her mum - noting wrong with that.

My maternal GP’s took me on all sorts of wonderful holidays, was it unfair on my half-siblings on my dads side that I went and got that experience they didn’t?

I also went away on lovely holidays with my mum (including disney, twice, my half sibs have never been) and my dad and SM - I got more holidays than all! My Siblings also got lovely days out and some holidays etc from their maternal grandparents and I never batted an eyelid because I was included in everything else.

My DC paternal GP’s are taking them away for a weekend next week, my DC2 with my new DH isn’t going- should they take him? Will it be wrong my older DC gets that experience?

I know SD might feel a bit left out but sometimes in blended families you can’t always do everything - that’s why I said they should get her some really nice gifts.

To those who say OPs kids are not part of DSD family - well they are exactly the same bio relationship.
The kids are half siblings of DSD who is going to Greece with her bio Mum (and grandparents or who ever).
DSD is half sibling of OPs kids who are going to Disney with their Mum and grandmother.

Get why you wouldn’t think of taking her initially if it’s just you and your mum going. But don’t think comparing her mum taking your kids to Greece is the same thing at all, since you have a relationship with her as you are her stepmother. Not knowing your dynamic it’s hard to comment - but can understand why she would feel upset and left out if she visits with you all the time. I would feel bad for DSD.

The child won't see it that way. She just sees the stepmother taking her siblings away, which she is, even though her mother is paying half.

No she may not, and of course she might feel really sad and I can totally see why thats shit, but OP in my opinion isn’t being unreasonable in this case. SD is over 10 and is old enough that it can be explained to her. “Susie and Harry’s Nanny is taking them away, as its a special treat from their Nanny, like you sometimes get treats from your Nanny. But daddy is going to treat you that weekend to something really nice and SM will bring you back a really lovely pressie”

If she want’s to go her Mum and Dad should finance it jointly, OP is only paying for half of this trip remember, she’s not going out of her way to spite her SD

Haven’t RTFT, but it sounds as if my family is the exception, because we regularly don’t include everyone on every holiday, due to the expense and sometimes differing interests.

This summer, for example, DH took DS on a wonderful holiday while DD and I stayed home. I later took DD to see some family members abroad.

In this situation, your Mum has arranged a trip for you and your bio children. It’s fine and your DSD can spend time with her Dad.

The child understands her half-sibs aren’t coming with her to Greece because her mum isn’t their mum.

The child can also understand she isn’t going to Paris because her half-sibs grandma isn’t her grandma.

Just because the child wants to go to Paris doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand why she can’t go.

I can't understand why you didn't include her to be honest.

The children both have two different mums, so will both have different opportunities through their childhoods. The Disney trip is an example of that.

And if the dad isn’t going, then the mum of dsd doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Without the dad going, OP has no more obligation to take dsd anywhere, than any other woman who isn’t dsd’s mum.

If the mum wants dsd to have a trip to Disney then she could always look in to planning a trip to take her herself. Then things will be equal. Both children will have then been to Disney with their mums.

If you expect dsd mother to pay, she can take dsd to disneyland herself. Why does op and her mum get lumbered when dsd father isn't even going to be there?

@AnneLovesGilbert I would also take my step child.

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay lumbered.....oh how sad.

It doesn't mean she does understand either.
I would imagine it's the child who asked the ex to ask.

And depending on how welcome the child is made to feel when with the OP, she could be devastated to be treated differently in this instance. If the child genuinely feels very comfortable when with the OP and loved and cared about then she is very likely to be upset. If she just feels like it's her dads girlfriend or siblings mother then she won't take it as bad.

It's all very well saying the child can understand x or y but a huge amount of the threads on MN are grown adults being hurt or offended by feeling left out etc.

I think yanbu to just take your kids on this trip with your mum. However, yabu to insist that your dh can’t take his daughter unless he takes all the kids.

Many families (even those that are not blended) will have one on one activities etc with the kids.

Your kids will have already been with you and your mum (so 2 adults looking after the kids not 1 adult).

I really do think that your dh should get one on one time with his dd including him taking her to Disney.

You stipulating that he has to take all his kids is unreasonable and unfair.

If he can’t tell you what you can and can’t do then you can’t tell him what he can and can’t do.

He’s the father to all of the children though. He shouldn’t be taking just his dd. It’s a completely different scenario to op taking her child. Why shouldn’t both of his children get to make memories with their father at Disney?? What you’re suggesting will FAR MORE hurtful to a child than what op is suggesting.

And he’s a father of two. So complaining that he has to juggle 2 children when op had to juggle one (with another adult) is just silly. He chose to have 2. And I really think that if he goes to Disney, why can’t it be all of them going together? Why this insistence to make up for OP going away with her mum and kids?

I’ve taken my 2 kids away with my parents twice this year- my stepson who is 13 year older has not been invited on either. He is not interested in spending time with my side of the family when we meet up with them throughout the year (not through lack of trying on my families part) he declines invites to birthday parties, meals etc, so why should he then benefit from holidays with them.

my husband has not once made an issue of this.
Every blended family has a different dynamic and what works for one won’t work for another.

He’s the father to all of the children though. He shouldn’t be taking just his dd. It’s a completely different scenario to op taking her child.

@funinthesun19 Hmm, I don’t really agree. My DH has taken each of our children on separate holidays, as have I. No one gets upset, it’s done to suit differing schedules and also the cost.

My suspicion in this instance is that DSD told her Mum, who’s now decided to make an issue of it.

Well yes as long as he makes time for both, then that’s fine. But that’s not the impression I was getting from a pp’s post. It sounded like he should take dsd to Disney and then don’t bother taking his youngest. Partly because his youngest has already been and partly to make up for dsd not going with Op. Both really poor reasons not to take his actual equal child.

If the situation was reversed and dsd went to Disney with her mum, I can imagine the very heated comments on here if he just booked for his youngest to then go with him to Disney. 🤷🏼‍♀️

At times, it's quite mind-boggling to see one thread where the OP was the high earner with, "Your SC deserves as much as your own children even if the costs fall on you" to another thread where the DH was the high earner, "If your DH wants to spend more money on his DC than you can afford to spend on your DC, that is totally his right and you have no say."{face palm}

It always seems to boil down to, SC deserve as much, if not more, than your birth children.

A few people are saying she should take SD but yet, it's common knowledge on MN that no step-parent is allowed to discipline a step-child. So, SD goes on trip and just who disciplines her? Oh wait, I am sure a poster will come up with, "Volunteer to take SC birth mother too, and of course pay her way, so she can discipline her child if need be".

Who's on first?

Of course YANBU!
This is a holiday for you, your mum, and your biological kids/grandkids.
Your partner, her father isn't going along, so it isn't a "blended family" trip. (I really hate that term)
It really isn't any different to your kids not going to greece with DSD, the childs father isn't going, so its both cases of the children going on holiday with their biological maternal family, and the paternal half siblings not coming along too.
Your step daughter is still getting a fancy, exciting foreign holiday, just to a different destination.
It is just a fact of life that sometimes not everyone gets to do everything and sometimes, everyone will experience missing out. Your step daughter doesn't get to come on this trip, but she gets to come on others, multiple times a year, so isn't being treated unfairly.

I would take DSD because I hate the thought of one sibling missing out.
But then I would be considered odd by some posters on here as I often have my exs and his ex after me partners son for weekends and events out etc, as he his my children's brother at the end of the day.
Their dad has nothing to do with them ut we both get along well and even spent Christmases together. We do it for the kids.

DSD Mum is taking her daughter to Greece next year, is she offering to include your children so that they don't feel left out?

I can see both sides.

On the one hand of course you should be able to take your kids away without feeling guilty for not taking step kids.

But I have two dd who are stepkids and it sucks. Step parents family treating the blood related kids better than them. (More gifts/trips etc) yes they get gifts off their own grandparents so they are not worse off. But it's still rubbish as a child seeing your siblings get loads of gifts from their grandparents while you get a token one. It makes the child feel less important in that household. Not getting invited on hols is another, my dds always got a hol with me but it still hurt when their dad too there siblings away without them (because he couldn't afford to include them)

I can see why her mum would feel bad for her

What a crock of shite.

The OP’s mum had zero say or interest or role in OP’s decision to take on a stepchild. She hasn’t assumed responsibility for anyone other than her own children and their children. Why on earth should she feel obliged to take DSD on a holiday with her own grandchildren?

DSD’s own maternal grandmother can take her on holiday.

It’s a fact of life, that parents need to take responsibility for teaching their children when they divorce and remarry, that there won’t always be equivalence between step and half siblings. There just can’t be. If there is, it would only ever be down to the extraordinary kindness and generosity at all times of ALL parents, grandparents, step-parents and step-grandparents, aunts and uncles blah blah blah. Basically, never. If any child feels sore about this, they can look to their own parents.

MN is ridiculous when it comes to step families.