To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

But it's not her parents, her mum and dad aren't going to Disney. It's her stepmum and half siblings gran who she vaguely knows

It was a joke talking about the difference between Cornwall and Disney, not comparable IMO. OP got it quite ago 🤷‍♀️

@RoarRoarBoom Like many others I do not think you are unreasonable because the dad isn't going. (Echoing others, It is your mum's not a family holiday).

Maybe the dad can use the opportunity to take dsd to a concert/dinner/theatre (whatever she is into) without any other dc to consider

OP's kids are going on holiday with their mum (and, importantly, their Grandma) without their dad.

DSD is going on holiday with her mum, without her dad.

When OP and her DH go on holiday, her DCs and DSD all go.

That looks entirely fair and balanced to me. Why are so many people getting so het up about it and determined to see some imbalance somewhere?

I’m usually on the side of the kids in these sort of threads, but in this case, as the child’s father isn’t going I’m not. It’d be different if the entire family except her were going.

Be mindful though that Disneyland is an incredibly exciting holiday for kids. Much more so than Greece. It would be kind to explain that to your children and ask them to keep the chat about it for when she’s not around. No need to rub her nose in it.

I don’t think you’re obliged to take her, but it’d be kind to be thoughtful to her feelings. She will be sad not to go. Her mother is a cf isn’t she!

When on a mission, we leave no one behind. Think this should apply to blended family's too. Obviously if logistics and costs can be sorted.

I understand why you wouldn’t take an extra kid but I would consider the ages of the kids, if they are a very similar age, from your DSD’s perspective I can understand if she might feel left out. Not your problem 100% but I’d consider it if she’s not too difficult to manage. I have a “step-dad” who refuses to be a grandparent to my kids, in name and effort, and think it’s really sad.

There’s a really easy solution to this. OP takes her DSD with her to Disney……if the ex takes both of the OP’s DC’s to Greece. After all, if it isn’t fair that DSD doesn’t get to go to Disney, it isn’t fair that OP’s DCs don’t get to go to Greece!

Or, do some of the posters on here think that the DSD is entitled to go to both holidays, but her half siblings are only entitled to go to one?

You're not doing anything wrong, OP. Your mum has organised and is paying for a trip for her grandchildren; you're going as well. It's that simple.

If SD didn't have a mother or holidays of her own, sure, maybe reconsider your position. But she does have a mother she lives with at least half the time, if not more, and goes on holidays that her half siblings (your DCs) don't go on, too.

If your husband, her father, was coming, that too would be different. But he's not. And he's not funding it, either. So I'm glad he's on your side in this, because there's nothing wrong with your side.

YABU

YOUR kids might be YOURS but she is YOUR kids' sibling. She would have a great time and build memories with all of them. Blended families are just that, not segregated by genetics. So YABU IMO.

I would say no as you're not married , you called him dp , it would be a legal minefield taking a child out of the country to US you are not legally related to .

YOUR kids might be YOURS but she is YOUR kids' sibling

Great! Il mention to dsd mum about taking them to Greece then next year with her. Perfect.

Ah, so we finally get to the bottom of it with regards DP attendance.. he wasn’t invited.

Send her a message asking if she can then take your children when she goes on holiday!

Just say no its your mums treat to you just having time with her grandchildren and daughter. Even your dh isn't invited :)

Clearly she has been your step child
for a very long time as all your children
are over 10 and have the same dad. Isn’t that long enough for your own mum to feel like she is her grand child too? It’s not a new relationship so as DSD you
would be feeling pretty left out.

That's completely different because the ex is not the OP's kids stepmother. She doesn't have them in her home for access.

She's not your kids stepmother.
You ARE her childs stepmother.

Op yanbu, you are entitled to take your kids away with your Mum. Your partner is not attending and isn't contributing financially so seems fairly simple. Yes DSD might be disappointed but she is going on holiday with HER Mum without her half siblings so it is fair. Blended families can be difficult to navigate and there is no right or wrong way to approach situations like this. Just get your dp to reply to ex that he isn't going and your Mum is paying so DSD won't be going due to finances and space constraints. He can do something nice with here while you are away, a great chance for some one on one time with her. Don't let other posters make you feel guilty. I come from a blended family and we had the same situation arise and I didn't feel jealous or hard done by when my step siblings went away with their family and I wasn't included and when I went away with my family my step sisters were happy for me too. We have still have a close relationship as adults so didn't harm us 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not everyone wants to go to Disney. Even as a kid the idea made me feel weird, a sort of uncomfortable, embarrassed squirmy feeling. (I blame that on my mum's friend's kids who were obsessed with Disney world/land and had a video of all the songs they did there.) I hate the idea even more as an adult!

A trip with your mother and children is perfectly acceptable.
The way your DSD's mother spoke to you is not acceptable.

Ask your children not bring up the holiday but if your SD does then remind her that she is going on holiday with her Mum too. Stick to that and stay nice. You are not mean.

Your husband might think of something nice to do with SD -like taking her to a show. (something he would do with any of his kids as a one off special treat by themselves.)

Including your DSD on family holidays when your husband also goes and when it is her time to be at your place is totally reasonable.

Also - it is normal that sometimes all kids go and sometimes one kid; sometimes some and sometimes none. That is normal family life. Children are not neglected if they do not receive exactly the same as a sibling as long as their needs are being met. This is what having siblings teaches and why. sometines, only children lack empathy.

I think its a tough one tbh OP. Like many have said it DSD GP’s were taking her on hols they wouldn’t take your kids so your SD would have that treat and not your kids. If your DP was going I’d say it wasn’t fair, but he isn’t. I’m saying this as a stepdaughter myself. Maybe bring her back some really lovely treats from Disney land so she knows you were thinking of her?

Of course the DSD GP's wouldn't be taking the OPs kids because the ex is not their stepmother, the kids don't go and stay with the ex X amount of days a week, they're not a part of her family life. The exes home is not the OPs kids second home.