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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:22

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:20

He hasn’t decided anything! He doesn’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do with our kids when what I’m doing will make their lives better!

It was never a trip for him to come on…. It was always being arranged with my mum so he’s not an idiot.

and dsd mums message wasn’t polite at all, it was passive aggressive.

Show quote history

out of curiously. Why do you think she might have bee passive aggressive?

a) because she’s an arsehole

b) that she was feeling aggrieved on behalf of her child..

?

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:22

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Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:23

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ButterCrackers · 27/08/2023 23:23

Inertia · 27/08/2023 23:21

They don't have to all be at Disney at the same time.

DSD's mum is clearly planning a planning for herself and her own daughter- she can plan for a Disney holiday rather than Greece whenever they'd planned to go.

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I thought you meant at the same time. Good idea on the mum taking her daughter another time to Disney instead of Greece.

Totaly · 27/08/2023 23:24

Ask DSD if your kids can go to Greece with her next year? I mean she wouldn’t wants kids to feel left out? DH wouldn’t be going in that holiday either.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:24

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:22

out of curiously. Why do you think she might have bee passive aggressive?

a) because she’s an arsehole

b) that she was feeling aggrieved on behalf of her child..

?

Show quote history

I’m 100% picking A.

Even if she was aggrieved on behalf of her child there is still a way to talk to people.

But even before today she’s still a A.

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

I understand that’s your opinion,

but I was asking OP- does OP think she was being passive aggressive because that was how she was feeling on behalf of her child.. ?

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 23:26

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 23:21

Of course not. But I think the thing here is how DSD thinks of OP. If she was surprised and hurt to be left out of the DLP trip, and I'm guessing she was seeing as she has asked to go and OP has tired not to talk about it in front of her, then she perhaps does view OP as a mother figure.

OP can do what she wants with her children, of course she can, but if her DSD ends up getting hurt then I can't understand why she just wouldn't include a child she has known and (step) parented for at least 12 years. Seems like a very odd hill to die on.

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As has been explained many times, this is grandma’s trip. She is getting older. She wants to go to DLP with her grandkids, who she has a bond with, not worry whether DSD, who she doesn’t have a bond with, is feeling left out because her mum and dad aren’t there.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:26

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:25

I understand that’s your opinion,

but I was asking OP- does OP think she was being passive aggressive because that was how she was feeling on behalf of her child.. ?

Show quote history

You don’t get to talk to people like shit because you aren’t happy with something.
It doesn’t matter what it is.

OP posts:
Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

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Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 23:27

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Yes I have assumed that, based on the fact that OP didn't tell her about the trip she found out on accident and asked her mum to see if she could come along.

I am honestly at a loss though to see why OP wouldn't just let her come. She has know her such along time, it seems harsh to exclude a child who wants to be involved.

ButterCrackers · 27/08/2023 23:27

Ask her when has she had her daughters step siblings invited on a holiday with her parents or other close family? The answer will be never. Ask her when she intends to do this and if not why not?

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:28

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:26

You don’t get to talk to people like shit because you aren’t happy with something.
It doesn’t matter what it is.

Show quote history

I wasn’t meaning to defend her being rude, I was just wondering whether you thought she might be upset on behalf of her child.
And if she is upset on behalf of her child, what might be the reason for that?

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:29

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TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 23:31

Neither of her parents are going so she doesn't get to go, it's very simple.

Puppalicious · 27/08/2023 23:32

@mumyes you literally started this by saying the OP should put her kids needs before her on, when she putted out she wasn’t her kid, you made sarky remarks about her making that abundantly clear and not understanding blended families - which would indicate that you do think she should consider DSD her own.

a

Puppalicious · 27/08/2023 23:33

Sorry for typos! Obviously own not on and pointed out not putted out.

Totaly · 27/08/2023 23:34

I am honestly at a loss though to see why OP wouldn't just let her come. She has know her such along time, it seems harsh to exclude a child who wants to be involved

Don’t be daft, please of real siblings get opportunities that their brother/sister don’t.

OP isn’t obliged to take anyone else’s children, besides it’s expensive. It’s DSD dad that needs to deal with this and OP can stop feeling guilty.

Codlingmoths · 27/08/2023 23:36

It’s obviously fine to do this, especially considerign she is going to Greece next year and has other holidyas with her dad and op, but she is a child and I’d understand the upset. I’d very much expect her dad to do something special with her while you are gone- out to a movie just the two of them or skating or something they’d like.

paulaparticles · 27/08/2023 23:38

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Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:40

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Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:41

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Not sure what thread you are reading but I can’t see anywhere on the thread I got a kick out of it.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 23:41

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:17

That’s never ever going to be possible though!

I am entitled to do stuff with my kids in the times dsd isn’t here. Are you saying everything should be kept for times when dsd is here only incase she feels like she’s missing out?

So essentially my kids should miss out all the time….. never going to happen.

Show quote history

I think that’s exactly what that poster is saying. But equally, you must never, ever ‘overstep’ in your role as stepmother… I ASed that poster and she laid into a couple of women and told them to back off.

Basically, they’re best ignored. 😂

IVFfirsttimer91 · 27/08/2023 23:42

@RoarRoarBoom i don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s you and your mum taking your kids away. It would be different if it was a whole family holiday, but it isn’t.

Your step daughter should understand this if she is over 10 and knows that she goes on holiday with her mum without her half siblings.

It sounds like your partner is in agreement with you, so I’m sure he will text his ex and let her know that it wasn’t appropriate to ask and that on this occasion SD can’t come.

Kpo58 · 27/08/2023 23:44

I think that most children would want to go to Disney over Greece, especially if they are pretty much on their own with just other adults for company for the Greece holiday. It's really not the same if she hears how great Disney was and the shared experiences that her half siblings had compared to going on your own where you don't get to share the excitement.