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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 23:02

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:58

Actually in my experience it’s chock full of combative step mothers with a massive chip on their shoulder and a really bad attitude towards their SDC (and partner’s ex) spreading harmful and poisonous advice that it’s totally fine at all times to put yourself and your own DC first and to entirely dismiss the feelings and needs of your SDC, as it’s not your problem gov.

Show quote history

You’re just proving my point. As is @mumyes.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:05

No, it's about putting the needs of your children before your own. That's what you do as a responsible parent. End of!

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:06

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:59

Yes, if DSD went on about Greece, it’s possible OP’s dc would get jealous and ask why they don’t get to go to Greece, albeit with their own parents.

Why do you think that’s disingenuous? Kids want to go everywhere! I remember as a 6yo trying to invite myself along to a teenage siblings outing with friends. My parents found it hilarious but still said no.

Edited
Show quote history

I think the “albeit with their own parents” is the operative phrase here.
If SDC only wanted to go with her own mother then there would be no AIBU for OP to post.

Anyway there’s no point in going around in circles is there?

I cannot see how you can sincerely think the two situations are symmetrical/ the same (one where the family is blended; the other having no relationship) , but you are determined to say they are the same, so I suppose we might as well leave it there.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 23:06

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:58

Actually in my experience it’s chock full of combative step mothers with a massive chip on their shoulder and a really bad attitude towards their SDC (and partner’s ex) spreading harmful and poisonous advice that it’s totally fine at all times to put yourself and your own DC first and to entirely dismiss the feelings and needs of your SDC, as it’s not your problem gov.

Show quote history

Well, I’m not a DSM, as HQ can tell you. And no chip, poison or attitude
here.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:08

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 23:02

You’re just proving my point. As is @mumyes.

Show quote history

actually I think you are proving mine.

I don’t have an ex who I share kids with, who has a new partner, so I don’t fit your stereotype.
Are you perchance a stepmother?

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:08

@Milkkbottles as OP has made her abundantly aware!

If there were ever an action which said to a child 'you're not mine', this is it!

Poor kid.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:09

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:05

No, it's about putting the needs of your children before your own. That's what you do as a responsible parent. End of!

Right and I am putting the needs of my children first by taking them on holiday……

OP posts:
Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 23:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:09

@Hibiscrubbed yep, I don't fit your stereotype either! Try again! Confused

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 23:10

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:08

actually I think you are proving mine.

I don’t have an ex who I share kids with, who has a new partner, so I don’t fit your stereotype.
Are you perchance a stepmother?

Show quote history

Good god, no.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:10

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:08

@Milkkbottles as OP has made her abundantly aware!

If there were ever an action which said to a child 'you're not mine', this is it!

Poor kid.

But she’s not mine! She has a perfectly healthy mother who looks after her.

OP posts:
mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:10

@RoarRoarBoom - you appear to need an explanation of the concept of blended families.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 23:11

Neither of step daughters parents are going on this holiday, so she doesn't get to go.
Step daughter is going on holiday to Greece with her own mother next year and with her father alongside op and their shared children to two UK holidays this year.
Nothing wrong with any of that.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:11

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:10

@RoarRoarBoom - you appear to need an explanation of the concept of blended families.

Not every blended family has only one way of working… you clearly need a explanation on that too.

OP posts:
mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:12

In a see to your original Q. You ABU. And you know you are, otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 23:12

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:58

Actually in my experience it’s chock full of combative step mothers with a massive chip on their shoulder and a really bad attitude towards their SDC (and partner’s ex) spreading harmful and poisonous advice that it’s totally fine at all times to put yourself and your own DC first and to entirely dismiss the feelings and needs of your SDC, as it’s not your problem gov.

Show quote history

I think some stepmothers aren't great at considering the feelings of the children who came before them and seem to package these children up with their DPs ex partners as opposed to considering the relationship these children have with their DPs.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 23:12

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:06

I think the “albeit with their own parents” is the operative phrase here.
If SDC only wanted to go with her own mother then there would be no AIBU for OP to post.

Anyway there’s no point in going around in circles is there?

I cannot see how you can sincerely think the two situations are symmetrical/ the same (one where the family is blended; the other having no relationship) , but you are determined to say they are the same, so I suppose we might as well leave it there.

Show quote history

Because kids often can’t see beyond the immediate.

DSD may want to go now because her half-sibs are going, but it’s possible she wouldn’t enjoy it whilst there. She’d likely miss her mum and/or dad.

Just as OP’s dc wouldn’t enjoy a trip to Greece without their mum and dad.

There is symmetry, you just refuse to see it.

NotaDryEye · 27/08/2023 23:12

Does your DSD's mum pay for all your children to go away on holiday when she does?

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:13

@Runningonjammiedodgers

Well said

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 23:13

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 23:10

But she’s not mine! She has a perfectly healthy mother who looks after her.

Show quote history

And who takes her to Greece but selfishly doesn’t take your kids, too. Unbelievable. 😂

Ignore the few maniacs on here calling you names and expecting you and your mother to pay for a stepchild to attend a holiday attended by neither of her parents, the rational posters agree with you…

Tandora · 27/08/2023 23:13

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 23:10

Good god, no.

Show quote history

Well then maybe we just have different opinions, that are less about being female and scorned and more about a difference in perception/ values and how we judge situations .

Puppalicious · 27/08/2023 23:13

@mumyes are you genuinely saying if you split with the father of your children you would want any new partner of his to act like their mother? I would hate it. Be friendly and kind yes, but I wouldn’t want her to think of my children as hers! Nor can I imagine demanding she bring my children on a holiday their father isn’t going on.

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:13

NotaDryEye · 27/08/2023 23:12

Does your DSD's mum pay for all your children to go away on holiday when she does?

It's not about the money

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