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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:39

Shelby2010 · 27/08/2023 22:38

I don’t understand why DH didn’t just offer to pay for DSD to go with you in the first place. How many DC are there & what are their ages?

But that’s not the answer. This isn’t a whole family trip, this is a grandma wanting to treat her bonded grandkids.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:43

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:33

Then it’s also also fine for DSD to hear about this trip for her half-sibs with their grandma.

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I wonder why OP felt the need to so quickly change the subject when her DD brought the trip up then? 🤔🤔

If my DD’s friend was talking about her holiday to Disney land Paris I wouldn’t worry, for a second about changing the subject. Nor would her parents. Wouldn’t occur to us. 🤔🤔

ChateauMargaux · 27/08/2023 22:43

Maybe get DP to reply..

Maybe DSD misunderstood... that's not our family holiday, I am not going... DSD will be invited on our family holiday when we decide where we are going. RRB Disney is RRB's Mum's treat to RRB.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 22:45

mumyes · 27/08/2023 21:46

op, I think the issue here is that you didn't think carefully enough about this at the start.

You should have considered that DSD might have felt left out right at the start.

If you & your mum wanted to take some of the kids away, then maybe you should have planned something less flashy that DSD might have been less bothered about.

It amazes me that people get themselves into these situations! FGS! If you choose to blend your family then you should be trying your best to do it as well as you can. And I'm sorry but I don't think you have here.

Ding ding ding, we have a winner. 😂

Basilthymerosemary · 27/08/2023 22:47

Defo being reasonable to not bring DSD.

Reply back to her mother asking if your kids can go to the greece trip next year and see what her reply would be!!!

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:49

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:43

I wonder why OP felt the need to so quickly change the subject when her DD brought the trip up then? 🤔🤔

If my DD’s friend was talking about her holiday to Disney land Paris I wouldn’t worry, for a second about changing the subject. Nor would her parents. Wouldn’t occur to us. 🤔🤔

Show quote history

Because OP didn’t want to make a big deal of it in front of DSD.

It’s not a secret, and as DSD has a trip to Greece planned, it’s fine to hear of OP’s trip, but no need to go on about it.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:49

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:49

Because OP didn’t want to make a big deal of it in front of DSD.

It’s not a secret, and as DSD has a trip to Greece planned, it’s fine to hear of OP’s trip, but no need to go on about it.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 27/08/2023 22:50

Simple answer (as a SM myself I dont bother with the "treat them as you would your own kids.....unless they need telling off then stay out of it as they are NOT YOUR KIDS!" bullshit) your DH needs to message his ex with "No, unless you will take mine and @RoarRoarBoom 's kids to Greece with you next year".

Shelby2010 · 27/08/2023 22:50

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:39

But that’s not the answer. This isn’t a whole family trip, this is a grandma wanting to treat her bonded grandkids.

Show quote history

Assuming the OP has 2 kids, then grandma is only paying for herself and for one of them. Half of the cost is coming from family money.

Also I don’t think this was grandma’s dream holiday in the first place as it was the OP who researched & booked it. I think grandma is just chipping in with the costs - probably because DH didn’t fancy going.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/08/2023 22:51

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 22:45

Ding ding ding, we have a winner. 😂

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Lol. Why should the OP and her mother dumb down a holiday because of Dsd?
The dad isn't going!

This post makes no sense to me.

So the DSD gets to go on a lovely holiday to Greece but OP can't go with her own mother and kids somewhere lovely?

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:52

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:49

Because OP didn’t want to make a big deal of it in front of DSD.

It’s not a secret, and as DSD has a trip to Greece planned, it’s fine to hear of OP’s trip, but no need to go on about it.

Show quote history

So if SDC brought up Greece trip would it be sensitive enough to need for a quick change of subject?
would the other children really feel left out and ask their mother if they could go?
please stop being so disingenuous. You know the answer to these questions.
Anywayyys..

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/08/2023 22:53

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/08/2023 22:51

Lol. Why should the OP and her mother dumb down a holiday because of Dsd?
The dad isn't going!

This post makes no sense to me.

So the DSD gets to go on a lovely holiday to Greece but OP can't go with her own mother and kids somewhere lovely?

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@hibiscrubbed sorry meant to tag the original post you responded to!

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:54

Shelby2010 · 27/08/2023 22:50

Assuming the OP has 2 kids, then grandma is only paying for herself and for one of them. Half of the cost is coming from family money.

Also I don’t think this was grandma’s dream holiday in the first place as it was the OP who researched & booked it. I think grandma is just chipping in with the costs - probably because DH didn’t fancy going.

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OP says her mum has never been to WDWP and wants to go before she gets too old.

So because grandma can’t afford to pay for the full trip, she doesn’t get to feel good to contributing half for a trip away with her DGC?

I’m sure it means a lot to OP that her mum is making this gesture.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 22:54

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/08/2023 22:51

Lol. Why should the OP and her mother dumb down a holiday because of Dsd?
The dad isn't going!

This post makes no sense to me.

So the DSD gets to go on a lovely holiday to Greece but OP can't go with her own mother and kids somewhere lovely?

Show quote history

Because Mumsnet is chock full of combative female ex-partners whose children now have stepmothers, and who like to vent their spleen at their ex-partners and the stepmothers by attempting to tear strips off any stepmother who crosses their path by starting a thread about a stepchild*… at a (n) educated guess.

*NAMALT (not all mothers are like that, but lots are)

Boysnme · 27/08/2023 22:54

Inertia · 27/08/2023 22:22

Surely the mum can go to Disney instead of Greece- then all the children have been to Disney with their own mothers.

This! She can go with her own mother instead of to Greece.

MummyJ36 · 27/08/2023 22:54

What is the age gap between your kids and DSD? If she’s quite a bit older a I do get why you wouldn’t bring her. But if we’re talking a couple of years or less I can definitely see why she would feel left out.

If there’s no chance of her coming then I do think you need to try and understand how insensitive it could come across talking about this in front of her, accidental or not. Disneyland is a major thing for most kids. If it was somewhere else perhaps she wouldn’t be so bothered but I don’t know many kids who wouldn’t be incredibly excited to be offered a trip there and also incredibly upset to feel like they were being denied it when their siblings were getting the chance to go without them.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 22:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 22:56

Shelby2010 · 27/08/2023 22:50

Assuming the OP has 2 kids, then grandma is only paying for herself and for one of them. Half of the cost is coming from family money.

Also I don’t think this was grandma’s dream holiday in the first place as it was the OP who researched & booked it. I think grandma is just chipping in with the costs - probably because DH didn’t fancy going.

Show quote history

No it’s not because my DH ‘didn’t fancy Going’.

My mother was the one who brought the trip up in the first place. She did some basic research for costs and then I finalised it and booked it. It’s not her dream holiday obviously, it’s just a holiday with her grandkids. She offered to pay half as it was her idea and she doesn’t mind treating her grandkids.

My half is being paid for out of my money that I have left after paying my share of the family bills.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 27/08/2023 22:57

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:52

So if SDC brought up Greece trip would it be sensitive enough to need for a quick change of subject?
would the other children really feel left out and ask their mother if they could go?
please stop being so disingenuous. You know the answer to these questions.
Anywayyys..

Show quote history

Well in my family yes, and then again no.

It would have started a conversation about how we are a family but then we are also part of other families that do other things. That its ok for DSD to be havinga lovely holiday in Greece and for the Disney thing to be happening for the DC. It doesnt mean anyone is being left out but that we are all doing different things. But that if one person is having a nice big treat it isnt kind to show off about it.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:58

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 22:54

Because Mumsnet is chock full of combative female ex-partners whose children now have stepmothers, and who like to vent their spleen at their ex-partners and the stepmothers by attempting to tear strips off any stepmother who crosses their path by starting a thread about a stepchild*… at a (n) educated guess.

*NAMALT (not all mothers are like that, but lots are)

Show quote history

Actually in my experience it’s chock full of combative step mothers with a massive chip on their shoulder and a really bad attitude towards their SDC (and partner’s ex) spreading harmful and poisonous advice that it’s totally fine at all times to put yourself and your own DC first and to entirely dismiss the feelings and needs of your SDC, as it’s not your problem gov.

ButterCrackers · 27/08/2023 22:59

Boysnme · 27/08/2023 22:54

This! She can go with her own mother instead of to Greece.

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I see what you mean but … That might be stressful for the mothers and the grandmother to be on holidays together and having to be cheery for the kids. It would ruin the grandmother’s holiday for sure.

NeedTheSeaside · 27/08/2023 22:59

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2023 21:38

perhaps review what blended family means- at least one of the partners in the couple is a parent to each child. That’s not the case in the step daughters mums case is it? The children are not related to her or her partner, they’re not her family!

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@BungleandGeorge

but this trip has nothing to do with the Dad!

the OP iS going with her Mum & her children

the same as DSD is going away with her mum.

DSD's mum is rude. The correct thing to do would have been to say to DSD, no, the kids are going away with their mum like you're going away with me.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:59

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:52

So if SDC brought up Greece trip would it be sensitive enough to need for a quick change of subject?
would the other children really feel left out and ask their mother if they could go?
please stop being so disingenuous. You know the answer to these questions.
Anywayyys..

Show quote history

Yes, if DSD went on about Greece, it’s possible OP’s dc would get jealous and ask why they don’t get to go to Greece, albeit with their own parents.

Why do you think that’s disingenuous? Kids want to go everywhere! I remember as a 6yo trying to invite myself along to a teenage siblings outing with friends. My parents found it hilarious but still said no.

Grumpy101 · 27/08/2023 23:01

Nothing wrong with your plan. Why would your mother pay for a child she barely sees and is not related to her? DAD'S mum is being v cheeky.

mumyes · 27/08/2023 23:01

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