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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give anyones child a lift

130 replies

rainawf · 27/08/2023 11:56

Context: I’m very low right now, struggling through things and getting everything done regardless of how I feel, keep it hidden so people unlikely to even notice how depressed I am. I left my job for childcare reasons only and work a flexible part-time job so I can do pick ups and drop offs. I find mornings extremely stressful with 2 little kids (7 and 4), they bicker on way to nursery and school constantly

dilemma - a mother at DD’s school constantly makes hints how hard it is to get to work due to morning drop offs. I’m not remotely close with this woman and she seems like a user, only talks to me when she needs information about anything, she’s very sociable and this is not an excuse to talk to me she genuinely only acknowledges me when she needs something, I’ve been dodging any conversation when it comes to school drop offs so she hasn’t actually asked but hints a lot but I say I got to rush now chat later.

2nd dilemma - school had a parents event for my 4 year old so we can meet new parents, I got very friendly with one and invited her over for tea and she was telling me how difficult school run will be and if I can help her! First time meeting her, I didn’t say anything and said I will see how it is as I might go to work. I’m just dreading her asking again.

I have very low self esteem and can be a pushover. I really do not want to take anyones child. And before anyone says you might need their help - I’ve been in situations where I could ask people but I never will I don’t like imposing on people. I’ve done school drop offs and picks with a very sickly sibling and myself being very sick, I’ve caught taxis and buses when my car was in garage and would never ask anyone. So with the context and dilemmas what would you do?

OP posts:
Naominumbers · 27/08/2023 12:00

Just say no, OP. I am a reformed people pleaser and I know how difficult it can be but honestly, they sound like cheeky users. Who cares if they're annoyed. You're allowed to suit yourself.

Traceyislivid · 27/08/2023 12:01

Trot out the standard line, ‘I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me’.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 12:01

Sorry I can't is all you have to say...

FionnulaTheCooler · 27/08/2023 12:03

"No, I can't help, I've got enough on in the mornings with my own kids and getting organised to go straight to work after the school run." They can pay for breakfast club or a childminder like everyone else has to, you're not their free nanny.

Original poster
rainawf · 27/08/2023 12:03

@Naominumbers thank you. DH said to me “why not just give them a lift? It will make no difference to you”. But the fact I have to think of another persons child every morning is just annoying. I gave up a good career for my family and I know it sounds petty but why should I make total strangers life easier. But the people pleaser in me will at some point think no I’ll just do it.

OP posts:
ZombieBeryl · 27/08/2023 12:06

They are extremely rude to ask you. Stand firm and say 'no, it doesn't work for me'. You do not want the stress and mental load of having to do school runs for the child of a mere acquaintance.

Charrington · 27/08/2023 12:08

People who ask outright for these things, the first time they meet you, are going to have a much thicker skin than you op. Don’t think about how you would feel if you put yourself out there in a crisis and we’re told no, because it isn’t even vaguely similar.

But if they push stay vague, and don’t give excuses. People dismantle excuses. Just change the subject. Or if you need to be firm, instead of getting into a discussion, say “my answer isn’t going to change”.

I was only able to get tough on these requests because my autistic ds did not cope well with school people bleeding into home life because he needs clear boundaries. It was so much easier to be firm for his sake, but not so easy to prioritise my own mental health.

mibbelucieachwell · 27/08/2023 12:10

It's easy for your husband to tell you it'll make no difference to you. But it will slow you all down. Especially if you were to drop off and pick up from the child's home. And you'll feel under pressure to be bright and breezy when you have someone's else child with you.

On the other hand, it would be a huge help to the other parent. If they
returned the favour somehow it would work for you all, but only if they did something for you that made your life easier.

Cowlover89 · 27/08/2023 12:10

Just say no

QuillBill · 27/08/2023 12:10

Of course it will make a difference to you taking someone else's child to school. Your dh is wrong.

AmayaBuzzbee · 27/08/2023 12:11

OP, you are not being unreasonable. Best policy is to be direct and say ’no’ in a way that they know not to keep asking.

Positive41 · 27/08/2023 12:11

Say you can just about cope with your two kids, I can't help.

That's it.

TiramisuTastesDreamy · 27/08/2023 12:11

Sounds like they are chancing their luck. Unless it is going to be a mutually beneficial arrangement ie “If you do Mondays, I’ll do Wednesdays “ then you stand to gain nothing from this except the burden of helping them ….. they are not your family or close friends, you owe them nothing !

ShutTheFrontDoor · 27/08/2023 12:11

Say no, and don’t give in, you’ll regret it if you do.
The only time I ever did this was when a school mum took my ds one day a week and I took hers another day.

MumHereAgain2023 · 27/08/2023 12:12

Definitely say no. You made sacrifices in your career. They haven't. Why should they get your help. Just keep saying no
You don't need a reason.

Isheabastard · 27/08/2023 12:12

Practice using a response that feels comfortable for you, so that anytime you feel pressured it comes quickly to your tongue as a response.

It could be a simple no, or as suggested ‘that doesn’t work for me’. It could be a convoluted and detailed explanation of how your mornings are so busy you have everything timed to the last second. Or you could say you are about to change your working hours and will need to find a solution for yourself.

I’ve done lift sharing and unless you are the most relaxed and easy going person in the world (I’m not) then niggles and annoyance do creep in.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 12:13

rainawf · 27/08/2023 12:03

@Naominumbers thank you. DH said to me “why not just give them a lift? It will make no difference to you”. But the fact I have to think of another persons child every morning is just annoying. I gave up a good career for my family and I know it sounds petty but why should I make total strangers life easier. But the people pleaser in me will at some point think no I’ll just do it.

Say no you can't take it on sorry.

IF you like the woman you could offer a swap so she does one morning you do the other IF that will help you out only.

Also you could say (IF you want the extra cash) you could do before school babysitting eg £13 and hour for those days- totally fair price and would show what she's asking of you. Then the extra hassle is compensated and will help out with the cash you lose by reducing hours.

cameldigits · 27/08/2023 12:14

I cannot imagine asking a stranger

This is their own family logistics that need to be worked out between them

Fair enough, ask for help in an emergency: car broke down, illness etc but not as a regular favour

Unless they're offering to share the load. You do Tuesday and they do Wednesday etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 12:14

Ps my mum used to pay a lady for before school child care it's totally fair and very unfair to ask for someone to do this for free without anything in return

mibbelucieachwell · 27/08/2023 12:14

With the context and dilemma I'd either grudgingly do it and resent it and be annoyed. Or I'd say no but annoy myself by feeling guilty for not doing it. And put myself down for not feeling able to. Blush

Original poster
rainawf · 27/08/2023 12:15

Thank you everyone. I just hate the feeling of when I try to get friendly with anyone they look at how I can be useful! It feels very hurtful when I feel people only get close when they think what I can do for them. Most of them see me as a SAHM and don’t realise I do actually work part time so they try to get me to help them out I feel.

OP posts:
cameldigits · 27/08/2023 12:15

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 12:14

Ps my mum used to pay a lady for before school child care it's totally fair and very unfair to ask for someone to do this for free without anything in return

Exactly

There are childminders and breakfast clubs for families like this

FineganFineagain · 27/08/2023 12:16

Don't fall into this trap. I did, so can tell you from experience that it becomes a real bone of contention, and when you finally say you cant/won't do it any more there's no gratitude for all that you did, just resentment that you stopped doing it.

Like you I gave up my career to be there for my DC, not to be there for other people's DC!

Cotswoldmama · 27/08/2023 12:17

Keep ignoring the hints, if they ask you out right just say no. I would never ask that of someone. I think I'd say something like, 'I can only just tolerate my own kids first thing in the morning, let alone someone elses!'

StripyHorse · 27/08/2023 12:22

Reciprocal lifts are fine.

Acquaintances asking you to do the school run for them but not offering to do their share - no. They are taking advantage of your decision to take a pay cut for the benefit of your family to save themselves the time and trouble.

If you have been on MN for a while you will have seen numerous situations where it starts of small (Topsy & Tim get dropped off at OPs once a week), then escalates - leaving OP wondering if they are unreasonable because they have told Topsy and Tim's mum that 'no, OP is not unreasonable for not collecting Topsy and Tim and doing the school run when her own DCs had chicken pox' or whatever.

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