To not want to give anyones child a lift

[rainawf]

Context: I’m very low right now, struggling through things and getting everything done regardless of how I feel, keep it hidden so people unlikely to even notice how depressed I am. I left my job for childcare reasons only and work a flexible part-time job so I can do pick ups and drop offs. I find mornings extremely stressful with 2 little kids (7 and 4), they bicker on way to nursery and school constantly

dilemma - a mother at DD’s school constantly makes hints how hard it is to get to work due to morning drop offs. I’m not remotely close with this woman and she seems like a user, only talks to me when she needs information about anything, she’s very sociable and this is not an excuse to talk to me she genuinely only acknowledges me when she needs something, I’ve been dodging any conversation when it comes to school drop offs so she hasn’t actually asked but hints a lot but I say I got to rush now chat later.

2nd dilemma - school had a parents event for my 4 year old so we can meet new parents, I got very friendly with one and invited her over for tea and she was telling me how difficult school run will be and if I can help her! First time meeting her, I didn’t say anything and said I will see how it is as I might go to work. I’m just dreading her asking again.

I have very low self esteem and can be a pushover. I really do not want to take anyones child. And before anyone says you might need their help - I’ve been in situations where I could ask people but I never will I don’t like imposing on people. I’ve done school drop offs and picks with a very sickly sibling and myself being very sick, I’ve caught taxis and buses when my car was in garage and would never ask anyone. So with the context and dilemmas what would you do?

I saw this on the running partner thread. I think this is the jist of it and apologies to the original author for the steal.

Better a moment’s embarrassment than a lifetime’s resentment

Say no sorry I can’t and smile then change the subject. It will be like ripping the plaster off.

If you search there will be hundreds of similar threads about CF(cheeky fuckers) taking the piss with lifts to /from school, clubs, brownies, swimming etc. It never ends well so save yourself the pain.

Don’t do this - learn from my mistake.
Response 1: I cannot fit in a third child seat in the back of my car and for me safety is paramount…(pause)…I don’t compromise that, ever.
Response 2: Gosh, I must introduce you to X, who at a parents’ event at school, suggested she is also looking for someone to do school runs. You’d be perfect for each other.

@WaltzingWaters IMO, as someone who suffers similar issues to the OP, you,ve got summarised the situation very well. It's taking advantage of OP unless the intention is to reciprocate.

Practice saying:

I know it’s tough fitting it all in, isn’t it? I can’t help because I have so much going on already trying to get the two of mine to school and then fit in my work.

If they persist (which would be really rude) then you can be ruder back.

No, I really can’t help at all.
…
As I said, I can’t help.
….
You need to stop pressuring me because I cannot help.

Repeat as needed.

I agree with this approach and find it works really well because you're basically agreeing with them.

"Yes, I understand, it's really hard working and fitting in drop off. I can barely cope with my own, I wish I could ask someone to help me" V hard for someone to argue back to

Don't do it, OP, it will do nothing but add time or stress to your mornings and these types NEVER reciprocate. I got suckered in by someone similar and the one time I had a genuine emergency, she refused to help.

Would you do it if they paid you?
You could set a rate (whatever you like - find out what local childminders charge for this kind of service and decide if you'd want the same amount, or more) and get registered as a childminder. Next time someone drops these sort of hints you can tell them your fees.

Agree dont get into it. I stupidly did. It was never a one off either (kids sport). Now the mams bring their own. Less hassle. Emergency is different. This mam was a cf

Absolutely not. I was completely taken advantage of and it was difficult to extricate myself. (Wouldn’t be now 😁but I was younger and a people pleaser).

Nobody has to do things for other people they don't want to do, and you're suffering from low mood, so you need to look after yourself.

Personally, I really don't understand this Mumsnet thing about giving someone a lift to the same place you're going being a massive deal. And I have to say I don't understand why you wouldn't have asked for help in the scenarios you describe.

She's a user. She knew she would have to do the school run. How can she now say it will be hard. Was having to do the school run for the school she enrolled her child at a huge surprise to her? No it wasn't. She just sees you as a soft touch. Definitely say no

Absolute no from me! The pressure of running late and having to pick up someone else's kid is just stress you don't need. That's a big responsibility and I wouldn't take it on

If you don't stand firm now it will get worse.
When there are teacher training days they will just dump the dc on you.
When their dc are ill they may send them rather than miss work and potentially make your dc unwell.
Coming earlier/later than agreed which start to happen as they take more and more advantage.
Be strong.Be firm.every time you begin to waiver think of your points above and simply say no.You don't owe them anything.don't do it as a one off either ,that's just a c.f. Getting a step in the door.
Print out all the support replies on here and tape to your fridge to remind yourself you are doing the best thing for you and your family by saying no.

If your H is so keen to help out tell him to sort out transportation for these strangers.

As for the CFs:

”Sorry that doesn’t work for me - xxx has a good childminder, perhaps ask her for details?”

Totally unreasonable and cheeky for them to ask you. It's their responsibility to sort (and pay for!) before school childcare.

Someone so blunt will be used to being told no, so just tell them you can't. They obviously didn't care how you would feel being put in that position.

Bloody annoying your DH expects you just to do it, total lack of appreciation for the mental load of being responsible for someone else's child.

My standard line is ‘I don’t want the responsibility of another child’. It has nothing to do with convenience and everything to do with not wanting to be beholden to the care of another child WHO IS NOT MINE.

I totally understand what you're saying.
There's being supportive towards other parents and then the ball ache of being tied to other people's needs especially if you have to go out of your way....or they're taking the piss.

Just tell them that although you do flexible hours it not nessassarily means you're available to do schol runs all the time and would prefer to not have the worry of letting people down last minute.

Tell anyone who asks that you only have child seats for your two and no room for any more .

Slightly different but I ended up giving two colleagues a lift to and from work and it drove me bananas constantly having to wait for them, confer on who was on a course or ill etc. I also really missed having time to myself at the beginning and end of the day. In the end I just said it didn’t work for me anymore and in an emergency I would help out but not daily. You are in danger of the FED principle becoming your reality- FED is a Favour becomes an Expectation that then becomes a Demand.

just say no.

I'm puzzled because you say these people see you as a stay at home mum. Why? Why would new people in your life see you as a stay at home mum when you work.

If they make the wrong assumption why not put them straight.

You are assuming that they are being stretched by their career/employer in the mornings and that you are not. They might have completely flexible working but just fancy getting started earlier and finishing earlier. After all they are managing at the moment. Either way it's not your problem.

I have a friend that will help anybody with anything despite being a busy mum. She regularly gets users taking the piss. I don't ask her for anything/very rare over the years and nothing that I wouldn't do in a hearbeat for her and I try to be a good friend.

I on the other hand try to only help people I believe would help me. Not in a calculating way but I resent putting myself out for people that wouldn't lift a finger to help me. I'd do anything I could for the friend above because she is a giver not a taker. Whatever I could do for her she would try to reciprocate.

Don't let the attitudes of these people trying to take advantage of you put you off making parent friends. Many also have good boundaries and are self sufficient - some are givers and you won't take advantage I them. You have spotted the users from the get go. Don't waste time worrying about them. They aren't spending time worrying about you.

I disagree with your husband that it's not a big deal. Taking a child once because their mum has the dentist is not a big deal. Taking them every day is a very big deal.

This has the potential to get complicated when your dd is off etc. far better just to say you aren't able to do it from the start. Invent a reason if you feel you need to

I can't believe there are people this cheeky. I'm all for helping each other out when you need it but I wouldn't want a stranger taking my kids to school and I wouldn't dare ask someone I hardly knew.

I did this once with another family, but I was so clear with my expectations of how it would work. I agreed to do the morning run, she would do the home time run. I said I would arrive at a specified time, and the child had to be standing on the doorstep with all clothes on, all bags etc in hand. I made it very clear that I would be precisely on time, and if he wasn't there, I wouldn't stop the car, and she would have to get him to school herself. I had to go without him once or twice the first few weeks, but after that he was ALWAYS there. I was confident that my own (very organised) child would never keep her waiting at the end of the day, and it was wonderful for me not to have to do two runs. So it all worked well for two years!
No way would I have agreed if I was getting nothing in exchange

I wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole and your DH isn’t being helpful by saying you can just do it! Ignore hints and say, no-I don’t want to do that, if asked directly.

I'd say no for reasons such as what if you're children are sick, you're sick, you have appointments, other obligations, say sometimes you drop OH to work so leave early, etc