To not want to give anyones child a lift

[rainawf]

Context: I’m very low right now, struggling through things and getting everything done regardless of how I feel, keep it hidden so people unlikely to even notice how depressed I am. I left my job for childcare reasons only and work a flexible part-time job so I can do pick ups and drop offs. I find mornings extremely stressful with 2 little kids (7 and 4), they bicker on way to nursery and school constantly

dilemma - a mother at DD’s school constantly makes hints how hard it is to get to work due to morning drop offs. I’m not remotely close with this woman and she seems like a user, only talks to me when she needs information about anything, she’s very sociable and this is not an excuse to talk to me she genuinely only acknowledges me when she needs something, I’ve been dodging any conversation when it comes to school drop offs so she hasn’t actually asked but hints a lot but I say I got to rush now chat later.

2nd dilemma - school had a parents event for my 4 year old so we can meet new parents, I got very friendly with one and invited her over for tea and she was telling me how difficult school run will be and if I can help her! First time meeting her, I didn’t say anything and said I will see how it is as I might go to work. I’m just dreading her asking again.

I have very low self esteem and can be a pushover. I really do not want to take anyones child. And before anyone says you might need their help - I’ve been in situations where I could ask people but I never will I don’t like imposing on people. I’ve done school drop offs and picks with a very sickly sibling and myself being very sick, I’ve caught taxis and buses when my car was in garage and would never ask anyone. So with the context and dilemmas what would you do?

Giving a clear, firm "No", however politely you say it, is often hard the first time but please believe me that it gets easier each time you say it. People tend to think twice in future.

Someone mentioned "sorry that doesn't work for me" and I use that often in other circumstances. Don't get involved in explaining why - just add "Hope you manage to get this sorted though" and change the subject or make a quick exit.

Saying no is a good life skill to acquire. And don't listen to your husband trying to guilt you into it - he can mind his own business whilst you deal with your own children. Or he can pick up the slack if he prefers... 🌹

Just to say OP, I don't think they're necessarily just using you for help with drop offs. I'm sure the mum you had coffee with was genuinely pleased to have made your acquaintance and had coffee with you. But I expect on the surface, school run looks easier for you because of your circumstances surrounding work, especially if she works full time, and maybe if she is really struggling it just seemed like a good opportunity to get some help. She probably didn't really think it through about the impact it would have on you and maybe, like your DH, didn't consider the burden it would place on you.
The reason I say this is because I would hate for you to assume she was using you and not interested in being friends just because she was clumsy/awkward. You sound really lovely and I'm sure she would want to be you friend lifts or no lifts for the kids. X

Just say 'no sorry, (little laugh) I can only just get mine out on time and get to work I absolutely can't factor anyone else in'.
Then say 'why don't you ask at school reception, they might be able to help'.

Stand firm. I was that pushover but soon was wiser.

They take take and then start to expect and don't offer back. Always the same.

Cheeky mums trying to make their lives easier at the cost of your mental well-being.

Don't start it's hard to back out.

Later with after school friends, if parents ask for a play date after school, ask before you commit. say 'let's sort out some reciprocal dates shall we. Do you have your diary? When would suit you for X (your child's name) to come to play?'
After this has been agreed then sort out a date after this date for their child to come back to your house.

Honestly I've been taken for a child minding mug so often. Insisting on reciprocal arrangements at the point of being asked works the best.

How about "oooh, no thanks, that sounds awful". They may realise what a shit deal they are trying to negotiate with you.

Well the hinting is easy - you just play dumb and ignore.

If your asked outright, I say I have way too much on my plate with my own two on a morning and it wouldn't work. If they keep pushing just keep with, no that wouldn't work for me.