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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give anyones child a lift

130 replies

rainawf · 27/08/2023 11:56

Context: I’m very low right now, struggling through things and getting everything done regardless of how I feel, keep it hidden so people unlikely to even notice how depressed I am. I left my job for childcare reasons only and work a flexible part-time job so I can do pick ups and drop offs. I find mornings extremely stressful with 2 little kids (7 and 4), they bicker on way to nursery and school constantly

dilemma - a mother at DD’s school constantly makes hints how hard it is to get to work due to morning drop offs. I’m not remotely close with this woman and she seems like a user, only talks to me when she needs information about anything, she’s very sociable and this is not an excuse to talk to me she genuinely only acknowledges me when she needs something, I’ve been dodging any conversation when it comes to school drop offs so she hasn’t actually asked but hints a lot but I say I got to rush now chat later.

2nd dilemma - school had a parents event for my 4 year old so we can meet new parents, I got very friendly with one and invited her over for tea and she was telling me how difficult school run will be and if I can help her! First time meeting her, I didn’t say anything and said I will see how it is as I might go to work. I’m just dreading her asking again.

I have very low self esteem and can be a pushover. I really do not want to take anyones child. And before anyone says you might need their help - I’ve been in situations where I could ask people but I never will I don’t like imposing on people. I’ve done school drop offs and picks with a very sickly sibling and myself being very sick, I’ve caught taxis and buses when my car was in garage and would never ask anyone. So with the context and dilemmas what would you do?

OP posts:
SpunkyGibbon · 27/08/2023 12:22

Bloody cheeky of them , you didn't give up your job to make theirs easier
The constant hinting would do my head in
Say no, no explanation, no agreeing to occasionally, a straight no

Problesolving · 27/08/2023 12:23

Ignore the hint or say there are a couple if childminders that cover the school maybe try them.

Definitely don’t start this. I’m a sahm and I wouldn’t do that. With my older child I often alternate who does pick/up drop off with another family and in an emergency I have taken other children but they’ve always been happy to return the favour.

GolgafrinchamB · 27/08/2023 12:25

Cotswoldmama · 27/08/2023 12:17

Keep ignoring the hints, if they ask you out right just say no. I would never ask that of someone. I think I'd say something like, 'I can only just tolerate my own kids first thing in the morning, let alone someone elses!'

Or agree with them, OP - "Yes, it's a nightmare! I am barely surviving getting the two of the sorted and dropped off. Thank god I stopped at two kids."

Original poster
rainawf · 27/08/2023 12:26

It wouldn’t be reciprocal as I wouldn’t ask them as I would worry about a stranger taking my kids. My youngest in particular would run off so I would worry. You have to drive to get to the school and park up and I wouldn’t feel comfortable someone taking my youngest as he would need his hand held whilst crossing road etc.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2023 12:27

“Sorry, I’ve got other commitments around school run time” and change the subject.

I know what you mean. I never asked for favours like that. My kids, my responsibility.

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 12:27

These people aren't even your friends! You don't owe them a thing.

What they are asking has a significant monetary value to them.

They'll be at work earning money and be saving money on childcare at the same time- meanwhile you're getting absolutely nothing in return.

Would you give hundreds of pounds a month to an acquaintance? I certainly wouldn't.

Tell them your plate is full in the mornings, and you hope they can find a childminder.

Then don't give them another thought.

I can't believe they didn't even offer to pay you.

Original poster
rainawf · 27/08/2023 12:27

My anxiety would stop me from asking them to return the favour so it would definitely just be me driving their kids to school not other way around.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 27/08/2023 12:27

Just say no. I found being nice and giving one lift to sport she was expecting it weekly..... ! Yeh not nice being used.

Candleabra · 27/08/2023 12:28

FineganFineagain · 27/08/2023 12:16

Don't fall into this trap. I did, so can tell you from experience that it becomes a real bone of contention, and when you finally say you cant/won't do it any more there's no gratitude for all that you did, just resentment that you stopped doing it.

Like you I gave up my career to be there for my DC, not to be there for other people's DC!

Exactly this. Particularly the ungratefulness when you stop. They think you’re a pushover they can use. People respect you more when you have clear boundaries. Just say no. Or change the subject. Don’t apologise either.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 27/08/2023 12:28

You have to be really firm the first time it comes up. No ‘I’ll have a think’ or ‘I could maybe try…’. It needs to be totally clear that you are not going to be an option for them. ‘That definitely won’t work for me.’

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 12:29

Next time she 'hints' cut it off at the pass.

'It is hard isn't it? I wish I could offer to help but I simply couldn't handle one more thing in the morning. CHANGE TOPIC.'

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2023 12:30

Hell no
School drop off and pick ups aren’t a surprise- sort your own lives out ffs

WinchSparkle80 · 27/08/2023 12:31

Just don’t do it, from bitter experience.

coconutpie · 27/08/2023 12:32

The neck of people asking you as soon as they meet you!!

Response:
I don't run a childcare service so I'm confused as to why you are asking me if I can help.

If they respond with oh but you're doing nothing else etc...

Response:
I am very busy with my own family and commitments, again I do not run a childcare service.

Further response if they go on:
No, that doesn't work for me.

AnonyLonnymouse · 27/08/2023 12:42

Unless the other mums seeking childcare are actually your sisters or your closest local friends, it needs to be a hard 'no'.

In five years time I bet they won't even be sending you a Christmas card; but they will have benefitted from five years of salary, pension contributions and career progression. These users can make their own arrangements.

Don't do it. You know you don't want to. Stand firm.

Wingingit11 · 27/08/2023 12:46

Just don’t bite OP. Mornings are stressful for most people
and one more is a lot to ask!
can you say an extra car seat won’t fit if you want an easy out ?

Iamonholiday · 27/08/2023 12:48

I had this when I was a SAHM mum and my neighbour worked full time. I’d given up my job and therefore my salary as I had quite a few small children and she asked me if her reception age son could come over each morning for half an hour before school and then walk with us. It was hard enough getting us all out of the house in the morning without another child. I just said I couldn’t do it all the time but would help in an emergency. She wasn’t intending to pay me and I’m not a childminder.

PenguinPete · 27/08/2023 12:51

"No excuse to talk to me"
Maybe she just thinks she can relate to you...

TimetoPour · 27/08/2023 12:55

These people are CFs. Do not feel bad and do not give them any wiggle room.

  1. That won’t work for me.
  2. It is enough of a challenge trying to get my own two to school.
  3. I have other commitments around that time.
  4. There are plenty of childminders locally that offer this service

Give an inch and they will take a mile.

landbeforegrime · 27/08/2023 12:57

"Actually I gave up my career and took a part time job to do the school runs so to make ends meet / make up for the lost income i am thinking of setting up as a child minder for wrap around care. I'd like to work on that and seeing if it's viable so can't really commit to helping anyone else out unless it's an absolute emergency or a one off."

Legoninjago1 · 27/08/2023 12:57

Yanbu. Just say no. Having someone else- a stranger no less - rely on you to get their child to school every day is actually a big commitment to take on. I'm surprised your DH doesn't see that. I definitely wouldnt need that of a morning on top of everything else.

Boomboom22 · 27/08/2023 13:01

If they ask tell them your rate. Seriously. Make it more than breakfast club to be unappealing. At least £3 a day per child, more if they are eating bfast. Or say oh which days can we share and make it super clear it I 1 day for 1 day. Otherwise just laugh and say haha, I can barely get my own out of the door and to work my pt hours, same boat here.

WaltzingWaters · 27/08/2023 13:01

You changed your work situation to benefit YOUR family. Not random peoples. They’re absolute CF’s for even asking. If it were either a one time emergency they were asking about, or a reciprocal arrangement that would benefit you also that’s fine, but otherwise be firm and say “sorry, that doesn’t work for me”. The end.

Gargantuan2023 · 27/08/2023 13:02

So cheeky, op! It costs me £7.50 per hour for school drop off and pickup. I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone else to do it except a very close friend or family member as a rare occasion.

Just say, ‘unfortunately, that won’t work for us. ‘
You don’t need to offer a reason why to an acquaintance but if they push and you want to, you could say, ‘I am too stretched in the mornings getting my two ready and getting to work on time.’ I don’t like saying no as a people pleaser but think if the situation were reversed, how they would respond in all likelihood. Also, the more you stand up for or yourself, the easier it becomes!
💐

Boomboom22 · 27/08/2023 13:02

Also if you need it do ask for 1 offs. It is obvious who the cf are and people don't mind, say for an emergency.

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