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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give anyones child a lift

130 replies

rainawf · 27/08/2023 11:56

Context: I’m very low right now, struggling through things and getting everything done regardless of how I feel, keep it hidden so people unlikely to even notice how depressed I am. I left my job for childcare reasons only and work a flexible part-time job so I can do pick ups and drop offs. I find mornings extremely stressful with 2 little kids (7 and 4), they bicker on way to nursery and school constantly

dilemma - a mother at DD’s school constantly makes hints how hard it is to get to work due to morning drop offs. I’m not remotely close with this woman and she seems like a user, only talks to me when she needs information about anything, she’s very sociable and this is not an excuse to talk to me she genuinely only acknowledges me when she needs something, I’ve been dodging any conversation when it comes to school drop offs so she hasn’t actually asked but hints a lot but I say I got to rush now chat later.

2nd dilemma - school had a parents event for my 4 year old so we can meet new parents, I got very friendly with one and invited her over for tea and she was telling me how difficult school run will be and if I can help her! First time meeting her, I didn’t say anything and said I will see how it is as I might go to work. I’m just dreading her asking again.

I have very low self esteem and can be a pushover. I really do not want to take anyones child. And before anyone says you might need their help - I’ve been in situations where I could ask people but I never will I don’t like imposing on people. I’ve done school drop offs and picks with a very sickly sibling and myself being very sick, I’ve caught taxis and buses when my car was in garage and would never ask anyone. So with the context and dilemmas what would you do?

OP posts:
Acheyknees · 27/08/2023 16:20

Don't be pushed into anything you don't want to do OP. I was asked by a fellow school mum for lifts for her daughters. I agreed as she was lovely and did a few favours for me. What a nightmare it turned out to be!! Whereas my kids just got in the car and sat normally throughout the short journey home, her kids were a nightmare!! They would fight over who sat on the blue booster seat rather than the red one, whoever sat on the red one would sulk, kick and moan all the way home. Once I got to their home they would then proceed to run off down the road giggling thinking it was great fun. I soon stopped giving lifts!

WimpoleHat · 27/08/2023 16:24

Just be breezy - “oh gosh - it’s a nightmare, isn’t it. I barely manage to get my own two out in one piece and on time. If you find someone to help, do let me know - I’d happily pay for a bit of help with that myself.”

CFs often hint and hint in the hope that you’ll offer. Don’t. If they actually come out with the CF request, look slightly bemused/offended and say “goodness me - that wouldn’t work for us at all.” And change the subject.

BoogLoaf · 27/08/2023 16:25

I'd reply in mock horror 'oh my god no, I can barely get out in the mornings with the two I've got!!! Have you checked at school I think they might do a breakfast club, or a childminder?' then change the subject.

I agree with all the previous comments.

When they don't need you any more you'll be dropped like a stone.

I used to give a lift to a lad in my son's football team. Did it for years, picking up from here and there, dropping off. Then when my son stopped going because he was ill I realised after a while she never even texted to ask where or how he was. I vowed never again. He's rejoined the team but I don't engage any more.

Users!!!

I've been there and toughened up over the years, it's sad but you just get used, saving them money but stressing yourself in the process.

FinallyMrsE · 27/08/2023 16:25

As a SAHM I’ve had to get tough on this, I do every school run and most parents know I’m not working so the amount of requests i get is ridiculous, I think I’d have a different child every day of the week, I just remind people that I make lots of sacrifices to be a stay at home mum and I make them for my family not to allow other people to save money on childcare. People do understand when I spell it out but it was frustrating for a while.

be tough and just explain what you’ve said here about stressful mornings and if they keep pushing after that they are not worth being friends with.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 16:27

rainawf · 27/08/2023 12:03

@Naominumbers thank you. DH said to me “why not just give them a lift? It will make no difference to you”. But the fact I have to think of another persons child every morning is just annoying. I gave up a good career for my family and I know it sounds petty but why should I make total strangers life easier. But the people pleaser in me will at some point think no I’ll just do it.

I think your DH is a twat, he’s not the one doing the lifts, so it’s wasy for him to say.

Whose idea was it for you to work part time, his or yours?

Does he do his share fair share of housework and childcare?

DixonD · 27/08/2023 16:29

I used to take one of my daughter’s classmates on a regular basis but I stopped because I missed the time I had just with her, chatting about her day. It will make a difference to you. Don’t do it!

Monster80 · 27/08/2023 16:31

You could say yes - I can do morning drop offs - if you can do evening picks ups for my two? It has to be an open exchange from the beginning, not allowing resentment to build with an absolute stranger. Essentially a slightly more stressful morning for a very easy evening. I’ve always found kids morning whiny after school (tired/hungry).

Blondewithredlips · 27/08/2023 16:32

Both are CF. OP don't do anything for them and put your mental health first.

Mmhmmn · 27/08/2023 16:33

Traceyislivid · 27/08/2023 12:01

Trot out the standard line, ‘I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me’.

Totally this. "That won't work for me". Optional: .."and my mornings are already difficult"

I can't stand cheeky fuckers like that. Why can't they sort their own shit out?!

OP, trust your instinct and do not set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Mmhmmn · 27/08/2023 16:34

Alright for your DH to say that - they're not asking him to drive their kids around 🙄

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 16:41

If dh mentions it say you will pass her his number and he can drop her dc off.

InSpainTheRain · 27/08/2023 16:41

Don't leave the possibility of you helping her open. If she says can you help say something like "ha ha no way, difficult enough with my own two, sorry". If they drop hints then should come out and be clear, it'll shilut the convo down "yes it is difficult isn't it, but not something I'd take on for love or money my own two are tricky enough". Soften any blows with a little laugh. If they pester and outright "God! No way!" (Sound incredulous they asked).

Bonbon21 · 27/08/2023 16:43

Your husband saying one more child to drop off wont make any difference translates to it wont make any difference to him... so dismiss that remark.
As far as anyone else... you say it doesnt suit YOU... and offer no reasons... no discussions...
Who cares what these people think of you... they are not relevant.
And when the subject arises, you tell them you have other commitments... no details... no negotiations...
If they are genuinely interested in becoming a friend they will take the hint and chat about other things... if not.. they are not worth your thoughts...
You do you... you do not have to justify yourself to anybody else.

BoogLoaf · 27/08/2023 16:47

Their children are NOT your responsibility

If they're tough enough to ask, they tough enough to take a firm NO!

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 16:54

I would think any husband responding as the OP's did, particularly as she is not feeling her best, as a big red flag 🚩.

Does he share the load with you?

Does he make you feel loved, and valued.

My husband wouldn't have dreamed of disrespecting me or my work load by suggesting I look after another stranger's child.

You sound very vulnerable OP.

Tinklyheadtilt · 27/08/2023 16:54

Just say you can't do it. They can arrange their own childcare and drop offs

gogomoto · 27/08/2023 16:58

Remember sometimes people are looking for a solution that would be mutually beneficial ie they would offer money, but seeing if you could do it subtly. Also sometimes people are just saying the issues out loud and it's not specifically aimed at you

2weekstowait · 27/08/2023 17:01

Just say no. There will be days when you are running late, days when your child isn’t in the best of moods, days when things just aren’t going smoothly. The last thing you want is someone else’s child to constantly think about. I used to let children whose parents were at work come to mine after school one day a week and even that I got fed up with. By the time they had gone the house was a mess, dinner was late and I was glad to see the back of them. I had a baby at the time and in the end I just lied and said I couldn’t do it because my son’s activity had changed to be on that day because I found it hard to say no.

fairydust11 · 27/08/2023 17:07

Tinklyheadtilt · 27/08/2023 16:54

Just say you can't do it. They can arrange their own childcare and drop offs

Agree with this.

Also direct them to the before school and after school clubs if they ask again.

Illbebythesea · 27/08/2023 17:12

YANBU at all, mornings with young kids are stressful enough with the time constraints and inevitable bickering that comes with it. I am happy to help out friends in an emergency, like a sick sibling or the cars in the garage for 1-2 days max.

No way would I be agreeing to anything regular, why should I? Like you, I left my career to be a SAHM & I'm not going to put myself out to enable a stranger to continue theirs!

If you’re running late one day you’re going to be thinking ffs now I have to pick up x & be even later. No, just no!

Bluejaybean · 27/08/2023 17:16

In this situation I'd reply with something like "I find mornings really stressful too. It's an achievement for us to get out the door and get to school on time!" Letting people know that the school run isn't easy for you.
If the school offers a breakfast club you could suggest people look into that as well.

I have asked another mum for help once, when I had covid and my child was testing negative. And she collected him from the door, ready for school. I don't understand people that would try and get you to take thier kids to school long term for free just because you could. It's such a huge thing to ask of someone.

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/08/2023 17:19

Actually I would use that loads are asking as a reason. Say you can't really as you've had quite a few mums ask and had to say no as it's not fair over the other but if there's an emergency you don't mind helping

areyouhavinglaugh · 27/08/2023 18:18

I'm an older mum at school and do experience this with the younger mums 30/45

My stock response is

God I can barely get myself up let alone be responsible for any one else's kids

I HATE the school run too, I'd do anything to get out of it

I know it's so difficult, I pay huge amounts to not have to do it too

Mary46 · 27/08/2023 18:30

Great replies! I found with one when we said yes once.. just not worth it. Then people being late. No.

Wiii · 27/08/2023 18:32

Sorry that doesn't work for me but I hope you get something sorted. If they ask why not, say oh way too many reasons to explain, wouldn't know where to begin. Tinkly laugh. Done