To not want to give anyones child a lift

[rainawf]

Context: I’m very low right now, struggling through things and getting everything done regardless of how I feel, keep it hidden so people unlikely to even notice how depressed I am. I left my job for childcare reasons only and work a flexible part-time job so I can do pick ups and drop offs. I find mornings extremely stressful with 2 little kids (7 and 4), they bicker on way to nursery and school constantly

dilemma - a mother at DD’s school constantly makes hints how hard it is to get to work due to morning drop offs. I’m not remotely close with this woman and she seems like a user, only talks to me when she needs information about anything, she’s very sociable and this is not an excuse to talk to me she genuinely only acknowledges me when she needs something, I’ve been dodging any conversation when it comes to school drop offs so she hasn’t actually asked but hints a lot but I say I got to rush now chat later.

2nd dilemma - school had a parents event for my 4 year old so we can meet new parents, I got very friendly with one and invited her over for tea and she was telling me how difficult school run will be and if I can help her! First time meeting her, I didn’t say anything and said I will see how it is as I might go to work. I’m just dreading her asking again.

I have very low self esteem and can be a pushover. I really do not want to take anyones child. And before anyone says you might need their help - I’ve been in situations where I could ask people but I never will I don’t like imposing on people. I’ve done school drop offs and picks with a very sickly sibling and myself being very sick, I’ve caught taxis and buses when my car was in garage and would never ask anyone. So with the context and dilemmas what would you do?

Can you say....oh yes it is hard w drops offs in mornings I know

A friend was talking to me about exactly the same issue the other day

Here's the link for breakfast club/drop off person in area....hopefully that can help w your situation.....

So you don't have to say no......just point her where she needs to go....

Imagine saying yes and then how difficult it'll be to extricate yourself and your family from this.

Just don't do it. "Yes, it's so difficult juggling it all isn't it? I know some people use breakfast club or a childminder - what were you planning for Johnny?"

"No, I couldn't agree to that. Anyway, aren't the kids looking lovely back in their uniforms?" or whatever.

This is just not not not not your problem.

First of all, is your husband a complete moron that doesn't do anything with his own children, that he would say this to you?

Is he the reason your MH is poor?

What a really dumb response.

This is one of those situations where "momentary discomfort prevents long term frustration and resentment".

Have you their mobile numbers?

If you do text them a firm "absolutely not, I have enough on my plate with wfh and two children".

These people are 100% users.

Stand in front of your mirror and start practicing saying two things "that won't suit me" and "let me text you back about that".

These two things give you an out.

I was a sahm for 4 children and even though I am no pushover, I became very adept at brushing off the requests from nice friendly CF's.

It is hard to put into words what a complete PITA it is to be factoring in another childs transport.

I did it for a couple of weeks for a friend who was in hospital and it was a complete pain.

My children sometimes wanted to be in early or later for various reasons and it meant remembering to text the different time every other night.

Just more pressure on me.
I did it because it was a good friend.

Not a chance I would entertain it for a stranger.

This is only the beginning of it.
Dropping children to school is a pain, especially during the bad weather.

Absolutely no way would I get involved with such an enormous ask.

The sad truth is anyone I know who has ever done so said it was the most thankless, unappreciated favour that was difficult to offload.

Please stay strong and just say No to everything.

You will be saving yourself so much grief.

People who find it so easy to ask for huge favours are NEVER real friends.

These types are ALWAYS on the lookout for a pushover.

I have heard a top tip from one working mother to another pre starting primary school, "make friends with the sahp's".

It's a solid tip, but not if it is your phone number that is the one being used.

So many women work so in a class of 25+ children, you could easily be getting a favour from one or other every week.

I have had froends who lived near urban schools take to turning their phones off, such was the level of favour asking.

Hats off to you @rainawf - you've got your boundaries in place. As others have suggested you're in no way unreasonable in not wanting to be responsible for another child on the school run. I like the idea of having a response to any hints or outright requests - you can rehearse and then feel better about responding to suit you rather than feeling put on the spot. If you're feeling more confident you could head the request off before it's even asked by raising the subject yourself by text if you feel uncomfortable about face to face, eg " I got the feeling last time we meet you were asking if I can help with the morning school run. I want to be clear I'm not in a position to offer help. What with work, bickering children and the traffic I haven't got the spare capacity".

"School gate friendships" can be so transitory - I'm not in contact with any of the primary school Mums, in fact contact dropped away fast once DD moved to secondary school. I think school gate friendships are more like the work place. You may get on really well with colleagues but loose touch very quickly once someone moves on.

Slightly as an aside - I hope you're seeking help for your low mood and self esteem.

The thing is that they know nothing about you, so you can easily just say, "Oh sorry, I find it a struggle with these two and I go straight into work afterwards". The fact is that even the nicest child will be a pain sometimes if someone else is taking them to school. And then what happens if you take them eg on a set day and they're not well that day? Those women will ask you if you can babysit their child.

Keep away from anyone who asks you for a favour when they don't know you. They are classic CFs.

Also do not underestimate how the extra stress will impact your ability to care for your own children.

Also, when children are in school they sometimes want to bring a play date home after school.

How would you do that with a full car.

Also your ability to collect from school and go on somewhere else is compromised as you have responsibility for another child.

What about if your child wants to go from school to another activity directly?

What about if your child has a playdate so you don't have to collect, but then have to collect this other child?

There are so many reasons why its a disaster you have no business engaging with.

To all those saying charge - she would need to be registered as a childminder to do that!!

Stand firm OP, and say sorry but I am not able to help either.

I'm a sahm and always refuse to do collections for free for working mums. My view is that I'm sacrificing a salary to be able to do all school runs, and they are wanting to me to take on the role of collecting their dc to enable them to gain a salary - so effectively they are gaining my lost salary. I wouldn't hand that money over to the school mums so why on earth would I give up my time?

I might do it for a close friend with something reciprocal recieved - not necessarily sharing the school run but maybe there's something else they can do on a regular basis that woupd help you. But these are people you don't really know so yanbu to refuse.

If they ask because their mornings are very difficult, I'd say something along the lines of:

"Yes, I found that too. I decreased my working hours as it was all too much . I think I've found the perfect balance for
me now"!

Just say no honestly - in my experience there always gets a point where these things go a bit wrong. It's hard to manage other people's young children. I had one who I offered to help but she kept opening the car door and darting across the road.

Important to remember that in the non-Mumsnet world, people often give other people lifts.

No, no and no! Start replying with ‘yes I find it a pain too, it’s a real rush as I’ve always got something to get to or the kids need to be somewhere straight after school - never ending hey’ and end of conversation

Say No, and stand firm. Don’t even say you’ll help in an emergency, as there’ll always be an emergency.

I can't find the post but very recently someone gave this alive
A moment of acute awkwardness in exchange for ongoing resentment

Imagine agreeing to help out whilst she gets something sorted....you take child for a few days/week,then you say actually I can't pick X up tommorow as Y has an appointment ...OK, she's says, I'll see you Tuesday then. Nowyoure in a situation where you need to give a reason not to. You are the default lift...for the year! Nip this at the bud now! Maybe try text if you find f2f too much.

It absolutely will make a difference to you. I did it for a few months and it was tricky at times. There were mornings they weren't ready to go so I sat waiting for them and made my kids late. Mornings when my kids were running behind but I was in a panic to get out the door to pick up the other kid. Mornings when the other child was sick but they'd forgotten to tell me and I was ringing the doorbell/phone with no answer. Mornings when my own child was sick and I still left to take theirs so I didn't leave them in the lurch. It's an extra responsibility and it absolutely does make a difference to your day.

Yes, to friends and family, not to random people who ask for help when they don't even know you.

It's another child and another responsibility so I wouldn't accept the argument that it would make no difference. I used to give my son's friend a lift home and he was uncontrollable in the car.The police pulled me in one day as they though he had no seat belt on.The child cried , his mother cried, his father phoned me to ask why I hadn't been looking after him. Don't do it.
Watch Motherhood and focus on the Anne Flynn character.If all else fails tell them you go to the pub with the kids straight after school and don't get home until late.

This is what breakfast club is for. Whilst it was open I paid £6 per day to be able to drop DD off at school from 7.45, where they'd give her breakfast and I'd get to work on time.

Once that closed I paid another mum who happened to be a childminder to collect DD from our house and get her to school. That was £7.50 per day.

There are solutions out there that don't involve you!!

This is one way to avoid users, OP. Lots and lots of people will want to be your friend just because they like you. Don't let users make you bitter.

As hard as it is to say 'no' now - I promise you it's harder to stop it once you've started.

All the suggestions that are clear and firm are good. Just practice saying them out loud.

Sorry, that just won't work for us

We find mornings quite stressful and I absolutely can't factor in another child

Please don't ask again as it really doesn't work for me and you're making me feel pressured.

Etc

Maybe next time they raise it in a vague way, you can trot a slightly 'adapted' one of these out to nip things in the bud before it becomes a direct request.

"Yes it's a bloody juggle isn't it. We find mornings really difficult in our house, so I can't even consider factoring the responsiblity of another child in - in case you were going to ask"

or something.

But
STAND. YOUR. GROUND

Don't do it OP. You are who you are and you are not happy about this. I would not be either. j
Just say "I won't be able to do that" - no explanations or sorries or whatever. Your DH seems to be enabling your people pleasing. What is in it for him, and will he be supporting you if you try to be less so?

Even if you were a sahm, that would be a choice made for the benefit of your own family. Someone in MN years ago pointed out to me that if sahp pick up the childcare slack then wohp are deriving economic benefit from your unpaid labour.
Why would you make your own life harder to facilitate an easier life for people you barely know and owe nothing to? I doubt they are offering to share their wages with you!

Absolutely just say No!

I disagree with your husband and think he’s being unfair /not understanding- it will make a difference to you !

I would remind yourself of what you’ve said here - you gave up a good career to make your family life easier - NOT to make someone else’s life easier (also, they sound cheeky buggers. )

Agree with suggestions along the lines of "oh I know it's so hard. I work part time which has impacted my career to make it work for my family. My kids keep me really busy. I hope you find a good childminder."

Any more direct queries could be "oh I couldn't do a regular arrangement, I think you need to find a childminder".