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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
Sicario · 09/09/2023 12:09

This is full-on abuse - coercive control - and is now a criminal offence. Please reach out to your family and tell them what is going on. He needs to leave. Do not be afraid to call the police.

He has not got his own way so now he is really showing his true colours to frighten and coerce you.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Tell your family you need help.

Sicario · 09/09/2023 12:24

Throw as much light on this as you can. Tell everybody what he is doing. Tell them right now. Pick up the phone or get in the car with the kids.

As previous poster said, his behaviour is escalating.

BrawnWild · 09/09/2023 12:59

Take them alone to the wedding. All he can do is call the police and you'll have yet more evidence of him being abusive and controlling.

You must grey rock him. Or sing when he starts talking to you. Or repeat a stock phrase like "that's nice" or "I'm acknowledging that you've spoken but I'm not responding".

You dont need to be mentally present for him to keep getting in your head. At the moment he is getting something out of his behaviour. Close it down.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/09/2023 13:54

You can keep going Op, he has no right to make you leave the house, if he tries to force you physically then it's time to call the police.

GabriellaMontez · 09/09/2023 15:34

Sit tight. And remember, he's not your boss. He doesn't get to dictate to you.

He'll have a new threat tomorrow.

Have you thought about giving him 3 options? 1. I go to the wedding. 2. I phone the police 3. I phone my brother.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2023 16:04

Stay. He can move out if he wishes but he cannot force you out without a court order.

Tell him you will be taking the children and if he tries to stop you, you will be calling the police. Until he gets a court order restricting you (ie it is his time to have custody) then he cannot legally stop you.

Time to call his bluff but be ready to call the police for false imprisonment if he stops you leaving. If you give in he will escalate.

What an absolute horror he is being.

TregunaMekoides · 09/09/2023 16:08

Your solicitor has told you that he is wrong and this is bollocks.

You are so conditioned to obey him that he is obfuscating the truth.

What ever you do, DO NOT move out. You can absolutely arrange a form of 50/50 access while living together. Be strong. Tell him No. You WILL have them next weekend and tell him that as he is not being reasonable you will only discuss living and parental access through solicitors. Hopefully your solicitor is still sending him a letter on Monday.

This man is fully accustomed to speaking with authority, calling all the shots and to you asking How high? when he tells you to jump.

No more OP, no more.

He's clearly thick as mince as he's not even being very cunning with his bullshit. If you cannot bring yourself to do this for you, do it for your kids. Your relationship is your kids primary reference for their own future ones. Please don't show them that they should accept the kind of treatment their dad gives their mum.

billy1966 · 09/09/2023 16:20

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/09/2023 11:41

Thanks so much everyone you are all helping so much.
I'm not sure i can keep going.
He has just said he wants me to move out tomorrow and we can start 50/50 tomorrow.
If I don't move out tomorrow I can't take the kids next weekend and I will have 3 choice, we all go, I go on my own or no one goes. He said this is a case of me restricting his access to the kids.
I said to him no I am taking the kids and he said go on then try it!!!

OP, please involve the police.

Ring 101.

He is a previously violent man making threats now you are divorcing him.

Make his violence and threats official.

billy1966 · 09/09/2023 16:24

Sicario · 09/09/2023 12:09

This is full-on abuse - coercive control - and is now a criminal offence. Please reach out to your family and tell them what is going on. He needs to leave. Do not be afraid to call the police.

He has not got his own way so now he is really showing his true colours to frighten and coerce you.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Tell your family you need help.

This.

He is threatening you if you leave the house with your children.

He is telling you that you are not allowed to leave the house with the children with out him.

He is restricting your movements with threats.

You need to involve the police.

Emphasis that you are afraid his loss of control may cause him to harm the children and you.

Request help from them.

The more you shine alight on his behaviour, the stronger you become.

cheddercherry · 09/09/2023 17:59

billy1966 · 09/09/2023 16:24

This.

He is threatening you if you leave the house with your children.

He is telling you that you are not allowed to leave the house with the children with out him.

He is restricting your movements with threats.

You need to involve the police.

Emphasis that you are afraid his loss of control may cause him to harm the children and you.

Request help from them.

The more you shine alight on his behaviour, the stronger you become.

Show quote history

Agreed. He can’t stop you attended a wedding with your kids on your own. Ring the police and get this logged. He needs to know his behaviour is a) ridiculous and b) you are going to shine a light on it.

You've come so far and the more it goes on and he continues to behave aggressively and coercively the more it shows why you really are doing the best for you and your kids by leaving him.

cornflower21 · 09/09/2023 18:00

My god of course you did the right decision!

scoobysnaxx · 09/09/2023 18:47

Oh dear this is rapidly escalating OP.
Everyone is right this is now overt abuse and coercive control.
He has been violent before. He just may well snap.
He has no right to demand the things he is demanding.
This is classic of an abuser losing control and escalating.

Do what the others have said.

  • Tell EVERYONE what he is now doing.
  • CALL the police.
  • Keep in touch with the solicitor as often as possible.
  • Record everything you can discreetly.
  • Seek advice from Women's Aid.
SquishyGloopyBum · 09/09/2023 20:52

I'm quite worried about you op.

You need to stop listening to him. He's trying to punish you and it's working.

I hope you didn't let him go to the party today.

I really think you'd benefit from the support of a domestic abuse charity. It's great you are reaching out to Mumsnet, but you seem stuck.

Do not move out. Stop listening to him. Stop engaging with him.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 09/09/2023 21:50

His behaviour now you’re progressing with a divorce just illustrates why you need to get rid of him. He sounds utterly exhausting and manipulative.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/09/2023 21:54

Thank you. He did come today played with all the kids and all the adults ignored him as much as they could.

I don't know why I am so worried, i guess him spinning things so he get custody.
Him saying I can't take the kids next week has me worried.
My family are wise to him, they say I should go for full custody.
I just feel so scared that he will take the kids off me, he is so good at playing games. I don't care about the money I just think I have not questioned anything for years.

He said today "you are leaving a marriage for no reason, you are going to realise too late that its all you".

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 09/09/2023 22:08

"He said today "you are leaving a marriage for no reason, you are going to realise too late that its all you"."

His statement makes no sense. You're not leaving a marriage for "no reason". You're unhappy and you don't love him any more. 2 excellent reasons. Just because he doesn't like those reasons doesn't make them any less valid. And who cares if it does turn out to be "all you"? So what? At least you will be free of him.
Which ever way you slice it, you are not happy in your marriage and he is an abusive prick. And that is more than reason enough to end it.

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 09/09/2023 22:16

We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.

How does he factor in this fact with 'leaving for no reason'? The man is incredibly deluded, narcissistic and controlling.

I have no experience of this but I think this is escalating and you need to act quick now.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2023 22:49

Stop spiralling and start using that brain we all know you have. Breathe and forward plan.

Him saying I can't take the kids next week has me worried.
You have three options.

  1. Ask your solicitor whether you legally can - costs money.
  2. Don't take them - costs are emotional and mental for you and the children, thats too high a price imo.
  3. Talk to the police to see if they would stop you if he called them on you - I think this might be your best route right now as you can also explain how he is using coercive control on you. They will advise you or pass you to the local DA unit for help.
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 09/09/2023 22:50

If I were you OP I would change my plans for going to the wedding. I'd leave significantly earlier than he expects, having loaded the car up with overnight things / wedding clothes beforehand, on a pretext of doing a short errand, in the hope he doesn't try to prevent you leaving if he thinks you're going to get bread or for a haircut or something.

Then either get ready with, or stay overnight with family. I'd consider leaving straight from school pick up on Friday if the wedding is Saturday.

Then just message him 'change of plan, we're staying with DB tonight to get an early start for the wedding tomorrow. We'll be home Sunday morning as planned for you to see DC.' that way if he decides to phone the police for a 'welfare' check or something you can show he knew exactly where you were and that he's wasting their time.

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/09/2023 08:23

He's using the kids as a threat. It's all lies and it's a really common tactic of abusers. He knows you won't want to leave them, hence why he's saying it.

He wouldn't ever get full custody. It won't happen.

You are happy for shared parenting.

You are allowed to take them to a family wedding. You had legal advice telling you this.

Stop listening to him. The more you do, the more he's going to say this stuff.

Lammveg · 10/09/2023 08:51

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Given his response we can all see you are correct in leaving him. Keep being strong and keep your solicitor in close contact!

I'm not sure if anyone's mentioned it but there's an article called something like 'she left because I didn't do the dishes'. I'll find it in a bit as it's probably shows how you're feeling.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

And

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2023 09:05

Why do your family think you should go for full custody? Do you want to?

I agree with those who say you need to leave for the wedding unexpectedly. Could you go straight from school?

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 11/09/2023 06:55

Yesterday was awful, he transfered me half of out savings but he had already taken £800 last week which I queried it led to him calling me evil in front of the kids. It was money we had put aside for a trip we had booked for October.
He said he now refuses to talk to me and everything must go through solicitors.
My daughter also shouted at me that everything was all my fault and why do I have to do this to everyone.
I am having doubts about everything and wondering if we could make it work till the kids are a bit older and it will be easier.

OP posts:
SeamsLegit · 11/09/2023 07:12

Absolutely effin not!!!!!!!!!! Push through, u will never regret standing up for yourself!!!!

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2023 07:13

It will not be easier when the kids are older. It will be worse for them.