To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

Excellent point.

The more he reveals his ugly self on email etc., the better.

Spoken with my solicitor this morning who has confirmed what youbhad all already said that he isn't correct about the law and needing his consent. He wants to send him a letter on Monday to tell him that and that I am being very reasonable.
He said it sounds like he is trying to control everything!

I am thinking I will tell him today I have had legal advice and I will be taking the kids away next weekend for the wedding and he can expect a formal response saying the same thing. I will offer for him to have the same time the weekend after.

It's my Mums birthday party tomorrow which he is coming to, think I might let that one go. Its at my brothers house and my brother hates him and doesn't want him there. I have asked him to let it slide as I know he will use it with the kids and say none of mummy's family want me to come to anything. Not sure if I am doing the right thing or not.

You’re doing great 💐

I’d start as I mean to go on and tell him he’s not coming tomorrow, especially as your brother who’s hosting doesn’t want him there

I would ask your brother to contact him directly and disinvite him so you don't have to get involved. Make a note of anything negative he says about you/ your family to the kids.

Does it matter if he tells the kids none of Mummy’s family want him there? Your mum has already explained to your DD that it will be better to have 2 ‘happy places’ and I am sure your Mum
would be willing to back you up and explain that Daddy wasn’t invited this time because it’s a difficult situation for the whole family to get used to but it’s best to start as we all mean to go on and do things a bit differently now.

It IS better for the DC that you stay firm on this, despite what he says to them. You don’t need to be dramatic about it, like he’s being, you just need to stay calm and be the loving line in the sand that this is how things are now, and yes it’s a shame that Daddy can’t come because things are changing but it will all feel more normal soon.

If it's at your brothers house then your brother has every right to refuse entry to whoever he likes. Might be worth getting you and the kids in first though and then the kids out the back so he can't kick off in front of them or try to physically stop them from going in. And if he does kick off tell him having the police called on him won't look very good will it?

At some point though there will be a time when you will be with the kids and your family without him pissing a circle around you all, and "mummy's family don't want me" will be trotted out sooner or later so I'd start drawing a line asap. Especially if it means your mother's birthday celebration is going to have an atmosphere otherwise.

You’re doing brilliantly in a very difficult situation. Whatever you decide to do about tomorrow just remember that your soon to be exDH will be trotting out “mummy’s family don’t want me” or some other variation to that regardless of what you do.

So happy you have a supportive family network, OP. You sound very strong and you are being incredibly fair and measured in the face of his headfuckery. Don't let him wear you down with his histrionic bullshit. Have a lovely time at your mum's and just ignore him - what an absolute idiot, effectively hijacking your mum's special event, where he'll be about as welcome as dogshit brought in on someone's shoe. He clearly doesn't want anyone in your family talking about him or for you to be able to seek their support out of his earshot, whilst at the same time, bad mounting you to your children. He clearly gives no shits for anyone's feelings other than his own. You are 100% doing the right thing. Any promises of reform are just self serving lies to mess with your head. Stay resolute. 💐

It may be that you need to accept that he may try and manipulate you by threatening to say certain things to the children - or actually saying them.

For example,

You may be that you need to accept that he may try and manipulate you by threatening to say certain things to the children - or actually saying them.

For example, if he does say to the children something about your family not welcoming him, you can say that that's not quite right and that he has got it wrong.....and then provide an explanation as to why just you and the kids are going and not him.

Assuming you have your own car, I would not be going in the same vehicle as him if he insists upon inserting himself into your mum's party. You go with the kids, as you had already planned. He needs to be reminded that you are now separated and will be divorcing.

god! Reading all your posts just brought it back how fucking awful my DH was when we separated. Same as yours, he was an absolute abhorrent husband and father for years, until I’d had enough and he tried all the sickly sweet stuff (nauseating!) and said the most awful things to our DC… examples ‘I love mommy so much, I just want to be a family but she just wants to go out and have fun’ > literally the one occasion I went out while he’d spent years doing whatever the fuck he wanted to. We had to live together for a year while we sorted out the house and he dragged his feet being a 50/50 mix of dad of the year and the aggressive prick who paced up and down and screamed through doors while I was hiding with our DC trying to protect them from another rant.

You cannot change his actions and reactions. You can only do what’s best for your children, he will never put them above his own wants and needs, or else he wouldn’t be actively using them as collateral right now.

Brightside: I am 13 years on. Life is fucking amazing! As soo as we’d gone out separate ways he was off dating etc and lost interest in us completely, wanted 50/50 but actually only saw them for one afternoon a week - this was purposeful btw and was to try and stop me having a life, he also hated that I neither cared nor reacted! I only dated after 2 years, and never introduced our DC to anyone, other than my now DH - whilst they met Aunty Rita Sue and Bob too!

Happily Remarried now to the most incredible man for 6 years.

Ex’D’H - is also remarried. She is such a genuinely lovely woman, but he’s an absolute prick to her too….it shouldn’t make me feel justified - but at least I know for sure it wasn’t me who failed our marriage.

He wanted to know if there was another man.

”Yes. It’s [son’s name]. I don’t want him growing up thinking this is a proper marriage or that normal husbands throw furniture when they’re angry.
Besides — I don’t love you any more. I don’t like you any more. And I don’t like myself when I’m around you. Is that clear enough?”

He has said this morning he wants me to move out. I can have 50/50 access when I move out and not before a sits not practical.
Anyone know if its enforceable that we split 50/50 even when living together (every other weekend for example).
I am so unsure of moving out he will just drag his heels on money and I will never get my share to buy somewhere new.

If you jointly own the house nobody has to move out. Yes, you can do child arrangements when living together but consider how that will be for the children. Eg when it's Dad's time but mum is home. Could be confusing for the children? Not tried it so don't know.

I'd ask him for a written. Outline of what he thinks 50/50 childcare will look like. Don't agree to anything until you are happy with that and it is worth getting a formal, legally agreed version so he can't just back out or change when it suits him. I have a friend who is a police call handler and he said they often get calls from a parent when ex hasn't returned children etc and without a child arrangements order in place nothing can be done about it.

My stbex wants 50/50....I've yet to see how he thinks that will work and we have been in separate bedrooms for a year. I'll be applying for conditional order of divorce next week but he says he hasn't had time to look at paperwork for finances etc yet has had 3 weeks without us around in the achool holidays... so I guess I'll be contacting a mediator to see if that gives him a kick.

Don’t move out. Get the house on the market as quickly as you can. He’s already proven how awkward and spiteful he can be.
Also, it’s crazy to allow him to come to your Mum’s party- how awkward for everyone involved. I know you’re trying to avoid conflict but you’re actually making it unpleasant for your family. Time to pull off the band aid, tell him your brother will not allow him in the house, go with out him and take whatever it leads to. Because, you’re sending him the message that you’re not really serious if you allow him to come after all you’ve said. Stand firm now- and get the anger, etc from him over with.
you sound so strong— you can do this.

Please stop taking what he says as right Op. He's lied about his legal rights to you several times already

Sorry, posted too soon. You know he wants it all his own way and will happily lie to you to make that happen. Forget what he wants, solicitor will tell you the truth, so press on with the divorce

Dont listen to his lies and don't move out.

Ignore him. Don't move out. If his behaviour continues to deteriorate (bullying, intimidation, other forms of abuse) then speak to your solicitor about applying for an occupation order.

And yes - get him to submit things to you in writing. Refuse to discuss anything with him. Give him as wide a berth as you can.

Glad that you've got the ball rolling with a solicitor. This will all be over with in the not-too-distant future, so keep hold of that thought.

Picture what your future looks like without him! And give your children lots of extra love and support so they know they can rely on you. I have such a great relationship with my (now adult) kids. They are so glad I divorced their awful father.

Do not listen to his lies.

Do not move out.

Ask your brother to contact him DIRECTLY and univite him.

Any drama that happens record it.

More proof of his unreasonable behaviour.

He is a desperate violent man.

Any hint of violence ring the police.

Do not allow him to control you via the children.

He can say whatever he likes to the children, anything.

Keep replying very calmly "that isn't true what Dad said, Mummy and Daddy are not going to live together anymore"...on a loop.

Deny whatever he says calmly on a loop with "that is not true" and move on.

Let the children see his bad behaviour but you being calm.

Let him tell his lies but all correspondence should be through the solicitor.

Let him get more angry and frustrated but the first sign of aggression ring the police and have him removed because he has been violent before and you are afraid.

Remaining calm is your friend.

Ifvyou can quietly safely record him, do.

Make sure your passwords are locked down.

You can do this.

It sounds like he's used to saying what he wants and it happening.

You're used to hearing his demands and complying.

It's going to take a while for you both to adjust.

Continue to follow your solicitors advice. Keep posting. Don't move out.

He's talking rubbish as usual. Don't give it any thought. At the most, I'd keep a record of his daily demands in case its useful in future.

Side note. Do you have secure email/mumsnet etc. Make sure he doesn't know your passwords etc

Fortunately, divorce is now possible via "no fault" so you don't need a reason to divorce. This removes any need to prove grounds like unreasonable behaviour, and simplifies the process. When you want a divorce, the grounds don't matter because ultimately you just want it over and done with.

Keep your eyes on the prize and try not to get drawn into his drama and conflict.

Thanks so much everyone you are all helping so much.
I'm not sure i can keep going.
He has just said he wants me to move out tomorrow and we can start 50/50 tomorrow.
If I don't move out tomorrow I can't take the kids next weekend and I will have 3 choice, we all go, I go on my own or no one goes. He said this is a case of me restricting his access to the kids.
I said to him no I am taking the kids and he said go on then try it!!!

Did he say this verbally or by text? What was the tone of the 'go on try it'- was it meant as the threat I'm reading it as? If so then others will hopefully know the best official route to take but I think you need that on record somewhere. He is threatening you because you want to take your children to a family party. That's crazy, but the threats of crazy people should not be ignored. Keep telling people what's going on too, whether it's officials or family and friends. It's harder for him to try to manipulate and threaten you if there are more eyes on him.
Stay strong. He's offering escalated reminders of what a cunt he is and exactly why you need out of this relationship. I know you don't want to leave the house but if his behaviour is becoming increasingly threatening is it worth having an escape bag ready with the essentials in, in case you need to get you and the kids out quickly? Just as a last resort if your safety could be at risk.