To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

He is the one bringing your kids into this.

It's never better to stay for the kids.

Again, it's another way of him controlling you.

Op, please contact sone domestic abuse organisations. You need their support.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

He is abusing you and he is manipulating the children.
He's a scumbag.

He just wants you to get back in your box and have a couple more years of you being his compliant little skivvy.

He really is disgusting doing this to all of you.

Again contact solicitor and women's aid asap.
Keep proof of everything you can, screenshot savings etc.

DO NOT consider starting. You are not happy. He is violent, abusive and coercive.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3997388-Last-week-I-told-DH-I-want-a-divorce?page=1 Hi @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 I have been reading this thread about another woman who went through a divorce with someone who sounds similar to your EXH. Currently reading through her second thread. Lots of very helpful and supportive information. Also might help you to read someone else's experience.

Am sorry about your daughter outburst. That must of been hard to hear. Unfortunately just like her father she does not get to decide the course of your future happiness. She is also being manipulated by her father. What she said doesn't sound like something a child would put together I feel. "Why are you doing this to us". Very much puts the blame on you. Why is it your fault? What exactly are you doing to them all? Who told her that? Again I imagine if he had been a better husband by at least 20% you wouldn't be separating. He did this to the family. Not you.

She shouldn't know who instigated the divorce. She has been told that by him to make her a weapon to you. Her poor child brain doesn't understand. That fact she said that shows you are doing the right thing imo. This is a toxic environment for the children to be in. You all deserve so much better. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. You deserve to be happy.

^^ I agree that this thread is excellent. Many of us have followed polyanna's long-running divorce story and she was inspirational in her resolve.

However it's important for @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 to know that you should not enter into counselling or mediation with an abusive / controlling partner, which is what you are dealing with here.

Great news he's not talking to you. Let's hope he keeps that up.

This is not the sort of person you want your children around. Make the break and free yourself and them from him.

Why do your family want you to have full custody?

That thread is indeed full of excellent advice.

It's a sad one too, though thankfully ultimately uplifting.

Polly finding out her awful husband had financially abused her throughout their entire marriage claiming the need to be frugal, to have him forced to admit that he had siphoned off £500k into savings/pension was just awful.

Well worth a read.

OP, it takes a particularly awful type of scum to weaponise your own children, and that is what he is doing.

Do not take it on board.

You are the adult and just remain calm "recollections may vary" and all that jazz.

Keep repeating on a loop that Mummy is doing what she thinks is best and everything will be fine.

You can do this.
It is for the best for your children.

OP, please don't give up.

Please lean on your family - tell them all about his awful behaviour, how he is using your children to control you.

and contact your solicitor - their approach and advice need to change from standard divorce to divorcing an abusive partner.

His treatment of you you abusive, and the way he is manipulating your daughter is abusive too.

please reach out to more real life help.

And this is why you need to get the divorce arranged as quickly as possible Op, he has no thought for your DC's emotional wellbeing, he just wants to use them to get his own way. No doubt he's been working on your DD, telling her how awful life will be if you split up ,how it's all your fault, how you won't listen to him but you'll listen to your DC. Frankly Op, you need to stop giving him any chance to abuse your DC like this, stop considering him in any way and fight fire with fire, he doesn't deserve any kindness from you

We had a really reasonable conversation last night, he agreed it hadn't been acceptable the way it had been for the kids. He has agreed to the 50/50 plan I sent him for the kids and would like to buy me out of the house.
He would also like us all to go on a trip we have planned together in October that the kids were so looking forward to.
I had a total panic attack last night, I think the realisation I will only see my children for half the time. I will also have to leave my home.
Im not sure how I am going to cope being on my own.

Agree to nothing.

Your husband is a highly abusive man.

Speak to your solicitor and take their advice.

This is just more manipulation.

He is a violent man.

I would think it best not to go on the holiday.

He's trying to control you by 50/50 and you leaving the house.

Do not trust him.

You will make a new home. Home is where the heart is, and that’s not with your current husband.

Don’t agree to the trip. Suggest he takes them alone. Plan your own trip.

You can do this.

OP, you are so used to this man telling you what to do and what is going to happen. I understand it is hard to break this cycle, but really, whatever he says is meaningless.

He doesn't know that if will or won't be able to buy you out - he assumes the can, or he hopes to - but this is based on him continuing his financial abuse towards you and not sharing assets equality.

Don't agree to anything financial. Let your solicitor do the negotiations.

the October holiday: absolutely categorically not. He sees this as opportunity to reel you back in.

you still take his words for information based on truth and based on reasonable behaviour- but it isn't. his words are from a person who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Can you get you family involved more? can they come round every time he is getting too intense?

Let him take the kids away on his own. Do not get sucked into this "holiday" which is just another way for him to create a controlled environment.

As for the 50/50, I very much doubt he will manage that once the reality kicks in. Men demanding 50/50 is usually about avoiding child support payments.

I agree with previous poster about advising your solicitor that you are divorcing a highly-controlling man.

Do not agree to any financial arrangements - this is for your lawyer to resolve. The split should include both of you having equal home status (ie if he owns a home then you should too).

No to the holiday. If he's having 50/50 he needs to get used to this sort of situation.

No to any financial agreement unless they've been via your solicitor. She has the details of your finances and situation and is best placed to advise you.

We can't advise you on how finances should be split because we don't know details.

Your husband can't be trusted so don't let him suggest or dictate a financial arrangement. He's also deeply ignorant of the law. Don't let him con you. You'll regret it.

A good solicitor is worth their weight in gold.

Oh and 50/50 won't last!

OP, you saw it as a reasonable conversation. He saw it as a change of tactic.

Do not agree to anything that you haven't put past your solicitor first.

This.

Let him take the children on his own.

Anything else is him being controlling and confusing the children.

Stick to the new narrative of being with the children separately.

Bet he won't be arsed to go on his own.

Expect him to get very nasty again when he doesn't get his way.

Don't hesitate to call the police.

Do not go on a trip with him;he'll only use it as an attempt to persuade you not to divorce him.

I'm taking the kids away this weekend, just me and them at a family wedding which I am so looking forward to.
My son was really sad this morning and has said he is worries about Daddy as Daddy has told him that he is going to be so sad this weekend on his own!
I'm so mad as he is taking them away jext weekend and I have told the kids to go and have fun and have been so upbeat about it. Why can't he do the same thing this weekend. It makes me so mad you would project your own feelings on to an 8 year boy!

Just goes to show what a manipulative narcissistic twat he is.
Enjoy your weekend without him!

He's guilting you by using the children's emotions on you. It's called weaponising and is used as a tactic by abusive people. This shows you what kind of manipulating man he is. Remember it next time you have a wobble and think about giving him a second chance.

Tell your son Daddy will be fine. He will probably turn up the music and dance around the house naked once you have gone away. Say silly things like this every time and your son will start associating daddy saying he's sad with the mental image of daddy headbanging and airguitaring away. Pavlov had the right idea 😉😂

Him saying stuff like that to his child - with no thought whatsoever to his child's feelings, and all thoughts on his own - just demonstrates that you are 100% right in your decision to divorce. I love @Pixiedust1234 suggestion to give your DS images of dad having a great time in your absence. Watching sport, eating takeaway, whatever his favourite things are, that's what your DS needs to think is happening (and it will probably be true anyway). Hope you enjoy the wedding, and the space and time away with your loving family.

Text him and ask him not to guilt and upset the children by manipulating them by telling them he will be sad while they are away.
Tell him it has upset your son and is not good for him to be upset like this.

Have a record of this.
He is trying to manipulate and emotionally abuse your son.

Selfish bastard.

What kind of man puts that on an 8 year old? Disgusting.

Enjoy your weekend. The kids will have a great time. Let your children see how normal people behave and how they treat each other.

This will be the best decision you ever make. It might seem hard now but it will get better.

So I went to the wedding and had a wonderful time with my children and family. The kids were fine and had a lovely time. Didn't seem to miss dad. They are going away with him this weekend, which I'm not looking forward to but I will just keep busy.

He has cashed in some shares which I noticed the other day and when I have questioned him about it he says I have enough money and he needs this money. For context he earns around £25,000 more than me. He has told my daughter that she should enjoy this weekend because daddy won't be able to afford holidays anymore!

He had also responded to me on my child care plan and he wants us to spend Xmas day together!! I've said no but he isn't having it, so think that might be a fight.

I am going to ring my solicitor tomorrow to find out about options for me to move out to my Mums. I can't be here anymore and me and the kids all have our own room there.
The only time I felt anxious and worried all weekend is when it was time to come home.