Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 04/09/2023 11:17

He's a manipulative POS OP and I don't see him going quietly. Best of luck.

Sicario · 04/09/2023 11:31

Hang on in there. You always knew he wasn't going to make this easy.

His "parentification" of the children is totally unacceptable. He should not be burdening them with his woes. Is there a third party who can tell him to stop? One of his family perhaps?

It just goes to show that he has absolutely no qualms about ramping up his damaging and controlling behaviour, regardless of how much hurt it causes.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 04/09/2023 12:51

He has just come back from work to say he has seen a counseller through work. She has told him he needs to be focusing on his emotions and he has said he understands where he might have been controlling/manipulative in the past.
He has said I have been depressed and maybe I should see someone too to see if it's me also.
He talked about his dad and how he remembers his dad setting the tone in their house emotionally and hiw he wasn't very nice.
He was crying and said he looks at me and wants to hug me.
Fuck this is all so confusing.

OP posts:
Sicario · 04/09/2023 12:57

Bloody hell. It is designed to be confusing for you, to make you doubt yourself and change your mind. It is all part and parcel of the manipulation. (I had exactly the same thing, everything from "I've not been well", to love-bombing, temper tantrums, the whole spectrum.)

I would suggest you do anything you can to give yourself space away from him. Tell him you are not his therapist and his emotional rehab is not your business or your responsibility. Go to another room and close the door. Leave the house. Go to the cinema. Do whatever you need to do to keep away from him.

It looks like he is going to try to smother you and refuse to give you space to think for yourself.

Sicario · 04/09/2023 13:00

Remember that you did not come to your decision lightly. You've given him chance after chance. Hold steady and don't let him bully you any more.

Elliania · 04/09/2023 13:02

You can tell him that it's great that he's realising his problems and you hope he'll continue going to his counsellor so that you two can have a positive but seperate co-parenting experience in the future which will make life better for the kids.

SpringleDingle · 04/09/2023 13:43

I would argue that you have ripped off the band-aid now. You've told the kids, told him. I am not at all surprised you are feeling guilty - I felt guilty when divorcing my husband. I felt plenty of times that I was messing up everyones lives just to make myself happy. However I was also terrified that if I flip-flopped it would just make everything take longer and be harder in the long run.

I put my head down and pushed forward as fast as possible so that we could find the new normal and everyone could settle. You are not a crazy woman, you agonised long and hard over the decision to divorce. You didn't take that decision lightly. Have faith in yourself and continue on, get this done. The sooner you find your new normal the sooner everyone will feel better.

If it helps I felt guilty loooong after my DD was MUCH MUCH happier. She prefers the current set-up, she is so much more relaxed in our new happier all girls house.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 13:54

More crying for himself as he realises that you are stronger than he thought.

I think play it as a positive for him that it will help you co parent better.

I have no doubt that for your children it would be better to seperate.

If he behaves well he could well be finding personal growth which will be good for the family.

Or he will revert to his nasty abusive self when he sees he is not going to get you to back down.

crumblylancs · 04/09/2023 16:52

If he was that desperate to save your marriage, he would have done this long ago.

If you go back on what you've decided, will you be happy if he changes for a while or is the damage done? Do you think he'll actually stick to making changes or is it just action to get you to go back on ending the relationship?

PinkArt · 04/09/2023 17:12

He just keeps showing his hand doesn't he?
It can't possibly be him who caused this, it has to be your 'depression' or his dad's fault. Not that he's been abusive and hasn't bothered doing something as small as cooking a meal or cleaning the toilet for the duration of your marriage, to show that he values you as a person who shouldn't be carrying the whole load.

thewreckofthehesperus · 04/09/2023 17:39

Think of all the times before, all the promises he's made and broken. Every time you've nearly managed to make the break but he's convinced you to stay.
After each time he's gotten better for a while but always reverted to form. You know deep down this will be the same again, he might improve for a time but his mask will slip and he'll go back to how he always is.

This will be hard but you have to hold onto what is going to bring you long term happiness. This is short term pain for long term gain. How he's acting now is only proving to you he's not a good father. A good father would try to protect his kids from the details of the divorce and certainly wouldn't use them as pawns to emotionally manipulate their mother.

You've made the decision and now it's time to hold tough, if you let him back again this time he'll hold this forever over your head and use it as a stick to beat you with, you'll feel even more trapped as he'll never allow you to forget the 'pain' you caused (obviously the pain is being caused by him and you are rightly trying to remove your family from him)

Think of an image of how you want your life to be, whether its sitting peacefully in your kitchen with your children happily playing in the next room or whatever works for you but essentially living without his dark cloud hovering over you all.
When things get hard hold onto that image, every difficult step you're taking is leading you closer to that happy, peaceful life.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/09/2023 18:31

How lucky he could see a Councillor and they could sort his problem out just like that, an hour or two and he's a new man. I call crap @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 , especially it being everyones fault but his.
He's working on your feelings, let's guilt trip her into staying. Be aware Op that this new, nice phase will only last until he gets his own way, as soon as he realises you're serious about leaving the nasty version you got to dislike will be back.

Brainworm · 04/09/2023 21:35

OP. I suggest you stay focussed on yourself and the children and avoid thinking about what is going on for him and the impact all this is having on him.

You are not the right person to support him or help him understand himself (this isn't good for you or him). Also, you need to work on not attending to or centring his feelings, wants and needs. It sounds as though this is what he has done throughout your relationship, and you have unconsciously enabled and facilitated this. Both of you will find this change difficult - for very different reasons.

Stay focussed on your wants and needs and how they will be met without him playing a role.

GabriellaMontez · 05/09/2023 07:44

This is a man who punches walls and throws chairs at a family bbq. He's an aggressive wanker. Build a life where you don't live with him.

Ignore the bullshit. It's all a distraction.

TeapotCollection · 05/09/2023 13:25

OP I went through very similar nearly 20 years ago and reading this has sent shivers down my spine and almost made me cry - SO many similarities

Please make the break, please. You and your children deserve so much better

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 05/09/2023 19:53

He has sent me a formal response to my 50/50 custody suggestion today. I suggested we do 2,2,3 as the kids are younger I think it will work best for now.
His exact words were

Under law, neither parent has the right to restrict the other from seeing their children.
I do not consent to our children attending social engagements where only one parent is invited to attend.

I have emailed my solicitor today but haven't heard back yet.
In the plan I put some days down that were the equivalent so it's all 50/50 down the line.

I think he wants me to leave the house as he said until i have left we are married and not separated

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 05/09/2023 20:18

Hi OP. I haven't been in your position but just wanted to say how amazingly strong you're being. Your kids are so damn lucky to have a mum like you who puts their needs at the centre of everything. Keep doing what your doing.

Try to bat away his manipulation. Don't take advice from him - he doesn't have your interests at heart. Get advice from friends and family, and from lawyers. He says you need therapy? Thanks for the advice dear, I'll bear that in mind. Don't engage.

And when you're feeling strong, you can absolutely tell him that, given the current situation, the wedding invite has been recinded.

Finally, and sadly, you should keep a note of every single manipulative thing he says and does regarding the kids. If this goes to court you may need the long list of nasty things he has done to help argue your case.

Good luck. You've got this

Rumplestrumpet · 05/09/2023 20:18

And don't leave the house!! Get clear legal advice on this before you do anything.

billy1966 · 05/09/2023 20:20

Just more abuse from him.

He doesn't get to decide what way the family will operate.

Please get legal advice and talk to Women's aid about his abuse of you all.

Sicario · 06/09/2023 08:39

He is an idiot and is entirely wrong on his assertions.

You ARE separated. Lots of divorcing couples remain living in the family home until financial settlement or alternative arrangements are agreed.

You do not need his consent to take your children to events without him.

He clearly has no clue about "the law" and is again trying to intimidate you and control the situation. He does not want you going to events with the children without him because he cannot bear to think of what people might be saying outside of his earshot.

The sooner he gets a letter from your solicitor spelling it out the better.

Sorry you're having to deal with all this. It's horrible.

GabriellaMontez · 06/09/2023 13:16

I see he's taken some legal advice from Google.

Ignore. Its bollocks. He's gone back to trying to scare and intimidate you.

Press on with your plans. Brace yourself. He may say he's going for custody. He won't get it. Just nod and smile and leave it to the solicitor.

cheddercherry · 06/09/2023 13:26

Yeah he’s being ridiculous there is no law that states anyone leaving a marriage has to socialise with their ex forevermore. None. It’s absurd.

By that logic what would be the point in any couple divorcing if they have to always be with each other socially anyway? He CANNOT accompany you to your own mothers birthday for example, just because you’ve taken your kids to see their grandmother. See how mad that sounds, that there would ever be a law to prevent that? No, he’s just trying to scare you. Pass all this onto your solicitor and put in writing and make notes of all these implied threats.

DPotter · 06/09/2023 14:58

His logic is skewed to say the least. How can he think he'll be invited to your family events. It's not up to you to invite to a family wedding, that's for the bride & groom. Likewise with his family - why would they want to invite their son's divorced wife to a family event. I know some families do but IME they are in the minority.

This certainly doesn't have the weight of law behind it. I hope you can get to discuss this with a solicitor soon.

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 15:10

Like a lot of abusive arseholes losing control of their victims, he is plucking any bullshit from Google in the hope to intimidate.

Do not engage.

Get legal advice and tell him to do the same.

OP, you have tolerated his violence before, now you need to call the police at the merest hint of it.

It is in your best interests to do this.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 06/09/2023 16:03

I think it's fantastic he's putting his batshitery in writing. He's literally handing you evidence he's abusive left right and centre. Can't go out socially without him indeed 😂He's a complete idiot.

I'd be encouraging him to incriminate himself as much as he wants to, frankly.