To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

Luck! Not look

I hope things are actually progressing with the divorce and financials too. Christmas is always a tough time when early on in the separation but hang on in there.

Hi @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - hoping you have survived Christmas. Next year will be better.

Thanks, yes I got through Xmas. I tried to carry on as normal as possible through Xmas day, even though he was here. He didn't buy the kids a PS5 so that was again another mind game to play with my head.

He texted me a few days ago asking if we were past marriage counselling and he has been very clear from the start he wants to do anything he can to stay together!!!!!

I attended my MIAM meeting today but have decided I can't do mediation with him as he is unable to be reasonable so need everything to go through the solicitor.

He is still telling the kids the narrative that it's my fault and I have decided this. Also saying I have 100% access. I keep having conversations with the kids and asking them to tell me when they think something isn't right. I have told them when it's lies.

I keep hoping that the finances can get sorted quickly so I can get a house although I know he will drag his heels as long as possible. I am still paying half the mortgage on the family home which he is living in. Don't suppose anyone knows the legal implications of me stopping paying?
I will check with the solicitor next time I speak to him just if anyone has any experience.

When are you meeting your solicitor OP? You make it sound not very urgent, but surely you need to get things in action ASAP?

There is no legal requirement for you to pay anything towards the house he lives in. You have your own costs. However, if you are named on the mortgage and he defaults, if will affect your credit rating and worse case is the house gets reposessed. The only legal requirements are ones laid out in a sealed consent order and child maintenance to be paid to the one who has the children more...this should not be paid as a cost for something specific as it to be used as needed for the children (which could be to pay bills on the home they are in but is choice of recipient).

Re the mortgage payments.
The only thing you need to be concerned about is your credit rating, so it will depend upon whether your name is on the mortgage, although if the payments are on a "jointly and severally" basis, then your rating will only be affected if he stops paying too.

Things started to settle down and all the finances are being progressed with solicitors.
Children seemed to have started to settle but this weekend has been a nightmare. I said goodbye to daughter in the street after a football match yesterday as she was going to her dad's. A few mins after we had said our goodbyes she was screaming me from down the street. Shouting mummy don't go. She then refused to go to dad's and left me little choice but to take her. She has done the same today, seemed OK getting in my car for me to drop her off this morning but when it came to it became hysterical again and ran to my car and wouldn't get out.
He is obviously furious and has messages saying she has an insecure attachment to me and I use her as my emotional support. Also that he sees that she is petrified every time she gets a message from me.

She is with me again tonight but he is messaging saying I am restricting his access and he thinks she needs therapy. I thought I was getting stronger but I'm really concerned about what will be done if solicitors are told I'm restricting access.

I have never and since August have supported the 50/50 plan. All she says when I talk to her is that she misses me.
She is absolutely fine now back with me and is her normal self. I however am sat here stressing about it all.

Good to hear from you and that the divorce is progressing. I am sorry your little girl is having a difficult time going to her dad place. That must be so difficult for you and her. Am afraid I have no experience in these arrangements but as a mum I would keep her with me if she wanted to stay with me. It sounds like she is getting awfully upset. Could she just have day visits for now? I understand this could be challenging to arrange considering how difficult your ex is.

Of course his suggestion of needing a therapist is a sniddy comment. However maybe she would benefit from speaking to someone. You and the children have been through so much with him and his difficult/abusive behaviours.

At 8 and 9, they're still pretty young. And given his parenting history, it's unsurprising she would prefer to stay with you. Some schools have access to very good counselling services for children, so this might be worth looking into. Your DD might be caught up in conflicted feelings and an independent ear might be a good thing for her.

But above all I would say definitely listen to what she is saying and try to work around her wishes. If it becomes a serious bone of contention then you might have to take professional advice. Protecting your children always comes first (even though that sometimes comes with a whole bag of trouble).

Glad to hear that the divorce process is moving along. There's bound to be some bumps in the road but you've totally got this.

I can understand your STBEXH's upset that his DD doesn't want to stay with him but you do reap what you sow, if a man leaves 95% of the parenting to his Wife then it's natural that DC feel more secure with her. It's amazing how many men on her don't realize this until the marriage breaks up

She is with me again tonight after ringing so upset. I calmed her down in the first phone call and by the end of it we were chatting about school tomorrow and going shopping at the weekend. Half an hour later he rang and she was hysterical/crying saying she wanted to come and be with me. I probably did the wrong thing but I went to get her.
I know he will use that against me but not sure how it was in her best interests to stay there.

He emailed me saying he believes she has an insecure attachment to me as I have elevated her to my confidante and am using her as emotional support. Which is utter bullshit but apparently he has emails from the therapist that my son saw back in November saying she was concerned by a look my daughter gave me about wanting to do what I did. She only met her for 5 mins but that's really worried me.

I feel like I am constantly worried about how is going to use anything I do legally. I don't feel like I am ever going to be truly free of this man.

When he is picking my children up from my Mums, he comes in and walks into the house, which my Dad isn't happy with him I just don't know how to tell him it's not OK.

I am always worried if I say no to one of his requests he will use it against me with the kids.

I'm not sure it will ever end 😕

Hang on in there. It's still early days.

It sounds like he is still wanting to retain control, which includes wanting to dictate how everyone feels and behaves. When it's not going his way, he's projecting his frustrations. There's not much you can do about it except continue to support your children.

And of course he's using veiled threats in order to coerce you and the children into doing what he wants. Try not to worry. Divorce is a nasty business and you always knew he wasn't going to make it easy.

The issue with him barging into your parents' house is another example of him refusing to respect boundaries. He will need to be told directly that he is not to enter your parents' home. Perhaps he can be told to wait there at the door, or in the car, then the door is closed until the children are ready to leave.

You did the right thing in going to collect your DD when she was upset. She is a person in her own right and she didn't want to be there any more.

I doubt she has an insecure attachement to you. More likely its very secure and insecure to him.

My question for him is: what is he doing / going to do to help his child develop a secure attachment? If she was happy with him she'd easily go between you both flexibly, or at best, on a set routine. He is the one that needs to do things differently, not you.

By collecting her you are supporting her wellbeing, her trust in adults, and her understanding of what it is to be a decent person.

Why don’t your parents start locking their door , presumably they know when he’s due , so he can’t barge in ?

he has emails from the therapist that my son

Really? Would a qualified, professional really send emails about a "look" following a 5 minute meeting?

It's more likely he's just continuing to do/say things to push your buttons.

Remember. Don't believe what he says. Lots of shit coming out of his mouth. Grey rock.

Likewise barging in the house. He's trying to assert power/control. It's pathetic. They shouldn't have to lock the door, but they need to for now.

There are going to be lots of ups and downs on this road.

Are you keeping a record ? For eg you calmed dd down, but for some reason he rang you again?? Why didn't he distract her? Why did he ring you twice. It reflects badly on him that he's unable to cope with his daughter.

Hang in there. You're doing the right thing.

She was with me again last night after going out with him for a few hours.
He came to pick her up to take her to school. I then got messages from him saying she is a mess, all she cares about is how happy I am. He said its heartbreaking to see she is so worried about me. He said she will be messed up for years but always seems to point the blame at me.
He said he was such a loving/hardworking husband and Dad and that this is all for nothing.

His Mum has also messaged me to say they are really concerned about her, I feel like messaging back and saying she is fine when she is with me!!

I am worried that his narrative is that she isn't attached to me properly and I have caused it because he obviously can't see anything he has done over the years.

If he was a loving dad he'd be able to comfort and distract her.

If he was a loving dad, he wouldn't have subjected you all to name calling and aggression.

He's not a loving dad or partner. That's why you left him.

I feel like messaging back and saying she is fine when she is with me!!

Is there a reason you haven't. Seems totally reasonable.

I wouldn't in case they twist it as well yeah that's why she's so upset when she leaves you.

He's reaping the results of his own shitty parenting and trying to rewrite history to garner sympathy. What a dick. Again, try not to worry too much. It's part of his divorce strategy and finger-pointing.

I agreed for my son to go to football with his dad this afternoon on my weekend. He picked him up at 12 lunchtime. I then got a message from my son to ask if he could stay with his dad tonight.
I just said oh we will chat when you get back. When he got back he asked the same thing and I said oh of course you can if that's how you feel. I asked him why he felt this way and he said he just did! He has gone to stay with his Dad 😔
He is only 8 so understandable.

I can't help but think it's been manipulated as a 'pay back' for my daughter not wanting to be with him.

I asked her if she would like a few hours with her Dad tomorrow while I take DS to a party and she said she would if I was there too.

I'm very worried about my children's bond if it turns out DS wants to be with his dad more.
I'm also worried about giving them so much choice that they can choose when they want to so certain things.
So if I plan something DS doesn't want to do he can go to dad's.

I must admit to thoughts this week that ot would have been easier if I had stayed. I could have coped with my unhappiness if the kids were OK.

Feeling a bit hopeless again!! 😔

The kids will be okay. Give them time. Children pushing boundaries and buttons is a normal part of their development. Things change as they get older. e.g. sometimes you get the kevin-the-teenager stage when they turn into sullen little sods. (In fact the teenage years can be a real trial of fire.)

My humble opinion is that you are doing the right thing by maintaining a flexible outlook and supporting them in their own choices and preferences. Why pick pointless battles with your own kids? It sounds to me like your handling this all really well.

It is of course possible that your STBX is being manipulative, but there's nothing you can do about that. All you can do is remain consistent with your own parenting, keep a watchful eye, and lend them a listening ear.

I m also worried about giving them so much choice that they can choose when they want to so certain things.
So if I plan something DS doesn't want to do he can go to dad's

This is my approach in this situation.

Your children are young. Don't give them too much choice. Sometimes they have to do things they don't necessarily want to.

That's life. Help Mummy in the supermarket, visit Granny... whatever it is.

Later on, when they're teens they will gradually begin to do their own thing.

Keep things consistent while they get used to the new model. Have something up your sleeve like "no we have plans later".

Perhaps your son is testing boundaries? Perhaps his dad is manipulating him?

Either way, you don't want to have a situation where you are constantly dropping off /picking up on the whim of a 9 year old.

My solicitor sent an email this week regarding finances and hiw I had made 2 really reasonable offers. Apparently he had responded almost immediately saying his priority is the childcare and how he has been restricted access. He has said for months my daughter needs to see a counsellor. I have stopped this happening.

Basically lots of lies - do solicitors see through this?

She had rang me 5 times tonight through the alexa in her bedroom hysterical saying I need to come and get her, she needs to come and be with me and she can't stay there.
I held out for a bit - mostly due to fanily advice that he should be the one to drop her back to me. He refused to drop her back so I arrange someone to get her as I had already had a glass of wine.
Does anyone know if a 10 year old can compelty refuse to stay over with dad?
He is blaming it all on me but the other day admitted he doesn't have a good relationship with her.

Sorry I am maybe repeating things just very pissed off and upset but the email he has sent back to my solicitor today.

He has said things like he has been lumbered with all the bills/needed to make sure the kids had enough presents from santa and is acting as a free storage facility for my things! I'm hoping my solicitor can see through the bullshit!