To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

That's great about the Headteacher meeting OP. Please speak to Women's Aid today also. They will be able to give you advice on next steps.

He has told me this morning he has booked a pyshcotherapist appointment for my DS. I'm so confused as to why and what he aims to get out of it. Is he going to prep him to say things about me.

He is trying to build a case that you’re an unfit mother. Please throw the kitchen sink at this and get ahead of him. Call Women’s Aid and the police as has been suggested here more than once - the calls and what you are saying will be logged. You don’t have to ask the police to speak to him, just ask them for advice and the call will then be logged. Do the same with your GP. Tell them his abuse is affecting your mental health and your daughter is suffering. These calls and visits will all be contemporaneous records of what you are saying and difficult to refute later on. Establish a pattern of abuse now and it won’t look like tit tat or he said/she said later on.

So much good advice given. Please contact women's aid.

You know how ugly he is.

If you want to help yourself you will also contact the police.

If he gets in front of this as it appears he is, it will be you that will be furious that you didn't report he when he has zero problem trying to blacken your name and abusing your children further in the process.

Your children are terrified of him, poor mites.
You are terrified of him, can you imagine how they must feel?

Please call your GP, Women's aid, the police and log it all, plus your address and mobile number.

He is dangerous, unhinged and furious.

I have never commented on any threads before but I have been following this one, I can't understand how you have let your situation with your twat of a husband get this bad and you allow him to abuse your children daily,why have you not followed the advice given, the time you spend on here giving updates could be better spent sorting the situation between the kids and their so called father and do not let your DS go to that appointment, ask the school to keep the kids inside till you arrive and if hes outside call the police and claim hes trying to abduct them, they have to attend. Please get that non molestation order issued straight away, its no good getting advise and not acting on it.

I've just read all your comments OP and I am so sorry for you and your DC that your STBX is making this split so difficult. He sounds horrendous and he's clearly stepping up the ante. You need to find your inner steeliness for the sake of your poor kids - they are being emotionally traumatised and bullied by him and only you can make it stop. Take your solicitor's advice and apply for the non-molestation order and tell their headteacher everything - they might be able to access some counselling through the school. Also, 50:50 clearly isn't working and you need to go to court to get a custody agreement in your favour. You say you'd rather not spend money going to court but surely it's a price worth paying for your children's mental wellbeing?

Did you mean to be so harsh? Talk about kick a woman while she's down!

I did not mean to come across as harsh but I cannot understand why she is not protecting her children, I would protect mine.

I don't feel like the OP has taken any steps which would class her as not protecting her children. I have followed this thread from the beginning. As to be expected the process has been incredibly challenging. There was posts where OP didn't think she could do this. But she has.

Unfortunately new stages have brought about new behaviours. Moving out. Which only happened a few weeks ago has triggered this new level of abuse from the ex. OP has been attempting to treat him like a normal person. For her children sake. I expect she hoped he would be "normal" for them. By normal I mean the average father. Do 50/50, respectfully co-parent.

But as is now becoming apparent to the OP he is not a normal man. He is incredibly abusive. OP has been living in fear and been trying to do the right thing for everyone. However the everyone cannot include him. It is very hard to stand up to an abuser. She was hoping her children could have a normal relationship with their father. This can't happen now or possibly ever.

I believe she has been doing her absolute best to damage control. With an abusive person though you can never be in control of anything. Learning to manage abusive behaviours take time. OP has been in a highly stressful situation and doing the best for her children.

It isn't fair to say to a woman who has left an abusive marriage she isn't protecting her children. The second last post had be incredibly worried for her personal safety. She is doing her best in a very challenging situation.

Thinking of you op. You're doing all the right things. X

Hope your well and safe OP x

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - I hope this week has brought you some progress with the behavioural issues. Sending strength and solidarity to you.

It's been a much calmer week.

My DS had his appointment with counseller, it was all very generic. She talked to him, he didn't give much back. She sent feedback none of which were cause for concern. He doesn't want to go again.

Kids have been a bit more settled this week. It's his weekend but my DD wanted to be with me tonight so agreed a swap for one day next weekend. My DS said he didn't want to come with me. When he was saying it he was looking at his dad the whole time. I didn't want to push it so he is there while DD is with me. Sitting here now wondering if I did the right thing.

I'm starting to reflect on my relationship and I'm trying to not doubt my decision and keep moving forward. This is so hard each day!!

Is it coercive control if someone comes home in a mood, doesn't speak to you and when asked what's wrong says 'I'm not arguing with you, why are you trying to start a row'. I would then be the one to say sorry or bring a peace offering. I can count 2 times in a 18 year relationship that he said sorry!!

Anyway I have officially filed for divorce which he has received notification of. I have applied for universal credit and have registered my interest in some shared ownership homes that are available next spring. All positive steps to my new life!!

From Women's Aid:

Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

The kind of behaviours your DH displays are insidious. Sometimes you feel like you're going mad because you can't quite pin down why they make you feel so bad. The "walking on eggshells" phrase is a huge red flag. We feel like this when we are on constant high alert, waiting for the trouble to kick-off.

Be reassured that you are not alone in this. It's a very common tactic used by abusive men to assert control over their homes / wives / families. And it's horrible.

Having doubts and wobbles is also completely normal. It comes back to the conditioning when we are constantly questioning ourselves, asking "is it me?". No - it's not you. It's him.

Well done for getting the divorce ball rolling. Once you've started the process, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have no doubt that his behaviours will ramp up during the divorce proceedings. Brace yourself for more bullying, lying, and threats. Hold firm. Keep your eyes on the prize. And get absolutely everything that you are entitled to. This is a "one bite cherry" so don't take any shit. Your lawyer will have seen it all before.

Bear in mind that people get divorced all the time so there is nothing to be scared of and you will come through this. It will all be worth it in the end.

Sending strength and solidarity.

Feel like I haven't written anything down for a while and it was helping!
After he received the application for divorce he wanted to meet up and talk about us going to couples counselling!! I told him it's a bit late for that and he needs to accept the divorce proceedings.
I have also started financial remedy proceedings as he isn't even offering me my equity in the house. I have registed with a local shared ownership company and they have houses coming up next spring/summer so I'm hoping I can be in time for one of those.

Thr kids are still unsettled especially DD, she often will want to come back to me when it's his weekend and struggles to do 2 nights without me.

I found out yesterday that he had asked my DS to lie to me. I let him take him to a football match last week - it's a fairly big team (30,000) ground. I asked him not to sit in an area of the ground that's a bit rowdy, grown men stand up and DS would have to stand on his chair to see. I gave them my season tickets so they could sit in my seats. Found out yesterday that STBX took him in there anyway and said to DS 'your Mum can't know about this'. DS was in tears yesterday when I asked him about it. I have made it clear to him he must never lie to me. Not sure how to play it with husband though as don't want DS to suffer.

He is also telling the kids I have 100% access and he only has 50%. He says I am invited to everything he does with the kids! It's all.so confusing for them at the moment.

I sent him a list of Xmas presents I had bought as I was trying to make sure the kids didn't end up with the same things. I have saved up so hard to get a PS5 and when he has looked he has said oh I am going to get one of them for my house.
They are opening presents there first so it will totally take the shine of it for them here. He is so petty and mean.

Going to try and have a lovley Xmas for the kids, they deseve it more than ever this year.

I have saved up so hard to get a PS5 and when he has looked he has said oh I am going to get one of them for my house.

Twat. I wouldn't normally advocate for opening presents early but fuck that shit, how dare he!

They can open that one early as a special Christmas treat with you. Seeing as you've saved hard for one and he's clearly only getting that out of pure spite to take away you seeing the surprise and joy on their faces. No. He does NOT get to take that away from you, after everything he's done. Fuck him.

And never share gift lists/ideas with him again.

I don't have kids so could be way off the mark with this, but could a faux breezy silly daddy/ daddy must have got confused approach work at all? So he says bullshit about access and you brush it off with them as a what a silly billy he is, remember you can always check with mummy if it sounds like daddy has mixed things up.

It sounds like they're getting the measure of him so hopefully in a few years they'll chose not to see him anyway but can you fake your way through with them until then?

Also TOTALLY give them the PS5 from you first. If he wants to play stupid games, play them better. And never give him a heads up like that again as it's just giving him ammo. If they are at his Christmas day morning then decide a fun new tradition for this year that they get one present from you on Christmas eve.

Also TOTALLY give them the PS5 from you first. If he wants to play stupid games, play them better.
I understand the frustration but I wouldn't do this. It's just falling down to his level and continuing the games. Yes the kids will be less excited opening a second playstation but in the grand scheme of things, its really doesn't matter.

It does matter when she's probably scrimped and saved and he's just doing it to spite her. It's alright being the bigger person but all he's getting is the message that he can act like a massive dick and she'll just take it.

Because he's not getting bored from her not reacting to stuff, he is getting worse and more outrageous. He's showing up where he isn't wanted, he's gaslighting the kids, he's yelling at her in the street. She might not let him see he's upsetting her, but he probably knows it.

He KNOWS that pulling this shit will really upset her, and he's doing it anyway.

So, just for once, he can see how he likes it.

Agree but I wouldn’t abs sharing my children with this man eitheps5s oh great when the kids heads are getting messed up for life.
priorities

Agree but I wouldn’t abs sharing my children with this man either ps5d oh great when the kids heads are getting messed up for life.
priorities

Honestly op. In thr new year you need to do everything you can to get to court for a hearing and get access formalised you just need to be shot of this man.

With a bit of look he will meet someone else who will attract his attention fairly soon.