To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

You need this in court and ASAP. Making it clear that the children need to be heard and that he cannot keep showing up on your time and causing issues/ intimidation.

I feel so sorry for the damage this is doing to those two children. It sounds like this needs to be in court asap for their wellbeing.

Today is the changeover day for the kids, so I drop at school and he will pick up. DD woke up very upset saying she just wanted to say with me she didn't want to go with him would I pick her up from school. I text me saying she is sad she wanted to stay here. She also text him saying please can she stay here with me.

He turned up at school where I park and went to give her a hug and said we will talk about it later, she then said I want mummy to pick me up. I said oh yes I will be here at pick up like you asked. He then said oh for gods sake and I said I am not going to be bullied by you.
He then shouted at me in the street, I am manipulative, I'm horrible, and I am breaking the law.
The kids were crying in the street so I brought them home.
DD is the car said she is scared to go there now and was really sad he shouted at me.
I have emailed my solicitor to try and get some advice but I'm unsure how it works. Can I just stop them going to him? Should I text him to say they aren't at school today?

Firstly can you speak with someone at school, they may have some contacts and also can put things in place if he’s being aggressive and essentially stoping the kids from getting into school. You could also ring citizens advice and they can also point towards if you need to start logging this kind of intimidation with the police at this stage. Him turning up to things is intimidating to you and the kids and especially if it’s escalating in the streets and outside a school. You’ve been so strong throughout all this, I just think it’s getting to the point that other support agencies need to be involved to keep everything safe.

His behaviour is totally out of order. He is essentially stalking you. Not allowing you any space. Turning up there in the street at every turn. Turning up at sports practice.

The answer to your question is yes - you can refuse to hand over the kids. There is no court order mandating contact time.

I would put in writing - either an email from you, or a letter from your solicitor - saying that his behaviour is causing a great deal of upset and his insistence on turning up and causing trouble at the school gates every morning is having a hugely disruptive effect on the children's routine. He is to stop intimidating and bullying you and the children, and that contact time will have to be formalised through the courts. Until then, you will not force the children to stay with him when they are asking not to.

Bloody bastard. It's no wonder you're divorcing him.

I just know he is going to spin it to say I have put it in her head and I am making her not want to go. He is so good at the games and I'm so worried about doing something now that will go against me when this eventually ends up in court.
Will they even listen to the kids and should I just be encouraging her to go.

(I refused to send the children when they were begging not to. It made him very angry, but nobody threw me in jail. He would have to take you to court.)

I am not condoning any of his behaviour, BUT it was his turn to have the kids and you essentially told him that he couldn't have them by telling your daughter you would pick her up. His response was to get upset and shout- absolutely not OK but I imagine he sees you as stopping him from seeing his own kids, which technically you can't do. I'm sure you did what you felt was best in the moment but the kids need to be in school. It all sounds like an absolute mess. I'm not sure where you're at in the separation process but these are discussions that need to be happening away from the kids, would he attend mediation with you?

I am more than happy for him to have his time. My DD asked if she could stay with me tonight, am I supposed to say no she has to go to dad's. Maybe I should, I just find that very difficult and would find it so hard to say to her when she is very upset.
She wanted to go tomorrow night but I think she finds more than one night at a time away from me hard at the moment.
I came up with the 50/50 plan as I thought that's what was best originally and also I guess because I am scared of him.

I totally understand, and it's very hard when you're put on the spot but these are the discussions you need to be having with your ex ie what do we do when DD is saying she wants to be with me, what is the plan here? This is where mediation with an impartial third person would be really helpful.

Reading the OPs post, I doubt this is the sort of man that would agree to mediation, it's his way or the highway. He has shown up to everywhere the OP goes with the kids on her time, he has no respect for any of them. His only goal appears to be punishing the OP for leaving his abuse. Shoving himself in where he's not wanted, essentially telling her there's nowhere she can go that he won't follow. He turned up at a sports practise and got into her car when she'd told him no.

That's bloody dangerous behaviour, now ramping it up to yelling at her outside school and distressing the kids. He's a ticking time bomb.

It doesn't matter how much she encourages them to go to dads (where they aren't allowed to even call her by the sounds of it, no he makes sure she stays well away when it's HIS turn, more punishment), they are picking up on his behaviour and it's upsetting them. This is all his doing.

He is manipulative man and the OP has said she is scared of him. He needs to be stopped. It needs the police, and it needs court.

OP,

This is a deeply dangerous abusive man.

Your children are terrified and so are you.

Don't hand your children over to a man who terrifies you all.

Please step up.

Ring Women's aid.
Ring 102 and tell them your children are terrified after the scene on the street.
Ring your GP.
Ring the school and tell them what happened.

Get legal advice.
I would refuse him contact after today.
Tell him to go to court.
His abuse has driven you from your home and now he is terrorising you all.

Start making noise by calling the police and telling them about his abuse, stalking, harassment, frightening the children, screamingon the street.

Tell the police it is escalating with threats to you.

You need to fight him.
Let him go to court.

Create a paper trail of reports on him.
Stress your terror of him.
Stress the kids terror.

Give the authorities a chance to help.

I think it is very important that you clearly log with the police that you think such is his fury at you leaving him after many years of abuse, you believe he could harm you and the children, as in kill you all.

He is very dangerous.

You need to step this up and protect yourself by flagging that you believe he is a lethal threat to yourself and your children and his anger is escalating.

You can do this.

You did the hardest bit by getting out of the home.

Agreed @billy1966

Don't let her go tonight, in fact I wouldn't let them go at all now. His behaviour is escalating. He could well refuse to let them go back and you would have to go through court etc and in the meantime they would be with him, the police can't make him hand them over.

If they're with you though the same applies. He can kick and scream and report you all he likes, the police cannot make you give him the kids. I would be keeping them with you today, calling the police and calling the school, because he could likely try and take them when they're there.

I think it's always best to do what's best for the child, I don't believe in "making" a child visit a parent, they should want to do so, within reason obviously

But if they are visibly upset at spending time with the other parent then no they shouldn't go in my opinion

He sounds unhinged & if I were you formalise access but can't see how 50/50 will work if he is behaving like this. It will damage the children & their mental health which could have long term consequences. Maybe it would be best to ease into it depending on his behaviour. Log all the incidents as others have said so you have some evidence or reasoning for your access proposal. Propose what you think is in the children's best interests, that's what a court would do, not on what a bully wants you to do

You have been on my mind OP and your H worries me. He is starting to sound like someone who could hurt you and your children. I'm sorry if I'm adding to your worries, I don't want to, but I want you to make sure you and your children are safe.

Hugs

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9
i really don’t mean to be horrible but I really feel everyone has given you many times , over months and you haven’t took on any of it.

He is a bully who will continue with this behaviour . It’s your job to protect your kids and they DONT Need this.

As said before keep the kids away from him and let him fight you for them .
Once it’s all legal then he will only be shooting himself in the foot if he continues with the bullying and manipulation .

Please listen to your Children . “They don’t want to be around this man “
Just like you didn’t !

I find this post such a hard read as things don’t change much and it’s just doing more and more damage .

Im glad you got out now please make sure the kids do too.

This ! Please listen to this OP and all the other good advice .

Keep the kids away from him.
No 50/50 nothing untill : if he ever he proves himself fit.

Excellent point.

If he refused to return the children, you would be screwed.

You could be without your children for an extended period until it went to court.

At the moment he has similar rights to you.

This is why it is critical that you involve the police and stress your fear that he will hurt the children and or you as payback for leaving.

Stress the abuse has gone on for years.

He forced you to leave the house.

STRESS THE POINT....HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO WIN.

This is so important.

Dangerous men will harm their children just to prevent their wife having them.

Please take this seriously.

Do not give him the children and ring the police.

I fear that you will not report him because you are afraid of the behaviour this will trigger. You may think not reporting him will keep you safe.

He probably believes "you wouldn't dare" report him because he knows he scares you. Which means he thinks he can get away with behaving anyway he wants. His behaviour is very worrying and escalating. You CANNOT manage this on your own anymore. It is not safe. You need professional help to manage this man and keep yourself safe. You are in danger from him.

You urgently need a paper trail of everything he has done and is doing in order to back you up when custody is decided by a court.

1. You can speak to Women's Aid and log the call and their advice. (Also keep a diary logging all incidents yourself).
2. Log with the police.
3. Arrange a meeting with the Head / Deputy Head at the school to log the issues and pastoral concerns. Your DC need TLC at school and school need to be aware and in the loop. Keep a record of this meeting / copies of emails etc.
4. Speak to citizens advice.
5. Speak to your solicitor. Get the ball rolling on divorce - where are you with that one?

I’m in California, @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 and I’ve read the entire thread.
Even across an ocean and a continent I can see how this man’s behavior has escalated. I agree with the other pp that you need to check in with everybody — women’s aid, the police, your solicitor. The “what ifs” are screaming out here - please don’t ignore them. You’ve been so brave. It’s brave to protect your children and yourself with a few well-placed phone calls. And it’s smart.
I’m sending love and the best of luck.

I have a meeting with the headteacher this afternoon and have spoken to my solicitor and logged all the instances he has turned up. He has suggested a non molestation order.

He has told me this morning he has booked a pyshcotherapist appointment for my DS. I'm so confused as to why and what he aims to get out of it. Is he going to prep him to say things about me.

He's trying to get ahead of the game and get professionals/others involved. He's doing this to get 'his version' out there as far and wide as possible so you are left in a position of trying to defend yourself and dispute his claims. He is an awful human for doing this to your children. He's fucking with their heads massively. They'll get to the point where they don't know what to believe or who is telling the truth or if they should even trust their own thoughts and feelings. How disgusting.

YOU need to get ahead of the game.

Log everything. Everything he says and does in detail. Every comment your children make. Every change in their personalities. Every impact. Get feedback from the school.

You need to report his behaviour to the police asap.

Where are you with divorce proceedings OP?