To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

Agree with previous poster about logging his behaviour which is designed to intimidate you.

Keep an eye on the kids. If the 50/50 isn't working out, then say so and change the arrangement. You can do so in a totally reasonable way, e.g., "50/50 isn't working. It is causing stress and upset to the children and they have expressed they would prefer to be with me during the school week (or whatever) and stay with you Fri-Sun (or whatever)." You get the general idea. Put forward an alternative plan.

He will have to take you to court if he wants to argue the toss.

But the intimidating / unreasonable behaviour has to be logged, and keep any evidence, e.g. emails / messages, so that you can prove his behaviour if you end up in court.

My Ex dragged me into court time and time again but was only doing it to cause trouble. Once I stopped engaging with him he decided he didn't want to see the kids any more at all.

This guy is sick in the head.

I feel so sorry for your poor poor children.

Their dad is playing absolute mind games with them! Sitting outside her school for what reason? Just so she can get a glance of Dad and she'll break down in tears screaming Daddy and that will make you feel horrendously guilty?? That's what he wants!!

He's deluded because the kids clearly don't want to be with him and would much rather be with you.

Makes me wonder how he responds to them when they are with him by crying for you and saying they want to see you and go home. Probably responds with no care or comfort because it will make him angry inside. He probably responds with 'this is your mothers fault, she's doing this blah blah, Daddy wants to come home blah blah'.

Absolutely sicko.

Definitely records all of this bullshit. It makes me sick. Abusive ass!

BTW none of this is your fault OP.

I know all of this will have you feeling guilty and questioning if you've done the right thing.

But you absolutely have.
This is all on HIM not you!

You're doing what's best for you and your children.

Keep going!

Jeeze I never seen that part .
He doesn’t know boundaries and doesn’t care. .

So sorry for the regular updates, I am kind of using this now as a record so I can remember everything. I have started a log.
School rang me at 2.30 saying DD had a tummy ache so I went to pick her up. She said she wanted to stay with me but that she was worried as it was daddy's day and he would be sad/cross.
I suggested a compromise that she could do tea (as she said she would want to see him for a bit) then I would come and pick her up to come back to me this evening.
She wouldn't get out the car at his house so I knocked and told him.
He was obviously angry said I am manipulative, I am using the kids etc...
He said he is going to ring the police on me and talk to his lawyers.

Anyone know what the situation is with me just saying no they can't come to you right now for 50/50. It isn't working we need to build up to it?
I think I am so weak in saying no when it comes to him after years of living with his shit.

Also if I go round to pick her up later and she says she has changed her mind should I bring her back anyway or leave her there?

Well done. You're out. First hurdle completed. It must feel amazing. Channel the strong woman that has achieved this first step to make sure you're children get the best outcome.

You're her voice. You will have to be strong and say "of course you don't have to go to daddy's! You're poorly" .

When I was in your situation(similar) I found it helpful to keep everything very child focused. It's not about what he's demanded or expects.

What is best for your daughter this evening? Is 50 50 best for your dc? No? Then let him know. "It's not working for them we're going to do EoW" (plan a contact schedule that works for you)

Keep flipping it back to focus the needs of the children. (Not him). Get some fire in your belly!
.

I'm sorry he's being such an arse Op, he's emotionally abusing you and your DC, all this talk to the DC about how sad he is, he's determined to get them on his side and can't see/doesn't care that it's hurting them. All he wants is to win, you've left him and now he wants to win by turning your children against you.
I'd get some legal advice and find out where you stand, if custody comes to court you dont want to have done anything now that will count against you in the future

I know it's hard, but try to ignore his threats. Again, they are intended to intimidate you. I very much doubt he would call the police because there is nothing to report. He is lashing out and throwing his weight around because he fears losing control now that you have walked away and moved out.

Remember the facts:

Your marriage has ended.
You are now living separately.
There is no contact order.
The children are living with you as their primary carer.
Your STBX is very angry about you divorcing him.

If you haven't already done so, let the school know about the change of circumstances. They will have seen it all before no doubt.

Contact with the children needs to focus entirely on the children and what is best for them. Keep banging this home with him. Whenever possible, do not answer his calls so that he is forced to communicate with you by text/email.

How are you doing @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 ? Hope you're settling into your new place and finding some breathing space amid the stress. Sending solidarity.

@Sicario thank you much for your message and for thinking of me. We have been at my Mums 2 weeks now.
I agreed to 50/50 custody but my daughter has refused to go a couple of times. He wants her to do counselling as apparently she is "too" attached to me and it needs to change because she needs to get used to 50/50.

I do feel myself building up my strength. I am trying to talk to my Mum about everything to try and process.
I am starting to notice that when the kids are here with me they are so much more relaxed.
I have had them Monday - Thursday this week because he wanted the weekend for a pre planned family event. He has turned up to so much this week, my school drop offs, school pick ups, football training! It's getting very frustrating. He also questioned why I had rejected a football match for my son and what were we doing! It's hard to switch off from his needs and wants but I'm trying so hard.

He also isn't happy with Xmas. The kids shouldn't have presents in 2 houses, it's stupid and so unfair on the kids. I think he wants me to spend my money on presents that will be given in the morning and stay at his house!

Anyway first time in forever that I am confident I will get through this and be certain I am better off without him!

Anyway first time in forever that I am confident I will get through this and be certain I am better off without him!
This is WONDERFUL to read. I think you'll feel that more and more with each passing day. Please keep logging all his shitty beahaviour - every time he turns up when it's not his access day, every time your daughter says she doesn't want to go to him, trying to make demands re Christmas etc. He sounds like he will try to play very dirty in court, so the more evidence you have of his attempts to control etc the better.

Kids are away for the weekend with him this weekend. DD has been a bit apprehensive about it and I have tried to reassure her. She was fine this morning driving to school, got to school and he was there. She got upset asking me if I would go with them this weekend, she was crying at the school gates. I got DS into school and took her for a drive for half an hour to calm her down then took her back to school. Rang him and said she was at school but she was upset and wants to come back to me Sunday evening. (He had previously agreed to this). He has now said he will be talking to then to check they want to come back because its his night and refuses to give his time up.

She is asking why Dad always comes when it's my time!

He turned up at DS football training yesterday too. Text me asking if DD wanted to spend an hour with him, she said she didn't and wanted to sit in the car with me while he trained. He turned up and came to sit in the back seat of my car!

He's still not accepting the split Op, he clearly feels entitled to turn up on your time but cuts you out when it's his turn. Sadly he's not thinking of the DC, only himself. Was he very involved with the DC when you were together or is this new and all for show?

He's still trying to control you and the children. He shouldn't be turning up when it's your time. Can you get a legal agreement written up if you haven't already? He's trying to worm his way back in by intimidating you.

Hopefully you'll be ready next time he tries something like that. Doors locked. Open the window. "No we're just popping out for something"

He's tone death and thick skinned. You'll have to be prepared to match his weird behaviours with a very strong comeback.

But, its great you're out. You've got this far. Everytime you say no to him it will get easier.

I agree with others that this is about control and intimidation. He's throwing his weight around and demonstrating to you that he can do whatever he wants (regardless of how inappropriate it is). He feels his power slipping away and doesn't like it.

You're handling this brilliantly. Being consistent, loving and patient with the kids. Hearing them and reassuring them. Children pick up on even the smallest signals, and they will see for themselves soon enough what he's like (if they haven't already).

I also agree with a previous poster that saying NO gets easier with practice.

Reading up on these behaviours, knowing how to name them, and how to deal with them, can be very helpful.

The Freedom Programme website has lots of useful resources, including sample chapters from the book. Chapters like "The Bully" and "The Dominator" can be eye opening. https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Your car is one of your safe spaces. He is no longer welcome in it, and that needs to be spelled out. Bloody cheek.

Stay strong OP you are amazing
The difference between you and Ex is that you want what’s best for your children.
Your Ex wants what’s best for HIM!

Think hard about 50/50 custody. Is it really in your children's interests to live with this level of anxiety and manipulation?

So as predicted he isn't bringing them back today, it's his night and unless I swap him he is having his time. I can't get hold of them on their phones and he isn't answering my messages or phone calls. She is going to be so upset if he does this to her. One of the reasons she agreed to go is that she could talk to me regularly and come back today.
I don't know whether to go round there to check she is OK or if that will make it worse.

No, don’t go round. Your daughter will be okay,
How old is she?
I know this is so hard now but in the long run it will be better as when she is old enough she will begin to refuse contact and the courts will not force her.
All you can do at the moment is be the wonderful, loving, stable force that you are being.

I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't taken their phones off them so they cannot contact you. My ex used to enforce a full-on blackout with no contact with me during his time with them, which they found very difficult and upsetting. It's a very unfair thing to do to children.

All you can do is stay strong and hold onto your boundaries.

When it comes to formalising the contact arrangements, their wishes will be taken into account. Obviously this is a little further down the line. In the meantime, keep notes, and preserve your strength.

She is 9 and DS is 8, they only have phones as a way to contact other parent when away from them. I have only spoken to them at 8ish this morning, she said see you later so I know she is going to be so sad.

Did you get in contact with them @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 ?

Yes he dropped DD off about an hour ago. He has told her this is a swap for next Sunday which I have said absolutely not too.
I'm so fucking fed up of his games!!

Good! Find your anger! I think you'll find it liberating.

OP you need to get tough.
You can do this
He is playing you all like a fiddle

This won’t end any time soon . Dig deep and tell the looser to do one .
He doesn’t get to dictate . He running wild . Do you what this for another 10 years .
Let him law a fuss now for some peace in the near future